Am I completely abnormal? Here's a little info:
In some ways, my stepson is difficult. He's been diagnosed with ADD, which makes him difficult to deal with because he has a terribly hard time listening/comprehending. He's had medication in the past and for a time, it worked. However, he outgrew the dosage of that particular medication and a replacement was never found, mostly because my husband (his father) is too busy/distracted to take him to the doctor for the repeated visits that would be necessary to again find a suitable medication.
My stepson is also difficult because he lies. He lies as easily as breathing. If he told me the sky was blue, I would have to look out the window to verify before I agreed. He lies about big things, small things, inconsequential things, momentous things. He's told lies about me and to me, so often that I've begun to think that if he opens his mouth, a lie will come out.
All of which adds up to: I just don't like him very much. I've known him for years. I've tried, tried, tried to like him, but now I've got resentment. I'll be the first to admit that lying is a hot-button issue for me. This is my second marriage. My first marriage was to a man who lied constantly, so in some ways I've been through this minefield before (but with a totally different relationship dymanic, of course).
So, any tips out there? How do you learn to "like" your stepchild?
Why doesn't DH get his son
Why doesn't DH get his son to the doctor's? He is doing this kid a great disservice. I think it would help you all and SS's life would be so much better.
I totally agree. It took me
I totally agree. It took me three years (count 'em, three) of reading articles and making comments along the lines of "You know, J's got all the symptoms of ADD. I think he should see a doctor" before I got any results. Then, my husband called me one day out of the blue and said, "I think J might have ADD or something." Really? Ya think?
To me, it was obvious (and I'm not a mom, nor do I have any other experience with children) that J had this condition. But I think my husband was just used to J always having his head in the clouds and having a difficult time reacting appropriately to what's going on around him. Even now, two or three years after the diagnosis, my husband incorrectly recalls that the only time J was getting passing grades in school was when he was also on appropriate medication. He thinks J was passing classes because he was "trying."
I think my husband is in some form of denial, like he doesn't want to admit there might be something "wrong" with J. I don't think there's anything wrong with having ADD, it's just a fact and it can be dealt with. But I'm the stepmom, and when it comes to medical care (as it does with a great deal of other things) the decisions are not in my hands.
I totally feel your pain. I
I totally feel your pain. I really do not like my step children either. It does have a lot to do with their behaviors and problems. One has undiagnosed ADHD but nobody really cares enough to have him evaluated. The other has been diagnosed with a mood disorder and learning disabilities. They are completely distructive, they break something everytime they are here. Today I just discovered my Rowenta iron is in pieces because they knock everything over that is in their path. They have no concept of follow rules, they basically believe its ok as long as you dont get caught (much like their mother).
My husband and I just started counceling but I dont have much hope for it working out (we have other problems besides the kids).
ADD or ADD-H isn't a cause
ADD or ADD-H isn't a cause to be a liar or acting in the manner you seem to be experiencing! My oldest son was ADD-H.
To this date, after 13 years of remarriage, I still dislike, actually even more today then when she was younger--my stepdaughter--I do have a stepson who is wonderful. His daugther has made my life misrable and my childrens too--even at age 26 now, she continues to cause trouble with my marriage. I love my husband but I have pretty much made a decision to end this crap once and for all. If ou asked would I do this again--never. Step kids don't change and if his father isn't on your side, you don't stand a chance!
Never know-- your stepson could be experiencing his mother saying negative things about you when he visit her????? This could be the cause for him to be acting out like this. See if it happens more frequently after visits with the mom?
Ex's are nightmares and never go away just like stepchildren.
Stepchildren will never change! Been there, still there, but looking to end it soon!
Enough is enough.
I have no doubt that his
I have no doubt that his mother does say negative things about me, but the lying happens all the time, so I don't think there's a connection. Plus, he lies to his dad as well. The lying is just a mechanism to help him stay out of trouble, but since it typically doesn't work, I don't know why he persists in using it.
As an example: I'm the last person to leave the house in the morning; my SS is the first to return in the afternoon. Then I get home at about 6:00 and discover something is broken, missing, etc. I ask SS: "Did you touch this?" or "What happened to that?" SS gives me a blank stare, shrugs, and says "I don't know." (Which is his thoroughly infuriating answer for EVERYTHING.) I say, "Well, it wasn't broken when I left this morning." *Another shrug* So now I'm getting angry. "Are you telling me that someone else has been in our house today? You're saying that someone broke in to our house, broke this (dish, Christmas ornament, what have you) and then LEFT?" And he'll say: "I don't know. Maybe."
AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
And my husband wonders why I have such negative interactions with my SS!!
I feel your pain too. I have
I feel your pain too. I have terrible problems liking my husbands children. 1 was diagnosed with ADHD and was put on medication. Both children attend counseling whcih their father, my husband, must take them to if it happens to fall on a weekend they are visiting. They are both teenagers which doesn't make matters better, and are very selfish children. All they want to do is spend money, and since we don't have it to spend on them, they sit in our house when they visit and do nothing but watch tv. I constantly remove myself from that situation because I feel I will go crazy just staring at them all weekend, which in turn puts a strain on my marriage after they have gone home.
Your SS needs to be in
Your SS needs to be in intensive counseling. Lying is never okay and is NOT a symptom of ADD or ADHD. Get this child into serious therapy and have that be the condition that you stay with your guy. You have the RIGHT to live in your own home and not be lied to.
Also, all kinds of people will put pressure on you to not only like your SS, but also to love him. That is BS. You do not need to even like your SS, let alone love him. It sounds like he has some very serious mental issues. You did not give birth to him and it is not your job or responsibility to fix him. Speaking from the experience of being a step-mom to two step-sons, both with significant psychological problems, I can tell you that although you can have a positive influence in your SS's life, it is his bio-parents responsibility to get him the care he needs. My advice is to figure out really quickly what kind of boundaries you are going to need in order to take care of yourself and stick to them. You are not your SS's counselor, babysitter, teacher, mom or friend. You are his step-mom and while that has certain responsibilities, your first responsibility is to maintain your own health, happiness and security. You might and probably will have pressure from his family, your family, your friends, your husband and society at large to like and love your SS. They all need to back the hell off. Don't listen to any pressure and focus on being you and getting your needs met. I wish someone had told me this when I was first starting out as a step-mom. I threw myself fully into the role and wound up draining myself to the point where when I even heard my step-kids voices my stomach clenched and I wanted to scream and run away. Take it a day at a time, don't force bonds and let them happen naturally. You weren't around when your SS was younger, when he got screwed up and since you didn't make the mess, you do not need to clean it up. What you can do is establish rules for yourself for what behavior from SS you will or will not tolerate. Create those boundaries and stick to them. Demand decent behavior from your SS and tolerate nothing less.
Get on this site daily if you need to when you need support and advice and give yourself a huge pat on the back for being willing to share your life with someone else's spawn. Pamper yourself, set high standards for how you will be treated and settle for nothing less.
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde
Believe me, I have suggested
Believe me, I have suggested the counseling thing on numerous occasions, but like the ADD, the decision is not mine. When I tell my husband that I think my SS should have some counseling he just says he doesn't agree. "If I thought J needed counseling, I would have him in counseling already."
This kid used to be filled with rage, and I think it was understandable. His BM is impossible: an abusive drug and alcohol addict with no education, no prospects, no ambition, and no desire to do anything in life. Her only concerns are where her next beer, cigarettes, and drugs will come from. She is entirely dependent on the government to see to her every need and is not only happy, but proud, to be on food stamps, welfare, and any other assistance she can get. She loves that other people's hard-earned money supports her way of life. Violence and deception (though I have never heard of nor known her to be violent to my SS) are her way of life. With that kind of example (and genetics), I think it's hard for my SS to be able to conceive of, let alone choose, a different path.
Of course, he spends the majority of his time with us, and it's a completely different world. Still, her influence is pervasive and I think that's where a lot of the lying comes from. It's also why I think my SS needs counseling. How can a child reconcile existing in such vastly different households without needing some professional help? I don't see the same symptoms of helpless rage that I used to in my SS. Maybe as he's gotten older he's become resigned to the weird duality of life with his biological parents. I would still love to see that kid in counseling, though. I think it's the only way he's going to really learn to function in the world, take responsibility for his actions, and be accountable.
great advice! I really got
great advice! I really got a lot out of reading that. i'm just starting on this step mom journey and I agree I need to decide my boundaries, my limits for how much i'm going to do because i tend to overdo motherhood 0 i have two of my own who i do a lot for and with, so naturally i swing into action with skids, but it's just not the same. and i am just learning that i don't have to like them. i never even realized if i liked them, or not, i didn't know how i felt about them, because i never gave myself the option of not liking them. it was always in my head like a mandate - you have to love them. i am finally stepping back and saying hey you how do you feel about them? and however you feel is ok. btw, my SS has adhd too and they are not taking half the action i would take if it was up to me... :0
I am new to this website,
I am new to this website, and so glad I found it. I can't believe all the SP out there who are going trought the same things I am, and that I have been feeling so quilty about. Now I feel better knowing I am not a "bad" SM for not liking my stepson. He will be 17 next month, and I have been in his life since he was 6. His BM is not in the picture at all, so I have tried to raise him the best I can with his father, who basically caters to him and closes his eyes to all the things that need addressing. To put it mildly, my SS is a habitual liar, disrespectful, uncaring, sloppy. He REFUSES to abide by any rule he does not agree wim and will not change any behaviour on his part. He has endured every form of punishment we (mostly me) have come up with and nothing changes. He does not care about school, and has told us he doesn't care about us either and is just waiting until his 18 birthday so he can leave, but has given no thought to getting a job. He says the only thing worth doing in his life is hanging out with his freinds, and nothing that isn't "fun" is worth the effort. This is all so unacceptable to me, and I am constantly stressed out and depressed when he is around. My husband is in denial about alot of what is going on, and says he just wants to keep the peace until the kid leaves. It has started to affect our relationship, and it's the only thing we ever fight about. I hope I can make it through this next year; but what if the SS is still after that? What am I to do then?
same here. my ss is 16. I
same here. my ss is 16. I hope I can make it till he's 18 but its like his attitude and the tention between us is getting worse by the day. he told his sister he didn't like me and now he knows why his brother moved out. he said he was thinking of moving out:jawdrop: That actually makes me happy. Don't think he'll actually do it tho but it kinda makes me wanna be stricter to help him out on that decision. I'm awful i guess but I'm so exhausted lately. I'm also afraid he won't leave when he's 18
It drives me crazy when
It drives me crazy when people pick and choose which ADHD symptoms apply at the time. Lying IS an adverse side effect of ADHD. "Difficulties with concentration, mental focus, and inhibition of impulses and behaviors" Lack of impulse is the screaming base of ADHD. Most lies are born of impulse and a desire to hide negative behavior are they not? My BS10 has ADHD. It's a constant battle with people who think they 'know' how it is. Well let me tell ya! People who can't understand my son are a dime a dozen right along side the people who judge me for deciding to have him on meds. It's been a long hard road (four years) to find the right Rx for him that wouldn't take away his spark yet allowed him to get through a minute of school without climbing over a row of desks on his knees because he saw something shiny on the other side of the room. ADHD sucks. As the BM to my boy it sucks. Four sucky years with my son and myself being looked down upon sucks. I can't imagine being a SM in that situation. Here's what I see...SS is a turd. No doubt about it. SM is an easy target. Shame shame to the head in the sand BD, a kid with a medical condition that is being untreated? If the boy had Diabetes would he be denied insulin? If the SMs are going to be denied rights of decision making yet be expected to deal with a disorder that effects her...perhaps people should be focusing on the father who refuses to do all he can to help his son and allows that son to put undue strain on his wife.
Sugarplum, your comments
Sugarplum, your comments rang very true to me. I have recently come to the conclusion that I can't be my 15-year-old stepson's guardian angel and I need to set a clear boundary.
His situation is unfortunate: His mother is a drunk and is father is too filled with guilt over the divorce to discipline him. In addition, his mother is also looking to keep him a baby for the rest of his life: she lays out his clothes for him, fixes him french fries as an entree and always agrees that he should put off his homework to rest after a hard day at school.
I saw this as a situation that I could make better. I come from a family with a strong work ethic and believe that self-reliance gives an individual the confidence to succeed in a variety of areas.
And the more I tried to introduce good habits into his life, the more I fought with his father, the less his mother required of him at home.
My 15yo SS shows up at my door every Friday night after a week of no homework, being allowed to stay out to 2am in MANHATTAN and spending all his time around the house in front of the TV. I have some simple chores for him: empty all the trash bins on the 2nd floor, walk the dogs 2x a day and bring your laundry to the mudroom on Sunday night. Which of these chores ever get done? None. Why? He can't "remember" them all. He's too "tired" from school. His mother doesn't think he needs to do stuff at "this house."
He's failed multiple classes every semester - not sure when the school will say "enough!"
His language skills have steadily deteriorated since junior high, saying things like "homeworks" and "more easy" - even though his parents and I are all college-educated and articulate.
It's gotten to the point where my stomach is in knots all the time he's around. I have a fairly stressful job and I find myself yearning for my office because I know he won't be there.
I have to say enough. I didn't bring him into the world and it's not my job to see that he gets a good start in it when my opinion receives no support from his parents. I love my husband and even thought I have wanted a biological child previously, I know I would never have one now. I don't want to be a single parent and he doesn't have any parenting skills.
I want my house to be peaceful and hoped it would be when my stepson went off to college. With college looking less and less likely, I've drawn the line in the sand: He is never living with us full-time, regardless of his situation. If he even needed a "place to crash" as a lazy, not-very-bright adult, I know my divorce papers would be filed before a week passed.
Sad to think that my marriage hangs on that, but it's true.
You're not abnormal. I
You're not abnormal. I wonder how many stepdads feel the pressure to like/love their stepkids? It seems like society expects you, as a woman, to naturally bond with and love children, whether they're yours biologically or not. I know I felt guilty for admittedly not liking my stepson (mostly due to the behavior, the lying, it's just something I cannot stand, lying that is). I also watch my daughter interact lovingly with my FH and I feel badly that I don't have that with my stepson but it is what it is. I wish I had some advice for you but this is something I struggle with from time to time.
I feel the pain also as a
I feel the pain also as a stepdad, trust me! SD16 drives me up the wall. When my DW and I got together 3 years ago. SD16 and I had a very close relationship, that was before i actually knew her. She is a spoiled brat and constantly whines about everything that doesnt go her way! Sometimes i really belive she is a just a toddler because of the voices/noises that she makes. How she gets straight A's is beyond me? its 24/7 drama central...i have tried to disengage and have for the most part. I would love to get home from work and relax with my DW that I love with all my heart. But as soon as I get near home, i can feel the stress/tension begining. I also wish i could give some advice, but i am struggling also!
You know the old phrase,
You know the old phrase, "You can't make anyone loive you?"
It works both ways.
I honestly would have a tough time "liking" someone like that too. Perefectly normal.
Maybe just "tolerate" their presence?
As far as stepdads, guess my
As far as stepdads, guess my screen name speaks for itself lol. But seriously, I am currently going through a very similar situation with the lying and all I can say is it has taken its toll on this entire family. DW was very honest when we first got together about SD and how she had it tough with BD. She needed to know that I would be the type of person who loved and didnt judge...was accepting. I knew I was that kind of person anyway but what I didn't know was what a lying backstabbing two faced kid SD was. Regretfully we found out when we went to court for a change in custody just how bad of a liar she really was. After a year of her complaining and crying she was terrified to go to her BDs house on his weekends, she tells us he is physically and emotionally abusing her. Well what could we do, we went back to court on the premise that she would tell the courts what she had told us. She swore she would even though she was scared. Even the day of court she said "Mommy I will just tell the truth and it will be ok!" Well guess what, she went into court and did the complete opposite. Told the Judge she was fine, it was her mother who misunderstood and that if anything she wanted to live with her BD full time! I can say from my own experience that lying is one of the most DANGEROUS things to be around with SKids...After what I saw what she was capable of doing to her mother, I don't feel comfortable even being around her. God forbid she decides to make up a story and lie about me! Since that day I told my wife that I will never be alone with her and she is to take her wherever she goes. DW thinks i'm out of my mind and then I remind her..."Hey has the knife wound in your back healed yet?" Sorry my response is so long but 1) it's totally ok not to like OR love you SD...EVER! 2) If the bio parent doesn't see what is so bad about lying you really need to take precautions to protect yourself. Good luck!
Have a 16 and a half year
Have a 16 and a half year old step son...
can't say I have any affinity or preferance for him. All I see is a spoiled kid who is lazy.
At least he doesn't talk much and is not loud because that would pout me over the edge.
I can tolerate him OK.... unlike his adult sister ( who I loathe)
Just glad he has a home and mother because I would not do well with a lazy kid in my home.
I only pray his bio mother stays alive long enough to where he does not become a burden on me and has to come live with us. His mother is a heavy drinker and smoker...
I want to say... if I only
I want to say... if I only knew all these kid issues would come into my marriage, and that I had a guilty dad, would never havce married...
its all benn very unfair to me
I think a lot of times we as
I think a lot of times we as step parents feel we should have the same unconditional love and liking for our stepkids that our spouses have. The fact of the matter is that a relationship with stepkids takes work and loving and liking them comes over time. The more difficult the child is, the harder it is to build that loving/liking relationship.
That has been my experience anyway.
Take care.
I can't believe how many
I can't believe how many step parents feel this way. I think my SS's are the most ungrateful children ever. We have put them through private schools for years now and after the older one finished high school he has turned down an offer for uni so that he can get his "fork lift" licence and work. His mom is fine with this??
SS # 2 is on his way here now and my head is already starting to hurt. He will come in, say nothing and expect us to put up with it all weekend. We have twin boys a year older than him and they have tried to let him join in but it just doesn't work. My kids have friends over all the time and my SS will never invite anyone over. I don't think it's fair that my kids have to let him tag along.
I just keeps getting harder, the older he gets. He feels that he can do whatever he wants and we should bow down to him. He won't do anything we do as a family. He says, "it's not for me" We make him come along but he just sits there and won't join in. I am at my wits end.If he was my kid, he'd be grounded without TV, facebook, the works. His mom does nothing. He has been caught shoplifting, she didn't even tell us. We found out through the school and when we asked her to punish him, she said she would but didn't.
I'd ask for advice but it seems we are all in the same boat. I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't like her SS!
Wow, I'm with you as well.
Wow, I'm with you as well. I've tried to like my oldest stepdaughter, but I can't stand her and I don't trust her. The lies, stealing, sneaking around and overall creepy behavior. Her mother was diagnosed as a sociopath and this girl has all the syptoms. My husband even said that he was having a hard time just liking her or being in the same room with her for any length of time. What do you do? She's 14 and I feel like I'm living out a 4 year prison term. I feel so much resentment and bitterness towards this girl and I can't stand looking at her.
Oh my gosh! Bgran63, I
Oh my gosh! Bgran63, I think you and I are living a parallel life! I feel exactly the same way about my SD14...she is constantly lying, stealing, sneaking around, and the looks she gives me and my to BK when we are together are downright scary. She creeps me out, and I think my DH is starting to feel the same way. I have the hardest time wanting to do anything for her or with her, and having to be around her makes me cringe lately. It's so good to know that I am not alone in how I feel. I think it is very apparent that there are a lot of us that feel this way.