miserablenva1's picture

Unable to bond/love SS

I don't have an adult stepchild first of all. He is 11. The hard thing about it is, no matter what I do, I can not manage to care for him at all. I hate the weekends that he comes over or any extra time. I have been married for almost 5 years and every fight we've had is about my inability to love this child. I love my husband desperately and I wish that I felt differently about his son but, I don't. I feel horrible about it but I think we will end up divorcing because the fights are too horrible. We don't have children and when we were planning to, he shot it down by saying that he didn't feel it would be fair to have a child and not be able to love one that is already here. Deep down, I think I resent him for that. I never wanted to marry a man with kids and now I feel horrible for doing it. I don't know what to do because I have tried to feel differently. We've even been to counseling and nothing changed. Can anyone offer help?


stepmom008's picture

Well, first he needs to

Well, first he needs to realize that just because you love HIM doesn't mean that you have to love his child and it's not fair that he expect that of you. May I ask what it is about SS that you don't like? Was there a particular incident that made you feel this way? Is it DH's parenting or lack thereof that's led to a dislike for his son? And why is he calling all the shots about having children?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

miserablenva1's picture

Thanks for the support! My

Thanks for the support! My stepson was a spoiled brat in the beginning. He is better now but, since his mom got married, she has started to send him to us all of the time! He is supposed to visit every other weekend. Lately, he has started coming for weeks at a time even while n school! My husband does not question her as to what is going on but agrees to keep him even though his schedule will not allow him to pick him up or care for him. It all falls on me! We have fought about this constantly. I feel that if he agrees to care for him, that is his responsibility, not mine. He says that as a stepmom , it is my duty to help him. I totally disagree and I don't think the mother is being honest and just wants more alone time with her new husband. It infuriates me!

stepmom008's picture

But if it's your "duty" to

But if it's your "duty" to help care for him, then it's his duty to include you in any and all decisions. He can't do whatever he wants and expect you to pick up the slack. Just my opinion Smiling

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

sandye21's picture

The SS could be acting our

The SS could be acting our because he feels unwanted but the increased caring for the SS is not the situation you married into. It is also unfair of DH to expect you to love his son, especially if the SS is so miserable to be around. You are right - it is not yur responsibility to care for him. It's a lot easier for DH to attack you than to straighten out his son. If DH is paying child support, BM should be questioned about the change in 'visitation'.

ChaiLatte's picture

I am so sorry for your pain.

I am so sorry for your pain. Stepchildren are not tests we must either pass or fail in order to determine if we should have children of our own. If your husband wants to keep you from having a child of your own, and that is important to you, do you really want to continue in this situation. There are so many reasons why a person does not bond with a child. All personalities do not mesh. Do not allow him to put doubts in your mind that you can be a good mother to your own child just because you don't have those kinds of feelings for his son. If you are good to his son, and take care of responsibilities that make his life easier, your husband should be more appreciative than this.

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

"There comes a time when you have to surrender the idea of what your children could be to the reality of who they are."

StepCHill's picture

It sucks to love a person so

It sucks to love a person so deeply (your SO) and not the children. For me, I think the hardest part is that SS3 is a product of MY love and his ex's love for eachother. As much as they dont get along now, at once they were a "happy little family." It is probably just my jealousy but I just can't seem to get past th at. THEY were once in love. THEY used to have sex. THEY planned having a child together. THEY had a wedding together. THEY went shopping and had excitement for a new baby. THEY were in a hospital room together and MY SO was coaching her along. I know he loves me, but I can't seem to get past that. I like SS3 most of the time, and I know i'm probably supposed to love him but I just can't. I can't take it when hes a brat. I dont think a lot of the stuff he does is cute. It dosent hurt my feelings when he cries when he's in time out, etc. It is very hard to bond with a child when they are not your own. I'm sorry you are feeling this way b/c I sort of feel guilty sometimes for having these feelings. My SO said the same thing about having another child. While we are no where near having children now, we have discussed the possiblity. I was upset b/c I was thinking, "well why would you love a child you have with someone you dislike so much but you wouldn't love ours as much?" I felt there was something wrong with me. Sad

StepCHill's picture

Oh, and the fact that SS3

Oh, and the fact that SS3 has been such a douche these past few weeks dosen't help the irritated feeling I get when he's around....

Snowbunny's picture

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soverysad's picture

I guess it never occurred to

I guess it never occurred to your dh that maybe his insistence that you love his kid and his dumping the kid on you without asking has something to do with your feelings? DH is taking advantage of you and making you feel guilty for it. You do NOT HAVE to love someone else's kid. Hell, I don't even like Creature. You have two responsibilities to your SS 1) Respect him and 2) Respect dh's relationship with him. You don't have any DUTY to take care of a kid that he and BM had together. They need to work that out amongst themselves. As for not having a kid with you because you don't love the one who is there, that is just an excuse. What he is really saying is "I don't want to inconvenience the child I all ready have". If you want a child, this should be a deal breaker. It would be for me. No matter how much I love my dh, if he refused me this wish because of how I feel about the spawn of another woman, he'd be sent right back to that woman to raise their little cherub together.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

Shannon61's picture

Soverysad nailed it! His

Soverysad nailed it! His insistence of not having kids based on your relationship with SS is a shallow excuse. DH is married to you and it seems like he's trying to make everyone else happy . except you. Ex is happy galavanting with new hubby, SS is happy as he gets to visit with daddy, DH is happy because he doesn't have to be bothered with the kid because you're the babysitter . .and you're miserable because you're being dumped on with a kid you don't like and you're being told you can't start your own family. Sit down and have a long talk with DH and tell him what you need, want and expect so you can also be happy. Your needs should be his first priority. It's time to put your foot down.

miserablenva1's picture

Well, it has been 5 days

Well, it has been 5 days since my husband spoke to me. We had a fight (as usual)when his son was here. The son has been coming more frequently for reasons unknown, atleast that what my husband says. I have tried to talk to him, but, he refuses. He has moved out of the bedroom which is what he does every time we argue. He refuses to believe that step parents may or may not be able to bond and love stepkids. As I said in my first entry, I have tried but I still have no feelings for his son. Its not because he is difficult because he is not. I just feel that he invades our time and my husband's style of parenting does not match mine. He is very lax and does not believe in a bedtime or making him clean up. He is 11 now. We have fought about this for the entire marriage. I had always said I would not marry a man with children because I did not know if I would get along with the child or the mother. My husband tells me it is my duty and responsibility to participate in doing things for his son. I don't think so. I think we are headed for a divorce because I dont see a solution to this.

soverysad's picture

It is not your duty to do

It is not your duty to do anything for his kid. Anything you do for him is a GIFT. Your dh is being an ass.

"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!

"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore

sandye21's picture

Your DH sounds like a

Your DH sounds like a narcissist. Going into another room to sleep. If he is doing this to punish you, reject you or to withold sex, this should stop - now. You say you think you are headed for divorce. You are still young enough to have children of your own. Do you want that child to grow up with DH's as an example?

christie's picture

m: I write this out of the

m: I write this out of the pain of experience. You are going to divorce. What you have some control over is when and how. I know you are in terrible pain and that this comment will not "help" in the traditional sense of giving comfort. But I hope that it will assist you in finding some clarity, which always "helps." You cannot help your lack of loving feelings for your ss. Your feelings may be wholly appropriate, grounded in specific facts, or not. Either way, they are your feelings and you cannot simply order up a different or better set of feelings. At the same time, it is important to your spouse that he makes his life with someone who "loves" his son, or can act like she does. He may not have realized when you were still unmarried to each other, that this is important to him. But he is trapped in the fact that it is important to him, and he, like you, can't simply decide to feel otherwise. Nothing is going to happen to make either of you change. you have control over only when you stop pretending, waiting for magic, and praying over the dead horse. Some would say that you should do it as soon as you know. Others would say take time to get finances and arrangements in order for being single again. No matter when or how you stop being with this person who needs you to be different than you are, and whom you need something from that he cannot give, it will be a boatload of pain. Do it when you can. Do it when you have the clarity to know that it is inevitable. Do it when you choose. But, please, son;t spend years of your life -- or his or the boy's -- waiting on affection that will not take root. All of you deserve better than that. None of you can pretend forever that this is anything other than a failed effort. Good intentions and best efforts all around, but failure nevertheless.

ccmcc

Boudicca's picture

I agree with everything said

I agree with everything said here. Also, moving out of the bedroom and not speaking to you for 5 days is emotionally abusive and doesn't help the situation at all. Is your SS there at the time? If so, it is a poor example to set an 11 year old.

old-blue-eyes's picture

It sounds like BM is now

It sounds like BM is now remarried and wants private time with her new dh and her son might be getting in the way of their romance, Now your dh hasn't even asked you how you feel that his son will be spending More time with you and dh. You didn't marry dh to spend time taking care of another mother's son. Plus the fact that he is blackmailing you by not wanting children in your current marriage because of this, and getting revenge by sleeping in another room, childish on his part because you are not that close to HIS son. That's cruel. You should ask him if this was in reverse how would he feel. You do not owe him the satisfaction of taking care of both. You married dh and got involved with him and not involved in his son. If you cannot make a go of it to be a threesome then it is time to be apart...

chickadee1444's picture

It is not fair that your

It is not fair that your husbandbrings his son to your house and can't spend time with him..you should not have to take up the slack..the boy is his child, not yours..no law says you have to love him.Best you put your foot down now before the kid moves in with you,.before long he will say "I want to live with my dad" and you won't have a choice in this either.His ex will probably be glad to be rid of him by the sounds of things.If he's a brat at your house, you can bet he's worse at home with a new stepdaddy.Good luck hun.

Dee

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