mamaphd's picture

hate stepchildren...hate myself...PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICE!!!

I really really really need some advice. I feel like I'm headed down the road to self-destructing my relationship with DH. First, let me explain the background which leads to the need for advice. First, I have 3 stepchildren. Girl age 17, girl age 13, and boy age 12. I also have a 1 yr/old daughter with DH. Custody of kids is every other week with DH and DH's Ex trading weeks. When I first came into the picture 4-5 years ago, there was a slight honeymoon period. I got along with kids and vice versa. However, my DH's ex has always tried to interfere with our relationship and create conflict. She is not a nice person. She is not really a mother to the children, but instead allows her mother and her new husband to take care of all the parenting. Her family has tried to overstep boundaries several times...such as they buy my daughter christmas presents...want to come over to open Chmas presents with us, etc. It just feels very weird.

Anyway, back to kids...at one point in time, the now 17 y/o would talk to me about how she wished her mom could be nicer, listen to her, be there for her, etc. So my point is, I really did try to make this stepparenting thing work...I even thought for a while it could Then DH ex decided she wants my DH back and problems started. The DH's ex tells kids it's my fault their family can't get back together (but had she cheated on my husband and their relationship had been over for 2-3 yrs before I came around). Then I was to blame for everything!! 17 y/o (aged 14 at the time) started having anger outbursts...like really really bad...calling names, punching and kicking holes in the walls, it was miserable. I felt like a prisoner in my own house. She has recently gone to stay with her mother, which has alleaviated some of the stress. However, the other two are always having problems. The 13 y/o has had several invovlements with the police. The 12 y/o boy has a metnal disorder called trichotillomaina in which he pulls his hair out. He also has an eating disorder. He is under treatment with a psychologist. I think its from all the anxiety from lack of mother and oldest sister being crazy all the time. He punches his middle sister in head sometimes. I just feel really stressed when they are around. My husband travels with his job and is home a few nights a week. This past summer I told him they couldn't stay here when he is not here due to stress it causes me.

He feels guilty for being gone and so tries to get the kids to stay with us when he is here. I go from it being me and my 1 y/o daughter in a calm clean house, to a house of chaos. I am on guard when they are around and feel like I have to be "fake nice" since I know that at any momment these kids will turn against me. They have been mean to my daughter and rude to me saying things like..."what if she is retarded..." and laughing when she falls down etc. I feel like I have to be overly cautious to protect my daughter when they are around for fear of what they might do to her.

I have gotten to where I resent my step-children and even worse my DH for wanting them around all of the time. He just doesn't understand the stess when they are around. In his mind it's all one big happy family. In my mind, these are demon kids who make my life stressful. I never know how the day is going to go. The kids call constantly when they are away and then sometimes spur of the momment, like DH calls and says "Oh yeah...son wants to stay the night...I'm headed to pick him up" Then plans must be changed b/c it turns into a therapy session to help support poor mental problem child. I do feel bad sometimes that he suffers from these problems, but at the same time, my family, with my DH and daughter are left to the back burner so that DH can be therapist, law enforcer, banker, etc. to his other family. I have tried to explain this and how I feel to my husband. It ends up in a huge argument. He says I'm hateful b/c I don't love his children...and then I feel like crap. Am I a mean person? Has anyone else felt like if it weren't for their SC their life would be great? My DH says I'm selfish and immature for feeling like this. I just feel like noone really understands me. I am not trying to be mean, but I am tired of every single thing revolving around the SC. Money is an issue due to the spoiled (private school, designer clothing, etc) needs of the SC, while I wear Walmart clothes. What is normal? I feel like maybe I am a crazy bitch like DH says. Please! Any advice or similar situations would help me out. I feel like I'm all alone!!!!!!


pandalove984's picture

You are NOT alone. I just

You are NOT alone. I just recently joined this site thinking the same thing but found that there are many people with the same problems. My DH has 2 children that come to our house every other weekend, at which time I make myself scarce doing whatever I can to avoid them. I too believe our lives would be soo much better if they were not here! They are selfish kids, which doesn't make sense if you look at the lives they've had thus far and never do anything except sit in front of the tv, or only do something when H tells them, even down to brushing their teeth! Now they are 15 and 13- I would think at this point they would brush their teeth, change their clothes, shower, etc on their own, but no- they wait for his instruction. It drives me nuts when they are here and DH just doesn't understand.
So please know that you are not alone and I think finding this site was a good move! I feel terrible about not liking DH kids but I am glad there is a site like this I can go to to talk and listen to others.

mamaphd's picture

Thank you for your support

Thank you for your support and kind words. You are right...it is good to know that other women feel the same way. I think it's one of those things that if you have never walked in our shoes you just can't fully understand.
And as for the sitting around and waiting for instructions!!!! OMG! I am there with ya!! Drives me crazy too!

jojo68's picture

You are only being honest

You are only being honest with yourself...that is the opposite of being selfish or immature. So many people feel the same way about their situations. I feel so guilty sometimes for the way I feel. I had posted before that I had had a stepdaughter from a previous relationship (my son's dad). I really loved this girl...I met her when she was nine. We took to each other right away. I missed her when she wasn't there. I just don't have the same feelings for my bf's daughter. I feel horrible about it. This little girl's way of acting is just not easy to like. She is conceited, demanding, whining, bossy, hyper,irritating(asks the same question over and over and talks to hear herself talk), and lazy it is really hard for me to look past that.

"Never allow someone to be your priority when you are only their option"

pandalove984's picture

My SD talks to hear herself

My SD talks to hear herself as well! She's 13 and asks questions like a 5 year old- it drives me insane! I too don't talk to skids unless they speak first. It is a terrible way to live but you can't help the way you feel! I love my DH with all my heart but so greatly wish it was just him and I and that's all!

completely lost's picture

I feel for you. I used to be

I feel for you. I used to be a happy-go-lucky type of person up til a year ago. My step children (boys 11 and 10)hate me and treat me like crap. I have started to dislike myself in return. I hate having contempt for two children, but I swear they are the most manipulative lying children I have ever met. They seem hell bent on being miserable and making the rest of us go down with them. I cry at work knowing I have to go home and they are there. I find that prayer and white zinfandel helps. Since joining this site, I have also found peace in knowing I am not alone and having people share their stories and words of comfort and advice. I'll certainly pray for you as well.

completely lost's picture

I feel for you. I used to be

I feel for you. I used to be a happy-go-lucky type of person up til a year ago. My step children (boys 11 and 10)hate me and treat me like crap. I have started to dislike myself in return. I hate having contempt for two children, but I swear they are the most manipulative lying children I have ever met. They seem hell bent on being miserable and making the rest of us go down with them. I cry at work knowing I have to go home and they are there. I find that prayer and white zinfandel helps. Since joining this site, I have also found peace in knowing I am not alone and having people share their stories and words of comfort and advice. I'll certainly pray for you as well.

Kes's picture

The advice I would give you

The advice I would give you is establish some firm boundaries around the time the SKIDS are not at your place. Do not allow your DH to just arrange with your SS to go and get him for the night without even consulting you. This is just basic courtesy. He sounds as though he completely sticks his head in the sand if he thinks it is one big happy family, and is in denial big time. It is too easy for him to solve the problem by heaping guilt on you and making you doubt yourself.
Do not allow him to make you feel bad because you cannot have only positive feelings towards these difficult, high maintenance SKIDS. All your feelings are perfectly justified, you are neither selfish nor immature, and he has to be made to see that life is not one big holiday for you. Secretly he is probably afraid that if he admits his children are hard work, you may think twice about whether you want to be with him.

Veteran disengaged SM of 12 years.

krd's picture

I am in the same boat as you

I am in the same boat as you my friend. My 2 Skids hate me and I have done nothing but marry their dad and try to be nice and make them feel like they are wanted. I am beginning to think it is impossible to make them happy unless he were to go back to BM!!!!!

Phoenix1984's picture

I'm starting to believe there

I'm starting to believe there are a lot of people out there who feel this way
( I have tried to explain this and how I feel to my husband. It ends up in a huge argument. He says I'm hateful b/c I don't love his children...and then I feel like crap. Am I a mean person? Has anyone else felt like if it weren't for their SC their life would be great?)
I live with my BF and his BD5 and BS10 live here for 2 days every 2 days on a rota basis. I just dont have much in commmon with the BS, but I actually dislike the BD so much that it takes up most of my energy with guilt. I'm so tired of hearing her voice, and of our lives revolving around her so much. I am pregnant, and though I love my BF immensely, I have no idea how to do this...He wants me to love them as much as I will love this baby. Well, I just cant - If I can stay in the same room with his BD without getting a headache and wishing she just wasnt here, I'll be at least surviving this!
I really hope you and your husband manage to talk about this issue - If he could understand that they are his children, not yours, it might make things easier? That at least seems to be my dream scenario that my BF and I are unlikely ever to reach...