herewegoagain's picture

I am physically & mentally worn out...

I so feel I am reaching the end of my rope...the stress of dealing with all that comes from marrying some w/an ex & kid is too much...My son has sufferred...I have sufferred and here I am now without anyone to ever take my son just one day to give me a break...I hate my in-laws and yet I am forced to live with them because of all the damage they caused us financially by being buddies with the ex...my mom & I don't always get along, but at least when I really needed her I knew someone could help me out...I have nobody right now except my DH...and although I know he tries, so much damage has been done that no matter how hard he tries it's not enough...I worry sick that my son doesn't have someone close who truly cares about him...we had little choice financially because DH claimed that his boss gave him a warning on his job & if he lost his job the mess with child support would never allow us to be in peace...and yet his boss gave him a 99.2% review...did he lie to bring me back here? Did he tell the truth? Was his need to have fun at work outweigh our son's well being? But at the end of the day our financial instability has been because of the ex, his preggo kid & all that I married...without knowing what a nightmare this would be? I am sick...I get dizzy at night...I don't know if it's the stress or something physically wrong...and what will happen if I get sick when I have no support around me...not for me, but my son...a part of me says "get out...run...move with your son & be closer to your family" and yet I know my son loves his dad & how can I do that to him? I am just worn out...and I had to let it out...thx for listening...I can't tell my family/sister because I don't want them to worry...


Silver's picture

I just wanted to send hugs

I just wanted to send hugs your way. I don't really have advice for you and for that I'm sorry. I sincerely hope things get better.

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

Milomom's picture

Herewegoagain, I'm sorry

Herewegoagain, I'm sorry that you're feeling this way - you don't deserve it. My first piece of immediate advice: BREATHE!! Take 3 deep breaths in & out - try to feel your frustration, anger & desperation exit your body with each deep breath.

I feel that once you can think with a clear head, you'll be able to focus on your major problems and start to find answers to those problems. One step at a time, herewego...one problem at a time. Sit down and make a list of all of your frustrations/issues. Then on the other side of the page, note whether or not YOU can CONTROL any of those things.

Sounds to me like you're feeling worn out because you don't get the help that you need - whether its babysitting for your kid, or maybe it's the day to day things (i.e. housework, laundry, etc...). I don't know if I'm off base here, but maybe some of that is due to your feeling "isolated" because you're in another country, or you're far away from your own family (not sure of your whole background).

Most of the time, the problems that you're having ARE WITHIN YOUR CONTROL. Examples of these problems would be: taking on DH's responsibilities trying to co-parent SD15 (from afar) when he should be doing so himself; doing all of the housework when DH could be helping you/sharing the work, etc....

On the other hand, when it comes to SD15, I can only suggest COMPLETELY & TOTALLY DISENGAGING from everything having to do with her (this assumes, of course, you've tried other methods & none are working). Especially if she really is preggo. Do NOT feel any guilt about it, either. Your DH needs to seriously step up to the plate and deal with HIS shortcomings as a father and the consequences that HE is being dealt with this horrible situation. His LACK OF PARENTING is a DIRECT, MAJOR CONTRIBUTING FACTOR to her being pregnant. He COULD have been a better father, spent more time teaching her morals, values, etc...but he instead chose to bury his head in the sand - and THIS is the result of his actions.

I'm sure that disengaging is completely against who you are as a person. But you have to preserve yourself & your sanity (not to mention, your marriage, especially for the sake of your biochild).

How old is your biochild? You had him with DH, right? I'm not one to advocate divorce, but in your situation, it seems that DH is using you as a doormat just to please BM & SD15 - and you should seriously consider leaving, especially if DH is leaving you no other reasonable alternative. You deserve to be happy. You are probably frustrated because DH should be doing MORE to ensure things like this (preggo SD15) aren't happening - like trying to get full custody of SD15 even though you're in a different country...but he isn't. He seems complacent and it seems like his complacency is driving you bananas. If DH truly cared about CHANGING this situation - and being a POSITIVE force in his daughter's life, he'd GO TO THE END OF THE EARTH to do so. Is it possible that he go to where SD15 & BM live (Texas, I think?) and just find out FOR HIMSELF exactly what's going on with this whole mess?? Instead of just relying on Facebook/Myspace entries, etc....? If that were MY child (I don't have any biokids of my own yet, so just my opinion), I'd book the next flight to their town and get a HANDLE on all of this...pronto. If he doesn't do SOMETHING, he has no right to "complain" about what results come of all of this. Either way, not your kid, not your problem (unless something is directly affecting YOU or your marriage).

I hope that I'm helping and not completely off-base here. Let me know. Write back or PM me. We are ALL HERE FOR YOU, herewego!! We are routing for you - don't let your life become a twisted pretzel of unhappiness - it isn't worth it. You need to take back control of the things you can control...and let go of the things that aren't in your control (DH's situation with preggo SD15). Support DH in whatever way you can for him to be aggressive in getting to the bottom of this whole SD15 mess...but other than that, let HIM figure it out (he was part of creating the problem in the first place).

I send hugs your way and remember the old Milomom mantra: "YOU WILL ONLY BE TREATED THE WAY YOU ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE TREATED." Good luck & I wish you all the best. We are here if you need to vent, advice - so stay in touch and let us know what's going on.

Selkie's picture

Oh Herewegoagain. I have no

Oh Herewegoagain. I have no advice. I just want to let you know that my heart is with you. This too shall pass.

herewegoagain's picture

Thank you all for

Thank you all for listening...it was a very tough day...and it's been getting tougher as the days go by...

I am really reading through this and analyzing it...thank you Milomom for your advice...I like the idea about the list...working on that...

Milomom's picture

Awww herewegoagain, you're

Awww herewegoagain, you're VERY welcome!! Keep in touch & let us know how things play out (especially with preggo SD15). Good luck!!

I'm going to make my OWN list now...and take my OWN advice. Smiling

usade's picture

I'm sending hugs and

I'm sending hugs and positive thoughts your way! I hope things get better for you.