wayoverit's picture

Adult pregnant stepdaughter is ruining my marriage

My husbands daughter is 18 and pregnant. She hates me and I hate her.
It didn't start out that way..it started out pretty good when she was not stuck up my husbands butt and had a life of her own, but that is a whole other story. I would also like to mention that he is very much stuck up hers also. It repulses me.
She moved in with us when she got pregnant and at first we got along well.
My husband has a sick idea of what parenting is all about and their relationship makes me ill.
He babies her like she is a 5 year old, and when she throws a tantrum, she gets whatever she wants. He does her laundry, orders for her at restaurants, jumps at any chance he can get to serve her. In his defense, he has gotten better, but the sickness is still there.

She won't answer his calls because she didn't get her way, and he freaks out! He will text and calling repeatedly until she answers and then he will give in and give her whatever it was she was mad about or what she wanted. Or if he had "disciplined" (yeah right...joke) her, he apologizes profusely and then takes her shopping or something to make it up to her.

She trash talks me behind my back and on social networking sites, and he says nothing. She doesnt follow the same rules of the house that my kids have to follow. She is a disrespectful witch and tries to push my buttons and it is causing a major rift between my husband and I, which is her ultimate goal.
All I want is an apology and some respect and I get neither.
He doesnt make her, so why would she? It just gets worse and worse.

They text and call eachother constantly and I feel like I am the stepchild and she is the wife.
He has gone to her with our problems before, which honestly, our only problem is her. We get along great otherwise.

I feel like when she is around I don't exist. When him and I are out together the @*&%ing phone is ALWAYS within his reach so he can be in CONSTANT contact with his little princess. But somehow when they are together, he doesn't have his phone to be in contact with me...????? hmmmmm

I am not sure whether it would be best for me to stay in the marriage or run for the hills. He used to pay a lot of attention to my kids, until she threw a fit and you guessed it, she got her way....AGAIN.

Does anybone have any advice for me before I check myself into an insane asylum or end my marriage? Do they (DH) ever change or "get it" and finally see that they are not doing their daughters any favors by enabling them and not making them have consequences for their actions? They turn them into self centered, self absorbed witches who can't do anything for themselves. I think he is ruining any potential chance she would have for a normal relationship. I don't know what man would find that desirable in a woman but maybe I am wrong.

Help! I just want to stop feeling jealous of her and I want my marriage to be like it was before she got pregnant and he was actually allowed to pay myself and my kids attention!! Am I wrong in feeling this way? I just can't help it Sad


ybarra357's picture

OK behavior is WAYYY

OK behavior is WAYYY overboard. Gee, I hate to mention this, but who's the baby's daddy? You don't think this it could possibly be some sort of incestuous relationship? I know, it sounds gross, but this is a really weird situation.

wayoverit's picture

LOL No it is not incestuous.

LOL No it is not incestuous. I am positive of that. As a matter of fact there is very little physical involvement at all. (She doesn't hang all over him, I have never even seen them kiss goodnight etc).
The babies daddy is out of the picture and she doesnt include him in anything to do with the baby. I think that is odd myself, but who am I? I know he exists and he is kind of a jerk, but she went from being head over heels in love with this guy to now she won't even tell him the gender of the baby. Weird.

wayoverit's picture

Why would she need a daddy

Why would she need a daddy for the baby?...she has her Daddy to take care of her and now her baby. Makes me sick.

winehead's picture

I could not tolerate this

I could not tolerate this either. And I know what you mean about having the phone close by. Lord when one of my steps calls DH is jumping out of his skin to talk to them. But that's probably the biggest irritation I have right now and I can live with that!

I'm not one to recommend running for the hills, but if your DH isn't willing to look at his behavior and see the effect it has on you, your choice is to live with it or go. I think you need to define what you absolutely won't tolerate, have a conversation with your DH, and see what happens. I agree with disengaging too. But it's damn hard when he stops being your partner every chance he gets to bow to the princess.

wayoverit's picture

I try to disengage but it is

I try to disengage but it is so freaking hard.
She is blatantly trying to sabotage our marriage and he is too blind or not willing to see it.
She wants me gone so she can have Daddy all to herself again. He will choose her over me, he may not be happy about it, but he would do it in a heartbeat I have no doubt in my mind.
The saddest part is, I would never ask him to choose between me and her because it is his stupid daughter. SHE is the one making this a competition. A competition that I can't compete in because I am the adult (as I have heard so many times) and she is just a "kid" (he refers to her as a kid ALL the time). She does something disrespectful to me (like calling me a stupid fat bitch on her social networking page) and according to my husband it is just her "lashing out" because she is upset about her mom and him getting a divorce. BLECH! Whatever!! She hung a picture of her and her mother and my husband on MY refrigerator and I amd just supposed to "Move ON"!! ? MY KIDS are ALL respectful to him. They would never act in this manner because they weren't raised that way.
I love my husband but I love my kids and myself too. This is just too depressing. I want to be able to defend myself OR at least have my husband defend me!!

wayoverit's picture

I wish I could tell her how I

I wish I could tell her how I REALLY feel about it, but as the adult I just have to sit back and take it. This sucks Sad It makes me so sick how she keeps doing stuff to me and her Dad does absolutely nothing. He is teaching her nothing by doing nothing.

wayoverit's picture

I agree with you

I agree with you shootingstars. It is a shame too because I thought I had finally found the perfect man. He is everything I have ever wanted in a man until this. He is showing me a side of him that I never thought I would see.
We have a wonderful relationship otherwise and never argue, with the exception of her stupid immature issues.
I really don't know if I can handle this. I feel so alone and depressed. Heck, I can feel this way being on my own and then I at least wouldn't have to deal with their stupid selfish ways.

Totalybogus's picture

Have you suggested

Have you suggested counseling? Sometimes a non-biased party that doesn't have a personal agenda is very helpful in these types of situations.

StepAside's picture

Wow, you said you feel like

Wow, you said you feel like the stepchild and she's the wife. I got tears in my eyes. I don't think I've ever nailed down exactly how rotten I've felt about the situation before, but that pretty much sums it up.

Yes, it can get better. I was reaching the end of my rope and started making changes. I didn't know what that would mean, but I was tired of being treated with absolute disrespect. We have 2 kids together, 10 and 13. So, I don't think my DH wanted to blow up our marriage over his temptation to give in to his adult daughter's demands or tantrums. When I drew the line in the sand, he was forced to choose. No more being "in the middle" and trying to find some sort of excuse for their behavior. In fact, once I drew the line, he apologized for not standing up for me all these years. He said their behavior humiliated him and begged for me to forgive him. Guess we just cruised through too much crap on auto-pilot. When I made changes, change came.

Now, my SD's don't like me anymore than they used to. But, the difference is, I care about 99% less than I used to. While I would enjoy more peace with them, their opinions of me and their behavior towards me is only a reflection on them, not on me. So they can own it. Doesn't stick to me anymore. I tried, I'm done.

I don't know about your situation. Do you have kids together? Could be a tough one since he now has a grandbaby also. Seems like another kid almost.

Bottom line, I made it clear to my DH that marrying him never meant that I consented to being disrespected, period. They disrespect me in our home, they are to the curb. If they disrespect me at a family function, WE are outta there that second. And more distance and time will be between visits. I'm not wasting anymore holidays or time with folks who can't be nice. Life is too short.

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

KittyKat's picture

I truly feel your pain as I,

I truly feel your pain as I, too, have adult SDs (two now over 30, I pushing 30), and this has been an ongoing issue (until I threatened to LEAVE for GOOD) for years.

I totally understand how you feel in that your SD is the "wife" and YOU are the "kid". Unacceptable.

You need to make a MOVE. As long as you STAY and tolerate it, you are basically saying YES to this situation. YOU are your h's life partner, not his D.

IMO, if you make it CLEAR to your H that you WILL leave, he has two choices: 1. Make things better with YOU 2. Not care that you might leave so he can dote on his brat.

If he chooses 2, then he did you a favor. At least then you can plan accordingly and get on with your life. Painful, yes, but staying in a marriage where you are "second best" is even more painful.

Hugs,big time, friend!!!

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."-Eleanor Roosevelt

StepAside's picture

So, you're in my shoes but a

So, you're in my shoes but a little further along. I have 3 SD's in their 20's. Did yours mellow out after you drew the line? Or do they have nothing to do with you and your DH?

(ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

Shannon61's picture

The minute she got pregnant .

The minute she got pregnant . .she was no longer a kid.

I was in same nigthmare with SD and DH a couple of years ago, and it got better only because of one thing . . I threatened to leave. Against my better judgement, I married DH and moved in with him and SD (now 26) because he wanted us to bond. It didn't happen. I put her in our wedding . . .trying to make her happy, and after I moved in, she refused to cooperate with us on anything. I threatened to leave him because I didn't want to deal with her stupid BS and he got the message quickly. I also told him that I couldn't compete with her nor would I try.

The good news is that after all my complaining about her, DH is finally starting to see the error of his coddling ways and is ready for her to move out. Just the other day he admitted that she's the way she is because of him.

He now sees her as being lazy, selfish, and realizes she's not all sugar and spice and everything nice . . .but a sad, petty, mean spirited, jealous young lady who lacks common sense. At 26 he still has to tell her things over and over again, like she's 6 years old. It frustrates him to no end, and at one point, he even apologized to me for not doing a good job at raising her.

Your DH is the problem here. He has clearly made HER his priority and since there's a baby coming, it's likely he'll focus even more of his attention on her. I'd have a long talk with him and if things didn't change, I would consider leaving. Life is too short to be miserable. Good luck.

wayoverit's picture

I so agree with you Shannon.

I so agree with you Shannon. I believe I am in for an even further push back down the totem pole and order of priority when the grandbaby arrives.
I just wish this "kid" who is about to be a mother herself, would grow the hell up, get a life, maybe with her own man, and quit being so clingy and needy with mine, and also learn to have respect for me (and everyone else) who has done nothing but try to help. It is ridiculous, and sad really, all she gave up with me and my family. We could have provided more support and help to her...
Her own mother is a piece of crap who is also very needy and has the government and anyone else who is willing, taking care of her...I see a pattern.
I believe government assistance is perfectly fine to get you through tough times, but this woman (BM)takes advantage and has no plans to remove herself from assistance.

I am seriously trying to weigh out things. I, on one hand think that it might get better after she is on her own and they are not in my face so I don't have to see it. It literally makes me nauseated to see how much he kisses her butt. I just do not get it! How could he possible expect her to have respect for him or for anyone else when she gets to act like a 5 year old and STILL get her ass kissed.
It could just be wishful thinking thinking it might get better, but I pray it does because I don't want my marriage to end.

As far as giving him an ultimatum...I already know what his choice will be. Her. He made that choice even without me asking him to Sad
I know that is wrong and I shouldn't accept that, but I am seriously torn. Writing this, I see how stupid it sounds. But when I think of my own kids, I could never put anyone above them. But I know that they would never act as immature and idiotic as his "kid" does either. They would never put me in the position that she has put him in.

I am so confused. Sad

I thought when you got married it was "for better or worse"...not "until your daughter decides she hates your wifes guts so you dump the wife to make the daughter happy".

He has really put me in an awkward position. I am a really nice person but I resent this brat so badly that I feel like I am turning into an evil person. I can't stand her.
I am just supposed to be understanding that this 18 year old brat is just acting out because of her parents divorce and I am the person she is lashing out to? and be "the adult" and just "move on"???
I am human and feel like I want to defend myself, and I would have to anyone else who treated me like this, but since I can't, I despise her and resent THEM more and more everyday.

What a sucky situation to be in Sad I wish I would have known then what I know now, and I would NOT have married him in the first place.

I truly appreciate all you guys' words of wisdom. It is helping to hear that even though our situations are slightly different, we all feel the same crappy way. It is nice to know that I am not alone. Thank you for that.

wayoverit's picture

I guess what it all comes

I guess what it all comes down to is that I love him more than I hate her. Also... the LAST thing I want to do is give the witch what she wants, which is for me to go away....

oneoffour's picture

Can he afford to set her up

Can he afford to set her up in a studio apartment? So she can be on her own and living the 'adult' life. Cos really, 18 is not an adult when you don't have the skills to make it in the Real World. Hell, I know 40 yr olds who are not 'adults'.

This is the way I see it. Baby is born, SD will pawn the kid off on you or threaten to leave the baby with her mother and because the BM is a loser you (being a good person) will not let that happen.

Play tit for tat. Put up a BIG picture of you with your 1st marriage family. HUGE. Get one blown up. Sitck it on the fridge.

Then when he kisses her butt you tell him this ..."Everytime you jump at her demands I will spend $50 a piece on my kids. No arguments. I will willingly bankrupt this family if you will not stop your daughter from coming between us. She got pregnant, she knew it all, She needs a father not a butler. Man up dude."

And leave for every 2nd weekend away with your kids (Hide your good stuff while you are away). This man needs to get an idea of how much you do around the place and how empty his world will be without you. Camping, long walks. Anything Miss Princess can't do. Go do it.

paintedwings's picture

Have you ever mention to

Have you ever mention to you're husband that this behavior might make you leave? Maybe that will be enough to wake him up, or a couple nights go stay at a girlfriends house or a hotel, see how he reacts.

If he shows little interest I am afraid that he might have already checked out. A man should stand by his woman not his grown child, and no one should be treated like crap. He encourages her behavior by not saying anything.

And even if you left and it would see you would do what she wants .. who cares, at this point what do you want to make yourself happy and not so sad and angry all the time?

glynne's picture

I understand And use to feel

I understand

And use to feel like the 3rd wheel in our marriage when SD was around. I now know that it was DH's responsibility to change this dynamic not SD's. Yes, the SK's take advantage of the guilty parenting - but it's the parents' responsibility to change this. Things changed for the better when I disengaged and got much better when SD moved out. But there are still times that am hurt by DH's actions.

You can disengage but it's tough when they are still in the house. You can at least leave all of the responsiblity of SD to DH. You said that he does her laundry, but how about the groceries, picking up after her etc? You can also set up some time just for you and DH - a date night - no cell phones allowed. Can you set house rules for EVERYONE to follow?

Can you set a timeline for SD to move out? I did this when SD changed her college degree for the 3rd time. Now, don't get depressed but I/we gave her until 25YO to finish college or move out. She moved out. She did move back in without my consent for a short time afterwards - but that's another story. She's out now - but still no degree. So what I'm suggesting is that SD has the baby, SD gets a job, SD saves $'s for apartment and SD moves out. This is more than a fair compromise - do you think you can discuss this with your DH? And more important, do you think that you can live with their foolishness until she moves out?

Glynne

"If you come to a fork in the road, take it."
Yogi Berra