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Getting my own place???

WalkOnBy's picture

Had a long talk with DH last night - told him that I really needed things to change, that I am sick and tired of tip toeing around an asshole skid, that something's gotta give.

He said, "maybe it's time for you to get that apartment. I have to finish raising these kids."

Oh, okay then.

Who has successfully maintained two households and NOT ended up divorced? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Comments

Monchichi's picture

Holy goats balls. I am stunned. "I have to finish raising these kids" --- well if you were raising them WOB's H then there would not be the issues WOB has :jawdrop:

Ninji's picture

:jawdrop: I would be floored, but maybe it will be a good thing for you. ASS is horrible and will not be leaving at 18.

WokeUpABug's picture

The day I move to an apartment at my husbands suggestion is the day I file for divorce. "I need to finish raising these kids" sounds like the kids are more important to him than your marriage. I know separate living works for some on here, but it would NOT for me.

WalkOnBy's picture

this is my sentiment, wokeup. I really don't think I would be able to stay in a marriage on those terms. Mulling over my options....

Andie91801's picture

It might be a good thing for you. Seems he doesn't want to continue to work on what you both started together so I think it's time you start to live YOUR life now, not us any more. (Hug!!!)

A.

WalkOnBy's picture

you must be in his head, tommar. And, you're right, I think this is exactly what he is thinking/feeling/whatevering.

The only thing I disagree with is that he thinks he's wrong. I don't believe that one - he thinks he is doing what is right.

I know he's wrong, you know he's wrong, the whole world knows he's wrong, but until HE knows he's wrong? Not much I can do but keep on keeping on.

WalkOnBy's picture

okay, what about this? I go to Target and buy a stupid cheap toaster, cut the cord and leave it in the pantry?

ctnmom's picture

I think his denial, hell ,this whole situation, is toxic to YOU. I'd take my ball and go home, wave the white flag- get my own place and watch my blood pressure go down 10 points a day. You're pulling all the weight, Walk. You're the only one trying to affect change. How easy would it be for he and his kids without you there! They could wallow 24/7 in their own crapulence! From my perspective, and that is reading your posts (and I believe you to be being honest and truthful with us), it just ain't worth it. You'll realize how "not worth it" when you have your peace of mind back. Good luck and God bless, no matter what you decide to do, you know we are all rooting for you.

WalkOnBy's picture

I am (maybe not) sorry to say that I share your sentiments. It's not good for my marriage. I don't know how I feel about it right now.

notasm3's picture

To me it's not even that he is choosing the kids over you. He just wants you out of his home and his life. That's a crystal clear message. Sorry.

Monchichi's picture

I am reading all of your perspectives here. I haven't been on here long enough to know all of WOB's history but I am going to throw out there it's more than 7 years. Her husband is behaving like a complete imbecilic moron. And to be very frank the "mother" figure is always to blame in their eyes.

My H had the same problem before I married him. "Why don't you try harder. You can change how Chucky is towards you. You are the adult."

So what I did was send him to parent his child for 3 months every other weekend at his parents house. My H got to see that once I was removed from the equation his son didn't become more cooperative. He didn't become cleaner. He didn't love dad more.

What did happen is my H realised that he relaxed the rules more for peace. And parenting like I do is really hard work. That he cannot and does not want to do it without me.

Walk I know you have been on a longer and at times harder road than me. Follow tommar's advice. If you have somewhere to go, go now. Today. Let him see just what it's all about. It doesn't take long for them to understand we are not prime evil one they are faced with cold hard facts.

She once gave me the advice of sticking to my ultimatum and not moving the goal post. So much changed for me after I followed it.

moeilijk's picture

Yeah. Your (D)H has made a lot of big mistakes with you and with his kids. Even if he comes to terms with that and wants to try to heal his relationship with you, he may have gone too far with that statement.

I have in my head a whole list of how he's put himself in between you and ASS and then complained about being in the middle, which is a huge problem in the best of circumstances. But so what? Who cares how wrong he is or the ways in which he is wrong?

I would leave immediately. You're still recovering from that dental surgery, so I'm guessing you're not really in a position to pack up your shit and find a new place today. But I would line up friends and family to come get you and your stuff this weekend. And (D)H can sleep on the couch until then.

You've already put up with too much. You can't put up with all this shit on a daily basis to not even have a deep and trusting love with DH left at the end. No one can. It's all about being happy, and there's no way anyone feels happy with their partner threatening their relationship. That's about power and control, so take yours back.

And I'm so sorry. So, so sorry. What a shock.

Willow2010's picture

Ok…Now my situation was not exactly like this but it would have been if I had married DH. But I would not marry or live with him for 7-8 years. We did live about 3 blocks away though. It was great. I did not have to deal with the step shit and I still was with the man I love almost every day for at least a little while. It can work.

But I was more than willing to do that. So was my DH. Not sure if you would be comfy with that or not. But really…think about this…you get a NICE, ONE/TWO bedroom apartment and you can do what you want when you want without any skids around. Oh yea. I would seriously consider it for all of your sakes.

And for the record. I TOTALLY understand your feelings on all of this. BUT…I also understand your DH’s feelings. It just sucks for you all. Sorry.

WalkOnBy's picture

See, I am a mom who never said my kids came first. They were always my first priority, but not at the expense of the adults.

And let's face it - my H doesn't put his kids first. He puts not having conflict first....

over step's picture

Why is that we steps are the reason that our partners and their children have so many problems? My thought is that if they were so good before us and had such a wonderful relationship, how could one person destroy that without even trying?

It's time they stop blaming us and start looking at themselves. We are not standing in their ways. They are. We are just an easy target and expendable.

thisisnotmocking's picture

X's daughter's horrible behavior was my fault when I lived there.

Amazingly enough, many months after I left and she got herself into serious trouble... It was still somehow my fault. She was acting like a jackass well after I was gone and she had her "woman of the house" title back because I hated her.

Yes, that's what he said.

WalkOnBy's picture

this morning I used the word expendable. He said he wanted to be married to me.

I said those two things were incongruous, then snorted and walked out of the room.

moeilijk's picture

But it's HOW this all came up.

In the middle of an argument, where you're asking your husband to PLEASE take a stand and protect you from his surly teen... he says, "You know what honey, I love you and want to be married to you, but I think you should move out because I don't want to actually make my kids uncomfortable long enough to help them become successful adults. I'd rather risk my future with you and avoid the conflict."

So yeah. Not presented as a solution at all.

WalkOnBy's picture

and that's what I said last night - that all he was doing was empowering them and teaching them that if they just behave surly enough, they can bully anyone they want right out of his life.

Nice lesson, huh??

WalkOnBy's picture

I don't know what she will say, Sally. Our - or maybe it's just me now - next appointment is next Wednesday.

moeilijk's picture

Well, that's a bummer.

You know what, just take some time for yourself and see if a path clears itself in your head. If you've got the dimes, head out to a motel for a couple of nights, one with a bathtub, and just exit this drama stage right, even if only until you regroup.

WalkOnBy's picture

My BFF is in Oklahoma attending to her elderly parents and won't be back til Sunday. I have a key, so I will probably take Sheba and head over to her house for a few days.

Don't want to be spending those dimes right now - gotta save them for a security deposit, I guess.

notasm3's picture

"I want to monkey nut punch him. Repeatedly."

I think there will be a long line of us wanting to monkey nut punch him.

hereiam's picture

okay, what about this? I go to Target and buy a stupid cheap toaster, cut the cord and leave it in the pantry?

Nope. Thrift store toaster, make it so that it doesn't work, let him plug it in and sit there waiting for it to toast.

As for your question about living separate, I think it can work, HOWEVER, in most cases that I've read about (on here) it's the step parent that makes that decision (WITH their partner) to get their own place. Your DH saying what he said so that he does not have to deal with his kid being an ass is insulting. Especially after him pretending that he wants to do something about the situation.

And pretending that he needs to "finish" raising them. That would be fine if that was his intention but really he just wants to continue letting them do whatever with no resistance and no headache for him.

It's not just ASS's attitude that is the problem, it's your DH's.

"maybe it's time for you to get that apartment.

"Maybe it's time I stick my foot up your ass."

Tuff Noogies's picture

"really he just wants to continue letting them do whatever with no resistance and no headache for him."

i hope that's not the case. i hope he sees his wife suffering because of his kid, and i hope wants to spare his wife the ordeal.

hope.... Sad Sad Sad

DarkStar's picture

Problem is.......if WOB gets her own place, it's not going to be all roses and creamsicles when the kids turn 18.

It's pretty obvious that ASS will not launch.....and DH will not be a man and kick him to the curb.

I think if WOB moves out, that's going to be it. Her DH will sink even more into Daddy denial and do more of his "not-raising" his kids

An additional monkey-nut punch to your DH from me!!!! Friggin idiots, these men.

I'm sorry, WOB.

WalkOnBy's picture

Yup - I think if I move out, I will have no other choice than to see it for what it is - the end of my marriage. I always thought it was all about ASS, but when I told DH it would only be hell for less than a year, he told me nope, you hate the other two as well.

Um, no, I don't, but thanks for telling me how I feel.

Funny, he seems to be man enough to kick ME to the curb, but not ASS.

Okay, then.

Ninji's picture

I get so sick of that shit. "You hate my kids" Really? I'm the only adult in their lives that does any real parenting!

TheAccidentalSM's picture

Wow. Hugs

Your DH is being really dumb. He is teaching ASS that being obnoxious is the perfect way to get what he wants. ASS wants you gone and he's going to take your departure as validating his strategy. *slow claps* Well done WOB's DH you are really parenting now... NOT.

Stepped in what momma's picture

^^^^This!^^^^
Accidental SM lined it out. ASS knows he won the game as soon as you move out, you DH is allowing his children to run his life. Even when you have kids you have the right as a human to have your own life, your own interest, hobbies, stress outlets, etc. and by allowing his child to be an asshole he is essentially running his dads life by deciding to be rude to the person his dad chose to be with.

ItsGrowingOld's picture

The only thing I know about 2nd marriages is that the divorce rate is high. Somewhere along the line of 67%+ for 2nd marriages and 73%+ for 3rd marriages. Personally, I can see why divorce is high the 2nd time around. We live that reality.

You want things to change because you are tired of walking on egg shells around an ASShole punk teenager. (I WOULD BE TOO!!!!!) And this is your DH's answer to it... "maybe it's time for you to get that apartment. I have to finish raising these kids."

This is how I would interpret his answer. That it is ME that needs to change. And after further thought, I'd also consider his response passive aggressive. His response to your needs, in a home I assume you help pay for, would be a huge turn off for me. Ish. Just Ish Sad

Move! Get away from the insanity. In fact, I'd go no contact for at least 3 months. Why do WE have to put up with so much and get so little in return.

Or, here's another long shot option to save your marriage?? Engage ASS. Let him know that you and DH are head of household. Give ASS YOUR list. And if ASS doesn't like it, then let him know there is a one way bus ticket to his mom's house waiting for him. In fact, the younger two may welcome this. It sounds like they really don't like their big brother. ASS makes everyone uncomfortable in your house. That means ASS has all the power! Fuck that!

I'm not passing judgement on you when I say this... you really should have had that shit head hauled away by the authorities when he got physical with you. Now ASS has that taste of "raw physical power" over women. He'll do this to other women down the road. NOBODY should EVER lay a mean spirited hand on you. EVER! No kid, husband, or SO is worth it. IMHO, ASS isn't experiencing typical teenage angst. There is something wrong with him. Really wrong.

I feel sad for you. I really do Sad Good luck with whatever decision you make. There is no easy answer.... Says itsgrowingold who wishes she would have never gotten involved with a man that divorced a mentally ill BM (NPD and high anxiety) that got custody of the children and raised them to be emotionally crippled and entitled and subsequently learning the hard way that DH does.not.know.how.to.hold.his.children.accountable.for.their.rotten.behavior.

((HUGS))

BethAnne's picture

How are the younger kids? Are they ok on the whole? If ASS wasn't there would things be a lot more bearable for everyone?

Because in theory you shouldn't have more than a year more with ASS at home should you?

The way I see it, you two need a plan to get through the next x months as a family, as a couple and as far as setting ASS up to be independent in his own place and out of the house. If you guys were to lay out absolutely all of the options on the table, you moving out for x months could be one of the options. But there needs to be more to the plan to get ASS out of the house after x months too and to maintain your marriage. If that option isn't going to work for you then finding other options that better suit you two is needed.

I think that acknowledging that it is an option but that for xyz reasons you are not comfortable with it is ok. Then trying to come up with some other options together that will help you get to your goal of a more peaceful household and ASS becoming somewhat independent.

I know that you are hurting right now but I would say that you should give your husband a pass and try coming back and having a rational discussion about it when you are both calm and have had time to process. Then you can present your reasons why you are against it and try to work out other ways around the issues. He hasn't said that he wants a divorce outright, so don't jump the gun just yet. He is just frustrated and trying to look for a solution. From what you have written it sounds like you guys have talked about it before if only in passing so it isn't completely outrageous that he bring it up now, even if it isn't the best idea.

I would be tempted to say that a great alternative option would be to help ASS get his own place now (instead of you). Pay for a room in a shared house, tell him that the rent and bills and a small allowance for food will be paid for for x months to get him through the rest of high school plus a couple of extra months for transition and then he needs to work out how he is going to pay for it after that.

Tuff Noogies's picture

i've been trying to thoughtfully type out my response, but you said it so much better than i ever could. only OP and her AHH know if it's worth salvaging.

robin333's picture

What an ASS. Hugs. Honestly, I know you love your DH, but you might realize that you are happier, with a peaceful environment away from them.

I'd like to hit your DH too.

WalkOnBy's picture

I have three, one who is married and two who are juniors in college. H has three, two in high school and one in middle school.

Delilah's picture

I have been following your story for quite some time now and it doesnt seem like dh is making much, if any, progress in terms of his parenting and attitude when it comes to you vs the skids. I get that he has to step up and be dad (if thats what he calls it) as they have no one else but I am not sure if he seriously thinks YOU are being 100% serious when it comes to him either doing something or you leave. I am sure he believes that even IF you do move out that you will hang on in there until hes semi ready to welcome you back into the fold. God knows how long that would take given ASS seems hell bent on being destructive and disruptive, amd would take not only you moving out as a victory but would try and cling on to dh in order to screw up any future you had together, and dh would fall for if in all likelihood.

How long and how much effort are you going to invest in dh with hardly any improvement?!

ctnmom's picture

Delilah articulated what I was clumsily trying to say above. How much effort? How much, before you lose what makes you, YOU?

DaizyDuke's picture

Ya know, there were a couple of times when SD17 was living with us that I told DH that maybe it would be better if I moved into our rental house because the dynamic of the four of us (DH, me, BS5 and SD17) was simply not working and there really was no "fixing" it. And trust me there were a couple of times that I really, truly thought about packing my shit and doing just that.

But holy Hannah on a cracker, if DH told me that it would be better if I moved out? I sure as shit would have been gone. Because to me, that is saying, "I don't want you here anymore." and sorry, but I'm a prideful, hardnosed bitch and if my DH made a statement like that, you better believe I would be in the process of packing my shit and letting him "raise his kids" all on his little own.

WalkOnBy's picture

We touched on living apart very briefly with our therapist a few months back. And, I have always said that H can live with ASS at the end of this school year or with me, but not both.

Looks like I will cashing that check that my big fat ass wrote - lol!!

WTF...REALLY's picture

Marriage is hard. And add other people kids to it - and it extra hard.

First - I am so sorry you are hurting. Such a heartache. Sad

You have gotten a lot of support from your side of things. Let me give thoughts from your Dh's side. (As I have been there with my hubby)

My hubby was not a good parent and neither is Denture Debbie. I was shocked to watch the parenting going on in my home. We fought like crazy about it. We almost divorced. Lots of words going back and forth. I mentioned getting a divorce.

Then words from my hubby that has never left my mind is this. "I can't ALWAYS be wrong. It can'y always be my fault. I can't live in a home where I have to walk on egg shells around my wife because she thinks I am a failure. I can't kick SD out, nor will I. She needs her dad. I feel like I can't do anything right. No one should feel this way all the time. I simply can't always be wrong. Maybe we should get a divorce."

I realized I was going overboard with my criticism. I felt so bad making the man I love feel this way. And men need to feel like a champ in their home. Yes, he was not a great parent, but I was not a great wife to make him feel this way. We decided to try to make it work again. Every time I saw him do something good as a dad, I complimented him. Every time. In a sincerer way. (reinforcing the good behavior) and it really helped. Plus I stopped stressing over the little things. (like the toaster, I would of just put it away myself if I was ready to cook for myself. We also share a small space. It's nice to be nice)

Men are way more fragile than women. They have ego's that need to be told how epic they are. I find something to compliment my hubby on daily. Really changed things with him. SO when I now and then need to say something about his parenting, he also knows I think he is a rock star.

This is just my experience, I hope you find it helpful.

You and I both deal with steps full time and BM that are LOSERS and out of the picture.

Cadence's picture

^^^^^^ This x 1000.

Men need to feel respected by their woman. W.O.B. has been very focused for a very long time on what her husband is doing wrong, and he's lost the will to keep trying. What's in it for him? A wife who constantly criticizes him and whose presence sets off his explosive son? Whichever way he turns someone is telling him how awful he is, and from where I'm sitting, he seems like a pretty good guy.

W.O.B. from what I've read, your husband has stepped up. He's attending therapy with you, he's taken away technology from ASS and moved his room to one he enjoys less. And this has been hard for him, because change is hard. He's worn out. And instead of being his soft place to land in all of the strife, you've got snappy comments and sarcasm about what he's gotten wrong.

I have made the same mistake as you, but it was with a crazy BM. I got so angry and frustrated that I took it out on my man. Our relationship dissolved. He had no motivation to change things to be with me. BM criticized him, and then he turned around and I was criticizing him. What on earth would motivate him to keep making all of these unfamiliar (and therefore frightening and draining) changes if he could never win with me?

I'd seriously back up and rethink this. You're about to call his bluff and move out. I see this man as just wanting some peace in his life, and wishing it were with you. But he sees he cannot possibly make you happy, and so he's stopped trying. And you played a part in that.

Men are very fragile creatures. They need to know that the woman in their life admires them. They need to be spoken to with respect and they need to be trusted. Just as ASS has been at war with you and your household, you've been at war with DH with the way you've been treating him.

I want you to know that even though I was straightforward in this message, I get it. I get how it got to this. But really think about what you're about to lose, because this guy has made you happy aside from his kids. And maybe the answer is doing something different like apologizing for your attitude and how much you've hurt him, and vowing to not let ASS tear apart your marriage by continuing to have faith in your DH.

A little secret is that if you're frustrated with a DH who does genuinely love you is to love him more. Concentrate on what he gets right. Let the small stuff go. Soon you'll have a man who is putty in your hands and wants to do things to make you happy, because he knows he can win!

I've changed my ways and we're more in love than ever. I was a bad girlfriend to him, and it took taking it to the brink for me to realize it. I was self-righteous and thought my behavior was justified. It wasn't. Of course he didn't want to be with me anymore! Now the stress of BM cannot touch us because he's fully on my team. I've never felt so supported and trusted him so much that he'd not let BM cause trouble anymore. He's fierce about protecting me from her bullshit, and he's never been like this before. And it's because I respect him and I'm someone who creates a place for him to leave the rest of the world behind. It wouldn't be like this if I didn't do that.

It may be more tricky because ASS is in the same household, but I guarantee if you change your view to being a loving wife who unfailingly believes in your DH and is his biggest supporter, you'll see changes.

Tuff Noogies's picture

once upon a time Echo gave me very similar advice. it can work, and worked incredibly well in my case. however, there has to still be something there, and we dont know if there is between WoB and her dh, or if all the chaos has completely eroded it away...

ChiefGrownup's picture

Don't have any advice but I'm touched by your predicament. Can only relay how a roughly (very roughly) similar moment played out for DH and me.

SDthen13 was hell on wheels. For the entire 3 months we had been married I was in shock at her behavior and dh's responses to it. I had asked him a thousand times to do something about her. Not much changed.

So I told him, "If she needs so much of your attention, perhaps I should live in my own house on weekends. I'll even take ssthen11 with me so she can freely have the 100% of you she apparently needs." I was not being snarky, I was trying to save myself and my feelings for him.

DH looked like he'd seen a ghost when I said that. That is the one defining moment of our marriage where DH suddenly put his shoulder to the wheel and really started trying to parent that kid. There have been many uphill climbs since that moment but always the graph shows steady improvement. DH made it very clear I was important to him and he wanted me in his house.

If he had said the opposite -- why don't you move out because I'm not gonna try any harder with my hellion daughter -- I think I would have been out that day. Not saying it's the right or advisable approach. But I could not bear to be where I was not wanted for 1 second.

SDnow16 may think she hates me and is furiously "wronged" by her father, but in fact it has been a great benefit to her that we stayed together and I am still in the house. DH can see that.

I just can't picture myself staying when a spouse said that to me. Again, it may very well be the wrong move, but he is pretty much saying "if you stay, you can't 'complain' any more about my kid. Or me." So if you have no voice in your own life, how can you breathe? how can you love?

WalkOnBy's picture

" So if you have no voice in your own life, how can you breathe? how can you love?"

That is what I have to figure out.

notasm3's picture

My only advice to you is that IF you move out (that's the big decision that only you can make) cut all ties. Erect an iron curtain. None of this half way when it's convenient for him crap. If he cannot commit to your marriage there is nothing you can do to "nice" him back.

Do not let yourself become the booty call when he's horny. If after this he truly WANTS to win you back you can choose to give him that opportunity IF you want to. But refuse to accept crumbs.

misSTEP's picture

Wow. I cannot believe that he is such an ostrich that he has deluded himself into thinking it is you OR his kids. Good thing that he is perfect and has no blame at all. Because I kind of get the feeling that if HE wasn't in the picture, you and ASS wouldn't be at each others throats as much as you are.

He is obviously not 100% in this marriage. It is a total cop out to want you to move out when he hasn't even TRIED to do much of anything differently.

I'd have to say, even with my skids aged out and no BM drama anymore, I'd almost jump at the chance to have my own place to retreat to when I wanted. Of course, that would also be my own idea.

I cannot believe that your H thinks that ending your marriage and you moving out (I think they will be one and the same) is easier than setting boundaries and parenting rather than letting your children do whatever the hell they feel like doing!

I'd be SOOO out of there. He doesn't feel like he needs you around and he doesn't deserve you.

thinkthrice's picture

UGH! He's showing you who is number one--and it's not you. Probably until he feels the STING of the loss of your income.

"I have to finish SPOILING these kids" (there, fixed it)