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Watching stepkids all day while husband works

rubia's picture

What do you think of this?

My stepkids are at our house every weekend or every other weekend. They come Friday night and leave Sunday night.

My husband works all day on Saturdays and I watch the kids all day.

He has his own business, so he makes his own hours. We need the money badly and I understand that when you have your own business you have to work a lot, but do you think it's wrong of me to insist that he work less when the kids are here?

Normally, he might come home around 9pm. I asked him tonight to come home earlier, like 6pm. He said he would, then said 7/7:30. Now it's 8:15 and he's still not home. Then, when he gets home, he'll need to take a shower, eat, etc. and then the kids will be in bed.

Why should the kids come here just to be with me for the whole day?

AlexandraL's picture

I agree with Snowflake. They're coming to visit him, but he's not there. Maybe you two could take them more at other times to make up the time?

rubia's picture

He works 6 days a week until 9pm. They live with their mom 3 hours away the rest of the time (she moved, not us).

andy_pandy's picture

Can he work from home? I know that makes no sense if he's a plumber or mechanic or something, but if he does computer work can he do it at home at least that way he's there?
Can he leave earlier in the day and then get home earlier?

rubia's picture

No, he has a landscaping business, so he definitely can't workk from home!

I've asked him to leave earlier in the morning so he can come home earlier, but he won't.

I don't even mind watching the kids. I love kids and don't mind taking care of them, but I am only human. 12 plus hours with them by myself is just TOOOO much! He finally came home at 9, and then went right back out to take his son somehwere.

I'm even willing to take care of them until maybe 7:30 by myself...I think that's pretty dam reasonable! But 9:15, come on??

I think I should be helping him with his kids, not me doing everything and then begging hime to help me just a little. Seems a little backwards to me. Am I wrong?

andy_pandy's picture

How the heck is he still landscaping at 9:30, it's well and truely dark by then anyway!!

Snowflake's picture

Actually I have to agree... I am so sorry to say, but something is not adding up. He is refusing to go to work earlier. Coming home later. ANd with landscaping, you want to be out of the customers home by the time they get home, because of the noise factor.

He isn't wanting to spend time with kids and 6 days a week... Sounds like he may be TRYING to keep you busy with them, therefor why would he want to change the schedule with BM.

Been there!!!

Wicked.Step.Monster's picture

You know Steperg, I think you just hate kids in general. I LOVE my Skids. I would have 3 of them at a time here on weekends and their dad might get called out to work and would be gone ALL DAY LONG, sometimes even all night. I love my DH and when I married him I knew he had 3 children that he wanted me to help him take care of and if keeping them while he worked is what I need to do to help him, then I was going to do it. You obviously have no children of your own.

Ryleysmama's picture

at wicked.step.monster---wow kinda harsh and judgemental dont ya thing? Personally I think she is being very fair watching her skids like that and if it is too much then its too much and something needs to change. I went thru this also, if he's not going to be there to even spend HALF the day w/his children then they shouldn't be there. You are not a live in babysitter whether he likes it or not. Either he needs to make time for his children or they don't come until he can.

I love this sight and the ppl on it but could definetly do w/o some on their high horses. Not everyone can be as perfect as you!

MarriedwithChild's picture

Rubia~ I UNDERSTAND you here, but am not sure if you will get to read this posting or not- It is Sunday now here for me and I TOO am having to watch SS5 because my DH works 5 days a week, with only 2 off (of course.)
DH spends Fridays, Saturdays and Sunday night with ss5 but if we EVER want just one day together (alone) he takes one day off with ss5, one with me.
I'm not thrilled about it either- trust me there.
I agree that if they insist (mostly this is BM's master plan...take every weekend from us-
Not for long though- we might as well have him the whole week, not 4 days as it takes two days for me to adjust ss5 not being here (not to mention the drama in between) so it makes zero difference to me.

You are correct though . Can you get a sitter? We are strapped and can't afford it right now. I want my one day with DH so I do it for now, every frikin Sunday.

Tell him how you feel and see what he says. It is always your choice- NOT your kid.

Best,
MWC

confused and tired's picture

I don't think it is your responsibility to watch his kids but my fiancee seems to think that its my responsability to watch his kids when he is at work too. They think you are supose to enjoy the time with them and not mind. To me it's like babysitting but the dads see it as you should enjoy it like its you own child.

glynne's picture

They are his kids - you're the step. The time they spend at your home should be time spent with their father. I did spend time alone with my SD when she was younger and I did look after her when BM and DH asked me to - but it was the exception - not the rule. Plus he is missing out on being a father.
Glynne

Thetis's picture

I have to wonder if it makes a difference to these men whether or not they came from a nuclear or blended family.

My Dh who comes from a nuclear family, did the same thing to me but took it another step. I was wholy responsible for anything to do with Sd except play with her. I think he expected this because that is what he saw growing up. Since it is what I saw as well, I jumped in head first and tried my hardest. Then a month later I was dreading the visits. We had some huge fights and it took an outsider pointing out that Sd wasn't really with her dad at all, for him to step up and be a parent.
Try talking to Dh when you are not upset about it. It may help.

youngstepmom84's picture

I'm so glad I found this website. I have been feeling this way for a long time now and I thought it was all my fault. I was feeling super guilty for developing feelings of resentment toward my SS11. I dreaded his being around me, I still kinda do. I just had a talk with my boyfriend about it last night and I tried to explain what I was feeling. Of course everything I said sounded so mean and childish. I did not convey my message clear enough because I was in the mentality that I was wrong. I was starting to slip into a depression because I was feeling too guilty about not liking my SS. The feeling of discomfort intensified when SS was out of school for 3 weeks and BM didn't want to help the whole time he was on break, apparently she had no money and had to work constantly. Anyway, I was left to watch him all day and night because I only work when school is in session. I had no problem, just the fact that I was never asked if I would watch him. BM would call him and text him saying she loved him and missed him, but she never wanted to pick him up. She did a few times, but would drop him off again with me after a few hours because "they had nothing to do".
I guess I just felt that I was being taken advantage by BM and my boyfriend. I started thinking they were in on it together and laughing at me behind my back at what a sucker I had become.
Now my boyfriend said he would start picking up SS from school and that BM was going to help as well. Now my only SS duty is to drop him off at school in the morning.
It took me telling my boyfriend as straight out as possible that I felt like SS was my son and he and BM were just there to help me out occassionally with him. I think that changed his view of the huge role I was playing and the stress and responsibility I was living everyday.
I will keep you posted to see if this new change he promised is upheld and what the outcome will be. (this is the first day of the "change")
Wish me luck.

wynelle's picture

I deal with the same issue, my boyfriend works overtime nearly every single weekend. Seriously long days where he is gone before we even wake in the morning and does not return until dinner time. It is not the overtime that bothers me as I realize that we are the sole spenders/caregivers of his child and our lifestyle does cost money that needs to be made somehow, it was the initial expectation that I had nothing else to do with my weekends but watch his child.

My SS's BM is not interested in spending time with him and most certainly never on a precious weekend, so it is up to me to make sure that everything is taken care of on the weekends and ensure that the very entitled only child does not die of boredom as he has been very close to many times as I am constantly reminded. At first this was fine as we were bonding and needed the one on one time to make that happen without distraction, but now that we are fully comfortable with one another I did not appreciate the expectation that I will simply be around and available to be the mom every weekend. I love my SS to bits and the working is a choice that is made by my boyfriend, thus realizing that he was making this decision to go to work, I also made a decision to be unavailable to watch over his son on the weekends without being appropriately asked first. If I was not asked in advance what my plans may/may not be I would be too busy, weather it was something simple as "no I am headed out for lunch with friends" or simply going window shopping alone, assuming that I had nothing else to do and was going to be there was something that I did not want to become the norm.

My SS is fantastic and I do adore spending time alone with him and look forward to it most days, my weekend availability is basically endless when approached and asked in advance if I would be willing/able to look after him as there is very few other people in his life who are willing to do it or get excited about it. But it is the consideration of asking ahead of time (Im not talking Friday night either) was most important to me as I do not have kids of my own and did not want to be viewed as an instant mom, Once he had to scramble a few times (which any single dad without the convenience of having a GF at home would have to do) to make arrangements when deciding to work on the weekend & to make up for his assumptions that I would be available he now makes sure that there is a respect and an request instead of an assumption.

Ssamantha's picture

The last time I watched my fiance's children on the weekend, I took them to the movies, bought them snacks, and bought them lunch where they wanted. Did they even say thank you once? Nope. But this their Dad bought the youngest one a freakin pretzel from Auntie Anne's and the boy was practically falling over himself saying thank you to his Dad. But that's how things are....they never acknowledge anything I do.

Given that their mom has left them and we have them fulltime, I know I will have to watch them when he is scheduled to work on the weekends but I'm not looking forward to it and I've learned my lesson. I won't be spending a dime on them.

@wynelle - At least you enjoy spending time with him. It could be worse.

nosupport's picture

I'm in the same situation. We have the kids every Friday to Sunday. This was not a problem because DH used to work regular hours and I would see him every day, so it was fine for the kids to come over and stay all weekend. He was around to take care of them and I had my time with him the rest of the week.

But he started driving long haul and is away from home for 13 to 14 days at a time and is home for only a day and a half. I basically see him three times a month. On top of that, I work 12 hours shifts and the times he is home, I don't see him for most of the day. Despite our changing schedules, his ex expects us to keep taking the kids every weekend. This usually means I pick them up and take care of them because I'm home and he's on the road. Even when I'm working on the weekend, I have them. It's been hard. I've had to ask my mom to babysit on those weekends and they are not even her biological grandchildren. DH and the ex seem to think I have nothing to do and that my family are always available to help me. I have not had a free weekend in 4 months. I have not seen my friends or had time for myself. I feel very neglected and taken advantage of.

I love my stepkids. They're amazing kids, but I need a break. I work long hours and don't have any weekends off. I'm taking care of the house while DH is gone and when he comes home, I see him for an hour or two and then he goes and gets his kids. We have no "husband and wife" time together. Then he's gone again and I'm left cleaning up after them. It's becoming very draining on me and I am 17 weeks pregnant, too, but no one seems to care or treat me any different. I've started crying a lot and I feel bad that my unborn child has to feel my stress.

I've suggested to DH that his ex take the kids on the weekends that I'm working, so my poor mom doesn't have to babysit, but he is not too eager to ask her for anything because of her history of making our lives difficult. She hates having to compromise, but I don't understand why she doesn't want more time with her own kids. They are in school all day and go to bed at 8:30. That leaves so much free time for her and she gets weekends off... I just don't understand it. He says the more time they spend with me, the better it is for them because I'm a good role model and their mom is not... but if they are with me all the time, then I feel like we shouldn't be paying her support...

I don't know... I feel so exhausted and "stuck". DH is not around to take care of me thru this pregnancy and he has done nothing to make things easier for me. He thinks about keeping his ex happy before thinking about me and my needs. I think he thinks I'll always be there and I won't mind. I'm never consulted about when she wants us to keep the kids longer and he always agrees, even when it means cutting into our time together before he leaves on his next trip.

Need advice.... I am tired of feeling frustrated.

uncommon's picture

Ironically, it used to really bother ME when XH would leave DD with his GF while he worked. I don't know if it bothered her, but I think it did because eventually in the summer he put her in day camp instead of leaving her home (GF didn't work).

I always thought "he wanted the time he has with her so badly and now he isn't even spending it with her" so I think you are right that your husband should be spending that time with his kids - his time is already limited, he should want to make the most of it.

lucybee825's picture

Tough situation. I agree, though, let the kids or at least one of them go to work with him sometimes and he really has to bend a bit on the schedule if you are not happy with it. You aren't a bad person for not wanting to watch his kids all the time. Let me ask you when he does come home or is home does he spend enough time with you and the kids? Is he affectionate with all of you? Possibly you are not liking watching the children so much because you feel he is neglecting you?

I have a similar but opposite situation, actually. I have watched my BF's children (boy 8, girl 6) while he works just so that he can spend more time with them. I don't have much of a problem with it. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to do it ALL the time or too much because they are VERY demanding and a lot of work (I have a 9 yr. old son too BTW). My BF actually gets jealous that I'm with his kids and he's working! He feels like he is missing out and it really upsets him. I've offered to watch his kids many times so that he can see them more. Right now he sees them every other weekend but constantly complains he wants to see them more and misses them. His ex will let him take the kids anytime he wants, but his work schedule won't allow it. He works two jobs from 6 am - 8 or 9 pm w/the second job just to pay child support.

I'm happy to watch his kids, even though sometimes it's rough, if it helps him and he appreciates it. What upsets me is that he doesn't seem to like it and then at times when he has his kids (most of the time, lately) he completely ignores me and doesn't seem to want me around. I honestly think he feels guilty paying the slightest bit of attention to me when the kids are here.

I would definately talk with your husband about this. Be gentle though and make sure he doesn't read into it that you don't like or want his kids around. It seems to me that divorced Dad's are always concerned about this. I'd maybe start the conversation positively (men hate the 'we have to talk' thing) and say, "I really like it when...." and then talk about something you do together or when you have the kids that you like, something that will put him at ease and make him think of happy times. Then gently work your way into it. "I love having your kids here and I really enjoy the family time we spend together. Is there anyway that we can work on having more family time or that we can get you more quality time with your children? Have you considered taking them to work with you or one of them?" or "I think maybe the kids would benefit from a day camp" or "maybe the kids would enjoy going with auntie (if there is one or another family member) once in a while on a Saturday?" Another option for you might be to see if you can bring in a teenager inexpensively to help you with the kids on Saturdays? Maybe figure out what he needs or what might be keeping him at work. Ask him what would make him happy to start out the conversation and maybe you can help him change the situaiton for the better!

As for me, I've laid off of offering to watch my BF's kids. He knows I'm here if he needs me, but I don't ask/offer or suggest it. My final words with him on the matter were, it's been four years now, you have been divorced and doing this every other weekend thing. You either have to accept it for what it is and be happy with the quality not quantity of time you get with your kids or you have to find a way to change it, but don't complain about it endlessly and do nothing about it. I noticed he's been getting out of work an hour earlier once in a while and picking up the kids during the week, and once in a while he will pick up one or both of them on Sat. or Sun. during our 'no kids' weekends. Still, though, it doesn't seem to be enough to make him happy. I don't think it would ever be enough, honestly, unless they lived with us full time and only saw their Mom like one weekend per month. He says he misses his "family" not his ex or their marriage but coming home to his kids every night and having them live with him. I sympathize with that but there isn't really anything I can do about it. I'm hoping over the summer we'll be able to have the kids more, say even for a couple weeks, and that will make him happier with the situation. I just hope and pray that before that time he can learn to more fairly distribute his time and affection between ALL of us.

flwrpdlz's picture

Wow!! I'm so glad I found a place where I can relate to other people about how I'm feeling! My BF just got custody of his son about 4 months ago, and up until then we just had him every other weekend. I noticed that the weekends we did have him, my BF would try to avoid being around his son by being busy with his WOW game, or signing up to go into work, and putting the responsibility of him on me. Now that he does have custody, he doesn't do anything with him at all, and neither does my SS mother. What's sad is that I'm the only one who pays attention to him and takes care of him, but I'm starting to feel a little resentment, not only towards him but towards his parents as well. Half of me just wants to pack my crap and go, but the other half of me just can't stand to see that little boy with no one to depend on. HELP!!

sooodifficult's picture

Oh honey. It's very sweet of you, but remember that you have no authority over the child, so you shouldn't make your BF's kid your responsibility. And really, do you want to be with a man who ignores his own child to play a stupid game?

jojo2984's picture

I too feel very resentful towards fiance, he was granted full custody of his 3 children 5 years ago and I have full custody of my 3 children and we have 1 child together....I feel like I am a single mother to 7 children everyday all day.He works full time and volunteers in our community..I also work but I work from home..It seems that if I leave him home with children while I run to the store my cell rings constantly...I can't remeber the last time I did anything by myself- even just showering. I don't know how to get him to understand my feelings or to see that I need a break . I feel like he is just taking me for granted and there are many days I just want to run away and make him deal with it all on his own,,,

alwaysanxious's picture

I think everyone here has said more or less what I would say. Its really not fair to you. I completely understand. If he's not home, then why have them and why have you be responsible for them the entire day so that he can take them out at 9 when he gets home?

im_trying_my_best's picture

SCREW THAT! I wont even watch his kid while he works in the evening, if the kid comes here for some of the summer. NO WAY! im not getting paid to watch him, and he isnt my kid to cook for ext. so nope, no way. thats super nice of you to do it in the first place. i wouldnt. if he cant spend time with them, they need to stay home