Step Talk

It's frustrating when someone is intentionally screwing with your house, the function of your house, and the function of your marriage, just to be vindictive. I know, I know...your bm is extremely crazy, but the fact is, she does this shit just to be a thorn in everyone's side, without any regard to how her ill manners and rudeness impact you, your dh, and your precious children.

I share similiar frustrations with my bm, she just isn't as crazy as yours.

If your bm would just communicate, and work on getting on with her life, she wouldn't try so hard to occupy your life so much.

Whine all you want...we are here for you!

Hugs,
Candice

One of BM's and BF's "tasks" assigned by the therapists last week was to communicate openly and in advance of any upcoming plans with SD. (Someone's failing miserably at that, I might add!) So last night at the school thing they went to, BF gave it the old college try, swallowed back the bile in his throat and offered up that we're taking SD to the aquarium on Saturday (which is in another state, by the way.) He held his breath, waiting for her to go off and say we don't have her permission like she usually does and she just said "oh, that's nice." Ok, good. Progress? Not!

BM calls some time after midnight and leaves a message saying that SD wants to go to a sleepover party on Friday night for her cousin's 11th birthday and she will drop her off at our place "some time on Saturday morning." There are sooooo many things wrong with this.

a) Why didn't she bring this up when they were discussing the weekend's plans that very evening? I dare her to say she just found out about it. You don't plan a birthday party with 2 days' notice. Nope, she's hiding behind voicemail. This way, she can be unavailable for days to discuss it and come to an agreement together. This way, she does what she wants and gets her way.

b) Our extended family plans parties for when SD will be with us - aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, great-grandparents, you name it. If that's not possible, we understand that SD will just have to miss out on that one. Her extended family should do the same. It is NOT BM's decision what SD does on OUR time! ASK us and we'll discuss it, but DICTATE to us and we just automatically want to say NO WAY!

c) We're leaving our place at 9am on Saturday to drive an hour and a half to spend the entire day out and about. You're gonna tell me that an 11-year-old girl is going to be well-rested enough for that after a sleepover party? Great idea!

d) SD told us last weekend that she'd like some family time at home for our next weekend. When we told her about the aquarium for Saturday, she asked if we could have Friday night and Sunday at home together. (I ate that right up! This time next year, she probably won't want ANY family time! ) So, BM is just going to take that away without discussing it with us? Sorry, no.

Anyway, we'll discuss it with SD tonight to see what she thinks about all this. However, in a high-conflict situation like ours, this puts her IN THE MIDDLE, making her "choose" between her parents, which should never ever ever happen. I remember when I was her age and something came up that I wanted to do with my friends on my dad's weekend, my mom would just tell me "take it up with your dad. It's between the two of you. I'm not involved." She was smart! She didn't want my dad to see her as the evil ex who takes the kids away on his time. But see, this is different. BM wants SD to go to this sleepover, but I'm not so sure that SD's all that keen on it. SD is always saying how annoying her cousin is, how immature she is even though they're practically the same age, so why would she give up the "family time" she specifically requested to go hang out with the obnoxious cousin? Yep, that's right - because Mommy Dearest wants her to.

Well, all we can do is bring it up at the Family Based Therapy appointment tomorrow night. Watch, BM'll cancel it because she knows she's in the wrong and won't be able to wriggle her way out of it. I'm just so glad we have these therapists because in the past when BM pulled this type of thing, she'd put SD on the phone sobbing and begging "please, Daddy! Just do what Mommy says. Just this once! It'll be ok - I'll see you on Saturday, Daddy. Please just let me go so Mommy won't be upset." I'll tell you what: those days are OVER.

Un-real Caitlin. Absolutely un freakin real. (Now ya know why I put your BM 2nd on the 'road trip' hit list)

It amazes me every time. How manipulative and down right mean.

I tell ya, one of DK's responses to my letter regarding the excess calls from her to BF about nothing. "well, aren't you selfish, these are his children and you don't want your precious time to be taken away, so that he may be imformed as to what's happening in their lives. You are the one that needs to grow up".

I wanted to spit nails. It just goes to show you they can turn around and justify ANYTHING.

Jo
"I'll be alright in a year or two after I calm down". Detective Donahue - Soap

Seen it heard it and done all this for the last 4.5 years. Yawn. When will these bloody women GET OVER IT.

I too am tired of this BS ruling my life. Every contact is the same with BM making it difficult and making demands to the point where I think 'shove it up your fat ass'! Like I care anyway anymore!

Familiar? If not, give it time. Yawn.

your 1st paragraph describes exactly what we are going through too w/ex witch. she does the same bullshit over and over. her excuse is oh I just found out, yeah right 2 or 1 day before the event???? she wants to be in control of ss and so far she's not abiding by the divorce decree. if we ever go back to court we got email evidence of it all to back us up. so if i were you i would document everything.

-happy mom

No matter what happens with this weekend, I will be ok. My fiance told BM that the cousin's party interfered with our plans, so unfortunately SD would not be able to go this time. If she raises a big stink, we'll address it with Family Based Therapy. We brought it up with SD last night at our (wonderfully lovely!) visit and it was such a non-issue. My fiance said "Your mom and I talked about your cousin's party, but Caitlin and I didn't think it a good idea since we're going to the aquarium the next morning and we don't want you to be exhausted. Plus, we were all looking forward to a nice family evening Friday night. What do you think?" SD replied, "that's fine" and that was the end of that. I'm sure we'll hear from BM that SD "came home crying that you won't let her go to the party" or some such nonsense, but I'm not going to get my panties in a twist over it. If BM wants to make a fool of herself by projecting HER desires onto SD, then let her. (She wants her daughter and niece to be closer but SD honestly doesn't like her very much.) The therapists will see what's going on.

As for last night, I went ahead and fought traffic for an hour and a half to go see SD and BF; the baby didn't go down until 9:15pm, but boy oh boy did we have a great family evening together. The girls were soooo happy to see each other so it was totally worth it. Plus, I was happy to finally have an evening with my fiance since I hadn't seen him since Sunday! So see? BM didn't ruin everything!

I may have to whine every now and then about BM running our household, but at least I have a happy household despite all she does to cause trouble. We'll just keep diligently documenting all the crap BM pulls and hopefully one day we'll have a happy household that WE control, not HER. In the meantime, I'll just keep coming here and commiserating with you lovely folks.

Ha ha HA. BM just called off tonight's Family Based appointment AND finally informed him that she hadn't scheduled them a parent/teacher conference in the first place because it would have conflicted with the FB appointment. Damn, isn't she timely? She called right AFTER the last bus to our town, so now I have to go pick him up. That's ok - at least I have my fiance home with me tonight. (See? I'm thinking positive!)

As for the cancelled FB appointment, BM says that SD doesn't feel well so she called it off. First of all, SD doesn't even meet with them on Thursday nights - it's just BM and BF at those meets. I think she's just avoiding owning up to the fact that she's trying to screw with our weekend because she wants SD to go to her cousin's party tomorrow night and will pull out all the stops to make that happen. She knows they would call her out on her misbehavior tonight so she just cancels. She canceled SD's appointment with them last night as well because SD was "too busy" - she had newspaper club after school and then dinner with us. This just seems fishy to me. They missed 2 weeks of FB for spring break, had one week on and then the next week off again. Sounds to me that BM is trying to avoid avoid avoid. In the last 4-week period when they should have met 8-12 times, they've met twice I think. Sounds like someone's not complying with the treatment.

I hope that SD's "sickness" tonight isn't one of her world-class bellyaches. When she gets worried and anxious about something (like the conflict over the cousin's birthday party perhaps?) she complains of a stomachache and cries her little eyes out because she doesn't know how to deal with the drama. I hope she's ok.

It's bound to happen. The wheels are finally turning in her head and she's figuring it out now... the therapists aren't her friends, they are her enemies. Plus, I'm certain that they are making her more and more uncomfortable each session because she can't convince them of her tragic issues with DH. So, she's going to pull canceling sessions at every twist and turn she can get to delay any corrective action or process, counteract anything that may possibly get through to her... if it does, I doubt it though... it's normal for someone that is this deep into denial. The thing is that she doesn't realize that will work against her... but oh well. The better for you.

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...