stepmom101's picture

You can't have a male friend when you are married? Is this true?

Check this sh*t out okay.. I ran into a old friend online and we were chatting back and forth over the internet but sometimes we were missing eachother so I decided to give him my phone number to call me and yes of course, I told my husband about him and how we all use to hang out together and he was fine with it but oh no honey when he called the house the sob went bolistic. He came to my job and clowned called me a b and everything. I don't know about too many other women but I look at it like this, I wasn't born with four legs nor do I sleep around or whore around so I don't feel like I should be degraded as such so I called my mol (big mistake) I tell her what has gone on and she says that you're not ever suppose to give a man your phone number. Is this true? do you not talk to any males that you new as friends just because you are married? WTF? I need some feedback please quick fast and in a damn hurry because I am fed up with this marriage this disrespectful as man and all the drama that comes along with his family so someone please lend a sister some advice.


sugarbear01's picture

Same sex friendship

My saying is you are only cheating if you would not do it in front of your spouse. The fact you told him means you have nothing to hide. If he has issues, make sure the guilty is not accusing. Wish you the best of luck.

wornout's picture

Ridiculous

In my opinion that is crazy. If you have been open and honest with him, and he has no reason (history) to not trust you, then there should be no problem with any kind of friendship you want with anyone.
One thing I have found is that when someone is pointing a finger at someone else, they have three pointed back at them. Maybe he doesn't feel like he could have a female friend or would want one for anything other than sex.
Well, don't know if that helped at all. If you're honest and open I don't think you've done anything wrong.

MagneticNorth's picture

I don't think it'd be very

I don't think it'd be very cool for a married woman to be spending alone time with another man either in person or on the phone. Nor would it be cool for a husband to be spending alone time on the phone or in person with another woman.

If a person wants to be single and act single, they could do that instead of marrying. In my experience, every time cheating has happened it has been when a 'trustworthy' partner starts to develope such relationships outside of marriage.

If you really want this 'other man' as your friend, how about having him bring a date & going out with you and your husband?

laughterandtears's picture

Girl, Please

When you got married, did it say you were going to become a hermit and and blind as well? I would say your H has some serious issues with his self and security in your marriage if he is actind like that. I would laugh at him and tell him the same thing I told my husband 2 years ago, keep it up and there will be more guys calling this house than you can find in the phonebook. And MEAN IT!! If he wants to go, your better off without him anyway. Aren't you grown? Ya, so you don't a daddy telling you what to do. Good Luck!!! Love all my kids.

~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~

bettercockster's picture

Yeah right

So how long have you been divorced?

laughterandtears's picture

Bitter are we, bettercockster?

FYI, sugar, I've been married for a while now and I'll have you know that I have no more of these issues with my husband because unlike some people, he has matured in may areas! Sticking out tongue

~THE EXERCISE THAT REALLY CHANGES YOUR LIFE IS WALKING DOWN THE AISLE~

~IT WAS WORTH IT WHEN I BEGAN~

septembers_child's picture

My best friend..

My best friend has been my best friend for 26 years..My best friend is the only person on the planet that knows absolutley everything about me..We are extremely close and always have been..My best friend also just so happens to be male..

Hubby had a problem with it in the beginning when we were first daing he was very jealous..I told him flat out that my best friend is part of "my package" and if he made me choose between my best friend or him, he wouldn't like my choice..

My husband and my best friend do not like each other..And honestly, my best friend has very good reason's NOT to like my husband. My hubby was a real jerk to him in the beginning of our relationship..They have nothing nice to say about each other, so out of respect for me, they just don't say anything about each other at all.

If your not doing anything with your male friend that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse then their is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex...Our spouse doesn't have a lisence to pick out friends..He is your spouse...not your warden..

BIOMOM's picture

He was okay at first?

He was okay with you talking to this man, and giving your phone# at first? THEN, he went ballistic? I don't get it.

For me, in these "oh so touchy" situations, I put myself in Tim's place. Would I like if he were conversing with a girl/woman/lady from his past? Would I care if he gave out his phone # to her? Even if it was "OUR" telephone #?

My answer: F#CK YEAH!!!! I would not like it one bit. Regardless of whether he was up front about it or not. But you see, Tim knows better than that.

I guess it depends on the type of person you are, and what kind of person your man is.

I'm just a flaming lunatic when it comes to jealousy. And so is Tim. Therefore, we don't travel in waters that we may drown it.

Janice

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference...

smartredcookie2006's picture

I agree

My husband and I are extremely uncomfortable with opposite sex friendships outside of each other also, because of others doing us wrong in the past. But we each have them. The way we handled things were as follows, when I first moved in with him I explained to him any of his female friends I felt uncomfortable with. He had to get rid of one. One that he used to date. She was calling and e-mailing and Instant Messaging way too much so I wouldnt move in with that going on. Without hesitation, he told her not to call or contact him anymore. He also told me he was uncomfortable with this guy that was a friend of mine that had wanted a relationship with me for several years but I kept saying no so I ended that too. I told him about the other 2 males and every time one of them calls, I made it a point to only answer the phone if he is around to hear the conversation until he felt better about it. He did the same for me. All of these things without asking. Once, he made a comment about one of the guys and that he didnt like it....The guy had a crush on me when we were like 12 but not since...so I told him that, although this guy's friendship was important to me because we had been friends for so long, if it meant hurting his feelings, then it would be over....and he thought about it for a few minutes (realizing he was still the most important man in my life) and said it was ok...we have not had any problems since. His female friend even comes to stay here sometimes when she is in town. (Not the one he used to date but one that he was friends with her and her husband since his Navy days). He makes it a point never to be alone with her and to always include me. That makes all the difference. What also makes a difference is that she includes me. She has made a huge effort to be very respectful and sweet to me even though she was very good friends with my husband's ex-wife. It is a very delicate balance. And though your mother in law isnt totally corect about not giving out your number while you are married, you definately have to be willing to give up friendships if that is what your husband needs to feel secure. However, that only works if it goes both ways. You shouldnt be giving up everything for someone that doesnt treat you right. My husband treats me like I was made from gold. So giving up some friendships along the way was never an issue. Life is too short to be unhappy sister!!!

Stacey D

Stacey D

OldTimer's picture

Um...

boy would I be in trouble! All my friends are MALE! LOL. My DH doesn't have a problem, because truthfully, there isn't a problem. We are just as we are, friends and good friends at that. When I met my DH, my best friend was a male, and well... quite protective of me, but we were never never 'romantic' or 'intimate'. It's more of brother/sister.

So, in my humble opinion, when others over react, it's because most often they are insecure about something. Either they feel inferior, as if something they lack you are seeking in someone else. Or they lack the security and confidence in them selves.

I also had a friend once tell me, people who accuse others of cheating simply because, often are cheaters themselves doing so out of their own guilt.

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

BIOMOM's picture

StepMom

Perhaps I am a cheater.....if only in my mind.......

Does that count for a guilty conscience? LOL Eye-wink

J

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference...

OldTimer's picture

LOL

No, I mean physically cheating.... hell- mentally... may I burn in hell.... I doooooooo looooovvvvveeeeee my dreams!

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

BIOMOM's picture

But ya know, sm does bring up a very good point!

Her hubby went INTO their relationship knowing all of her friends were mostly male. Either he accepted it and continued their relationship, or he had to move on.......

He opted to continue to the relationship and be secure enough to know she loves only him in that...uh....oh, so romantic way!

And good for him! Some men might have accepted her friends UNTIL they got married. THEN he might have drew a few lines. But obviously secure with SM, he's just a good egg! Smiling God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference...

Anne 8102's picture

No male friends

I haven't maintained contact with any former male friends, but I haven't really maintained contact with many old female friends, either. We've moved a lot, I'm busy with the kids, marriage crap and family stuff, and there just plain isn't a lot of time or opportunity for that on my end. We both agreed when we got married that we wouldn't maintain contact with any former boyfriends or girlfriends because it just made sense to us both, but I don't think either of us would have a problem with casual contact with a co-worker or friend of the opposite sex, though, as long as no boundaries are crossed. If you find yourself baring your soul to a "friend" of the opposite sex and you can't do the same with your spouse, then I think there's a problem. A lot depends upon the context. And of course, my own personal rule is that if doing something that hurts my spouse more than it would hurt me to stop doing it, then I'm going to choose the path that causes him the least amount of pain/anxiety.

~ Anne ~

Nothing can come of nothing.
(Shakespeare, King Lear)

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

Bonus Wife's picture

I'm with Anne and Janis

The past is the past....I have no reason to "stay in touch" with old male friends - for what? To rehash summer of '79 and have a few laughs about it? I have my memories. I'd never risk doing anything that makes my hubby feel threatened or jealous or whatever if I can help it. If hubby isn't the one I can turn to for things, I turn to my female sisters...I dont' care if it's right, wrong, or me or DH is labeled insecure, etc. Just doesn't matter. I choose DH's feelings.

OldTimer's picture

I think it also has alot to do with...

the fact that I worked in a predominate male environment, grew up a Tom Boy, and was a marine.... go figure.

Also, my DH is very confident in our relationship. Well, we both are, and he does have some female friends. I'm not the jealous type either, so I think that has a lot to do with it too. To me, it's a psychological thing. I don't have a problem with my DH going to some strip club for a bachelor party, or hell... out with the boys... I encourage it.... (ggrrrr, all the better when he comes home...) (hmmm.... maybe I should send him out tonight?) I just am very confident in that department, and so is he. No reason to question otherwise.

I don't get bent out of shape if he looks at another women, half the time he doesn't even notice that I notice- LOL. I just smile and chuckle. Come on- He's a man! (And well, I'm a women... so hell yeah I notice that sly handsome fox eying me across the room... makes me feel like a woman damn it! lol)

I don't worry about him 'leaving' me, or 'looking elsewhere', even though, yes, we may have a few bumps here and there, but I know that I'm really centered in his world and he is in mine. We both have had our fair share of troubled relationships that we just don't care to repeat.

The other way I look at it is... you CHOSE your partner, you have the ultimate control over that... no one else. If you find it hard to trust in your partner, the one that you chose, then you really aren't being honest with yourself.

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

skye22's picture

This combo has never worked

This combo has never worked for me. In fact I was in a relationship for 3 years when I last tried the 'just friends' thing. I ended up dumping boyfriend and marrying hubby Smiling I think love forms of friendship and you do not need to be 'looking' for more or a whore to fall into it. Just my thoughts Smiling

happy's picture

you have to put yourself in

the other persons shoes.. Would you be happy if an old Girl friend was calling him? Its one thing to run into people you went to school with and talk and stuff. But I know I was not to happy about 2 weeks ago when an ex gf called my husband. Its not that he cheated is gonna cheat its about respecting the other person. I am not saying that you and this man shouldn't talk, what I am saying is turn the tables and really think how you would feel? I will say by reading the end of your post, that there are obviously other issues going on in your marriage. You said you are fed up, and I agree he could have used nicer words to speak to you about this. I mean calling you names and driving to your place of employment is wrong? I would certainly be really pist off if my husband called me any of those names.. Period.. Its also called respect.
Happy

" make sure you tell the people you love most EVERYDAY.. Its important not only for them to know but for you to tell.. Life is to short to be miserable..

Happy

stepmom101's picture

My Comment to Everyones comments on the forum

First, I would have to say that I love my husband with all of my heart and would never put another man before him because I feel that he is my soul mate. I share everything with him so therefore, I feel that he does the same. If I truly thought it would have caused problems it would have never happened. No, I don't talk to the friend from my past daily, weekly, or monthly for that matter. He just found me on the net and said what's up and asked for the number to call and quite honestly we haven't talked since that chat. As far as pouring my heart out, I only do that to two people:my husband, and God. Cheating and the thought of cheating only dwells in the hearts of those who are sincerely cheaters in which I am not. So, long story short I don't feel bad about it and my husband hasn't mentioned it anymore and for those of you who feel that because you are married you can't speak to anyone that you knew from your past that is male because you are married I have this to say to you: WHAT ARE YOU HIDING???????????
Thanks to all of those who could relate and to those who couldn't but all the same thanks for your comments

There is always sunshine at the end of any storm.

Anne 8102's picture

I don't think anyone is hiding anything.

With regard to this:

"and for those of you who feel that because you are married you can't speak to anyone that you knew from your past that is male because you are married I have this to say to you: WHAT ARE YOU HIDING???????????"

It may be a difference of opinion, but I don't think it means anyone is hiding anything. If you are okay with it and your husband is okay with it, then that's all that matters. He wasn't okay with it when you wrote the blog, but if he's okay with it now, then good for you! I'm truly glad you worked it out.

But...

Please don't accuse us of hiding something just because we've chosen to handle this situation differently. It doesn't have to be about cheating. It can be about appearances and respect and being sensitive to a spouse who might be insecure for whatever reason. There doesn't have to be any impropriety involved... if you have a spouse who is a little insecure, maybe from having been burned in the past, for example, then even the appearance of impropriety can cause them uncertainty. We may sometimes make choices out of deference to them BECAUSE WE WANT TO, not because of some unwritten rule about how a marriage is supposed to be conducted.

It could also be that some of us just may have chosen more traditional marriages, marriages in which we just don't have the time, energy, inclination, need or even desire to continue old relationships with members of the opposite (or even same!) sex. That doesn't mean we are hiding anything, for God's sake. It just means that what works for us, what we have chosen for ourselves, is maybe different than what works for you. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that.

If we're talking about high school friends, well, my husband and I went to high school together and have many of the same friends, male and female. I wouldn't be bothered if he talked to an old friend or old co-worker. I don't think he would be bothered if I did the same. Just the same, neither one of us makes any effort to stay in touch with old friends of the opposite sex. It's not a "rule" we have or anything, we've never even discussed it. It's just never been an issue for us. But I do know for a fact that if one of us DID and the other had a problem with it, we certainly would not do it again. Not because it's necessarily wrong, but because conducting a friendship is just not as important to us as maintaining harmony in our marriage.

Just another point of view!

~ Anne ~

We are the masters of our own fate; the architects of our own destiny.

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

my3sons's picture

I agree! My husband has

I agree! My husband has tried staying in touch with his old friends who are girls and I do not like it! By all means I am not insecure and know that he wouldnt do anything but if he wants to talk to a woman he can talk to me!! I am his best friend not some other woman. Same with me I dont go out or have conversations with other guys...small talk with those I work with and its been in front of my hubby and the same visa versa but other than that nothing else.
Its not the point of "hiding" either. Everyone has their own sense of guilt and thats something they have to live with.

stuknaz's picture

I'm with you Anne

YOur last paragraph relates to me and my H. We also went to high school together grew up right around the corner from each other and have the same male/female friends so I especially agree with you when when you wrote

"but because conducting a friendship is just not as important to us as maintaining harmony in our marriage."

"And this too shall pass..."

"And this too shall pass..."

BIOMOM's picture

Boy do I hate defending my comments......

However, just to reiterate:

I put myself in my S.O.'s shoes. Would I like it? My answer remains "No".

Keeping that in mind, I also would not question him running into someone in his past and sitting down, saying hello, catching up and moving on. That's fine.

But, for him to get a phone # and continue correspondence would not be acceptable. And I'm pretty sure he feels the same way.

Note: In all the cases where I have "run into" my past, sat down and caught up..... well, let's just say we had nothing left to talk about after that one conversation.

There is a reason that I chose not to continue that relationship/friendship. My reasons are usually the same after speaking with them again.

Some women, if unhappy, may be flattered by someone "Googling" them, and setting up correspondence. I would not be flattered. But then again, I'm happy!!

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference...

Anonymous's picture

I have to agree with the

I have to agree with the people above who suggested that you put yourself in your spouses shoes. Divorce is rampant in America these days and it often begins with a "friend" of the opposite sex who somehow becomes more than just a friend. Relationships like this may start off innocent enough, but the potential for an affair can grow with time. Whether the affair is physical or emotional, it will certainly damage a marriage.

So, if your spouse isn't happy with it and you wouldn't be happy if the situation was reversed, then why do it?

OldTimer's picture

The number one reason for divorce...

Is communication... not because of affairs. The affairs result because of lack of communication...

Eye-wink StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...

OldTimer Eye-wink
"Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow."

Imustbcrazy's picture

I know myself toooo well

Male friends are not an option. And it is not because I don't trust myself. It is because I am a flirt by nature, and men take it wrong. Even GOOD FRIENDS that are males... I don't realize I am doing it. I don't mean to do it, it just happens and DH hates it, so I chose to give up my male friends. He is worth it to me. None of them were "life long pals" that I just could not live without... I just chose to befriend women now, and for the most part married woman. I just don't seem to have much in common with the single ladies I know. I don't know. Maybe I am whooped. But, it is not worth losing my man over.

Daddys Gurl

It's Better To Have Loved And Lost, Than To Have Spent The Rest Of My Life With THAT PSYCHO!!!!

Mocha2001's picture

My closest friends have

My closest friends have always been guys, but that's cuz I'm not a girly girl. I'd rather watch the ball game than go out shoping. Just me! Anyway, I've always been up front with BFs about my male friends. Then my DH put it into perspective for me. Men are whores! They only think of one thing and how to get it. Men do not befriend women to be FRIENDS! They befriend women in the hopes of someday getting into their pants! Now, I don't agree that, that is what supports long term male-female friendships, but I have to admit ... like Daddy's Girl I am a flirt by nature ... so I'm sure my "guy friendships" started off with other intentions ... but ... my best friend is a guy, yes we used to date, DH not jealous (he trusts me), and I know ... there is nothing sexual between us! I think it's all perspective, and how up front and honest you are with everyone involved.

~ Katrina

~ Katrina

frustratedmom's picture

Same thing

The same thing happened to me- with what happened to you. I got called "b" "whor*", you name it sister! and guess what? Come to find out my ex was cheating on me with a girl at work! so be on the lookout "sometimes" those who accuse are the guilty ones themselves!

As far as what Anne8102 said up above I think she hit it right on the nail.

Lace Lady's picture

It depends on the indivuals involved

Some people are comfortable with opposite-sex friends & some people aren't. I don't think this is the problem, I think the problem is the lack of respect. If he had a problem with it he should have said so honestly & politely from the beginning like a grown ass man... not tell you he's ok with it then throw a fit at your work.

Cajun Lady

money's picture

male friends

what is your wife has a male friend and i feel he likes her but she doesnt think he does. It just maybe the male thinking another male likes my wife. How can i get her to see he likes her????