I posted this on someone else's blog-I'm not sure that was entirely appropiate-because really these are my own thoughts, so perhaps it belonged on my own first blog entry...so here it's copied and edited a bit to make it more generalized questions.
"I wonder what compelled anyone here to marry their SO that had kids.?
And how can we prevent more women from making the same mistake others did? I say this because it's obvious that everyone suffers. It's not fair to you, or the dad or the bm or the skids.
I'm a huge proponent of strongly advising people with no kids to date others with no kids...and single parents to find other single parents. I suggest this because of the issues it creates for all involved.
I guess I wonder what age were the smoms here was when they married someone with kids? Just like I made a mistake marrying my exh, my bf made a mistake marrying his exwife...we know the reasons why we did, we know they were mistakes-we also know that older and wiser now we would not make those same mistakes. It's a learning process, life is. I guess that's why I always recommend non parents to not get involved with parents...because it's bad enough that your marriage may not work..it's MUCH worse then that. Basically you now have their kids who have been hurt from the divorce, now be hurt AGAIN from a bad marriage or another broken home or constant tension, resentment, jealousy, and strife.
And our choices directly contribute to that. Obviously there is no crystal ball to know whether a marriage will work or not or what the future holds-but we CAN improve our chances of success by eliminating "incompatibility" from the getgo.
Single, no kids? I don't care HOW much you love the man, you should walk away, period. Dads, you think this new woman is wonderful and will be great to the kids? Think it through....she's perhaps younger, prettier, less stressed out then the exwife, seems more easygoing, everything peachy....well...what if you decide to change things on her and bring your kids fulltime to the picture? Does anyone making these choices think of the children involved?? Is it discussed? My bf and I have discussed this at length many times-we both know for a fact we could not date a childless person. It's so disheartening to see marriages crumble, period. More disheartening when it involves kids or a second marriage IMO...I guess that's why the statistics show second marriages/third having even higher chance of divorce.
ANd I must say-the ADULTS, man and woman that made the decision have to take responsibility in those choices, we can blame skids, smoms, inlaws all you want-but we should already know these things...why walk down the aisle at all if you're not fully happy and secure and whole as person before saying I do, especially to someone with kids.
I realize this is a vent place-I realize this post might anger some and think I'm being preachy...but really at what point to we learn to take responsibility for OUR own choices, behaviors, decisions, outlook, reactions....it's a generation of pass the blame game....and we turn around and blame and get angry at children rather then ourselves, why? They are an easy target that's for sure. It hurts less to blame them or outside forces then take a hard look at ourselves and what we did wrong.
It took me a long time to accept this about myself with my marriage, and when I did I then had to learn to forgive myself after accepting that I and I ALONE carried responsibility for my choices...hard pill to swallow.