Step Talk

I know exactly what you mean. My stepson is exposed to things that we don't approve of either. Like his mom living with one man but taking stepson along with her on outings with another man. Stepson doesn't know if it is a secret or not, from the men involved but he tells us about it so it must bother him.

We don't agree with the way biomom lives and what she exposes stepson to because then he gets the idea that this kind of behavior is normal and not a problem.

There isn't much that can be done. You can't change biomom. Your fiance could tell biomom of his concerns but then she may take it out on her daughter for telling you guys about things.

It is hard to live with.

Dawn

I couldn't agree more. The only thing we can do is set a good example for the kids and show them what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. Biomom also told my stepdaughter that everyone gets divorced and I really hope she doesn't grow up believeing that.

My 21yr adult stepson had moved back in with us. It's been almost two months. He broke up with his fiancee and they had a baby together about a year and a half ago. Their break-up has turned into the worse possible nightmare for everyone else. A lot of collateral damage. Our home was relatively peaceful when he moved out the first time. Prior to him moving out the first time, it was a battle then. Him pitting my wife and I against each other, etc... Not obeying our rules, doing whatever he wanted when he wanted. I was so happy when he moved out then, I had hoped it would knock some reality into him and my wife and I could live in peace. He's in our house. He works fulltime, doesn't have his own car. (He was using his fiancee's car while they played house). My garage is packed with his baggage/stuff, it's totally unusuable at this point. My house never stays clean and he hasn't paid anything toward rent. He has a problem with just putting in gas in our cars he uses to get to work. We're also being used as free childcare providers for their baby. The baby virtually lives with us. He doesn't buy food for her, we supply most of it. This poor innocent child is being tossed around like a piece of garbage no one knows what to do with. It all has come to a head recently and I basically blew up in anger and frustration. My wife thinks I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. My SS has basically had a lot of stuff just handed to him w/o having to earn it. He also quit high school. My once peaceful home has been turned into his free hotel. He even had the audacity to have his cousin (in the same situation) crash at our house for a couple nights!!! I told my wife I'm sick of this and don't apreciate being dumped on. Last night there was another big blow up and my SS accused me of calling him all kinds of nasty names, etc.. He's even got my sister-in-law threatening me now. I know my position in this situation is right, but I don't have the backing of my wife. So you know where this will lead. Stepdad/Husband being the ultimate loser who will pay the ultimate price if I don't use some sort of diplomacy. Help!!

I would say that the first thing you need to do is tell everyone else who is so concerned to mind their own business! I would tell my SIL “if you are so concerned and want to get involved in this situation then you can come and pick up SS, his daughter and all the crap they’ve been storing in my garage and they can all move in with you!” I’m serious…you DO NOT have to discuss your household business with your SIL and she is completely out of order for even approaching you in such a way! You need to get FIRM and tell her and your SS…THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO MAKE DECISIONS IN THIS HOUSE ARE BILL PAYERS, UNTIL BILLS START TO COME HERE IN YOUR NAME, YOU HAVE NO SAY AND I’M NOT GOING TO DISCUSS THE RUNNING OF MY HOUSEHOLD WITH YOU! Is your wife the one who is in school and has not worked for the last 4 years? If so…you have to put your foot down with her as well b/c YOU are the one who has the final say as it relates to financial decisions b/c 1. You are the sole bread winner and 2. you are the man of the house!

Make a GREAT Day!

Dear Infuriated:

While I totally agree with your opinions and certainly understand your frustration, I would NOT say that your ss is the problem here. It is your wife, I'm afraid. Do not be angry with him, he is being enabled by her, which allows him to behave the way he does. I mean lets face it; this situation is unacceptable in any household. For her not to stand up for herself (and you), she is harming her son in ways that will haunt her eventually. While I think she knows his actions are disgusting, her denial is much stronger. And by you continuously pointing out his lifestyle, behavior, freeloading, and certainly his lack of any responsibility, you are giving her more reason to deny it.

Being a biomom only, I am going to let you in on a little secret. I can know and express to you how irresponsible, lazy and disrespectful my son is. But don't you dare bring it up first. Not that my son is those things, however, there are things that bother me about my son. While I dwell on it and try and figure out a reasonable way to handle the situation, if my boyfriend (live-in) states his disgust with my son's actions, I immediately get the claws out. I call it maternal instinct. Our defense of our "babies" will not tolerate us to allow anyone to be frustrated or angry with our kids.

My bf has finally learned that by keeping his mouth shut and turning the tables on me, my actions towards my son come a lot sooner. After all, it was bothering me before he brought it up. Now how can I take serious actions if he just expressed his resentments towards my son and I stupidly defended him. Knowing full well that bf is right does not matter. My need to defend my child is stronger.

So now, instead of bf bitching and carrying on about things, he sits back and waits for my cork to pop (so to speak). And then he sits back and watches me do exactly what he wants me to do, only he had to have the patience to keep his mouth shut.

In closing, do not confront your stepson or engage in any type of screaming match or name calling. It will only take her longer to take actions she is already thinking about. And trust me when I tell you that she KNOWS what he is. But you see, in admitting that too quickly would be admitting failure. Because we deal with so much guilt, raising children in broken homes, we take longer with our confrontations. Perhaps hoping things will get better on their own, yet knowing they won't.... And every time our child displays lack of maturity, makes bad decisions, acts like a$$holes, etc. we always take it personally. We can be reassured over and over that its not our fault that "johnny" is like he is, we still take the blame.

So as I stated before, she knows..... So now, just try and sit back and wait it out. Maybe apologize for your actions. That may open her up to express all I have stated above. She needs you. But she also needs you to be quiet so she can work this through in her own mind. Take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth! And by all means, come here, to this site. And let it all hang out. Vent! Vent! Vent!

If you take my advice, I really believe she will eventually be coming to you with her frustrations. Still keep your mouth shut. You can agree, but do not get riled. Just tell her that you love her and are there for her. She'll come around, I can almost guarantee it!

Whew!

Hugs,
Janice