jessnelvis's picture

Pregnant 15-year-old Step-daughter

My husband and I got married in December. He has two daughters, 12 and 15. The oldest child is quite possibly to most dreadful child ever! I know that sounds horrible, but I don't know of any other way to express my feelings. And to make things oh-so-much-better, I just found out this weekend that she is pregnant. She's always been sort of "whorish." I know that sounds bad, too, but I don't have any other ways to say what I am thinking. I remember when I first came across some of her notes and such... especially the list of "People I've Had Sex and Stuff With." When I first met her, so quickly volunteered that she'd had sex with a fella when she was about 13 and that he'd gone to PRISON for statutory rape regarding the incident...even though she admitted it was consensual. When she first asked about birth control, I discussed it with her father and my mothers. They both felt that it was her way of getting a free pass to have sex, so after a couple of tries, I just dropped the subject. Well, I wish I hadn't. She's had this boyfriend for the past 7-8 months. He is 19 and already has a daughter. You'd think that would have said, "No! Get AWAY FROM HIM!"... but it didn't. I, of course, trying to support my husband, allowed the relationship. Boyfriend did a good job with the "I made a mistake when I had a child as a teenager and I've learned my lesson." Well, that was a joke. My husband and step-children have always said I'm too hard on them. I'm the "prison warden" and they are in "prison" and I don't let them do anything.... well, I hope they see now why. Her mother, who is the worst possible role model ever (she has two MORE kids with new boyfriend, who has, like 10 kids all togther...and they both live with his EX-wife and THEIR two kids in a small apartment where everyone sleeps on the sofa or a mattress on the floor....) told me she needed to be put on birth control. Did I listen? NO! I supported my husband and his opinion that she just wanted the free-pass to have sex. I feel sooo stupid, and I am trying SO hard not to say "I told you so..."

What makes this worse is that I never wanted kids of my own. But since I've met my husband, I've been leaning towards changning my mind about that. I've thought that in a couple of years when things settle down and we get into a good rhythm with our bills and can AFFORD a baby, that we might have a child. But now it's like my step-daughter has ruined EVERYTHING! My husband will have a baby calling him "grandpa" before too long, and it's totally insane that he'd have grandchildren OLDER than his own child! I am so ANGRY with her! We can't afford to take care of a baby! She's ruined any chance I may have had to have children of my own! I don't know ANYTHING about having babies, and she expects me to know what to do!!! It's like she's just decided to change my life whether I like it or not! I don't have a choice in this! My husband says the baby's daddy will be the one providing, but that's a joke! I'm going to be stuck taking care of and raising this baby and I know it! I am so angry with her and I'm scared and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown...and I've only known about this for 2 days! What's even worse than that is the fact that I work at DSS..... DSS! My kids aren't supposed to get knocked up when they are 15! People are going to think I'm a horrible person and will question how I can do my job correctly if I can't even raise my own children the right way! I dont feel like I can go to my mom because I will get the "I told you so" from her and I will feel like this is all MY fault! I don't know what to do.... I'm 27 years old and I'm going to be a grandmother before I've ever even had the chance to be a mother....!


MamaKrzewski's picture

I'm so sorry my dear. I'm not

I'm so sorry my dear. I'm not much older than you. Here's what I would do:

Send her butt down to welfare. She can get food stamps and a check to take care of that child, and it will be less of a financial burden on you. Your husband can also get them for her, and then you can control how the money is spent, so she's not buying stuff for herself.

Or, make her get a job...since she's under 18, she'll need someone's help to cash the checks...and you can control where the money goes that way.

Put her ass out when she's 18. If my child were to get pregnant, I'd do the same...you want to be grown, here you go.

As far as not having children, don't let this girl's mistake get to you. My niece is older than my youngest brother...because my papa was a "rolling stone" (liked to sleep around).

Also, tell your husband to grow a set, you're not a "prison warden" for expecting order in your house and kids who act like they have sense. That's the problem these days, parents want to be their kids' friends...um, no. My son is young yet, but when he gets into his teens, he'll understand that I'll knock his teeth out of he gets out of line. Wish I could do it with his older sister (stepdaughter), it might teach her not to be so full of herself.

Sorry you're going through this. How is your husband reacting to his 15-year-old being pregnant?

Disneyfan's picture

WELFARE??? The child told her

WELFARE???

The child told her parents that she was having sex and asked fir birth control. They allowed her to date an ADULT.

The rest of us shouldn't have to pay for their poor parenting choices.

jccomehere's picture

WOW this is my worse

WOW this is my worse nightmare. I'm 30 and my future SD is 15. I keep telling her dad to put her on b.c. We are not married yet but we do live together and are planning on marrying one day. But I told him I will leave him if she pops up pregnant. I will not be a grandmother at 30 and I don't wan my BD looking up to a teen mom. You all need to talk about the future and options, be it termination, adoption or living arrangements should she choose to keep the kid.

Gia's picture

I vote for adoption

I vote for adoption

Sincerely,

G

"I will die on my feet before I live on my knees"

misspeanut's picture

I agree. Let the baby have a

I agree. Let the baby have a chance with adult parents that WILL want to raise and take care of it. She is a baby, herself, and if you don't want the responsibility - let someone that does adopt the baby
Then, us, as taxpayers don't have another one to take care of.

spinknottle's picture

I'm surprised at the comments

I'm surprised at the comments here......

"boot her out when she's 18/take her to welfare for food stamps"???

This 15 year old is a child. She needs support. If you want her to become a productive member of society, help her by teaching her. A baby is never a bad thing even if it may come at the "wrong time"

As for talking about her choices, becuase of your own personal feelings towards this, I wouldn't touch that with a 10 foot pole. Set her up with a counsellor who can look at the situation objectively.

And to the person who "votes" for adoption. Not your kid, you don't get to vote. That's just rude.

PrincessFiona's picture

This is something I've given

This is something I've given considerable thought to since I think it could be a real possibility some day. BM does nothing to prepare SD for the real world other than make her older than she should be. DH and I have talked it through also and we agree on...

You can change it you have to deal with it. It can happen to good kids as well as bad, it's a mistake (well usually).

Our plan...We sit the kids down, expain their options and support them no matter what direction it goes. But supporting them is not making it easy for them. They are to understand upfront that having a child forfeits their own carefree childhood. We will not support a child, the parents will. They will work. They will continue schooling. We have even discussed that we would agree to raising a grandchild as our own if needed but truely as our own, complete adoption. this last discussion was born of the idea of having your first grandchild put up for adoption, something we weren't sure we could live with.

Just our plans. I hope it works out for you all.

Just know that this child doesn't have to drive all your decisions. There is no real reason outside of your and your DH's readiness to not have children of your own because of this.

nothinforya's picture

If she is still in the first

If she is still in the first trimester, she does have options other than having a baby or adoption.

Wishful_Thinking's picture

This happened to me and I can

This happened to me and I can relate to your situation.
My stepdaughter (15 at the time) announced she was pregnant. My husband and I discussed birth control and thought it was her ticket to sleep around so we never did anything about it. What a huge mistake that was!! I have two bio kids of my own with my husband, and my stepdaughter was always the negative energy in our home (defiant, drugs, you name it - she was horrible). We sat her down and tried to talk her out of it, which she said was determined to keep it. Long story short, my husband and I decided we were not going to make this easy on her and we were not bailing her out of her choices. I personally told her that we would give her a roof over her head, food in her belly, and that was basically it. I still have some deep resentment that she impacted our life without us having a choice.

Her son is a year old now, and she looks after him without asking us for much help (she still lives with us). Her son changed her in many ways. We do speak up and guide her with parenting (a bone of contention with her - she doesn't want to hear it) but it's only for the well being of the baby. Challenges are there sometimes - but they are more manageable now.

sixteensmom's picture

If babys daddy is 19 with a

If babys daddy is 19 with a 15 year old it's statutory rape.
She needs to make sure to file for cs immediately when the baby is born.

If I'd only known focusing on being my husbands wife instead of trying to be the worlds greatest step mother would make me this happy I would have done it years ago!

thiaflindz68's picture

That will be my sd in a year

That will be my sd in a year or two. She is 11 now. Im already debating with myself whether or not i should raise the baby she is gonna dump on us or let her lose it to the state. Her dad would never give her birth control because he would never admit shes a slut and sexually active. I mean...anything less than an angelic little girl

oldone's picture

Some person posted that it

Some person posted that it was not her child so she doesn't get a vote - I agree with the part that it is not her child. But she owes the child and the little baby to be NOTHING. She does not have to raise someone else's child.

The worst mistake in the world would be to have a 15 year old responsible for a child. That baby is innocent and deserves to have PARENTS.

My DH and BM had a ONS years after their divorce that produced SS27 who is a hopeless uneducated drunk bum. He deserved to have real parents who wanted him. His life could have turned out so much better with parents who loved and wanted him.

BM didn't want him and neither did DH. DH's 2nd wife refused to allow him in the home. (he was not married to her when SS was born). And these were college educated, professionally employed individuals who were almost 30.

Why condemn a child to a worthless life?

hippiegirl's picture

Does the preggo SD live with

Does the preggo SD live with you?

RedWingsFan's picture

Put the poor baby up for

Put the poor baby up for adoption so she/he has a chance at two ADULT parents please!

"Behind every bitch is a woman who got tired of being broken"

"Wine is to women like duct tape is to men - it fixes everything"

Delilah's picture

Wow! I am really not sure why

Wow! I am really not sure why the OP feels she will be the one bringing this baby up.

I also think that while I can appreciate the fact OP feels she should have pushed the BC issue yet instead trusted her partner and other individuals to ensure this would not occur, it is NOT the OP's fault. The PARENTS should have addressed this firmly, they didn't and even if they had this still may have happened. I do not think the SM is to blame here, she is not the BM.

I am aghast that sd15's parents have allowed her to date a 19 year old, that they have not taken steps to protect her from an adult male. This is statutory rape in the UK and frankly I would be pursuing that (its sad that sd has already been involved in one such case previously - this shows she has no moral compunction about making poor, serious choices in life and that does not herald positive news when it comes to bringing a new baby in the world).

Personally if I were SD15's parent, I would be telling her as follows:

You are 15, if you have a child it will be hard (and I would drag her arse to SHOW her and for her to speak to teen mother's - frighten her with the reality). I would encourage her to have either an abortion or consider adoption. I would make it clear you will not be supporting her child - she and baby daddy will have to.

As for the SM: I would be LIVID with my partner and I would show him that I was not going to take care of this baby by disengaging from sd. Harsh maybe but in all seriousness I think making it easy for entitled kids to make shockingly irresponsible serious decisions like having a baby at such a young age who can dump it on everyone else to do the hard work and only show up for the good stuff (like a frigging doll) is the reason WHY do many kids are having kids. Its NOT a game, this involves a human life. If she is old enough to have a baby then sorry the baby's welfare trumps the 15 yr olds. May seem a weird thing to say given I mention abortion but I have seen first hand the nightmare a child can be put through because the parents were too young, dumb, self centered, angry and saw their baby like a possession to be posed like a little dollie. Sick.

Your sd needs to know now that she has to be 100% responsible for this child because she needs to decide that she's going to do. If you roll over and allow everyone to take advantage of you being there (SM) then yes, your dreams will likely be hijacked by SD and her life, her wants. Not on. Perhaps her BM needs to step up and be the one who is there for this baby. Not you.

comfortablynumb's picture

There's so much more to the

There's so much more to the story when a teen gets pregnant, besides access or permission to get birth control. For example, my SD got pregnant, despite knowing everything about birth control. I even took her down to get on the pill THREE separate times, and paid for it (and multiple refills). She refused to stay on it. Finally she got the implant. When she found a guy she thought she could trap, she had her implant removed. While she was pregnant, the baby was a tool to manipulate the family. She was easily able get sympathy, money and support although she treats her father and everyone in the family horribly. She had a miscarriage, so no baby, but I don't imagine it will be long until she tries again.