I am new to this but I need to vent and to find out what I can do to solve the problem. The problem is my fiance's ex wife! He has been divorced almost a year. The divorce took a year and a half to get finalized. We have been dating almost 2 1/2 years. We started dating after he had already filed for divorce... We live together with his child and have a very happy home.
He has joint custody... he pays no child support as his ex is an attorney same as he is. We pay for everything when she is with us and they split any extra curricular activities. He has the child every Wed, Thurs & Fri and the first and third weekends... this year we have the 5th weekend as well... they rotate every year for the fifth weekend.
Anyway, on his days it never ends, she harrasses for something.. either it is that we have too many days, doesn't like my parenting skills, doesn't like the child's clothes... it could be anything but she yells and screams in front of the child... usually directed to me but sometime the BF. Now this is only on our days. She will have outbursts in front of the child's soccer games, at our front door anywhere that I am stanging. I have been tempted to stop going to the soccer games because I do not want to be harrassed or have her cause a scence. She usually covers it up by lying and blaming me. The last time was that I refused to let the BM give the child a coke before the soccer game... she screamed YOUR NOT HER MOTHER and HOW DARE YOU!!! Of course, this was in front of the child... I hurried her over to where the other girls on her soccer team was and told her to go sit there. She tried to sit by me and HAVE A TALK but I told her that I didn't want to talk to her and move over to be with the BF... he told me to just stand here and then of course, she moves over to the other side of him and proceeds to call me every name in the book in front of the coach and the other girls on the soccer team. She also pours her coke down BF's pants and when I tell him that she is pouring her coke down his pants she hurries away... then comes back and tells him that she didn't do it.
What I want to know is if there is a way that I can get a restraining order of some type. I had told her that I was thinking of getting one and she says that I will not be able to get one because when they interview her that she will lie. She said that she will do whatever it takes to make sure that I will not be able to get one. She is an attorney so I believed her but she is not a divorce or a family court attorney so do not know if she knows what she is talking about.
I used to think that the stereotype of ex-wives was fabricated... they couldn't be like they say... but boy was I wrong. Now, don't get me wrong she adores her child. Probably too much, I think that she is either obsessed with the child or she is trying to drive a wedge between my boyfriend and myself. Maybe wanting to get back together again... when we told the child that we were planning on getting married and that I wanted her to be my Maid of Honor... she was very excited... wanted to know what she had to do and what she would wear... well, she ended up telling her mommy and her mommy started to cry and tells her if that happens there is no way mommy and daddy will ever get back together again and if that is what she wants. She still wants us to get married but worried for her mother all the time...
What can I do?
I would cut and run. The
I would cut and run. The child is suffering. Your boyfriend needs to finish raising this little girl. Stay away from the soccer games and away from this whole scene.
Two things...
1. First of all, how do you know that the comment above is from a "bm lurking". I repeat as many times before, MOST biomoms do not care about their ex's lives...to think so is just not true. So you may be over thinking the bm's intentions.
2. How do you know that the bm made those comments to the daughter? Most children do have hopes that their parents get back together...studies support this....every child wants to have a traditional family with mom and dad and no add-ons. Step families are an adult creation that kids live with.
If you love this man and want a life with him, the ex will always be a part of your life....like it or not. Is this something that you can live with? You can't control, fix it or get rid of this fact...you just have to learn to adjust to it.
Not only that...
but please, please, really make sure you understand what you are getting into. You will need to develop a very thick skin, loony is right. I'm sorry for this Anon's comments, that was a very cruel thing to say. I wish bm's like this would realize that this is just someone else (you) that will love their child. I wish you the very best!!
Hugs,
Fearless
Don't
put yourselves in situations where this bm will be. By all means you and your bf should stop going to the games. Do other things with sd where the bm will not be. Holidays, parties, ect. have your own celebrations. Kids love that because often they get 2 parties, so its done all the time. Having the child in your life doesn't mean bm is also a part of that. You could pick neutral places for the pick up and drop offs or do what we did, park in front of the house and call the child when you arrive. Again no contact with bm. We rarely talked to bm and she gave up after a period of time. My advice would be to send her a certified letter from your lawyer (what we did), notifying that we didn't wish to have any further contact with her. Also, state in there if there are any physical or verbal altercations (soda/pants thing) then you will be pursuing further legal action. This worked for us and scared the pants off bm, also she would call us from her job harassing us. I finally called her boss since she was on his time, and he put a stop to that. But I only did that after telling her many times if she didn't stop I would be forced to do that. So, for us that was the solution and worked quite well.
I am new to this site can't
I am new to this site can't remember my password, that is why the annonymous post. Had I read another post like yours, I would have answered the same way.
I am not a vindictive person. I have raised children and have been around children professionally for many years. I just truly feel that kids should be raised without drama. I lived my own advice and my grown children are thriving. (All productive, happy college grads.)
I really do feel that single parents should probably remain single until the kids are up and out. It would eliminate a lot of pain for the children. This business of living with someone with young kids in the house is a horrific thing to me. No wonder kids are having problems. The parent's love life should be placed on the back burner until the child is grown. Dating is fine if kept discreet and new lovers not brought to the house.
I feel sorry for the next generation when common sense values are discouraged and attacked!
I hope God guides you in your decisions. Good luck.
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People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of the future.
I am both a biomom & an
I am both a biomom & an every other week mom. I have no children in the home. My stepson gets all the loving attention from his father and kindness from me BECAUSE THEIR IS NO DRAMA HERE. I waited for my children to be up and out before I remarried and paid sole and complete attention to them while they were growing up. I met my new husband when he was 6 years out of divorce. His X was not remarried either, nor dating so it helped the older two be stable. (he has a 14, 21, 25 year old). We did not live together before marriage so we could be good role models to our kids. If I saw that this marriage would have hurt the child I WOULDN'T HAVE MARRIED HIS FATHER.
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