Step Talk

I would sooner die than have my man cut me off. You all pretty much know MY story, I guess I chased after him WAY too much and then so he felt "pressured."

Sue me for having an abnormally high sex drive. Being a stepparent is stressful enough, dang, shouldn't we have SOME way to let off steam??

Don't mind me, I am just pissy and ready to chew the furniture/climb the walls...Self love just ain't the same, I agree.

I would NEVER EVER withhold sex unless I really had a reason, like, oh, I don't know, so tired I was passing out, bleeding out the eyes, explosive diarrhea, etc.......................................

Fearless

Explosive diarrhea??? (Most definately, definately, definately a turn off!!)

ROFLMAO.

Tootsie

"You gonna skin that smoke wagon, ‘er just stand there and bleed?"

Nope it's not fair to do the whole "cut off" just because your mad or trying to punish the other..I think their are times when choosing to not have sex with your partner is appropriate, such as when their are faithfulness issues, or they are treating you crappy on a regular basis..

My husband for instance doesn't understand that if he is a jerk to me all day I am not "in the mood" for "it" at night..Not because I don't enjoy "it" but just because by that point I am so disgusted with him that I would rather choke his neck, as opposed to the part of his anatomy he was suggesting I choke!! LOL...

However, with holding sex just as a "pay back" is rotten and only asking for trouble in the marriage.

I am with you 100 %. I would never with hold for spite. But exactly, like the other morning. We had a fight the night before went to bed cranky at each other and the next morning he acting like an octopus. All I could think was get your hands off me until we resolve this. Which we did later on that day and the next morning was earth shattering.

Steve, I'm just about fell off my chair laughing with that tree comment you made.

Well first of all, sex is the whole act exspression of how you feel about someone. It is a very emotional thing we all show to our partner.

Now like the above statement... If I am stressed out and its everything I can do to with stand how he is sipping his coffee across the table from me, I aint feeling it for later tonight

With hold sex .. " NO".. I would not, But if we been having disagreements all day or whatever I am not going to pretend I am all turned on for the moment if I am not in the mood.

But this all goes back to rule number one:

Never go to bed mad!

And if your feeling dog tired, Its prolly cause you barked all day!
( hee, hee).

Is it fair to "Hold Out/Cut Off" because You want Your SO to Do something, whether it's minor like cut the grass, or major like Job Hunt Harder? Yes, I am in this position, and it's NOT Contributing to a Happy Holiday...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

I know I'm not a guy, But what is going on with you. Are you being cut off? How long and what did you do?

Sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you don't!

Sorry, Steve, I'm not a guy, but I do have a guy, so I'll respond...

If my husband does something to piss me off or hurt my feelings, then I'm probably not going to feel like doing it. It's not a punishment or anything, it's just a natural reaction to having my feelings hurt or whatever. I don't think sex should be used as a weapon or for leverage to get someone to do something, but I do think that it's reasonable to assume that if your SO/spouse refuses to do something that's very important to you, then you might not feel like putting out.

I'm not talking about cutting the grass or even job-hunting, but something huge that's a hot-button issue with you. Example... let's say you have a SO/spouse who lies to you about money. You ask him/her not to do it anymore, because it erodes the trust and puts you at financial risk. Then they do it again. Well, you probably don't feel like jumping in the sack at that moment, because now you have all sorts of trust and financial matters to resolve and that's kind of a mood-killer. It's not a "punishment" or anything, it's just that you're not likely to feel too intimate towards someone with whom you have trust issues. Follow?

That's my take on it. Now... what on earth did you do?!

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

Thank you soooooooo much ladies......I read this and wanted to cry and defend myself, stating that I am not the evil with holder that he makes me out to be and that there is more to this than he is saying.....BUT I see that I am understood without having to hurt him with the things I want to say.
I feel good knowing that there is understanding and not just bashing me here.
For those of you that are confused by this post....I am Steves SO.

Lisa Dawn

I just don't understand...... I guess.

All I know is that if Tim is in a pissy mood, and it is directed AT me, he wouldn't even dream of trying to have sex! And I for one would not initiate it either.

Now if he's in a pissy mood because of something/someone else. That's different. I can try and make him feel better. But if he refuses, I wouldn't be hurt.

I, myself, have NEVER witheld sex for any reason. I mean, all out rejection, never.

If he were to hint earlier in the day that he would be up for some extra curricular activities later on......and I wasn't feeling up to it, I would just say something funny or cute to discourage him. He would understand.

I always want sex unless I haven't showered for 2 days! Yes, that does happen from time to time........

However, since I always want it, he knows the chances of being shot down are slim to none.

But if I'm in the mood, I'll ask him to come to bed. If he says he's busy and will be in later, I know I'm "going it alone".

I don't consider that witholding though.

Now, I have been in the situation where my exhusband didn't have a job for like FOREVER. I ain't saying your lady feels this way, but I just seemed to lose more and more respect for him. The longer he wasn't interested in getting or having a job, the longer time span between sex. Yes, I did turn him down....A LOT. It always seemed that he wanted to have sex to assure himself that he was still a man. I felt he were less and less of a man because he wasn't working or willing to work.

Steve, this is not any reflection on you or your situation since I don't know the situation. You just brought up something that hit home.

Oh My God! Thank you for reminding me why I am no longer married to that loser! He must have had 24 jobs in the 2 years we were married.
Ugh! Don't miss those days at all!

I do not look for a man to support me financially. But I do not expect to support him financially either!

Janice

Janice,
I don't feel so bad now, I didn't go through that many jobs, even including short term Temp asssignments, I thought changing jobs every 3-6 months was bad, back in the day...of course once upon a time there were jobs to be had, now there are more People looking for work than jobs around here...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

I admit I don't always Understand the Female Psyche, even if I am better at it than Most Guys, especially when I am NOT Directly Involved in the Situation.I am Usually The One Helping Other People Understand/Deal With Problems, so it isn't easy for Me to Admit I can't get a grip on Mine...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

Short story:

I had just had our son, December 18th, 1998. I was at my job 11 years and was enjoying my LAST maternity leave. My first leave was 10 years prior with my first son.

Anyway, I knew I wouldn't be having any more kids since I was...uh....getting a little "older" by then.

I had 8 weeks of leave to look forward to before going back to work. Sometime the end of January, with 4 weeks left of my leave, I was reading the classifieds to see if I could possibly find something part-time in order to stay home more......

Guess what I found in the HELP WANTED? MY HUSBANDS JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was like WTF????????????????????????? So I called his place of employment and asked for him.

This was the receptionists response:

I'm sorry, he no longer works for the company!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I was back at work the following day.

Glad that nightmare is over. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop!

Where did he go all those weeks when he left the house at 5am, presumably going to work?

I don't wanna know!

J

God, grant me the serenity,
To accept the things I cannot change;
The courage to change the things I can;
And the wisdom to know the difference...

OK ladies, this is gonna be a long one, you are all asking what Steve did that pissed me off so bad...well I finally let him have it(My thoughts that is) two days ago so I don't mind opening up to you now. Myabe you can get through to him what I can't convey...he doesn't listen to me at all.
When I met him 3 yrs ago I told him I had basic old fashioned values. The man should work and be head of the household, the woman should stay home and raise the kids.
I knew that was impossible. Especially since I had 7 kids and he only had 1 that didn't live with him. I never wanted a serious relationship let alone expected a man to support me and my kids. I just wanted someone to share some of lifes experiences with me and yet we could maintain our separate lives and hopefully even enhance eachothers life with integrating friends and family and such.
Well Steve seemed to fit that. He had his own home, a car, a job, and a life.
Three months after we started dating, he lost his car, then job, then house, and then moved in with me out of necessity. I didn't want this but didn't want him homeless so I opened me home to him(and his son)BIG MISTAKE!!!!!
I lost me freedom, my closetst friends(his insistance)and most of all my self respect.
He has belittled me, threatened the life of my oldest daughter and two of my friends,told my mother off,verbally and emotionally abused my kids and me,cheated on me more than once, allowed his son and ex to accuse me of abuse and badmouth and mistreat me and my kids, and got physical with me to the point of him being in jail for a week and me needing x-rays.
He seemed to feel he was doing what I asked and coming in and being the head of the household. Only problem here is I didn't ask him, I wasn't too secure in our relationship yet.
Every time it got so extreme that I couldn't stand it anymore I threatened to throw him out and even did a couple of times. I always let him come back thinking we could work things out. He does after all have some good points and some loveable things.
Well the last time I threw him out was almost a year ago and I told him when he came back that one of the main conditions was that he hold a steady job and help to pay for the bills of the house that I bought for 'us' . He had 30 days to do this.
It is almost a year later we arre facing utility shut offs...I can't feed the kids...I can't do necessary vehicle repairs, and I haven't got anything to wear that doesn't have holes or stains to go to work in. I have my kids father take them for all of the vacations and weekends so that they have food to eat and I don't have to hear Steve yelling and the kids crying.I am back on antidepressants, My health is so bad I need to go on social security, and I don't see a reason to keep going anymore.
In all of this Steve has become a 'typical housewife' He sits on his ass in a filthy house bitching about my incompetence as a parent and my horrible brats while he chain smokes and doesn't do a damn thing to improve our lives, not even his own life.
I haven't allowed his son here due to his behavior and Steves tolerance of it. His son now is on two meds and seeing a counselor and his own mother now says she can finally 'tolerate' him. Me and my kids didn't need the additional stress of this troubled child and the fighting between everyone whenever he came over. So now I'm also horrible for denying him his son, because I am protecting my sanity and my kids.
I have no control over any part of my life any more other than sex and my body so as a last resort I have told Steve that if he wants the priviledges of marriage then he has to also take on the responsibilities. I won't give anymolre without getting something in return. He needs to fill the role he is pushing.
Soooo now he has been 'fondling' me while I sleep and I can't even sleep anymore without fear(I am a survivor of incest)
I have no more love for Steve and I no longer see any good in him. I am hoping that his getting a job will give him something to do in life than destroy me. If nothing else he will be able to support himself if/when we split up.
If this was just about a job I would be a very petty immature bitch. I am not that bad. I want what he promised me and not the detruction,mistrust, and hurt that he has delivered.
Otherwise I want it over.
By the way, he started a new job today, last night he wanted sex since he got a job. I still don't feel it but we'll see. I did tell him he was cut off until he AT LEAST got a job. He thinks all I want is for him to work. Oh yeah he also said 'well if I am going to work and put my share of the money into the house then don't expect me to come home at night if I don't feel like it, that's a consequence of forcing me to work' how do you like that shit?
Thanx for being here and listening and if you can make any sense to him God bless you, I give up!
Sorry I rambled.
Lisa Dawn

Oh yeah I forgot to mention that he has been looking up and downloading very offensive porn on line, contacting other women, gotten closer to his ex and even started carrying new pics of her in her wallet? all before he was cutoff by me. HHHMMMM how can I even think of being put of huh?
Lisa Dawn

Because I feel for you both, Steve and Lisa...

Steve, believe me, I understand the feelings of being "cut off." I get angry, resentful, and turn it all inward. I know that feeling of climbing-the-walls desparation. I don't think sex should be used as a weapon and I still don't. Believe me when I say I understand the feelings of anger that being "cut off" brings.

Lisa, I don't feel that you should be "withholding" sex as a punishment for Steve ( you get a job or I won't hump you )...but I can certainly understand why you would, as a last resort of desparation. It's screaming out of your post, and I understand your feelings as well.

I still feel that Sex is not and should not be used as a weapon. If you use it as such it creates NOTHING but resentment and ugly feelings and everybody loses.

That being said, I believe the two of you could benefit from counseling. If you can't afford it, here are some ideas (which may or may not help.)

Steve, if you love Lisa, you've GOT to back up off of her. Stop mentioning sex, I think you're making her feel overwhelmed and backed up against a wall. Detach. This is exactly what I did with my husband, I stopped mentioning it AT ALL. And he came to me here not too long ago. And please, please, STOP messing with her while she's sleeping. To an incest survivor, it feels like she is being violated all over again . I know you love her so much, too much to make her feel like that. I believe that Lisa needs to feel safe in order to want to be intimate with you.
Help her to feel safe by putting her needs ahead of yours at this time. And try not to be hurtful towards her because you are angry.

Lisa, I know your health is deteriorating so please try and take some vitamins and get some exercise to help you. Go to the doctor if you haven't already. I have an idea that you don't get nearly enough exercise or sleep, or even eat properly but you must. You must take care of yourself first and if you need help, ask. Ask Steve to help you. Also, have you been through counseling to help you through your issues as an Incest Survivor? If not, that will help TREMENDOUSLY. Also, if you are done with Steve and this relationship then you must tell Steve directly as not to string either yourself or Steve along because that's not fair to either one of you. You seem like such a sweet, loving, caring girl who is just simply overburdened. Help Steve to help you by perhaps talking TO him rather than AT him. A soft voice works wonders. I think that you love him enough to give him some positive reinforcement like thanking him for getting a job and that you appreciate him for it. Try not to be hurtful towards HIM out of anger.

Steve and Lisa, I really don't know either of you but I feel somewhat like I do, and I care about you both. And I think that you two love each other and want your relationshp to work out, but relationships DO take some work. Hell, they take a LOT of work. I'm no therapist, and I really don't know your situation but I felt like I needed to throw my two cents in, because you're both hurting so badly and I want to help.

Final thoughts:

I think communication is key here. I would again like to stress that I think couples counseling would be beneficial here. Remember, a relationship is not always 50/50 100% of the time, sometimes it's 80/20, sometimes it's 60/40, sometimes it's 95/5. It is unfair to expect ONE person out of the partership to shoulder the entire weight of everything. That's why they call it a part-ner-ship. Because two people are involved.

I hope this post helped both of you...big hugs to you both.

Fearless

One last thing-
Having been there myself it does take a TREMENDOUS pressure away when BOTH people are working unless ONE of the parties has/makes enough money whre the other can stay home. It's been my experience that it creates a lot less resentment and stress with both parties "pull their weight," accordingly, both financially and with household duties as well. Good luck, and I hope it works out for the both of you.

PS
I purposely didn't touch the cheating or abuse issues. Personally either one of those two would be dealbreakers for *me* and bigtime but that seems to be in the past which is why I didn't say anything about it. But you all know how I feel about "toxic" relationships; and I'll leave it at that. I like you both, and want to see you both happy and healthy.

Several things Lisa said Here, but I am NOT Responding, to attempt to Keep the Fragile Peace that has been established since not long after She wrote that last bit of Slander.

I Am Not Perfect, but I am NOT Nearly as Far From It, as has been claimed...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL