grangecupcake's picture

How do you make your husband discipline his children?

How do you make your husband discipline his children? I have a wonderful nice husband who will sort of discipline 2 of his children but his middle daughter who is 16 now can do whatever she wants in our home. I have been with him for 8 years now and nothing changes. All of his children used to live with us but the stress of the middle child was too much for everyone to stand so she now lives with her mother. The children used to fight really really badly because of my husband's blantant favoritism of his middle daughter. My rules in the house are simple. No eating in the living room, leave the thermostats alone, no leaning back on the kitchen chairs, no throwing things in the house. She does these things several times every day she is in our home. I feel like she knows she is in control of our household, and that she throws it in my face that daddy will never back me up and do anything to her. We pay child support for her, no one pays us anything for the son that lives here. The oldest is now out on her own. I am the one who pays for the medical insurance on all his children. But if the bm and stepdad don't have enough money to pay for something for her, daddy will somehow come through for her no matter what. I have always felt that I am in direct competition with my stepdaughter for my husbands loyalty, affection etc. She wins no matter what. I love my husband, he is a wonderful man but he has created a monster. If he would have only done something with her in the beginning this would not be a continual issue in our marriage. I get angry with his daughter for disrespecting me and take it out on him because he doesn't care enough about me to change her behavior. His children have never had consequences for their actions. I beg and plead that I want to be elsewhere when she is here because I don't like dealing with this all the time. He gets so angry when I suggest this -- I think he really doesn't want to spend time alone with his children either. When his children are here he is outside doing his thing and I am stuck in the house dealing with her disrespect. Any suggestions you can give me? Please help!


jen1028's picture

Overcompensating

I recently suggested to both my husband, and later to my mom in conversation, that as a step child, people give her more things and treat her diffently because they think she has a hard life. I would suggest not doing that... it didn't go over well... I was, yet again, the bad person. Even though it is so obvious that she is treated very differently just because her mom is difficult.

I think this particular issue is what was the deciding factor to not have biological kids of my own. There would always be this division of him and his daughter versus me and our kids.

What I do try, is to make sure that my husband agrees with the rules in the first place. He can't question them later then. And then, I tend to not leave the daily issues of discipline to him. I just take care of it. For punishments, I stick with minor things like taking away things that she enjoys. It is my house too, I shouldn't have to put up with it... it is for my own sanity.

The bigger issues, I do leave to my husband... which unfortunately doesn't always go well.

Not too much help, I am afraid... good luck to you!

Anne 8102's picture

Hit him with a big stick.

And if that doesn't work, then do it yourself. Communicate the rules, communicate the punishment for not following the rules and then make it happen. Period. Hubby can either step up and do it himself or step back and let you take over, but either way, find out what this child treasures the most and then TAKE IT AWAY if she doesn't behave. He's creating a monster. Actually, he's creating two... a disrespectful child and an irate wife!

Another thing, you don't "beg" for anything! If you want to be elsewhere during her visits, then go! You are his partner, not his property... YOU get to decide your fate. If he doesn't like that, then it's up to him to fix it.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

ღஐ anne|8102 ஐღ

grangecupcake's picture

Thanks

I actually printed off one of the forums about teenage stepchildren and had him read it last night. He kept sympathized with a the stepfather, when he got to my posted comment he said, uh oh, did you write this? I think he may have finally gotten my point after reading so many people's problems with the same thing, and I think he might have finally seen how I feel! Let's hope for the best. Now will be the challenge to see if he will follow through but at least he may not see it as me just being mean and attacking him becuase he daughter is uncontrollable. Well it's off to work I go!!

Jacqui2307's picture

Time Alone

I am married to a wonderful man, he has got two kids from a previous marriage that stays with us. I was told that we will never have kids of our own, because it's too difficult for his kids. I have accepted that now, but they are naughty and doesn't listen. How do I get him to send them away for a while so we can spend some quality time together. I am really craving that, he is 15 years older than me, and everytime I suggest we go away alone ... the issue of the kids arrise. I am on the point to tell him that i want a divorce. We were married for a month and got dumped with the kids, she pays nothing towards them, I on the other hand pays half of everything. How do I get my husband to realize that I need time alone with him, maybe over weekends, let them go and sleep out or get a nanny? I can't talk to him about it as he gets really angry. All I want is alone time with him ... where we don't have to worry that the kids will come into the bedroom, like they do .... they just do not listen. We bought the house we live in together, they keep on telling me I must just remember it is their daddy's house ... what can I do before its too late?

Endora's picture

Step Parenting – you might

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

Step Parenting – you might need to step back before you step in something!

ohlawddd's picture

F**k that!

Ain't no kids gonna come into my house and disrespect me or my husband! I don't care what the issue is! Rules rules rules and order order. You may not like me but you will respect me. This is a two way street, so you must be the wife that he needs support him. Always be the one to maintain peace in your home. If you want time with your husband, ALONE! Then you plan it get the sitters make it a day or weekend for you and him..... as much as I can't stand my ss I do plan dates for him and his father so that they can do there thing....

john100's picture

I work. I pay half of ALL

I work. I pay half of ALL F50-521 of the bills. I have some money, my problem is the debt I incurred after meeting DH. I know its my own damn fault for trying to be generous, I am f'd now. I need to find a real cheap place so I can pay off 640-721 my debt, then I can move into a better place that may cost more. Thats my problem. I haven't told any family or 642-262 friends, I want to move before I do, that way my decision can't be swayed 642-359 like it has in the past. I fear I might have to tell someone soon because I need to get out of here, lol.

PeanutButter's picture

Wish I knew the answer, so

Wish I knew the answer, so far no luck... My DH also thinks his children are angels and refuses to discipline them. Where the ceck would he start? they don't even know how to chew with their mouths closed or sit at the table, put a dish in the sink, garbage in the trash, cover their mouths when they cough, wash their hands, etc. There's no hope when the oldest is 14 and doesn't even know what it means to sit with her legs shut because nobody took the time to teach her how to be a lady! The truth is, they dont want to do anything about it because it's easier not to!

karla marie's picture

I know the feeling! I have a

I know the feeling! I have a constant overwhelming urge to do the same! I'm on the verge of Valium!!!

karla marie's picture

At this point in my life i'm

At this point in my life i'm not even certain who is running my house! What kind of crap is that? I have a 13yr. old stepson who thinks he can do whatever he wants, whenever he wants, because he never has any consequences for his actions! He never does anything he's told because he knows his daddy wont say anything to him about anything! It's to the point that my husband spends more time explaining himself to his son than he does to his wife! At times i think he is married to his son, not to me! He even explains why, when and where he spends his money to that boy. I have never seen a grown man explain so much to a child in my life! I feel like this kid is in control of my house and i cant handle that! He is in the middle of everything that goes on in this house! Nothing is discussed in private.... EVER!!!! I cant have one single conversation with my husband alone and every time he is told anything he ALWAYS has a smart remark or something to say!! What do yall suggest that i do? I am on the verge of filing for a divorce and that is really not what i want i just can't handle this kid any longer! I am DESPERATELY SEEKING ADVICE! Can ANYONE help me?

alwaysanxious's picture

I'm not sure if this will

I'm not sure if this will help you. SO wouldn't discipline or lay out rules for his kids while in our home. I disengaged from SD completely (ignored her while she visited). I didn't do any activities with SO and skids. If she is disrespecting you, then that needs to be remedied quickly.

When she is there, no interaction. You need to find something else to do. Be busy make plans. DH can deal with her only. If he isn't going to support you and make her listen while you are there then he is alone in that mission with her. He can clean up after her, feed her and everything else she needs.

I guarantee ignoring her and treating her neutral will piss her off. Negative attention from you still feeds her needs. She still enjoys it.

In my case, it upset SD enough for me to be like that towards and and it upset SO to the point where he started taking me seriously.

If you aren't being treated as someone who pays the bills then don't treat them like they are even there. I was scarce the whole weeknd skids came, for two months. That was enough to get to SO.

FInally, it came down to parent or we need to split. He's parenting.

"There's no need to interact with me. I'm just here to observe."

I do my own thing because I have, check this out, a life." -tskarbow