I watched either a TV show or movie in the past day or so. I think it was like CSI: Miami or something like that.
There was a bio mom. When she was asked where her child was she responded, "I gave his father custody. You may think I'm a bad mother, but I'm just a mother that deals in reality. And the reality was, my child was far better off with his father."
Anyone?
It was sad. This woman knew that giving her child to their Dad deemed her a bad mother. Yet she was the best mother a child could hope for. A mother who took into consideration her child's welfare rather than what society deems "correct".
If only more parents (specifically Mom's) could only be made to feel more accepted in making that decision, instead of being labled "a bad mother", more children would be so much better off. I had a friend that certainly did not have the means, finances, nor the strength to raise her 4 children. Yet she was so scared of wearing that dreaded "I GAVE MY CHILDREN AWAY" sign on her forehead........ she took on the responsibility she could not handle. And the children suffered. As did she. Because she eventually wore that "BAD MOTHER" label anyway, because she could not raise them properly, working 3 jobs to support them. She was not keeping her girls because of spite or revenge against the ex or his wife, but out of fear of "what people would say". It was a shame. She spent so much time worrying about those people, those people ended up talking trash about her anyway.
Anyhoo, anyone see the show/movie. She was in an interrogation room, crying. Long blonde hair? Anyone?
Janice
No, I missed it
but I enjoy that show. I kind of feel like we have the problems we have because Dh feels the same way: He is a father who takes into consideration his child's welfare rather than what our system deems "fair" for both parents.
All my DH thinks about is what the kids want...and for him that means, not taking the kid away from their mom on holidays, etc...But for me that means his new family is chopped liver? Know what I mean?
Thanks for your post cause I was trying to see where hubby's thinking has been coming from all this time..and that was my answer!!
Sorry, I can't comment about the show. :>(
Thats me...
I am not the "custodian" of my son. I had my son when I was 16-years-old. The short of it is simple... I was not a sufficent care-taker of my son and I knew it. CPS did not investigate me... my son was not 'Taken Away' by the courts.... I am not a bad person...
I did what was best for my son at that time and that was for him to live with his dad.
I have my son approximately 40% of the time and we share "legal custody".
Nonethless as soon as anyone learns that I am not the "custodian" of my son, the immediate reaction is "oh my God, what did you do".
I'm sure you can imagine how my husband's ex tried to twist that one in court!!
We were very blessed to have a well spoken attorney whom also does extensive Guardian Ad Litem work and pointed out to the court almost exactly what you stated Bio Mom (in regards to the unfortunate labling that exists when a mom is not "custodian"). Why is is that a man is not labled a bad father or looked at strangely when he does not have "custody" of his children?
It is unfortunate... and I knew when I signed over "custody" that I would forever be defending myself.... explaining myself.... and proving myself time and time again. BUT, do I regret doing what was best for my son? Absolutely not... in fact if I were the same person today that I was at 16, I would do it all again right now.
Simple, Men aren't Good Enough Parents...
Ask almost any Woman, or the lousy Family Court in Erie County, NY.
Now I Don't believe that most Men aren't at least as capable of raising kids as Women,in general, and better than several I know, personally.
When I split with My Ex, I Filed for Full Custody of Ryan,Hoping for 50/50 Split (if I was Lucky) and The Judge (may that hag ROT IN HELL) looked at Me like I was Nuts, and treated My Honest Heartfelt Petition, as if I was doing it for mere spite. At The Time, and repeatedly since, there were and have been Issues that PROVED I was and WOULD BE Better able to Provide My Son, a Stable, SAFE Environment.
Hell, it was so stupid, My Ex stood in the Courtroom, during the umpteenth appearance, and told the judge that one weekend day a month was RIDICULOUS, I Had ALWAYS been there for Ryan,and Deserved Better than that.
I know it had to kill You to do it, but You did what was best for the boy.
I Personally Admire Your Courage and Conviction, I just wish My Ex would have had the sense to do the same, for Ryan's sake.
Steve
Simple, Men aren't Good Enough Parents...
Ask almost any Woman, or the lousy Family Court in Erie County, NY.
When I split with My Ex, I Filed for Full Custody of Ryan,Hoping for 50/50 Split (if I was Lucky) and The Judge (may that hag ROT IN HELL) looked at Me like I was Nuts, and treated My Honest Heartfelt Petition, as if I was doing it for mere spite. At The Time, and repeatedly since, there were and have been Issues that PROVED I was and WOULD BE Better able to Provide My Son, a Stable, SAFE Environment.
Hell, it was so stupid, My Ex stood in the Courtroom, during the umpteenth appearance, and told the judge that one weekend day a month was RIDICULOUS, I Had ALWAYS been there for Ryan,and Deserved Better than that.
I know it had to kill You to do it, but You did what was best for the boy.
I Personally Admire Your Courage and Conviction.
Steve
As we see, time after time,
As we see, time after time, a mother winning custody over father, just because she is the mother is not always in the best interest of anyone but the mother. But where do her true interests lie? Is she there, fighting, to save face? Or because she truly believes she is the better parent. Honestly, its a shame that we go thru divorces, which are hard enough on our children. But then the powers that be wave their judicial gavels and make/allow the parents to then get pitted against each other to fight for custody. Mom wins most times. But hopefully, with the outcome of juvenile/child abuse and neglect and the underage drinking and crime sprees, someone, somewhere, may get the notion that Mommy isn't always dearest. How many custody cases are really investigated? Both parents come to court armed with accusations, some paperwork proving unfit parenting, letters written by best friends citing referrals leaning towards whomever they are the best friend of, and possibly a police report of an isolated incident. Or worse yet, ask the child!!!
My ex was going to wage war on the custody thing. You know what he was told? Unless she (me) is prostituting, a drug addict, or physically abusing the child, he didn't have a shot in hell. Can you imagine? What if I didn't beat my child, prostitute myself and didn't use drugs? Would it really have been okay even though I brought a convicted child molester in to live with us? If I did armed robberies on the weekend to put food on the table? What if I made my son go to the street corner with a tin can to beg for money? God forbid! Yet, I wasn't selling myself or doing crack, so hey! I must be the better parent. Makes me sick. And what about the mentally unfit bioparent that suffers from depression and does nothing to enhance the life of their child? Scary thoughts, I tell ya.
My fiancee has 2 extremely close friends that he works with. We live in NJ and fiancee works in PA. Both his co-workers live in PA and have full, 100%, dead to rights custody of their children. Rightfully so. Both biomom's are non-exsistent. I just wonder if they "won" these children in a custody battle? Or did the Mom's do the right thing and give custody to the Dad's because it was best? And are they non-exsistent because of shame?
Nina: I too commend you for your choices. While it is not always easy to do what is best and right for the child, the repercussions of fighting for them for the sake of what other's think would be devestating. Your child appreciates/will appreciate it. I only wish that your decision marked the end of a longstanding judgement against those Mother's who do the right thing! The percentage of time one spends with their children does not dictate the 100% love you have for him, and it never will. Regardless of whether he is with you or with his Dad, he is loved by both, all the time. That is really what matters.
Janice
"The truth hurts but the b*llshit kills"
You bring up some good points, biomom!
But often mothers have their children primarily because they are the main care provider BEFORE the divorce as well. I know what you are saying biomom and I also don't believe that you are trying to say that dads are best or vice versa. I work in both nursing and teaching and most mothers are very good (by whoever's standards you are evaluating by...wouldn't likely be the stepmother's if there is one). Just read through most of these posts...who does most of the child care when the kids are in their father's home...THE STEPMOTHER'S. So why is a child better off being primarily cared for a step parent than their own parent....makes no sense and NO....biomoms are not all nuts or stupid or crack heads, etc....give your heads a shake!
My husband has primary custody of his children and so do I. Why...two reasons...the other parent didn't want custody and his ex wasn't awarded it by the judge. They both have great job, both good parenting but one relocates a lot for her work and the judge deemed that not in the best interest of the kids. Never every situation is unfair, unjust, crazy...only when we are looking at situations through our own very narrow lens.
I can tell you that if you get your mind off the ex....don't think about her, talk about her ,etc. your life will be very different. We almost divorced and now are very happy parents of 5 young adults who put us through hell but are very supportive of us, now their adolscent selfishness wore off. We have a very promising relationsp, excellent incomes, freedom to travel...so life will change if you make difference choices in how to be. Good luck
Not like CSI at all.....
but I kid you not when I say that this EXACT conversation was had on Desperate Housewives this past week. Until you said she was in an interrogation room, I really thought that's the show you were talking about. Edie (long blond hair
) was picking up her son after her neighbor Carlos had watched him the previous night. She had gone out drinking and the kid was playing in the street at night, so Carlos took him in and refused to hand him over that night while Edie was drunk. The next morning she said the same thing about how she had given custody to his father because she was a realist, and knew that he was better off with his Dad. And that people, including Carlos, might think that made her a bad mother, but the reality was that she wanted to do what was best for the kid.
Very good topic Janice
OH!!!! SOSMOMOF6!!!!!!! THAT'S IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Kiss, kiss, hug, hug!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was Desperate Housewives!!! I would have given her a high five had she been in front of me. Was it when she picked him up? Definately that is what show it was. I thought it was a serious show with a few humors thrown in. CSI: Miami is just that for me. I started off TRYING to watch reruns of Miami and could not stand the cheesy way Horatio acts. Now I watch the show just for his cheesiness! Love it.....
Horatio: Whaddaya got Alex?
Alex: Oh Horatio, poor baby got a lot.
Alex speaking to corpse: You sweetie, what were ya all doin' to get your self here?
Alex to Horatio: Her larnyx was crushed Horatio. That's why no one heard her scream......*sigh*
Horatio: *as he removes his sunglasses and turns to face the sun*
Well, Alex, we just did......
LOL!
Anyway, Nicolette Sheridan's scene in Desperate was so heartaching......
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!
Hugs,
Janice
Geez
I am the youngest of six. Both my parents were alcoholics. When I was 4 years old, I watched as my Mother tried to hang herself. My Father gave her a one way ticket out of the house. My Granny came to live with us. She took care of us while Dad worked 2 full time jobs.
For many many years I hated my Mother. How can any Mother choose drinking over her own children. It wasn't until I was well into adult hood that I saw that she probably did do the best thing for us.
Trust me, this is a touchy subject for us six kids. We have never all agreed on who was right, who was wrong, who was the better parent.
oh my
My parents divorced when I was 10 my father signed all parental rights over to my mom, he only seen me when it was convenient for him. As I got older the vists became less and less. It has now been 6yrs since I seen him. He doesn't know me or my kids. Does this make him a bad father??? I look at it in 2 different ways he chose his alcohol over his children and grandsons but I also see it as a blessing because I don't need that kind of person around my kids.
No problem Janice! :)
I admit DH (Desperate Houswives that is...lol) is my guilty pleasure. I couldn't really get into CSI either, the dialogue struck me as cheesey too
. Yes, the scene was when she came to pick up the kid the next morning, after Carlos told her to sleep it off and sober up.
I do feel bad that some parents battle addictions...I know it's probably easy to say "Then don't start in the first place", but we all make mistakes. Once an addiction takes hold, it's a powerful thing, essentially changing the person that you knew. They are not themselves. I feel that any alcoholic or addict who has a moment of clarity and realizes that if they have this monkey on their back, they can't be an effective parent~ then it is a good thing not to expose the kids to that behavior. Hopefully then they would get the help they need.
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