pat's picture

ex wife is a control freak

Well, never thought life would come to this. My ex-wife is a totall control freak that ruined our marriage. I am divorce with two young children that lives with her. I call to talk to them and she always wants me to ask for them. Before , she would just give them the phone, now she wants to control me. She signs up the kids for activities on the little time I spend with them. I don't have anymore money to spend on lawyers because of a nasty divorce she put me though. Now my new girlfriend wants nothing to do with her. She totally disrespects my girlfriend and my girlfriend never said anything to the kids to disrespect her. She asked for the divorce, so why does she not want to leave me alone? All I want is to speak to my kids and see them every other weekend. All this drama and garbage. Can anyone help ???

pat's picture

Please help

Please help

Silver's picture

Pat, I hate that you are

Pat, I hate that you are going through this. How old are the children? Could you get them a phone so you can call them directly?

As for the gf and ex, I'd keep them as far apart as possible. I wish my BF had shielded me a little bit more from the Sloth.

She probably won't leave you alone because unfortunately, some women have the mentality that if they won't have the person, neither will anyone else. BF's ex wife was the same way for a long time.

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

edited because my spelling had gone to shit.

pat's picture

Silver, the girls are 7 and

Silver, the girls are 7 and 10 .My ex would never allow them to get a cell.She wanted to give them a cell to spy on me. They would call her to check in and give her updates of what we were doing. Like using them as a spy. It is very sad that it makes me sad to see them like this. I use to go to support groups for this. It never seems to stop.

pat's picture

When I call to speak to the

When I call to speak to the kids , I hang up because I don't want to talk to her. Then , she started blowing up my email. So, I deleted that, Then I had to block my text . All I want is to talk to my kids , period !

TheWife's picture

Well, sorry you are going

Well, sorry you are going thru this.

As far as the activities go, can you just refuse to take them?

Do you ever stand up to your ex-wife? Do you defend GF to her?

I have found that, for the most part, she doesn't want to leave you alone because she is jealous that you may be happy with someone else.

I know these are alot of questions, but we need some insight:

Does BM date? How long have you been divorced? What caused the divorce?

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

—

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

pat's picture

I have only been divorced

I have only been divorced for 2 months. I do stand up to my ex-wife, but , she just plays the I don't care face. I was only a pay check. If I refuse to take them to thier game, does that make me a bad parent ?

TheWife's picture

It may suck for a little

It may suck for a little while, but she has to understand you only get them, what, 4 days a month?

You are not the bad parent. Has she ever been willing to compromise with you, like maybe give you alternate visitation days, or say, limiting the amount of activities she signs them up for?

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

—

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

pat's picture

She does not care . She is a

She does not care . She is a narsisist. I dont know if I spelled that right. She does not care who , or what she does !

GiGi222's picture

Welcome Pat. I'm sorry that

Welcome Pat. I'm sorry that you exwife is that way towards you. You will find that many of us have spouses or significant others that go through the same drama with their ex.
If I were you, though, I would make sure that my Court Order is as specific as possible, with regards to phone calls and visits. Have specific times where you can call and specific hours that you have to pick them up. I would also not bring them to any activities on your time, considering that your have less time with them than she does, obviously.
Just because she doesn't want to be with you, doesn't necessarily mean that she wants to see you happy with someone else, either. It sucks but its the reality of many of the situations that you will see on here.
Good Luck and keep us updated Smiling

pat's picture

Thank you Gi Gi , But what

Thank you Gi Gi ,

But what if the kids miss games and practice? Then she will turn them on me. This stinks.

TheWife's picture

What more can she do to you?

What more can she do to you? She has already divorced you, you owe her nothing at this point.

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

—

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

pat's picture

All I want is to talk and

All I want is to talk and see my kids. I pay her child support and she makes good money . After child support , I am left this week with $38.00 . Sad

TheWife's picture

Whhaaaat? 38? How is that

Whhaaaat? 38? How is that even possible??

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

—

____________________________________________________________________

"If it sounds like I think I am better than you, it's because I do."

pat's picture

yes, I am on commision. So

yes, I am on commision. So the courts averaged out the three years in sales, but this year has been in the dumps. I pay $229 per week and my base salery is $300.After taxes , I am left with $38.00.

DISbelief's picture

Oh Pat... I wish I had a

Oh Pat... I wish I had a magic answer for you. Is the custody paper work already complete and legal? Can you request more time with them still? And maybe have it included that extra activities are to be scheduled on HER time, and if it conflicts, you get to take them on a different day? This just isn't fair. I am so sorry.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Eye-wink

—

DIS-

pat's picture

Custody paperwork is already

Custody paperwork is already done. The parenting agreement is totall bs. If she does not go by it, then I have to take her back to court. I don't have money or time for this bs. Life is so unfair and she is hurting those kids .

DISbelief's picture

It is completely unfair. I

It is completely unfair. I am sorry Sad

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~ Eye-wink

—

DIS-

pat's picture

I agree, I am so stressed

I agree, I am so stressed out over this. I love my little girls, but, can't be sad all my new life over this.

Snowflake's picture

MY Dh's ex tried to pull

MY Dh's ex tried to pull this same crap. To control his visitation. At first it was that he had the kids all of the time... because she thought that I wouldn't like being a step-mom. But no prob... took care of the kids. Then it was that she wanted him to take care of the kids at her apt. While she worked night. So he did it.

I did have a problem with it... But instead of getting mad I went with it. Then he told her, no that he wasn't going to not spend time with me because she didn't want them to come over to the house.

And well she then pulled visitation all together. Well her kids would cry to see daddy. I told him that she would eventually get tired of playing full time mom, and then paying for babysitters everytime she wanted a break or needed to work.

So we just started living our lives. And she would see us out and having fun, while she was at home with the kids. One day we were on our way out when they passed us in the car. Well she called us because her son was crying for his dad. He just told her that we were on our way out and that she was they one who pulled visitation. What was he supposed to do about it?

And then over Christmas she took the kids out of state for a month... to visit an older man that does not have kids. Well when they came back after a day of traveling the kids were screaming that they wanted to see daddy, but it was really late at night. DH, could here his kids screaming in the background, they were tired and whiny. BM was tired and jsut wanted to get rid of them after a long day of travel.

DH calmly told her that it was late and that he would see them tommororow, if she wanted them too, but tonight they should probably get some sleep. She was pissed and told him that they hadn't seen him in a month, and they really wanted to see him. He told her that the next day they would be well rested, but at that late at night they were just going to be tired from an entire day of extensive traveling.

He was no longer her whipping boy, and I think it was at that moment that she realized that she could no longer use the kids against him. The kids are not weapons, they are not pawns for her little game playing.

Don't let your ex-wife use your kids against you. Perhaps you need to completely disengage from her, so she can't hurt you anymore, or hurt your kids in the process.

pat's picture

I don't see or talk to the

I don't see or talk to the kids for days, sometimes weeks because of her game playing. Rather one is sick, or she does not give them the phone to talk to me. I see the police and courts getting involved that I am trying to avoid. So sad people waste their time and energy with this.

Snowflake's picture

My therapist says that the

My therapist says that the one who leaves is the person who feels like they can still control the other spouse because they never really get closure. They are often left with feelings of unresolved anger. They don't understand when the ex moves on, and finds happiness with someone else. That is when the fire often get even more fueled.

The person who is left has closure. The are often forced to move on because they have no choice but to move on. The door is slammed in their face. They are often times forces to pick up the pieces of their shattered life.

And how does a person best do this? By moving on, and this means disengaging from the controlling spouse.

This is what happened to my DH. His troll of an ex would tell him what to do, and he was so used to doing it, that he would do it. Until I came along and he disengaged from her. She then would fly off the handle, and call and berate him. To which through therapy, he learned it was okay to simply not answer her calls or to simply walk away or hang up. Well she has learned that she has no control over his life, and that he doesn't care to engage her.

She still tries get him mad, but he really doesn't care about her, because he know now that she is just a mean and vicious, vindictive person who does not have his best interest at heart, but will always only try to hurt him.

pat's picture

I wish she would try to get

I wish she would try to get someone new in her life and stop trying to focus on me anymore. Sad