Do you think it would be easier if your hubby/bf had the child on his own? In other words, if this child was not a constant reminder that your S.O. had a life before you?
Do you think the child would be more lovable and you would accept him/her more had your husband had his sperm injected into an anonymous egg donor.
My reason for asking is that sometimes I get feeling that stepmoms who go on to have subsequent children with their husband feel that "THEIR" children are more tolerable. That they cannot get AS close to a child that they only see on a part time basis. And I wonder if it is a mother's wishful thinking that her husband would be closer to their children as opposed to the child(ren) he had before she came along?
And do you believe that if the child was not partly raised by "her", they would be more acceptable? That if hubby raised that child alone the child would somehow not have the biomom's influence/characteristics. Therefore not a reminder to you that your husband loved/married/slept with someone before you. Is it really because biomom is that hateful? She projected that hateful behavior into her child? Or do you just hate biomom, therefore cannot connect with the child she bore with your man. Look, I don't care if they were married 21 years or he knocked her up on a one night stand. She was there first. And some women cannot handle the fact that another woman gave their S.O. their first born child/experience and love of his life?
Meaning the first born child.......
Question here. Not an ACCUSATION. Honest questioning.
J
Good questions!
I think that with all people and environments it is different, BUT, I think that step children are not hard to love because they are from someone else, it's that they are harder to accept sometimes because someone else has a hand in raising them. All of those things that your spouse "hated" about his ex are sometimes present in their child. And sometimes those things are even more apparent to us because we see what hurts our spouse. We love them (the child), but to tolerate them hurting our spouse is hard to put up with.
Any mother who thinks that their bio kids together will
mean more to her husband is definately delusional. If she asks him he will probably agree with her just not to cause controversy. No additional child will hold the same meaning as your firstborn. You can love them all equally, and dislike one or more for certain things at certain times but the feelings when your firstborn is brought into this world will never be duplicated. To think that a father would be closer to the child he lives with than the first he created is pure hogwash. And the women who think that need to go somewhere for a reality check.
Hogwild
Actually I think each
Actually I think each situation is different. I know for a fact that my husband feels a much stronger bond with his SECOND born son than his first. He has told me this and although he has a great relationship with both children and the differences he hides well, deep down the feelings are not the same. It makes perfect sense to me why spending everyday with one child and only seeing another 20 % of the year would off throw the balance of parent/child relationships.
To be honest I think favoritism happens in EVERY family. I think that "who" becomes the favorite has less to do with birth order and more to do with personalitly types and how they 'mesh'. Ask any person who was mom or dads favorite child in the family and you'll get an answer. My brother was my moms favortite and I was my dads favorite. Not that they treated us unfaily or badly just we were closer with that parent for whatever reason.
If you think that this won't happen in blended families, your the one who needs a reality check......
And by the way, I care for
And by the way, I care for my stepson and have watched him grow into a great boy and someday a great man. Yes he is a lot like his mother and sometimes it does bug me. And maybe I don't love him like my own and never will. And that is okay. I know deep in my heart that I treat him with compassion and respect. We have a good relationship and I do my best to be a positive role model for him that he can rely on. I do not see him as a reminder of the one night stand that he was conceived by nor would I see him as a reminder of love that his mom and my husband shared if that had been the case. Maybe if this is what 'you' want these childrens jobs to be, your the one with issues, not us 'wicked stepmothers'.....
Favoritism common
Among SOME families yes. I do agree. When my Mom passed away, my sister felt very left out of the "loop" because my Dad and I were constantly together. I never thought it was because he favored me, but because I lived 5 houses away from him. My sister, on the other hand lived 25 miles away. Where I had children that kept me pretty much available and grounded to my home, my sister and her husband are not parents, nor do they have any type of schedules or time restraints. To think it would be easy for her to drive over to see him, she had every excuse in the world not to visit. Plans, plans, and more plans. Aerobics class, hair appointment, movie date nite, girls night out, thirsty Thursday, etc. I just chalked it up to her not being able to accept my Mom being gone, therefore not wanting to see my dad, alone, single, and lonely. While I somehow managed to bear my father's pain, I was angry at my sister for becoming a runaway. One thing eventually led to another and we 'had it out' one day. I don't remember much of the argument except for her final words...."Daddy always liked you better. Had Mom lived and Dad died first, I would have always been with Mommy because she loved me more." I had never once considered any favoritism by either parent. I felt as though I had been slapped in the face. Just imagine how a child must feel when she knows that she is not her father's favorite? It hurt my adult sister immensely. I for one, am glad that I never saw that aspect of my parents choice of favorite child....... It still mystifies me to think I could have been that blind?
I have 2 children. Interestingly enough, I have no favorite at any specific time. My oldest is a very large pain in my ass, yet I could not, under any circumstances deem him the least favorite of my two children.
Skye22, when you have your 2nd child, maybe we can continue this line of conversation? I would find it most interesting to see if you then will have a favorite child? I am in no way disrespecting your opinion, nor am I judging you/it. I am wondering if your words are true. Is there favoritism in every family........? Does each parent have a favorite?
Janice
"The truth hurts but the b*llshit kills"
I do not believe that
I do not believe that favoritism is equaitable to love. I fully beleive that we can love each child equally, yet feel closer to one due to many different things. Such as how your personalities mesh or similar interests. And I don't think that 'favoritism' is blaitent. It can be VERY VERY subtle. I too am interested in how adding another little person into the mix will change our family dynamics.
Just different perspectives...
And Janice, no hard feelings here
I have a solution for favortism...
just be an only child!
LOL... (Okay,I know I'm a brat...)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I agree Biomom...
Just here checking out the drama and read this email. I have a son and a daughter...no favourite. There things about each of them that are unique and endearing. Like all children, their years of growing up were different were marked by joys and challenges but both are equally special. So I can't say about favouritism in other families but I care for my children equally.
In fact I work with many stepmoms who often complain that there husbands' seem to favour their first born children with their exs BECAUSE they don't get to spend as much time with them so that their time with them is even more special. One dad even asked his new wife to take the weekends off that he has his son so that she can look after their baby so that he can spend more one on one time with his first son.
Whey do stepmom's need to reassure themselves that Dad cares more for first children than his second...why would anyone even want that to be the case? Whose need is being met with this? Only the step mother's own ego.
I am a stepmother but not real proud of it at times with some of the nonsense, not just that I read here, but that people genuinely believe and feel and the horrible antagonism that is illustrated. It is embarrassing and sad.
I am however proud
Uh-oh, Stamina
Uh-Oh....here she comes......That's the stamina I know and love! Where have you been???? Although our comments are not always well received, I'd like to think their honest. Thank you for your responses here. They have been well received on this end, as always.
Kudos!
Janice
"The truth hurts but the b*llshit kills"
To me it sounds as though,
To me it sounds as though, you are the First borns mother in this situation. You have a bitterness regarding any theory that suggests a mans first born is no more or less important in his life than his tenth. His first born is special. His first Son/or daughter is special. His first born with his new love is special. Having children is always special, and even more so in my opinion with someone you love.
These women are no more delusional than you. Their children will never REPLACE their husbands first born, but will certainly never be less wonderful. GET A LIFE!
Well thats funny, because
Well thats funny, because the day our son was born, those words came out of HIS mouth. I did not ask, nor would have ever thought to ask if he favored one over the other, he brought it up. I felt the same bringing both of my sons into this world, but he felt the birth of our son together was more special & he felt a stronger love immediately than he did when his ex-wife gave birth to her first child. I say her's because we very recently found out it wasn't his child. So maybe thats why, although he thought it was his child at the time. But it may also be due to the circumstances the child was brought into, if he loves the mother of the child, etc...sorry I know this is an old post but since we just had our first child together a couple months ago I thought I would now weigh in on it...
very good???
I love my skids like they are my own. But they also live with us all the time. I don't see their BM in them at all I see their father. and I love him so I love them just as much- I think that the childs age has an impact on the situation though- from reading all the posts here - it seems the older the skids are the harder it is for everyone involved- I came in skids life at 14 mos and 2 1/2 yer old - so they have known me since they were babies and I love them with all my heart- if i didn't then my husband and I wouldn't be together. I think though we wouldn't have as strong as a bond (me and the skids) if they didn't live with us full time- because I think it takes that time to develop a bond- but when we did have them only on the weekends I really did love them just as much but I also saw behavior that was unacceptable to me and there father and it took at least one day - for them to rfemember where they were and what the rules were at our home and they were tiny.
I'd admit that's part of it.
That's definitely a problem I had early on in accepting the oldest SD, but our situation is probably different than most. She's not biologically my husband's child (conceived when ex cheated on him) and doesn't have ANY of my husband's features, characteristics, mannerisms, etc., so when I look at her and the way she acts sometimes, I do see her mother. That doesn't bother me from the standpoint that he had this child with her first or anything like that, but more because his ex-wife just isn't a very nice person and she's treated me badly, and I really don't like to be reminded of her, which her daughter sometimes does.
On the other hand, the youngest, SS11, looks so much like my husband did at the same age that the resemblance is uncanny. I cannot get enough of that one. I didn't give birth to him, but I love that little guy to pieces. Not just because he reminds me of when my hubby was that age (remember, I knew my hubby at that age!) but because he's just so funny and affectionate and cute. His goodness is infectious. He can be a little annoying with his ADHD and PDD, but what kid isn't a little annoying from time to time?
The middle child, SD14, is a little crazy and dorky, but very fun to be around. I always thought she looked like her mom, but then I gave birth to my daugter and discovered that they share a lot of the same features! So I guess I wasn't seeing BM in her, but someone on hubby's side of the family, since those looks now appear in my own daughter.
But as for the jealousy at not having been first, I can honestly say I didn't have that issue. I mean, I was 33 and he was 36 when we got married. We'd both been married, divorced and had children. Not to mention years of dating other people. He dated EVERY SINGLE ONE of my best friends in high school, for chrissakes. Never asked me out once. (My grandfather was our high school principal and warned him off early.) I had such a crush on him in high school and that was half a lifetime ago. So no, I didn't have that. Maybe because I did know him first, best and longest, but probably also because we were older, had plenty of life experience under our belts and, frankly, he never made me feel second.
The only thing I think would be different if he were raising them on his own with no BM in sight is that we would actually get to SEE the kids, we would get to TALK TO the kids, we would get to really be a part of their lives and we don't have that now. But I think all kids can be real pains in the ass, whether step or bio. I don't think that has anything to do with who their biological parents are or who raises them, it's just an inate part of being a kid. Someday they will become adults and turn into even bigger pains in the ass. Such is life!
Good topic, Janice!
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Hit That Nail on the head!!!
A BIG FAT YES to that! I think it would be much easier if my SS was not a constant reminder of BM... he looks like her, acts like her... and even at times SOUNDS like her. She has him programmed like a little robot and it drives me insane!
Now, when he is being himself, the cute little personality that I know and LOVE... I adore him. It is always obvious when DH or I are having a disagreement with BM... SS gets very quiet and reserved when he is around us. He says things that you KNOW he was told by BM, no way does he come up with this stuff on his own. I think BM and I are both hateful at times though... like when she told me the other day that she was hesitant to move out of her apartment because she had "too many memories with DH in there"... oh to have a sledge hammer at that very moment, who the hell did she think she was talking to? I told her- IT IS TIME TO LET GO OF THOSE MEMORIES AND MOVE ON! Psycho!
But on a positive note, if she was not around, we would not have our 3 nights a week to ourselves without kids... sometimes I like to think of her as the babysitter... but I guess if she were really a babysitter, I would choose one that is not so stupid to take care of our son.
Your honesty is heartfelt.....
Tiff: It is rare to find anyone one step parent that takes the initiative that you do regarding your skids. I appreciate that you treat them as your own. There is a few steps here I know for a fact would kill for their skids, very few. But the ones that feel as you do towards them will someday be rewarded. If they don't feel that raising that child reward enough. I find that those that post their issues regarding skids and do not always blame the bio, to have a much healthier outlook to their step parenting role.
But I can definately see the other side. I am a very jealous person. Insecure and obsessive too. Therefore, to look at my S.O.'s child and be reminded of "her" would be too much for me. Unless, of course, I have matured somewhat as of late. But I doubt it. Just ask the 8 year olds that were watching me try and sip water out of a straw and make it come out my nose. They thought I was not only immature, but the coolest mom ever. Little did they know I had to take the next day off from work because I popped a blood vessel in my eye and I looked like Mohammed Ali coming out of the ring.
Anyway....
Age is definately a problem area. But that goes for steps as well as us bio's. If you read my posts regarding my eldest son, (bio), you will notice the consistency in his normal routine behavior when it comes to communication. I ask a question and the response is usually the same: BIG sigh, eyeroll, stomp. (SES) He is 17 and has finally allowed the nasty side out. On me anyway. He is downright rude, nasty, mean and has no patience with anyone over the age of 20. Except for with my Dad. God bless his soul for that. God knows exactly what he's doing there. If my son were to EVER disrespect my father, he knows he wouldn't live to see his 18th birthday. Funny, as I type that last part I wonder why it is he feels he can treat me like a leper, yet he knows my boundaries are marked when it comes to my Dad. Huh! Have to regroup and think about sharpening my tongue and my parenting skills. The kids actually knows I have boundaries and he knows my buttons too. Too smart for his own good.
But what I really liked was that you in fact did bring up the age factor because I think some steps take it so personally when the skids get to that oh so tumultuous scary raging hormonal teenage stage. Anne was describing a conversation she overheard her hubby have with her sd15. I was laughing and thinking, "Yeah, and.....??". She described EVERY conversation I have had w/my son in the past year or so. SD15 feels entitled to only give one word answers and only when necessary. Now Anne's dynamics are totally different than most, but just being 15 is an excuse for bitchiness. Or is it?
I have tried so hard to have my son be this all-around goodnatured, personable kid. And it seems overnight he has turned on me. And who will get the brunt and blame if he should act this way around smom? Me! Because I raised him ya know! If some would realize that it hurts a bio to see a child not be exactly the way we want him/her to be. Part is definately our ego.
I can remember a time where TJ called his gym teacher a dyke. (Is that how you spell it?)LOL! I was mortified!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, mortified because he called her that awful name! But ya know what I said to him? YOU WILL NEVER AGAIN BEHAVE IN A WAY THAT WILL HAVE ANY REFLECTION ON HOW I MAY HAVE RAISED YOU. IF YOU WANT TO FUCK UP YOUR LIFE, WAIT TIL YOUR OUT OF MY PARENTAL GUIDANCE. YOU WILL NOT MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A BAD MOTHER!!!!!!!!!! EVER!!!!!!!!!!!
Hard to admit, but its the truth. I am/was always so conscience of what people might think of ME, I wasn't looking at HIS behavior. Only how it reflected in being brought up in a "broken home".
I set out to prove statistics wrong. What statistics? The ones my parents drummed into my head when I decided to divorce the first ex.
As far as the dyke comment? I have close relatives that are gay. My son was in for the shock of his life when I revealed those details to him that day. It was an eyeopener. For sure.
Daddysgirl: Please realize that her comments regarding her memories are exactly as you are taking them. They are said to make you feel exactly as you do. Livid and hurt. Who the fuck wants to be reminded that someone else has memories with our husband/boyfriend? I don't. It's bad enuff I obsess over his life before me. I do not need her reminders too. But try and look at it this way: By getting angry, you are giving in to HER needs. Her need to be an important part of your own private hell. There could be no other reason to make a comment like that EXCEPT to aggravate you. Next time just say, (as you let a breezy laugh out) "Oh, God, everytime I even mention your name, he tells me not to bring it up. He has thrown out any memories of your marriage citing pure disgust. He is always telling me he is so glad that God gave him a second chance to live his life over...the right way." That'll really piss her off. Trust me, I know
.
As I tell the girls at work who are venturing out in areas where I have been before: LET ME BE YOUR CRYSTAL BALL.
My ex's wife has given me doses of reality with that breezy laugh of her and I used to get to the point where I was ready to call 1-800-KILLHER! I have many many responses to the stupidity that comes out of the mouths of bio's. I am a bio, therefore admit to stupidity more times than I can count.
Anne: as usual, you are my rock. Your insight and experience has brought me to tears, to laughter and to pain more times than I can count. And although I may not always agree with your opinion, I have never failed to smile reading thru your blogs and responses. Erma Bombeck the 2nd is what we call you here in Hicksville. My fiancee and I laugh at your take on life and your responses to most of your hardships. There have been times where your pain and humor gave me the strength to rattle through a day where I thought my problems were big. You are true spirit of the slogan "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade"
StepMom has not responded here, but she too is a person who I set out determined to disagree with. Yet she has worked her way into my heart thru her honesty, her posts and her humor.
Anyway, enuff for now. I should really feed the kids. It's 9:30 pm and last time I saw Tyler he was walking around with a glass of CaptnCrunch cereal!
Love to all,
Janice
Anne:
I think that when a woman ALSO brings children to the table (so to speak) the dynamics ARE different. Since your husband took on your son as his own, your rush to have bio's together was not for giving him something that you also didn't have at all. Does that sentence even make sense? You didn't have that "I can't give him first born" because you were not having your first born. Get it? I hope I'm presenting it right. :jawdrop
That's true, Janice. I
That's true, Janice. I mean, we'd both been there and done that. We have both said before privately that it would sure have been nice if we could've had all these kids together instead of with others, but bottom line is that he had his, I had mine and then we had ours and, honestly, by the time number five came along, it was no less exciting or meaningful than either of our first times. She was "our" firstborn. So I guess you could look at like we each had two firstborn children. I'd say we're pretty lucky.
~ Anne ~
Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)
Yes and No
I would have to say: No because she does not bother to try to become a part of our family, and she only visits once a month. Also I feel backed into a corner because my Dh thinks that there is and should be absolutly no difference between SD and my own bio kids (when you feel forced into something it is the very last thing on earth that you want to do). And yes because alot of her quirks and foibles are her mothers. And any reminders of her mother rub me the wrong way.
Sorry my own honest situation
Do you ever ask yourself why this rubs you the wrong way?
When I am really bothered by something my sks do that remembers me of their mom, I remind myself that the ex, too, was someone that my husband once loved and was attracted to her virtues,whatever they were. She couldn't be all bad...either that or he was pretty dumb...and that wouldn't look good for me having chosen to be with him now.
The issue is that hubby was intimate with another, chose to be with another before us. We would love to have been their first. We weren't. Reality....
I guess I should respond... huh?
The reason I didn't come along this was because, well, the title said..."For those finding it "HARD TO LIKE/LOVE THEIR STEPCHILD(REN)...." So, I passed it, because, well, I don't find it difficult to love my SS. Husband, maybe, SS... not really. SD... well, don't know her yet. LOL
I don't know really what to answer. Because honestly, I think it really doesn't matter WHO is in the child's life, but HOW they are raised to accept people.
For example, my family always grows by astronomical numbers... and it ain't by birth, but because my grandparents on my mother side are very very open, welcoming people who often 'adopt' new family members into the family. So, I have numerous sisters, brothers, cousins, aunts and uncles who have no blood or marriage connections what so ever.
Then there is the other side, my father's parents were very private, withdrawn, isolated individuals who would never consider 'adopting' someone into their family. Friends, yes, but as a 'family member', no. Even marriage was somewhat 'phony' feeling until you had children together. Then because those children were 'blood' they were all happy family. It sounds pretty harsh, but they were from an older generation and very religious. (I don't take after this side, LOL...)
I do have to say that yes, I do see that my SS's BM has projected her fears into her son by a mere defense coping mechanism... she is extremely insecure, and therefore really relied heavily on SS for comfort for a long time. (I was seen as a threat to their relationship.)
I do know that it's normal and natural for us to project our behaviors onto our children, that I know is a true known fact. So, if a certain behavior pattern weren't present during the primary years of raising a child, the likely hood for that child to adapt that behavior is extremely low... there's no 'role model' present to pick up from. I have seen this first hand.
Take ED for example. Eating Disorders are such that are generally and almost always passed on from mother to daughter by behavior influences. One learns the behavior from the other, and because they 'grew up' with the behavior, they know nothing else... anything healthy is actually abnormal to them. They in turn will unknowingly pass this behavior onto their children, if they do not recognize that there is a problem. They live and have a distorted look on life. They think that the method that was passed down to them is 'normal' and anything else 'healthy' is abnormal.
Now, add another person into the mix that is 'normal' and what do you get? Friction.
So, to me, it's not about, who slept with who first, but behaviors. I could care less about who my DH slept with, because I put it into perspective. He wasn't my first, but I hope that he's my last. (Yes, I'll have to crack him over the head with a rolling pin every now and then, keep him in line, huh?...)
Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...
I am so sick and tired...
Of people talking about how the bios raised kids poorly...blah...blah...blah. Like all of a sudden the eyes of the objective stepmother bring the opinion of child rearing knowledge and wisdom. Give me a break and stop making excuses for why the dads aren't involved completely or in a meaningful, influential way! Nonsense....and a very biased, subjective opinion of someone who was previously never involved in THEIR lives. Am I to believe that these dads are all saints who were married to devils?
My husband had custody of his kids because that is the way things worked out. They BOTH made lots of mistakes in their relationship as my spouse and I did in ours. HOWEVER, hopefully, in acknowledging OUR foibles instead of everyone elses, WE can have a better marriage. That is my goal...not nasty, vindicative, loathing feelings of contempt for the biomom and her evil, misguided little misfits.
I think what is forgotten at
I think what is forgotten at this website many times is that I and many of the other women on this site are also BIOMOMS not just a wicked stepmother! I wear two hats, and so I see thru two fields of vision. Until and unless you are also in both positions you have no clue.
And by the way, I have an excellent relationship with my ss despite his mothers attempt to sabatoge it.
I have a 6 yr old ss. His
I have a 6 yr old ss. His mother does not discipline him in the slightest unless his behavior is so outrageous that the school calls. And even that is no video games and cartoons for the night. She allows him to argue and disrespect her constantly. He tells his teachers that he'll slap them with scissors if they don't do what he would like. And she buys him endless amounts of videogames as long as he doesn't actually bother her. He runs her house. So when he comes to our home I like to set boundaries especially as we do have 2 other small children together. However what I say doesn't matter because his dad won't enforce it. He is afraid that his son won't like him. Because his mom tells him that his dad doesn't like him and he doesn't have to listen to me. And she calls and curses me out for no apparent reason as I never even speak to her or say anything about her. So ya not all bios raise their kids poorly. But there is also a great majority that do. And it's not about the objective sm because my s.o would see it and be in denial. (Saying that he's a child and he doesn't know what he's doing. And why should I punish him for things that she lets him get away with at home. Even if it is blatantly wrong. And he does know right from wrong.) It is just that as steps we are usually the one to call you on your stuff. Because that isn't our child. And we don't have to tolerate it. And we don't feel that guilt about the fact that we don't get to see them as often and we don't care so much about them not liking us that we are willing to be completely disrespected. And your husband had custody of the kids, mine doesn't. So that means that for the majority of the yr. she tells him that we don't love him, we don't do anything for him, nobody cares about him, you don't have to respect her and he doesn't care about you. Which is reinforced by the fact that she never disciplines him. How many kids do you know that really want to be grounded or put on punishment? Which one would probably say that it is between the parents. And they would be right as far as the discipline goes but the behavior is still his. And goes unadressed. I love my ss I don't like his behavior. And as for his mom I'm far to mature to address her childish antics into getting me to argue with her. I just wish she would reaize that not setting boundaries won"t hurt us but him in the long run.
not for the reasons you think
My fiancee has five kids, 4 from his first and 1 from his second marriage. I have four of my own from two marriages and two grandchildren. I am in my late fourties and he is in his late fifties. I like his oldest four children a lot and have easily become attached to them. Its the youngest, who is four that I have no attachment to and quite frankly don't have the desire to form one. It has nothing to do with being jealous of his past or his relationship with her or anything like that. I wish I could say it was I would feel much better about myself. It's not that ss looks like her, quite frankly he doesn't look like either one of them. I wish he did look like him, it might make it easier. It really has everything to do with BM behavior since she found out that we were planning on marrying. She has made life a nightmare for us. She has made it very clear that she doesn't want me to have a relationship with ss and that she doesn't want me around period. The stress she causes is unbelieveable. My fiancee has to make him say hello to me otherwise he refuses. I asked him to get his shoes on four times last night and he totally ignored me. I am afraid to say to much of anything in front of him or be around him to much because his mother has accused us of having "adult things" in front of him that so upset him she started taking him to counseling. SS is very easily manipulated and BM could get him to say anything. I realize that how his crazy mother acts is not his fault but she should be happy to know she is getting exactly what she wants. I have no desire left to have a relationship with her child. Maybe it's a self protection thing, I don't know. Maybe it is because she uses that child so much to try and control my fiancee and I will never let her have that type of control over me. I don't care enough about ss to let her have that control. I love my fiancee very much and it breaks my heart to see what this woman is willing to do to this child in order to hurt him. I will stand beside him in what ever decision he makes regarding this child. He is now taking BM back to court on her violations of the Joint Parenting Agreement and I have been very supportive of that and his right to visitation with his son without having to go through all this nonsense. But do I have feelings for this child....... honestly no, not really and I feel badly about it but it is the truth.
I look at it differentlyI guess
I have no children of my own, which I guess puts me into the minority. I like my skids most of the time(except when they are whiny
, but I am probably not as affectionate with them as my dh would like me to be. Nor have I ever actually told them I love them. But..would I give my life for them-YOU BET. Would I push them out of the way of a speeding car? Would I take out a bully who was hounding them? Do I want to beat the crap out of their bm for some of the physical and emotional trauma she has inflicted on them over the years? Yes to all of the above. But there is the rub. They do have their mom, and she is with them 50% of the time. I feel like there is this invisible line that I cannot cross, that no matter how bad I think she is, she is still their mother and they still love her. So in my own little demented way of looking at things I guess I don't want to upset the balance. I am there for them and they know that. They even tell me things they don't tell her. But I do put up kind of an emotional wall with them. Does that make sense? Maybe I am afraid they won't return the affection since they already have a mom they love. I don't know..
Beth
we love you janice
and I think this topic has been a wonderful conversation piece - thanks a million for your never ending support to all of us- hope we are as helpful to you. this was a wonderful question!!!
Expectations
Hi, Although my relationship with SD has deteriorated - in her early years we had a solid affection for one another. I always respected the fact that she loved her mother and understood that it was not a competition for the SD's affection and loyalty. I could see many of my husband's traits in my SD and that made my affection for her grow. We chose not to have children of our own and I think that having children would have complicated things and strained my relationship with SD. Stepmoms need to respect their skids love for the bio parent. We may not like the bio parent but we must respect that relationship. I think that if we allow the relationship to grow without trying to define or quantify: if it's love or do we love the skid as much as we should. The one thing I know about kids regardless of bio kids or skids - they can sense if you're being genuine and they deserve honesty and respect and a safe place to be.
This is an interesting subject...
Having no kids of my own means I can dote on my stepkids (as long as they don't move in - ha ha, I'm KIDDING. See?? Already my humor is kicking in.)
During all the time I was having a snit about their mother, it never bothered me one way or the other that there was Someone Else There Before Me. Their mom is their mom and that had no effect on how I felt about them. Now had they been walking PHYSICAL reminders of their mom that would've been a little hard to take, even so one takes more after her mama and the younger one takes more after her dad. They're BOTH gorgeous kids. And no matter how I felt about their mama in the past, I always had to admit she bore and raised some beautiful kids.
I did have a lot of incorrect expectations, though, when it came to my stepdaughters. I thought they would automatically LOVE ME becuase THEIR DAD loved me. Nope, wrong. They had to get to know me and I them and we are forging what I think is a pretty darn good relationship at the time...hell, my younger SD wants to live with us. If she hated me, I don't think that'd be the case.
I respect the fact that they have a mama and I'll never BE their mama...and that's fine. I made a concious choice NOT to have children. But I'll gladly love his kids because they are a part of him. And, they're nice, sweet girls so it's easy to love them. And it's nice to have kids around to spoil that I didn't have to have the work of raising, ha ha.
I have to agree with Glynne...Kids, well ANYONE really but ESPECIALLY kids, even older kids, can sense when you are being genuine and real, and when you are NOT. They can pick up on things that you HOPE they won't.
So to answer Janice's question, no it don't bother me none. Sometimes I get a little bummed because I'll never know how it would be to HAVE children of my own, but it's a little late in the game for me, DH don't want anymore, and really I didn't have children for a reason. It's only a twinge of a feeling anyhow.
You know I hadda throw my $.02 on this one.
Fearless
Your perspective is always so awesome and honest...
You always take some responsibility for your feelings and don't pin things on others. I have tremendous respect for you and the effort and concern you have for your step daughters...even though you have trepidations about them moving in.
Just thought I'd weigh in here
I don't find it hard to love my SD. She is just the most wonderful little sweetheart, it's impossible not to love her! I didn't have any children of my own when I met her and we really took to each other. Maybe not in a mother/daughter way, but in a big sister/little sister or aunt/niece way? Hard to describe. I very quickly grew a deep affection for her as well as a sense of responsibility for her.
When I was pregnant with my daughter, I wondered how the feelings would compare. Would I love my daughter more because she grew in my belly for 9 months whereas I had missed out on the first 9 years of SD's life? After my daughter was born and I felt that incredible all-encompassing overwhelming motherly love, I realized that it wasn't the first time I had felt this sort of love. Yes, I had (and still have!) that feeling for my SD. No, I'm not her mother. But I care about her as though she is my own. What an amazing feeling! In fact, I'm baffled that I feel the same for both girls when I only spend 6 days a month with one of them! I am so incredibly lucky!
I may be the minority here, and I certainly do NOT judge anyone who doesn't have those feelings for their skids. I hesitated to post here because I didn't want anyone to feel bad that they don't have the same bond as with their biokids. Then I thought, why not share the joy?
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