Step Talk

Normal. I mean, 6 year olds can be, well, annoying. Especially if she's "daddy's little princess" and he lets her get away with murder because he's parenting by guilt.

Nobody says you have to love her. It's not your child. You might NEVER love her. BUT! If you're going to remain with this man, you DO have to accept her because she ain't going away anytime soon, if you get my drift.

It sounds like you have a LOT of time invested in this relationship but be warned, you're in for a LONG road ahead of you. Think long and hard; if you can't accept his child, if you really don't like her, she'll feel it, hell, she may feel it already.

But you'll wind up resenting her more than you do as she gets older
because that child's needs until she's well into her twenties will come before yours, more than likely. Especially now, when she is small.

Also note, she is a child and doesn't WANT to share her daddy with you.

So if you totally hate it, there is no shame in telling your BF, sorry honey, I love you to death but I can't stand your child and so I have to leave this relationship. He is never going to choose YOU over his child. He might think you're a asshole, but he might appreciate your honesty too.

Now I'm not saying you might not grow to love her eventually too, I was giving you the worst case scenario. It's hard to love a kid that, well, ain't yours. Especially when you don't have any of your own.

She may just be going through a phase and by the time she's seven may be your very best pal and you'll be happy you hung in. I dated a guy before my DH that had two children, the little boy drove me crazy but I absolutely adored the little girl. So it can be done.

Have you talked to your bf about your feelings??? Or is that off limits?? I mean, is the kid a spoiled little shit or is she just a normal annoying six year old?

Long story short, what you feel is normal.

Fearless

I know exactly how you feel. My BF also has a 6yo daughter and try as I might I cannot love her. Sometimes I don't even like her much. We have been together 2 years and I have struggled with this on and off the entire time. I love my BF dearly and wish wholeheartedly it was just the two of us. It's not that the SD is an awful kid. I have terrible resentment towards her, her BM and my BF because the SD is not his biological daughter, but the result of an adulterous affair by the BM during their marriage. My BF didn't discover this until the SD was 2-1/2, which ended the marriage, but he chose to continue being "daddy". You don't know how much I wish he had walked away, which he had every right to do with her not being his bio-kid.

Now we have to pay every day, and for many years to come, having to deal with a nutty BM. Especially now that she is considering filing for child support, which just blows my mind. And the CS is not to support the SD (who we have shared custody with) but to support the extravagant BM lifestyle. I have become enraged over this.

JLD, please feel free to write me privately if you need to express some of these emotions you're experiencing. You are not a monster and I know just how you feel. Sorry I can't offer any constructive advice other than to vent these feelings, which does seem to help.

Take care, Dee

Falling in love with a man doesn't necessarily mean you're going to love his children. There's no switch you can flip. Romantic love doesn't automatically spill over into parental love if your partner has kids. When your situation is complicated by other factors, such as financially crippling CS payments or, a hateful child or a problem BM, then it's that much harder. It's hard sometimes to dredge up any real, tender emotion for the offspring of someone who is trying to ruin your life. It's hard to love a child who isn't affectionate, loving, accepting and lovable. You are not alone, you are not insane, you are not a villain... you are just one of us! (That was meant to make you feel BETTER, not worse, by the way!)

I love my three skids and I have since the first time I met them, but they were very loving and affectionate towards me and the BS with their mom didn't start right away. But there are times when I don't like them very much. There have been LOTS of times that I wish they didn't exist. I also have two bio kids - daughter is 4, son is 9 - and there are times that I don't like THEM very much, either! Believe me, I am watching like a hawk for those companies who are selling tickets to the moon on a space shuttle, because I am SOOOOO getting one for my little girl. One way!

Everything you are feeling is natural. We've all felt that at one time or another. Sometimes it gets better, sometimes it doesn't and sometimes it can get a whole lot worse. How you feel about the child, to me, is a side issue. In a perfect world, we'd all get the right guy in the perfect set of circumstances, but in reality, most of us have to settle for the right (or almost right!) guy in not-so-perfect circumstances. Only you can decide if this is enough for you. If it's not, there's nothing to be ashamed of. It's not an easy life.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

I am new to this but, I understand how you feel JLD.
I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a year and 8 months. I have a daughter from a prior relationship. My boyfriend also has a daughter from a prior relationship.
In the beginning I enjoyed my boyfriend's daughter but, ever since his BM got him falsely arrested and called ACS(anonymously) against me and my boyfriend, I don't feel the same way around the child.
I am nice to the child but, they are times that I tell myself why did I even bother to tell my boyfriend not to give up on his child because, he is a great dad from what I can see.
You know what is even far worse is the fact that now my boyfriend want's to fight for full custody of the child. Honestly, I would prefer he wouldn't and part of me tries to convince him not to but, my boyfriend is adamant about his decision. It is sad but, I even pray at times that the court finds his reason's not valid enough to award him custody of the child and leave's the custody with the mother and him having visitation.
I tell my boyfriend to give his daughter more time to grow up and that hopefully his daughter will become so fed up with her mother's way that she will eventually start to express to the courts she wants to live with him but, my boyfriend refuses to wait because, he say's the longer he waits the longer his child will suffer educationally and emotionally.
So, while I may feel the way I do all I can do is hope that things stay the same but, if they don't I will keep everyone posted. Who know's if my boyfriend does get custody of his child I may have to use this website more frequently.
Jani

I always thought I was the only one that felt this way....I have a daughter who is 5 and my boyfriend has a 4 year old. I cannot stand his son, he has babied him to the point where he only eats Ramen noodles and pancakes and he cries everytime he doesn't get his own way. We are supposed to move in together in a couple months but I told him I will not cater to a picky eater and he is in the process of changing his sons eating habits. Every weekend his son is at my house he cries when I serve him something other than what he'll eat....we both have talked and are starting to go by the same rules and punishment system. I am so glad he is very understanding. And I have told him that his son really gets on my nerves with his crying an whining. I'm lucky to have such an understanding guy that can admit when changes need to be made... Sometimes you have to come out and tell them the way you feel whether they like it or not.

My stepson was turning 6 when I met him and started dating my husband. The only difference is that I thought his son was really sweet, respectful, and just a good kid. I would not have married my husband if I thought that I couldn't live and accept his son, too. After all, he had full custody of him and lived with him full time. No every other weekend breaks. So let me give you a snapshot into your future. I have been married 10 years and each year has become more and more difficult being a stepmom. My SS and I hardly talk anymore and there is a lot of resentment and tension between me and my husband because of it. I'm not saying your future will be just like mine, but if she get's on your nerves now, just imagine what it will be like when she is 13, or worse 16! Can you hear, "you're not my mother!" echoing in your head? I advise open discussions with your boyfriend and possibly family counseling before you decide to live together or get married. I have always wished it was just the two of us also and let me tell you, 10 years later I feel the same way. Just ask yourself if you can live with those feelings for a long time?

"So if you totally hate it, there is no shame in telling your BF, sorry honey, I love you to death but I can't stand your child and so I have to leave this relationship."

Is that even an option? To leave a relationship over a child?

I'm grappling with these issues myself. I have a 6-year-old stepdaughter and the thing is, she really has a great temperament towards me. I am just constantly, constanlty ANNOYED and on edge because of her. EVERYTHING SHE DOES PISSES ME OFF! I think I must just hate kids. She could really hate me, but she loves me and has a great temperament. But still, I don't like how loud she talks, I don't like when she sings, I don't like how she eats. I'm like a stodgy old man! Then I feel guilty, that this is a 6-year-old for crying out loud and I'm a mature adult. Then she rattles of 2 questions at me. Oh- what just pisses me off the most is she's into giving me kisses so she'll pucker up and go "MMMM MMMMM" which means I have to kneel down and have a kiss.

I feel like something is wrong with me. I'm not jealous of anything, of her relationship with her mom etc. I KNOW its not that- its just that she pisses me off for no good reason and I wish she were out of the picture but she never will be!

Does anyone else HATE their stepchild just because they're so GODDAMNED ANNOYING?

Daddy1

I love my BF so much; he truly is my soulmate. BUT I do not love his 6yo daughter. I guess I would say I tolerate her. She can be very sweet at times, but more often than not, she acts like a selfish, spoiled brat. I continue to try to be a good step-parent to her, do things for her and then she pulls one of her many bratty, whiny fits. It's never enough for her.

My BF wants to marry, but I am hesitant. I have no doubts about OUR relationship, but the fact that the SD and the psycho BM will play a significant part in our lives for the next 12 years, minimum, is very scary to me. I just don't know if my feelings towards SD are going to get better or even possibly worse as she gets older and even brattier. She rules the roost at her BM's house all week long and then we get the pleasure of her bossy, selfish behavior on the weekends.

I am possibly in denial over what effect this is going to have on my and BF's relationship. I want so desperately to spend the rest of my life with this man. I just keep putting off the commitment of marriage hoping things will take a turn for the better. *fingers crossed*

Of course thats normal, ok maybe the norm, lol!

The reality is when we fall in love or marry you don't have to love their family, the motherinlaw, children ect. Don't get me wrong, its nice if everyone get along....but thats few and far between in most cases. Things could change with this child and maybe in the future there will be a better relationship, but for now all you have to do is try and get along and cope. Every relationship has compromises so this may be the big one for you. You may need to get a babysitter and spend time with bf to get a break, or if shes a difficult child enroll her in a sport on the weekends she visits. Maybe you can just make some careful planning which will be better for all when shes there.

everyone for the "normal" discussion. I find it a relief to see so many who feel as i do. I have now been living with a woman for two years. She has a just turned 12 year old. He's not 6 but from how he acts you'd often think he was. From what i can tell they don't get less annoying. I find this kid to be terribly annoying and he just turned 12 and it's like some switch went off to go into hyper-annoying mode. In france they call age 12 the "stupid age" - he's been in that stupid acting mode for some time now and now he's aged a little and managed to make it worse with a little bit of 12 year old increased assertiveness and obnoxiousness.

The thing is when i started the relationship with this woman i didn't really really know what i was getting into. From what i can see you'll never be two - you'll always be three. At least for a very very long time. In our case as a threesome i find us to be terribly disfunctional. Unfortunately i love the woman and would feel terrible about leaving her. We are getting to the end of our wits now though. I am angry all the time and just can't seem to stand to be around the kid anymore. My poor GF is torn between the two and understandably has difficulty with my anger. I guess we'll go to counseling - if that doesn't help i don't think we'll last.

Unfortunately also in my case my GF (girlfriend?) spoils her kid but i can't just straighten it out because she often doesn't agree with me on those things. She doesn't have the same philosophy as i do, she doesn't have the same limits - such as what are appropriate table manners. What chores they should do, how well they should obey. You name it, when it comes to parenting we don't see eye to eye.

Anyway i don't know what normal is but it seems it is really common and definitely my case.

Well i'm using your blog to do my own venting. But as to your question as to leaving, i think you only have two choices. One is to leave and the other is to work on the relationship with the girl. She aint going away, she's not going to get much easier until 18 or so (if you're lucky even then), and it'll never be just you and your guy. It's going to always be the three of you.

I'm just adding random thoughts now. The thing i see lacking between me and the child is we have nothing positive between us. Unfortunately i don't see any way of establishing that. If you have any idea of how to do that - sharing some activities together or somehting like that, then maybe you could develop something positive. That might make the rest go better. Any ideas anyone?

Good luck.

Sometimes I wonder myself if things will ever get better. My BF has a 5 year old daughter and we've been dating for about 2 years. We moved in together about 8 months ago and I just recently moved out because of the dynamic within our household. At this point, I am having major problems being around his daughter. I feel like everytime I'm around her I get SO ANNOYED - things that normally wouldn't annoy me. But I feel like I have become hyper-sensative to everything. The littlest thing will bug me and then it's over from there. There is so much tension. I don't want to be annoyed - there are times that the three of us have a great time together, but she can be so sassy and bratty. I don't know how to handle it or what to say. It seems as though I always say the wrong things and then BF gets upset with me. I just want it to be harmonious and relaxed! I feel like we're siblings fighting for "daddy's" attention. She acts completely different when I'm there (not in a positive way) as opposed to if its just her and her dad. I think she feels safe and secure when it's just the two of them, but when I'm thrown in the mix, she feels threatened. I don't know what to do; I just NEED things to change. It's strange because I know that she likes me - she always wants me around, hangs on me (is constantly in my personal space), always says she loves me, is always seeking my attention. But at the same time, I feel like it's negative attention. So, what I'm trying to say is that I completely understand how you feel. And from the sounds this blog, 6 isn't any better than 5. I just keep thinking that it will get better as she gets older and starts to understand that I'm not trying to take her daddy away from her. Who knows?!

This thread has me mortified. I'm not married yet, been in stbh and his daughters life for 3 years and she's only 4 1/2. BM is a TRAINWRECK. I mean the first few months were like nirvana, and then SHE found out he was dating again - then BAM, I am transported as if in nightmare to the set of Jerry F*ing Springer.
I LOVE his daughter. In fact I NEVER saw myself mothering until I met her. HOWEVER...
Every time she comes to visit she looks more and more like a mini BM. She has begun to adopt her mothers mannerisms, bad grammar, verbal and facial expressions. What first seemed like independence turned to impertinence and now plain rudeness. She invokes this behavior even more when she misses her mother and it seems to me she does it sometimes just to irritate me. She walks in the door and it is as though she is channeling her mother.
Could it REALLY get WORSE? I mean the challenges of the next few years were frightening enough - but when I think about 14 years.....
I am going to faint.
I hope that the love continues to grow too. I do not want to live without STBH.

I wish I felt different...I really do, I was thinking I was the only one that felt this way and have terribe guilt aroud it. I am soooo glad I found this site. When I met DH, SD was 5 and we only had contact with her every other weekend because of BM but after we married the tables turned and we got full custody of now 11year old SD for aprox 2.5 years off and on due to BM health issues. We have only been married for 3 years. Now we are one week on and one week off but I dread our week. Before we had custody I could handle every other weekend and looked forward to it most times because DH would want to do things with SD and my kids BUT once we had her full time it went to hell in a handbasket but quick! We have no real relationship its just a show for DH from both of us. She is very spoiled...DH also parents from guilt and it just gets worse and worse. I always have hopes that it will get better but I just get more and more annoyed. AARRRGGG...JLD & Laststraw let me know if you figure anything out!