Step Talk

and I got sick of trying to get Fiancee to listen to me and stop giving away my time to BM so I finally called her myself and told her that I would not be available at said time and therefore do not expect it.

It finally dawned on Fiancee that he couldn't do this anymore after a couple of times when he and BM had decided that I would pick up SS from daycare without discussing it with me. Instead of picking up SS I called both Fiancee and BM and told them I was unavailable and they would need to deal with it. Fiancee wasn't happy about having to leave work to pick up SS and BM was pissed about having to stay home to watch SS but what do I care I was out with the girls

Only had to do this a handful of times before they got smart about it and started asking me instead of talking between themselves about my schedule.

How rude and inconsiderate of your husband to assume you do not make plans when the children are to be with there mother. I "forgot" wow that is the excuse my 10 and 8 years olds use.. He did not forget he just does not seem to mind meeting his ex's demands of YOUR time. I think the next time he does this you should tell him that he needs to find someone to watch the the kids since you have already made plans. Or he can take the day off of work. Maybe then he will see what an inconvenience it really is when you "assume" things..
Where is his priorities to you his wife?
I would just what you want to do and if it interrupts her or him then to bad...
Sorry..
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

To me, this is very rude and in considerate. It also says a lot about your DH. For one thing, he probably just caters to BM because he rather ruffle YOUR feathers, have you jump through the hoops than make BM, and have her all up in HIS a$$ making your lives miserable because it is an inconvenience for HER.

If talking to him isn't working, then write it all down. I had a similar issue with DH early on, it wasn't that he expected me to, it was more that he started to forget things, and naturally, I came to his rescue and it was much easier for me to take the time off of work than for him to scramble around and argue with BM about it. It got to the point that now we use a calendar religiously. But because I dropped everything, it became a habit for him, and he just started to expect me to bail him out.

The second thing was that we needed a solid schedule. He does not have the luxury to 'get off early' for his job, no such thing as 'running out on his lunch hour'- he doesn't get one. He's in a locked down environment from the moment that he steps into work until the time he leaves. The only time he can leave is if there is a true emergency, such as someone calling from the hospital. When BM started to pull some schedule changes, we nipped it in the bud immediately because it interfered with OUR schedule... didn't matter who it was, it was ME that would be effected not DH, but DH made the point to say... no, our scheduled time to pick up SS is at such-n-such time, other than that, you need to deal with it, etc, it's during your time. Plus, my job was also such that I couldn't just drop everything on a whim and change my lineup either, didn't work for me well. It is much easier if both parties just adhere to a specific schedule and find their own alternatives outside of the parents on their time to get the kids where they need to be.

I suggest that at a calm moment, try to talk to your DH again and point out that you are not at his beck and call and this is what it feels like, if that's the case, than start to charge him for childcare... lol. I also suggest that if you have plans, you write them out on a calendar that is in a viewable area, ours is in the kitchen by the phone, and have him 'check the calendar' and 'get back to BM'. My DH learned very quickly that I was NOT going to accept he just make plans that involved me- without me. When he didn't inform me of changes, I simply went about my day as if nothing changed, period. You know, I also started to change some of our own plans without informing him one time, and THAT did it. When HIS fishing trip for Sat. got interrupted because I went out of town the day before, he got the point pretty quick... did you ASK me if I was busy? Nope.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

NCP should have rights too! If your BF wants to use the " I forgot" or the " I never dreamed" excuses, then treat BF the way he acts!! Write up a list showing the days that bm is ordered visitations with the children and then show what your plans are weekly for yourself on the UNSCHEDULED visitation days...Tell bf that if HE wants to accept a change in visitations to ACCOMODATE BM, then he better find a way to ACCOMODATE YOU as well as you WILL NOT be available on the outlined days. Other wise bf needs to stick to visitation schedule and if bm can not take those days then bm FORFIETS until next visitation, no if's and's or but's as you have plans for all unscheduled days.If this is done enough bm will have no choice but to take scheduled visitation. Or, let bm have another time for visitation but only and I mean only if you are consulted first! If it suits you or you and bf...like a night you have planned to go out with each other or the girls, or just staying home for a quite evening and a soak in bath, ect. then after bf consults with you, your bf can advice bm which day You are able to switch visitation to....You can make bm follow the orders but you must make a stand with bf and stick by it!!!...If he continues allowing these changes WITHOUT consulting you first, find a babysitter( as it is understandable that you do not want to leave them home alone) and give bf her/his phone number...weather you chose to be home on these unscheduled visitation changes or not, make bf get sitter and pay for sitter!!!!! Just my personal opinion.

but I quickly realized the power of 'No -- can't do it.' Once they hear that a few times -- and suffer the consequences -- they will be sure to ask in advance. I got a lot less resentful after I learned how to say 'no' and defend my personal time.

How completely rude and inconsiderate!! You have every right to be pissed! I LOVE S.Grahm39's idea.... I also believe that guys in general... IN GENERAL.... need a little bit of guidance with scheduling.... I think a calendar would be a great solution.... I have done the same thing in our home although not for the same reason. I bought a huge monthly desk calendar which sits on the computer desk (where DH plays his stupid video games) therefore it is RIGHT in front of his face! Now if he wants to plan something or change something he looks at the calendar first!

You know, for reasons that are too exhausting and depressing to go into, the calendar option won't work. She always calls him at work on his cell phone, so he doesn't have a calendar handy, and wouldn't think to use it if he did. He doesn't have a watch, either. Never has. It is also an ego thing for him, I've come to understand. Having the ex come to him for a favor which he graciously gives. I will simply say no from now on. When I find out third-hand about a change, I'll do what someone advised and call the both of them and quickly "unchange" it, even if I have absolutely nothing to do but paint my toenails. It has become a very large problem for me, and I really have to do something to preserve what little dignity I have left, even if it makes me the evil stepmother/new wife. Tough!!