Step Talk

I kinda understand my youngest just turned 6 and he tells my fiance' that he loves him sometimes out of the blue and Fiance' doesn't really know what to say because his daughter isn't like that to be honest I don't think they tell one another nearly enough but his family is like that also. So it is difficult as for the 12 yr old give her time my Bs is almost 11 and I don't dare tell him I love you or hug and kiss him unless he wants it he comes to me if I do it then he say s oh mom don't do that and heavan forbidd I touch him in public the world might end hahaha I think it is a phase they all go through

I have a situation that is kinda but not similar. When my stepchildren come to visit we tuck them in as well as my son who lives with us into bed. I have a difficult time showing affection to his kids.
I am okay with a hug or a peck on the cheek but am uncomfortable with kissing on the mouth and telling them I love them. To clairfy , they are not affectionate with me , except at bedtime or upon their return home to mom's on Sundays.
I ask myself why I feel uncomfortable and I think the answer is that I do care for them but just don't feel maternal love. I have been with their dad for over six years but have never felt that " special feeling" that it seems so many other step parents on this site do. My husband says it is me not his kids that have made it akward. However they don't call me Mom, will rarely address me without their Dad in the room, have never given me a card a picture or anything else kids make for parents .

Does anyone else understand or have the same feelings or am I just an evil stepmom?

We are a very effectonate family- hugs and kisses all the time. My SS gets just as many from me as my girls do and vice versa with my girls and DH- They are all very young though 3,3 and 5. So, this is all they know. I can't really relate with SMOF3 because mine are so young and we have been together since two of them were under the age of 1. I would say do what the kids are comfortable with. As for the SS that waivers- I would even ask him at night. A simple "you want me to tuck you in?" and if he says no, so be it, no harm no foul. What do you think? Could that be an option?

I have known the kids since they were 3,4 and 6 . I had big expectations for being a large happy family. However when we decided to marry bio mom turned evil. She was great when we were dating sharing the kids ect: Once we married everything changed and I would have to say that is when the kids started growing more withdrawn from me. I do know that she forbids them to ever address me as mom.

But I can't blame everyone else, part of it is my fault too guess I just can't find that lovin feeling.

Seems to come and go with every blended family. And those that have it 100% of the time should count themselves lucky! I know in my heart that I am a mom to my ss... he has his nickname for me... I can only hope that he continues to have opinions of his own (which he does MOST of the time, but it is obvious when the evil BM has filled his little head). I guess good luck to all of us.

Steve- What does your wife say about the effection topic?

I'm gonna blame the laptop, because it's most likely to be Guilty, been acting stupid lately...

I am going to answer several questions, ask some, and make a few comments,in order,so This will be a multi-part post,...

Proud Mom,
The only kids that Tell Me they Love Me regularly, are Our 2 youngest (step)daughters, (8&9) and Our 10 yr old (Bio)son. The girls when I tuck them in, and occasionally out of the blue, but usually when They want something, Typical Female Behavior...LOL

Our Oldest (Step)Daughter (17), has actually said it a few times, but I can
Understand why, She has a lot of the issues ,I very seldom Told My (Step)Dad that I Loved Him, as a teenager either...

Our 15 Yr old (Step) Daughter has said it more often than Her older sister, but She and I actually got along pretty well since I first met the kids...

Our 12 yr old (Step)Daughter, I don't remember ever saying it, except maybe twice,
and that was at very stressed and Emotional times...

Our 13 yr old (Step)Son, I Don't remember EVER saying it, even when He and I were getting along best...but I Don't mind too much, as Long as He Knows I Love Him, and will be Here, it will come or not.
I was His age when My Mother married Dad, so I can sympathize with the whole puberty compounded by New Steps thing...
( Dad, and two Brothers,in the house,one I shared a room with, and My Oldest (Step)Brother and (Step Sister) who were on their own, plus all 7 of Dad's Sisters, 1 Brother,& Mother, and My StepSibs Grandfather and His Wife, who lived right down the block...

Pretty much all the kids get weird at Me, or even Their Mother, if We are Affectionate in public...but it's SOOOO MUCH FUN making them turn red (Blushing)... You Know You Do It Too ...LOL

Smof3,

I have always been a very physically affectionate person,but I have been stuck the same way, when My kids friends looked hurt when I didn't say goodnight/tuck them in, the same as Ours, and even with a couple of Ours, at various points.
The ones that are really hard are the freinds of Our Teen Daughters, that call Us Mom and Steve,or Dad, like Our Own do...I wouldn't mind, but Lisa is a bit Paranoid, and so am I, to be honest...I knew a guy(20) that went up for 8-15 behind a freind of the underage chick He was dating(15,or 16), that He never touched, He Hated Her...which is why She did it...Jealousy...
Your Kids are little yet, pretty soon They will start to develop more Indepenence, and Choose Whether to call You Mom,or not,etc. If You are Honest about showing Them You Care, eventually the Bond Will Probably Strengthen and You will not only be able to say, but Feel Love for Them. It isn't an overnight thing, it may even take years, just ask My Dad, He and I were years developing the Closeness We had.
Especially if there have been Issues with Their Mother, talking trash on You, etc. They will be at least as unsure and Wary as You are...

This is WAY off topic, but I just have to ask, are You by any chance an SF Fan? I read a book called Fallen Angels, that had a lot of True Fandom as part of the storyline, and there was a running joke that one of the Guys was a SMOF(Secret Master Of Fandom), I have met a few Fan's, and always wanted to go to at least one Con, but never quite made it...

Daddysgirl,
I have been making it a game between Us, He tries to make it to the front foyer door, before I say it, Usually in a smartassed sarcastic tone...I don't actually "Tuck In" the Older kids, just tell them Goodnight as They head upstairs, and Give the Girls a Hug and kiss on the cheek or forehead, if They come to say Good Night.
I hate to say it, but I don't know of many Bio-Families where there is 100% Love all the time, let's face it, Kids Will get mad at Us, when They get Disciplined, and not want to be Affectionate, etc. and We will have moments or even days where We are So Hurt, Dissapointed, or outright Pissed at things They Do or Say, that We won't Feel Much Like Showing Much,If ANY, Affection for Them...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

I do it to make him as red as I can. As a matter of fact I went and gave him a biggg hug last night at an open house at his school he was going home with his dad for the weekend and I won't see him til Monday. But I love to see him get all red faced and he starts giggling
Hahahahahaha the hugging mom strikes again

Out of my four bio girls ages 11,18,22,24 they are all huggers but the 18 year old. she will hug everyone including the creepy old man at the park (not really but i added that to show how she hugs everyone) but she doesnt like me to hug her. If we do hug its a distance hug and she pats my back like i have cooties.
My youngest is a affection monster. I tell all the girls Ilove them and they all say they love me back. They all have a different name for me...oldest I am mom, to the 22 year old I am still mommy, to the 18 year old i am mommykins and to my little one I am momma. For osme reason it has always been that way. My new children to be (I so love them all) all hug and will let me smooch them. They cry when I leave to come back home, their dad is very affectionate with but bio is not unless someone is watching. His older children (from a different previous wife)ages 12 girl, 19 boy, 23 boy and 30 girl are a little different...I can hug the stuffins out of the 12 year old and she always tells me she loves me too, the boys its just "hey hows it going"...no hugs but his oldest, she and I can hug and we both say love you. I am so blessed that God gifted my life with these children and the relationship we have. I know we will always have a rough spot here or there but no matter what they will always know I love them. My philosophy is whether they want to hear it or not I always need to say I love because I may not get another chance and should something happen I know they knew, I mean really knew I loved them.
I want to add that you really sound like a great dad!

a little weird here lately, and I really needed the grins and reassurance. I guess all any of can do is "Soldier On" as best We can and enjoy the Good Times when We can...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL

hello i am a step dad of 3 and i try to make them happy their mom has been married 2 times before and they have treated the kids like crap. i just want to show them what is like to have a dad but it seems that everytime i show them more love i always get hurt .their ages of the kids are 16,15,10 the 10 year old is the 0ne i have most problems with he tries to fight with me all the time . i don't fight back but i am the one that my wife says is in a attitude or she gets mad at me if i even say that he is fighting with me . i just don't know what to do. does anyone have any answers?

The carpets and drapes need cleaning, but otherwise it looks pretty homey.....

Kevin

I started it not long after I first joined the Group, and I am NOT a cleanfreak, if I can find the sink, the tv, and the shower, it's clean enough for Me...

Anonymous,

I know the feeling, only too well. I have always differentiated between "Fatherhood" which is a biological fact, and "Dadhood" which is purely emotional. My Dad is My stepfather, and I have "adopted" My freinds Dads,a few times, that I consider sibs, because We are that close, as well as SO's Parents, that I was close with.

The best advice I can offer is just to let it be, when and if the kid sees You Honestly Care, he may or may not accept it. He's all screwed up in his head anyway, with Pre/Pubescent Hormonal shifts anyway. I have been dealing with it with My BioSon, who's 11, now for a year and a half. I went throgh it with My Dad at the same age, and it wan't easy for either of Us, let alone the rest of the family. Don't allow the day to day hassles to make You bitter...

Good Luck and I hope it helps...

Steve

Kids are the Best and Worst Things We can do to Ourselves. When We have nothing else worth living for, We'll go on, for Them, but Oh How We Miss Our Freedom...LOL