If you feel your relationship is worth salvaging, Read Stepmonster and get him to read it as well. There is no way in hell that you can be forced to have feelings for SS that you don't have. I agree with ybarra, this is pretty much all on your H.

YOU are not a horrible person but I cannot say the same about your DH. He's going to withhold affection and attention from his own son? And expects you to do the same when SS is around?

he says that he has to make up for SS not having a mother

First of all, it's impossible to "make up" for SS having a crappy mother. It makes no sense for him to then be a crappy dad to his son that he has with you. Who's going to "make up" for that?

I REALLY hate the excuse of having to make up for something in these situations. There is no making up for anything. The best thing a parent can do, is be the best parent they can be and that includes raising their kids to know that life isn't always fair. Coddling them does them no good in the long run. Buying them things, being their friend, not disciplining them does NOTHING to help them grow into productive adults. Make a kid feel like they are broken and they will always be broken.

You don't have to love your SS as your own to treat him well and it sounds like you do, even though he's annoying.

The fact is, your DH has TWO sons. Two, biological sons. He seriously cannot love and parent them both?

When my niece was born, DH and I had her every weekend, SD was 11 at the time. Although we encouraged her to play with our niece and included SD in everything, there were times she was jealous of the attention that her dad gave to our niece.

DH just told her that when she was little, he paid just as much attention to her and played with her just as much, people just can't remember babyhood. That babies and toddlers need different kinds of attention than pre-teens. I think she got it but was still a little jealous.

Also, SD knew that I was not her mother or aunt or anything so I don't think she was jealous of the attention I paid to my niece but I don't know. I certainly wasn't going to smother SD in kisses like I did my baby niece!

Your DH should be fostering the relationship between his sons, not creating a rivalry.

So why has DH not stepped up to be a father to ss7? Why is he primarily living with his maternal grandmother?
It sounds like your in-laws and DH are trying to make ss7 feel better and more loved by ignoring and withholding affection from your bs2. You have a supportive family so keep bs2 away from his toxic paternal grandparents. It sucks that ss7 had an egg donor that doesn't want to be a mother and a father that hasn't stepped up, you had NOTHING to do with that yet you're getting all the blame for it. You're a loving mother and a caring step mother, they should all be grateful yet they're resentful...go figure. Guess you make them all look bad.

I hope all of you can get family counseling because DH needs to hear that he can love both of his sons and you are allowed to be a great mother and love your son all you want.

What a lot of unnecessary drama.

Now you see I find this funny.

Your DH is being an ass to you because hes feeling guilty about SS7 not having the stable duo parent backing and for SS7 not having as good a relationship with his BM as you and BS2.

Well, sorry but your DH is also feeling guilty because hes also a crappy parent.
He knocked up the BM, but was in a relationship with you when he found out, he ditched you in attempt to make a "family" work with BM for their child. Now personally I wouldnt have taken him back after that fell around his knees, because frankly, it doesnt matter to me whether he did it for moral reasons, point is, you guys stopped seeing each other and he returned to BM to try to have the whole family environment.
But the reality is, that didnt work and he came back to you. You guys then get married, but SS is living primarily with his grandmother? Why isnt he with daddy?

Why isnt daddy dearest the primary parent? Because it really is quite simple, primary custody goes to the mother or the father. Then grandparents get a look in. Now, ok if its between mothers and fathers sometimes dads get a bad deal but if its between a father and a grandmother? Custody should be going to the father.
Im going to just assume that the reason SS is with maternal grandmother is because your darling husband "doesnt want to rock the boat" which is ball-less man language for "I cant be arsed to put the work in to legally fight for my child but I want the whole world to treat my child like a precious offering during the limited time they are with me because I couldnt stand them myself if they were with me all the time"

The whole having to love your step kid like your own is totally stupid. I can remember when me and my fiance very first got together, SD was 2, and I said to him I could promise to do my best to ensure SDs needs were always met and Id support him in his role as her father but that I couldnt promise to love her, my relationship with her would not be forced, she would not be forced to "love" me and I would not be forced to love her. I would demand respect from her the same as I would expect from any child within my house and in turn I would provide for her in the same way I would for any child within my house. But more than that I could not promise.
You know what my fiance said? What my fiance has done throughout our relationship? He imagined if the situation was on the other foot, he imagined how he would feel and the difficulties he would face if I had a child by someone else. And though only hypothetical it enabled him to respect that very fact that yes there would be a difference.
Now my relationship with my SD is great, personally I believe because nothing has been forced.

But I can tell you one thing, when me and my fiance have an "ours" baby, if his family wanted to elevate SD but reject our baby I would not be happy but you know the main thing? My fiance would not stand for it.
SS7 and BS2 are HIS children, he is the father to BOTH children and he should be demanding that HIS BOYS are treated correctly and this is the bit that really makes me laugh. Your husband is demanding from YOU that you treat his son the same as you treat/love your son but he is not demanding that his family love and treat both sons the same.
Personally I would be turning around to him and telling him that.

I would be having a sit down with him and laying it all out in a non argumentative fashion.
People get defensive about their kids, its natural. If I was to begin a conversation with you by saying, Your BS2 really pisses me off, you wouldnt hear much of what I had to say next.
So sit him down and try to talk things through, play it as you sympathise with him, you really do, you feel awful that SS7s mother doesnt seem to have as good a bond as you and BS2 and you want to make it better but you cant replace SS7s BM.
Then you take it round to what does he want? Does he want to have SS7 living with him? Tell him that you would be concerned if SS7 was to come and live with you because then BS2 would loose his father.
Try to just talk and see where it goes but honestly, if you cant talk about these things now after a 7 year relationship and with a 2 year old son then its not magically going to get better one day and I'd be making an exit.

As I've stated before I am blunt, I wouldnt have taken the man back after dumping me to try to play families with the BM. I am able to understand that if theres a child its not the childs fault and that child needs to be looked after and cared for, but I sure as hell would not stand for myself or my child paying/loosing out on what they need because of it.