Do you guys ever write a letter to BM, then not send it? BM often emails me about things that really should be going through BF. Sometimes I will write out a response to her and say everything I want to say, then just delete it or save it in my drafts folder to read over later. I never send these emails because BF and I have agreed that I'm not going to speak to her anymore for the sake of our relationship (and our sanity!). Well, last night I was writing one of these emails with no intention of sending it, and BF walked up to the computer to hug on me. He saw it. He was incredibly offended and upset. He feels like he can't trust me and that I have no respect for promises. He says he will not have a relationship with her vicariously through me. He says that this is what will cause us to break up and the main reason we're not married.
Now everything has changed. He's still acting like my boyfriend, but not like he wants to marry me anytime soon anymore. Just yesterday morning we were talking about how we wanted to be married soon and start trying to have kids by the end of the year. Now he just shakes his head when I bring it up.
I feel so weird about this. I feel...violated. Or set up. I don't know. I tried to explain to him that this is something I do a lot to get my feelings out, and I just don't send them. Of course, he doesn't believe that. He's a writer, so I asked him if he never writes something just to get his feelings out and doesn't show it to anyone. I know the answer is yes, but he of course said no. I asked him how he expects me to deal with these things if I can't write them out, I can't talk to him about them, I can't talk to anyone else...I basically have to silently cope? I can't do that. He's the type of person that can boil over something within himself and not share it with anyone. I'm not. I have to get my feelings out, and the best way for me to do that is talk or write it down. Even though I don't send the letters or emails, it makes me feel better for having written them and getting those feelings off my chest. I even save some of them so I can go back and read them later. I tried to tell him all of this but he just doesn't believe me. He says it doesn't matter whether I intended to send the email or not. How does that not matter?
What do I do? I'd like to think that this will boil over but it took a lot of hardship for us to get to this agreement, and a lot of times I did communicate with BM against his approval. Now that we've made the agreement not to, I don't...but he doesn't believe that now. He feels like I have no respect for the promises I make and asks how he can trust anything I say or do. I just want to curl up and cry. I don't think it'll just "boil over". I don't want him to not want to marry me or have kids with me, even if it is temporary. I don't want to lose all those hopes I had for our future, even if it is temporary. I don't want to not be trusted by him. Ugh.
Maybe he's just stressed out and
upset about this whole biomom thing. The woman's a fruit loop, right? My gut feeling is he's trying to find something to be upset about so he doesn't have to be upset at the real issue, which is him struggling with all this mess from the biomom.
Maybe??
I don't know, Nymh, to ME personally that seems like a really weak thing for him to be upset about. I can't tell you how many times I've written angsty, bitchy, furious emails to my DH, at work, only never to send them.
For me, as well, I am fantastic at writing letters and never sending them. I've written blogs on HERE and deleted them, for crying out loud. Sometimes writing something down and deleting it has almost a "magical" effect; the feelings get out of your system and go away.
Now I'm trying to understand your bf's feelings as well; and I got everything (which I'm sorry, STILL sounds like a weak argument to me)
the statement about "it doesn't matter whether you sent them or not,"
well, the only thing *I* can think of is maybe he's upset you're giving too much effort/energy to biomom by letting her get to you so badly???
I don't think that's the case, but if you're anything like me, you like to worry on stuff, analyze it, chew it up and roll it around until you're satisfied that you're done with it, and you email/write/blab in order to put these thoughts in order, yes?
I think personally there's a bigger issue here, did you ask him WHY it doesn't matter whether you send the emails or not?
Give him a little space maybe, and then when you're both calm talk about it some more?? I don't know. I am like a three year old when it comes to communication. But I feel for you, Nymh. Here's a HUG!!
*Hugs Nymh*
Fearless
I completely back Fearless
I admit Nymh, that first sentence made me laugh. Look what happened to me because I DID send it.
Hon, that crazy lady has put you through endless shit. I remember that day you and I were in the chatbox together and she called you like ten times durning our chat. That's insane.
I agree with Fearless. He is taking his frustration out on you. It happen to BF and I every time the shit gets to hot to handle. The other night BF was being a complete dick to me. Hello, I just got violated. Later on he admitted, it's because he's really mad at her but it's easier to blow at me.
You said it correct, it was venting. You never send them. Let it ride. Venting is normal. Would he rather you pour out your feelings to him? Would he be able to handle the stress you feel, plus his own?
Is he willing to comfort you & stop you from ripping your hair out because of her?
You did NOTHING wrong.
We are here for you. More hugs, Jo
"I'll be alright in a year or two after I calm down". Detective Donahue - Soap
Oh Sweetie
I have to agree w/ Fearless on her statement "there's a bigger issue here". Have you pulled up your drafts folder and SHOWED him you're not sending them? I don't understand how he cannot believe you if you have the proof right there but people do that sometimes. You could always tell him that since he doesn't approve of you simply writing it down, then you're left w/ no other choice but to talk to him about it, even if he won't listen. You could always write him a lteer and DON'T erase it. Give it to him. In it tell him exactly how you feel and be honest. I have found that it helps and they read it BEFORE they say anything, which allows you get out all you need to say.
*Offering shoulder to cry on*
IF IT WAS EASY, EVERYONE WOULD DO IT.
Nymh, you KNOW you didn't mess up!
I do the EXACT same thing you do... sit down and write my email straight from the heart, not pulling any punches, letting it all out. And then I save it in drafts for a few days until I calm down, at which time I delete it. I did it a lot more when we were going through a lot of crap with my skids' mom. For me it was the perfect solution. I got the satisfaction of teling her off by writing the email, but didn't have to deal with the repercussions that would have resulted had she read it. It's a good outlet for all that crap and it's better to let it out in an unsent email than it is to carry it around with you. I think this unsent email issue is a red herring. There's got to be more to it...
~ Anne ~
We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.
I think I'm losing him.
Things are so weird right now. One minute he's telling me he loves me, then the next he's asking me if we could still be friends if we broke up. I'm really getting to the point that part of me thinks breaking up is not looking like a bad option. I get so weary of going back and forth due to his negative feelings about his ex. I just reminded him that he needed to give SS lunch money and he went off on me! What the hell? He says he's "sick of me driving him because of that fucking bitch". I don't understand how reminding him that SS needs lunch money is something to go off about!
He's been really weird these past few days anyway. Everything I say somehow is wrong. Everything I do gets a snappy comment or a disappointed sigh. We had some issues that we had to get around in order to conduct business at our store this weekend, and every suggestion I made was shot down as stupid. On Friday he went off on me four times. FOUR times! And he's been giving me these sarcastic asshole answers to every question I ask him. You know like, when you ask someone "How are we going to get there?" and they answer "In a car..." that kind of thing. It's really pissing me off.
I don't know what's going on but obviously he's got a lot more on his mind than he's telling me, and he's blaming me for everything. About an hour ago he said that it looks like we're headed toward breaking up. I have always told him that I'm here to stay and not going anywhere, and that if we break up it won't be me who did it. I told him that again today. I don't want it to happen, and if it does, it won't be because I did it.
Part of me is making my peace already and calmly preparing for the breakup. That part is thinking about how nice things would be if I didn't have to deal with all these BM issues anymore, or if I didn't have to come home from my 45+ hour a week job to help him run our business every night. It's thinking about how much time I'd have to do the things I want to do that I don't get to do because i'm always so busy with our stuff. The other part of me is on the verge of tears thinking about losing him. That's the part that's upset at the thought of letting go of the most profound love i've ever felt. The part that doesn't think it could sleep at night without him there. The part that's thinking about all the hardships I went through knowingly and willingly because I loved him, and at the same time how lucky I am to have him in my life. The part that could have backed out anytime...bowed down gracefully and let BM chase her away...but didn't because she couldn't stand the thought of losing the one person she's ever truly loved because of a psycho bitch.
I feel like he's forcing BM to be an issue between us. She wouldn't be if he would just ignore her and not let everything I say regarding SS be a reminder to him that she exists. I can't help it that he has these issues with her but I can't live my life walking on eggshells because I'm afraid that anything I say or do might be misconstrued as an action that was guided by BM.
I don't even know where I'm at right now. I want to talk to him but at the same time I don't. I want to work this out, and then again I don't. I'm so tired of having to make up for things that I never did wrong. I'm so fed up with having to pay for him being upset with someone else. I'm sick of his love being conditional. We can stay together as long as I don't do one of a laundry-list of things - things which I never do, but always get blamed on me...which basically means as long as BM doesn't piss him off too much.
Ugh.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
I'm one step ahead of you
my husband told me last night he wants a divorce and proceeded to blame me for all his unhappiness. I'm still amazed at how calm I was once he said it. His anger no longer triggers my anger. I have a certain peace now within myself knowing I'm ok and his anger and unhappiness is his problem and something he needs to deal with. He's been really feeding himself so many negative thoughts, it shows. Reading what you wrote feels like I'm reading my own words.
I'm happy I went to a conference this weekend in NYC to see speakers Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson. I've been reading alot of their books and have realized that we are all on our own journey in life and have our own lessons to learn and are the only ones that can create our own happiness.
I believe this whole situation has made me more spiritually aware of myself and has only helped me to become a better person.
If and when he does leave, well, I'll be fine. Maybe it's time for him to go. We served each other purpose for whatever reason. I'll continue to pray he finds peace and happiness. But it still hurts that he wants to give up so easily after 6 yrs together/2 married.....I wonder if he really ever did love and respect me or if I was just not paying attention to all the red flags again. Lesson #4 for me!
Hang in there, your life isn't going to stop just because he's not in it. But I do hope it turns around for you if that is what you truly want.
I have felt the same way, more often Than I want to Remember...
Nymh,
I WISH I could give You some Magic Solution to this, but ALL I have ever been able to Do, Myself "Hold On Loosely" like the Old 38 Special song. Give Lisa the time and space to work it out on Her Own, and Give Myself the freedom to prepare for whatever may come.
Hugs From Me Too...I know Cyber Hugs aren't as Comforting as Real Ones, but the Thought sometimes Helps, and knowing that Someone else has been through a similar situation and come out OK,can be that little boost of Hope needed.
Steve
Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
I have felt the same way, more often Than I want to Remember...
Nymh,
I WISH I could give You some Magic Solution to this, but ALL I have ever been able to Do, Myself "Hold On Loosely" like the Old 38 Special song. Give Lisa the time and space to work it out on Her Own, and Give Myself the freedom to prepare for whatever may come.
Hugs From Me Too...I know Cyber Hugs aren't as Comforting as Real Ones, but the Thought sometimes Helps, and knowing that Someone else has been through a similar situation and come out OK,can be that little boost of Hope needed.
I personally tend to Yell or beat on something inanimate, when I get Frustrated, Writing it out sounds like a saner, or at least less painfull option to Me. I used to write things out in "Black Poetry" but I seem to have lost My Muse, several years ago...
Steve
Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL
About the e-mails... I know
About the e-mails... I know I'm probably going to be barraged with hate comments... but... I know what you mean...
I wrote a 3 page e-mail to the new wife yesterday... and haven't sent it...
My ex and I have a pretty good relationship. We talk... I just recently did something for him (financially) and he in turn did something nice for me (concert ticks)... We figure we've been in each other's lives longer than we were alive prior to being together... Anyway... I still worry about him... I can't help it... I'll always love him... why would I have ever married him if I didn't.. He was having an absolutely HORRIBLE day the other day... we talked 3 times that day and I couldn't get how miserable he sounded out of my mind... I sent him a smiley face e-mail.. and in it I said that i would always be there for him if he needed to talk.. I ended it with telling him that we all loved him and included a smiley pic of our new grandson...
His wife read it and e-mailed me back the nastiest e-mail... (which prompted the 3 pager I DID NOT send but wrote to vent...) Is is SO wrong to still care for your ex... ???? Does that make me a horrible person????
Not a Horrible Person At All..
Just perhaps from a new wifes perspective...a person who is not respectful of his "new" marriage. If you really care about him and love him, let him move on like Cruella suggests.
I too as an exwife could easily call my ex 5 times a day and be buddies and his wife would have no clue...Just as I am sure my DH's ex calls him for "advice" and he thinks I am unaware of her dependency on him still...But I guess what I'm trying to say is befriend both of them now....not just him any longer and you'll be even more of a quality person in everyone's eyes.
I don't care if my Dh is still friends with his ex...I just don't want to be lied to or made a fool of. And, I am sorry but in my book, no one should be helping themselves to another womans husband for any reason without the wife's awareness of it. If the new wife wants you to leave her man alone....you probably should. I am not jealous..just territorial. I'd be paying you a little visit in person if you sent my man cutesy "I'll always be here for you" notes. and him..Fugghetabout it! He'd be crawling his butt back to your place if he allowed you to continue to be buddies with him behind my back. You are his past...she is his present...
Depending on how this plays out....who knows what his future will be like.
I'm curious to know why the new wife got upset with you for your actions? Did any of it make any sense to you at all?
Thank you for your advice...
Thank you for your advice... You have NO IDEA how much I need it... I'm really lost at all of this... I'm the ONLY divorcee in my family, and I don't know where to turn..
Well.. the e-mail was written before any of this.. but she went in for "surgery" the other day... I figured out--based on the description HE gave me of the incisions--that among other things she had cosmetic surgery... Didn't make a difference to me, but I wanted to make sure that the "financial" help I gave my husband just a few weeks prior to this was not for his new wifes cosmetic surgery... that was my only question to him.. Like I said in the e-mail I wrote, but didn't send to her "i don't care if she had an add-a-dick-to-me... as long as I didn't pay for it.." Does this make me wrong????
She was SOOOO upset that i knew that they were apparently screaming so loudly at each other in the hospital, that security was going to be called...
That night is when i got the e-mail... So, I guess everything was cumulative... I don't know...
Anyway, I should proably mention that this woman was seeing my husband behind my back when I was still married to him...
We had separated... they began seeing each other, and then he left her to come back to me for a while.. But I "accidently" found out that they were still seeing each other behind my back while we were "trying to work things out..."
Then he left her again to start seeing some other woman, and he kept complaining to me that "she would call him off the hook" and would not leave him alone...
Why then... does she feel that I should back off and leave her alone to "work things out" when she did not afford me the same level of respect??
Just a question...
I wouldn't say you did
I wouldn't say you did anything wrong but I will try to say it from what might be his persective and how I have taken the same thing from Steve.
When there has been adversity with my ex he has stated how he feels and what he plans to do and many times I see what how he is reacting as an overreaction due to misunderstanding. I don't like fighting and arguing so my method to deal with things a l;ot of the time is to just blow it off until things calm down then deal with it rationally. Steve on the other hand likes to deal with things immediately.
Now to prevent my kids from seeing the adults in their life behaving irrationally I try to calm things down and handle it away from the kids.
If steve was in this situation and wrote a "nasty letter" to my ex I would worry about two things. 1. is he going to send it and has he been sending them all along without my knowledge so that there is more strife between the ex and us?
and 2. Idf he feels the need to write this letter after the incident is overwith then he really hasn't gotten over it and settled it like he said he did. So what else is he holding grudges on that I am not aware of? What other harmful secrets is he withholding from me that are building resentment and distance between us?
This increases the lack of trust that me and Steve already have and are working so hard to rebuild.
I am not by any means saying your wrong, I do think it was a good way to handle it, but I can see some of why he is upset and yes I do think he is overreacting to what you did without enough reason, there is something more going on in his head.Good luck and God Bless
I know it sounds crazy and there are many times that I think I am crazy. But if it helps you understand the emotions that your BF is feeling then I am glad I put it out there.
Lisa Dawn
RE:
I see where you're coming from and I could understand if my letter was nasty, but it wasn't. Everything I write is always civil and constructive. I always stress that we CAN work this out, we CAN get along, we CAN get over our past hardships and work together for the sake of SS. They're very uplifting and sometimes corny because they're so positive. So while I can understand how he would feel like I'm investing too much emotion in the situation if I feel the need to write to her, I don't understand how such positive letters could be taken so badly.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
Santal16....you're not a
Santal16....you're not a horrible person for caring. But I am coming to you from the point of view of being the woman the man is with who has the ex that cares too much"
His ex and him cared soooo much about eachother that any time he had a bad day he called her, if he had good news to share he called her, how could we build or relationship if she was the one he always turned to? When I asked that boundaries be set I was told that she was more important to him than I would ever be. Talk about hurt and betrayal by the man I loved and the woman I tried to befriend. At that point I gave up. I told him me or her. I deserved to be first place in my mans life and would not settle for less. This issue has caused soooo much hurt mistrust and anguish to all of us that I really don't think he should have tried to ,move on with me when he was so intertwined with her. Now I have no tolerance whatsoever for the two of them being "friends" and I am called the irrational jealous immature one.
Out of respect for your exes new relationship and his happiness...LET HIM GO... I know it hurts you but you need to tell him to turn to her when he needs someone....that the two of you ended that dependency when you spilt up. If you can't do that then maybe you belong together and he needs to choose who he wants to love, RESPECT, and cherish.
You sound like a woman who is caring enough to not want a lifetime of problems with him and her over you because that crap gets real nasty real fast and none of you need it.
Lisa Dawn
caring too much
I know you are absolutely right.... I wish there was a magic pill I could take to make the "caring" go away. My head tells me that it is no longer my problem... I just cannot seem to get my heart to understand that...
All I want is for every feeling I have for him to go away... I do not want to care... I wish I could hate him... All my friends tell me that I haven't reached that point in all of this yet... But GOD when will it happen...??? I'm praying for it believe me... I just think differently than most people I guess.. I was always raised to believe that true love NEVER dies... and I guess if I admit that his love DID die... then I begin questioning if I just wasted more than 20 years of my life believing in something that just was not true...
I don't want to be the "Crazy Ex" that everybody is talking about here... I guess I just need help figuring out HOW to be the EX... Where the boundaries lie... What's best for my kids..
It's hard enough trying to figure out who YOU are after a divorce... I was always somebody's wife... somebody's mother... somebody's daughter/sister-in-law.. but add in all the extra baggage on top of it... It's a wonder ANY of us actually survive any of this...
Thank you for listening,
God Bless and Take Care!
Well God bless you for
reaching out and asking for help. Now can be the best time of your life (I know that sounds CRAZY but truly, now you get to find out just who YOU are!!!) You get to experience independence, you get to go and do as you please without having to answer to a husband, if you want to buy yourself $100 worth of books at Barnes and Nobles you don't have to answer to anyone...if you want to eat dinner at 8 PM you don't have to ask if that is okay...etc.
You don't have to hate your ex, but you do want to let go gracefully, especially if there is a new wife in the picture. The new wife wants to feel like her marriage is respected and that YOU respect her place. (Although I did read your other post about how they GOT together and that situation is a little different, I imagine, and I TOTALLY get the "How can I respect HER if she didn't respect ME angle.") ...this is where you'll want to be the gracious, bigger person. (Believe me, what goes around comes around, okay?)
You most certainly did NOT waste 20 years of your life, think of it as you spent 20 years of your life preparing for even bigger and better things!! And your heart will let go in time and it may take a LOT of time. Do all the things you never got to do while you were married...or wanted to do, or new things!! Read the book How Stella Got Her Groove Back, if you haven't already.
As for boundaries - here are a couple things;...keep calls/emails/contact related to subjects about the children, and try to limit contact as much as you can (speaking from a new wife's point of view). Don't get up in his PERSONAL koolaid; if he tries to discuss his marriage to her with YOU, do not take the bait, if he comes to you with his emotional needs, you tell him, hon, that is what your new wife is for...let HER be annoyed, so to speak.
Now go live your amazing, beautiful life!! I so admire you for having the courage to come on this site and ask for help. God bless your heart!!
Fearless
Fearless you are so right
Fearless you are so right with what you said here. Life after divorce is hard and letting go of a "true love" is even harder. I spent years greiving over the death of the one "true love" that I had and then I had to place my faith in God and tell myself that if life was that good with him then how much better would it be with the one that God chose for me to spend my life with instead of the one I chose. That gave me the courage to let go and look forward to what was yet to come.
One helpful Idea if you can't turn to your religion is to try your imagination. Here's how this works for me. I imagine that I stayed with so-and-so and we continued our negative behaviors that drove us apart. Then we got more intense to the point of a hurtful, angry, maybe even abusive relationship. End the fantasy there and be grateful for the good you had and the fact that you were both smart enough to get out before you hurt eachother that bad. Consider it a lesson learned in life that makes you a better person and makes you a better partner. It changes the kind of love you hold for your ex and enables you to move forward just a little more.
Good luck and God bless you for caring enough to try to let go. It shows that you are a better person than most!
Lisa Dawn
Thank you
Thank you so much... As they say, God does work in mysterious ways... (I spent $60.00 at Barnes and Nobles over the weeken), and I just taped How Stella got her groove back the other night.... LOL LOL LOL (Great minds think alike)... I can't wait to watch it now...
I'm so happy to have found this site... You have NO idea!!!
Big Cyber Hugggggggggssssssss
How funny!!
Read the book...I LOOOOOOOVE Terry McMillan...that sista can WRITE!
Hugs right back to you, what a breath of fresh air it is to see an ex wife trying to do the RIGHT thing and not acting like, well, (I'll refrain from my usual gutter mouth) ... er... a butthole.
You're gonna be just fine!!!! HUGS!!!!
Can you get away?
It sounds to me like you and BF need some time apart. Can you get away for a weekend? Go someplace, soak up some sun, and have fun with some girlfriends. Take a couple of days to be happy, then come back and reevaluate what you want. Time and space will help you both. If you really did send nasty emails to BM, he would KNOW it. He would hear it from her. I think he's having other issues and blaming his thoughts/feelings on the email.
Btw, I write letters like that all the time and don't send them. I always start with the intention of sending them, but then I chicken out because it should be coming from DH, and not me. It DOES feel good to get it out.
Question for Nymh
Has your BF ever told BM off? Has he ever told her his true feelings as to how she is a fucking trainwreck and he is sick of dealing with her horse shit.?
Jo
"I'll be alright in a year or two after I calm down". Detective Donahue - Soap
RE:
I couldn't count the number of times he's told her that, or told her never to call him again, if she had something that he needed to know she could call his lawyer or the sheriff or his mother, etc. This woman is just in such denial that no matter who tells her or how often they tell her, she just can't see that her actions are wrong. I'd love to be around the day that the truth finally hits her and she realizes just how crazy she is.
*~So sayeth Nymh~*
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