I think it's normal to have those feelings BUT just because you're having a feeling doesn't mean it has to control you. I'm sure part of what made you fall in love with your husband is that he's a loving, responsible man. Be glad he's not a jerk who abandoned his kids - there are plenty of those around! When he shares happy stories about his past, focus on how much he must trust you that he's willing to share those memories with you. The more you love his children, the more he'll love you! No one wants to be married to an insecure, overly emotional person. He will start to resent you if it continues. Try to make the most of the limited amount of time his daughters are with you. I know it's not easy but worth it in the end! You'll feel better about yourself too!

Jealousy is normal. I get the same way; we have three children and 1 SD13 who lives with us. And when he talks to her it almost seems like he is bending over backwards.....Honey, sweetie, what do you want? He doesn't even talk to me like that?? It is normal but you have to see the difference in treatment. You get the other side of him; as long as he treats you good and doesn't push you to the side.

Oh I completely understand how you feel. I wondered the same thing for awhile too, all I could think was that this relationship I have is a romantic one and the one he shares with his kids is totally different, why am I so jealous of that?! Whether it's normal or not doesn't even matter, it's still how you feel and you shouldn't have to bargain with that. I think it's great that you have a relationship with BM or at least you are cordial to each other. It certainly makes things for your husband and also your stepchildren so you are lucky in that regard. However, I wouldn't be surprised if seeing him with his kids gives you a visual of a once happy family that he was a part of and you were not. I often think of that and it makes me crazy. I have heard my bf on the phone with his kids and it's always like ok hun, I love you too and I want to throw up. My situation is a little different and they are adult SK's but even still, I get the same rage and I know how hard that is. I don't want you to feel like it's not ok for you to feel that way because it is. It is normal and in time you will learn where that anger/rage belongs and at some point it won't affect you as much as it does right now. Just give it some time, it might not go away but it will fade a little bit and they will get older so the relationship will inevitably change as they mature as well. It's great that he is close to his kids and I think other people on here will tell you that it could be worse and it's true but by no means does that state that you are not entitled to your feelings.

Yep, unfortunately it can be quite normal to feel this way. I too have to deal with the jealousy demons, and my SD's are great kids also.

You only see his kids every second Saturday, so most of the time you get him to yourself, and get all his attention. It probably feels weird to see him giving his full attention to someone else other than yourself. And yes, that will provoke feelings of jealousy.

Also, he has girls. My FDH also has daughters, and even though you know it's not right, you still feel like they are "the other women", which again, will provoke feelings of jealousy.

Will it go away? It will probably diminish, but may never go away. As they move into their teens, they will naturally start pulling away on their own. That is probably when you will get some relief from the jealousy you are feeling right now.

Good luck to you and your family!

"You still feel like they are the other women.." Well put secondplace, that is spot on! That is EXACTLY how I feel! I don't like my bf to go to certain places with his adult dauthers that he has taken me. It makes me feel like we have nothing special together because they always get to do the same things with him. Luckily in my situation, he is very understanding of that and is also very careful not to mix the 2 worlds whenever he can avoid that so there is a place for only us.

To be honest with you the jealousy of the skids really creeps me out...at least in my case. They are adults in their 20's and obviously should be concerned with boyfriends and college etc but are all up in their dad's business. They get mad at him when he takes me places or to new restaurants. Come on ladies - GROW UP! They are desperate to hang onto the relationship they had with him when they were kids but I think it's strange that it's unnatural for them to break away from this. Do you think that's because their parents aren't together and they think they will lose him?

I am, unfortunately, feeling exactly the same.

I have not yet moved in with my partner and he is asking for us to take this next step, but with my feelings being like this it's making me so scared of what the future will hold.

I just wish someone could tell me that everything will be ok and that these feelings will go away.

I have heard that parents love their children more than they do their spouse, and to be honest after hearing that, I feel 100x worse.

What you feel is normal. I feel the same way. Although it has gotten better over the 5 years I have been with FH, I still feel that jealousy creep through me when he is affectionate with FSD7. Even if I tell myself not to feel that way, that it is silly or mean hearted, I still cant control the feelings..you are not alone in that! Just talk yourself through it as best you can and casually leave the room. I must admit I do worry that my FH will be overly affectionate even when FSD is grown and that will be another story. It freaks me out to say the least when I see grown daughters hanging on their Fathers.

How long have you been together? I remember in the early days with my DH and SD, I finally told him "I want you to talk to me, the way you talk to SD."

You know, how are you, are you ok, I love you, you are pretty and smart, all that I want you to say to me too!! and somehow that clicked with him (dur!)!!

You just have to train your man to give you what you need from him. He wants to, he just may not know what it is you want.

When he treats you special too, your 'jealousy' may recede and let you give them their time with him with less resentment. Until they are teens anyway! HUGS

Thank you so much for sharing this - it makes me feel less crazy!
I have similar feelings - I am so very jealous of my 5-year-old SD. I am jealous of their relationship, and how my husband just melts into a puddle every time he looks at her.
Except, in my case, I am not jealous on my own behalf - my husband is very affectionate and caring and loving with me, as well. I am jealous on my kids behalf :(. While he is a wonderful stepfather to them, it is not even close to what a great father he is to his only child, the apple of his eye... He is good with my kids, does things with them, plays with them, talks with them, does homework with them, etc. But he doesn't have the need to come up to them and give them a big hug and a kiss, for example (though he'll reciprocate to a degree when they do it to him). My kids' bio father is a piece of shit, not involved, so I am super jealous - why does his kid gets to have a dad who wants to cuddle with her, adores her, etc, and my little girl (9) is not a daddy's little girl. How it that fair? His kid is NOT any better than my kids, it's not fair!!! I just can't stand it!

I have similiar feelings towards my step children. I hsve no children myself and my partner has two children a boy and a girl and i always get jealous because i know i cant give him anything different.

and mx4, i can understand how u feel but how you have to look at it is that if that he did have children with you he would be an excellent father

I think the jealousy you are feeling is completely normal. I have been with DH for 3 years and still feel it. He had SD5 who I feel like I have to compete with for his attention. Whenever she is around, it’s all about her and I feel like I am placed on the backburner. Any normal person is going to feel resentful in a situation like that. I agree with the poster who said if these men would treat their WIVES like wives and their KIDS like kids, we wouldn’t have these issues. A wife should not be treated the same as a child and vice versa.

This is an old thread, but I wanted to add my own comment since it differs somewhat. I'm both a biological and step dad, and my step children are in their 20s. But like you ladies, I also have feelings of intense jealousy to the point it is causing problems in our approaching-3-year-marriage (with 3 dating years prior). I don't know if my wife knows how much affection she shows her kids, but it's far greater than anything she shows me, and it makes it difficult for me to be around them all together. If it's just me with the kids, I'm fine. I despise feeling this way, as I've reacted poorly at times to the tune of a raving lunatic or spoiled child, which does nothing to improve my relationship with her. We try to talk about it, but any mention of her kids in a perceived negative way is met with extreme anger and the directive to just go put a for sale sign on the front lawn, and I doubt she could hold back the affection she shows them anyway. So, I don't know if we'll be looking for realtors soon, but just wanted to add my 2-cents to the group from a male standpoint. Glad there are others who feel this way, but not glad any of us do.

This is an old thread, but I just now joined this forum.

I can completely relate to this situation. I've been with my partner for almost 2 years and we've decided not to get our families involved in our relationship at this point. I have 3 children, he only has a daughter. We both have our routines in our respective towns and have no intentions of moving in together until the kids are out of the house. Unconventional as it sounds, it's working for us. I'm not even officially divorced yet. Even though my kids' father has settled in with a new partner, I cannot bring myself at this point to open up to my kids.

This, however, doesn't prevent me from having feelings of jealously towards his 10 year old daughter. She is very cultivated and they have a very close and special relationship. He takes her to art museums, classical music concerts and pretty much all the stuff he and I do together. And, then there's the issue that he is able to do things with his daughter that I can't do with my three kids (my youngest is 6, my oldest is 10), not only because there are three of them and they have different interests, but also because I rarely get any one-on-one time with them. And with 3, it seems like there is so much daily work, I feel like it's all I can do to keep up with the household whereas he actually has time to teach her and spend that quality time with her.

I don't know if this is "normal" or not, but the other night his daughter asked him to go to a classical music concert (there is no way my kids would ever do that!), and afterwards he said he wanted to take me and share that with me and my first thought to him was "No, I don't feel like it." I was surprised myself at my reaction because I love classical music and love going to concerts with him, but then I realised that I don't want to be the second "woman' he discovers that with! I'd rather do something together that we both discover for the first time.

And what really gets to me is the "we". "We just went shopping, we just paid 20 dollars at a restaurant, we didn't want to go on a bike ride because it was raining." That annoys me. We decided not to get our kids involved, so stop getting the daughter involved by putting her in the "we"! Obviously, there are certain instances where the "we" has to be used, but not all the time like it's a mini-couple!

The way I feel about it is, daughters, and especially only daughters, have a special attachment to their dads. It is inevitable that there is some competition there. In a way, they are the "other women" that have a large part of their dad's heart. We just have to suck it up and go with it and like other people have said, it will anger us even if the SDs are the nicest and most adorable kids in the world. As for myself, sometimes I do let my jealousy come out and start getting feisty and correct him by saying "YOU paid 20 dollars at a restaurant", but then I think, that jealousy is my own and his daughter whom I've never met doesn't deserve these feelings and neither does he, so I need to find another channel for it.

This one is a little different because I am the husband and having the same feelings. Here's the story, when I meet my wife she told me she had a child but the father is basically a dead beat. And at that time I didn't have any children but I like them, so I thought it was a good opportunity to play daddy. I know that I am a jealous and possessive person so I would never put myself with a woman who had children and the father is present. Ok so as months go by she finally confesses that the child's father is in her life and she actually just just breaking up with him. So I was angry and told her that I loved her but when you finish with you drama with your child's father then we will talk again. She manipulated the situation to the point I had to pick her up and take her away from this guy cause he was beating her. Since then we have been together and the father took the daughter moved away and never let my wife see her child. Eventually we got married and 8 years latter we have three children. Now all off a sudden 8 years later we have to take care of her for circumstances out of our control. I have been so used to just seeing my family and having the feeling like we are her only family and then this gets thrown in my face to remind me. Am I wrong for feeling like I don't want to see her genes mixed up with another man and that constant reminder in my face when I see his face and her face mixed together? Like I said I new what type of person I am and this is not for me. But I have 3 children and I'm married to her and I don't plan on going anywhere. My question is how do I adjust? Am I wrong for having no desire to adjust? How do I disaplin her knowing she still sees and loves her daddy? Am I the only bad person for having these shelfish feelings or should my wife be helping me to be confrontable ?

My spouse had his step son come live with us two years ago (yes he has a teenage step son from a previous relationship with a women that was before me). I felt really uncomfortable at times. My spouse and his step son did lots together it felt like. I felt left out sometimes. They were both boys, my spouse would "show him the ropes" and they liked the same kind of movies. The step son would hangout up stairs in the living room, and often I found myself in my room watching netflix alone. He is a good kid for the most part. My spouse is fond of him and treats him as his own son. I felt jealous a few times, it is normal. I think step parents feel this way one time or another in their life.

Same situation here! I have one daughter from previous relationship, he has four children from previous marriage. We started talking and I got scared away at the thought of four stepchildren, five children altogether. He kept begging for me to be with him, so after a month of just chit chatting (and seeing him at work daily) I gave in. His children live with their mother. When we became official everything was fine - getting kids every other weekend and going out for daily trips. Then we got married.

Suddenly I felt myself becoming jealous of his.. son! There is some jealousy in general with all four of his. However, it's more geared towards his son whom is four. My husband babies him and has him all snuggled up while we're trying to sit there together. I'm aware it's extremely childish and selfish - but something about it just rubs me the wrong way!
Side note, my husband and I work long hours and don't get to relax and have time together at night - it's literally: food, I do homework with my five year old and get her ready for bed, then go to bed myself. We don't sit and unwind in front of the tv.. So our weekends are the only time we have together. So even when it's the weekend for the kids, I still want that time to sit on the loveseat just as the two of us and get that affection from him.

His son doesn't love all over him until my husband and I are sitting down together and trying to talk about something, he suddenly, "Daddy! Daddy! I have something to tell you.." You then realize it's nothing but him trying to get attention because his dad was giving attention to me, his wheel is spinning trying to rack his brain for something to say. So it gets under my skin a tad bit!
His older three are girls, ages 12-10-8.. His 12yr old has already said she wants to live with us when she turns 14! I'm dreading that, day by day as she creeps up to 14. Because that's even less time I have with him & she gets everything she wants. Husband doesn't see it, but I do. Like - She wants an Iphone because all her friends do.. we don't have the money, however, he's going through the house to find things he/we don't need to sell for as much cash as possible to go get her a phone, granted her grades and attendance last year were awful but she thinks that within her 1st WEEK of school and has passed her tests, she's eligible for this phone.

He threatens to leave because he thinks I don't like his kids, which is incorrect. I know I don't love them - I hope one day I will, but at the current moment I do not. I'm jealous and have admitted this to him, I've explained that I don't know exactly WHY I AM jealous. I suspect some of it being because they're not mine and they're from his 1st marriage and constant reminder he was with their mother for 12yrs and loved her. He'll see someone in the small town we live in whom knew they were married and asked, they'll ask what happened and his immediate response is, "because she cheated on me but I've got this one now". It makes me feel like had she not, they'd still be together. Like i'm second best, i'm good enough, but not her, the mother of his four children.

Hi! Yup I have the same problem. Can I ask you something though? Did you have good relationships with your own dad? Was your dad attentive and loving? I fear this set up might trigger our child hood pain. At least I have been beating myself up over this. My dad died before I was born. Thoughts?

It is so relieving to see that I am not the only one! My fiance and I have been together about a hear and a half and just baught a house together. He has twin boy and girl 6 years old and a three year old daughter. I have a 12 year old daughter. My daughters father passed away. We have his kids 50/50 with his x. I have so much jealousy over how he is affection wise with his kids. Anytime they are within arms length he has to be loving on them, and talks so nice to them constantly. We have had multiple conversations about this where he would say he would try to be better and that he understood, but then nothing changes and he just gets mad and says horrible, horribe things to me. He constantly says negative things about anything my 12 year old does, if she forgets and leaves a light on, food not put away, etc. I have been working on this with her. He can be great sometimes and used to make me feel like the most important thing. Now its just basically I'm doing what I want I don't care what you think these are my kids and wont be here forever. Am I wrong for asking for our relationship to be first and for him to be respectful and understanding of my feelings? We are constantly fighting and he doesn't understand the jealous feelings he makes me feel when he is nothing but loving and caring to his kids, and hateful and spiteful to me because I don't agree with it and have a hard time having my feelings disregraded. Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks