Step Talk

Well how about THIS:

Our delightful BM has not only turned his sister against us in quite dramatic style (don't want to go into the details but it ended up in a big fight). She has now ingratiated herself to his PARENTS! Who KNOW all the crap she puts us through and badmouth her all the time.

She turned up on their DOORSTEP the other day and invited herself (and the skids) to dinner!!!!!? Hello????!!!! How weird is THAT? AND they let her in!

Talk about betrayal. How do you think this makes me feel when his folks come over and I have to play nice when I know what is going on behind our backs. We only found out coz the skids told us. His parents have gone mysteriously quiet. . . . funny old thing.

DH told the bitch long ago to have no contact with his family but do you think she will listen when she sees a chance to wreck things for us? Not a chance.

So my poor DH (and me to some extent) have a very difficult relationship with his family through no fault of our own. We are plenty nice to them. They are just 2 faced! I feel sorry for him having such a 2 faced, disloyal family.

His Ex - evil, twisted, sick BITCH!!!!!!!!!!! As if her family would even give DH the time of day (mainly down to the untrue portrait she painted of him whenthey split). not that he is sad enough to maintain contact.

There is no point on challenging them on this issue as a) The bitch clearly won't listen and it would give her the satisfaction of knowing she is getting to us and b) His folks would either deny it or say they did it purely to see the kids. WE take the kids to see them all the time!!!

At least DH's brother has the sense to hate this a**hole!

ahh it is SO niceto VENT!!! You gotta love this site. X

I have been there as well. The ex shows up Christmas morning without SD (we have her) at MIL's with a gift. She had an affair on my DH almost 5 years ago and it was a nasty divorce and no one could stand her. Now MIL tells me she still calls her "MOM" and the two fmailies (the ex's and DH) have become closer...all for the sake of SD. That I would understand had SD been there Christmas morning or if MIL was kissing her ass because she was giving her more time with SD on her time but that isn't happening.

That's okay...her best friend..the one she had an affiar with her husband...and I and the rest of the group of friends have all become friends. Smile when you stab them.

Just another one of their sick BM games. They use their own kids like pawns so why not include all of DH's family in that too? It means nothing to them but it makes them feel important and like they have control (which is afterall what this is ALL about)!

Thing is, you can't dictate to adults who they see! Just makes for very awkward family relations. It isn't like BM or her BF have to put up with it in HER family! Perhaps I should turn up onthe doorstep and invite myself in for dinner. On second thoughts, I might catch something. . .

MY sis in law in the middle of giving me a relax massage, tells me she is going to re establish someday relationship with BM. I told her none of my business, she can do what she wants. But selfish part of me than thinks are nieces not going to call me Aunty anymore, because then they will be spending time with first aunty, the ex. This made me think I will not even try to get any closer to my sis in law. I have done her favors, and now no more....I do feel that is a loyalty issue to me.

Dh's ex is not only BEST FRIENDS with DH's sister (who is not really the type of person we would befriend anyways) she has befriended DH's BEST FRIEND. A guy, to whom she has nothing in common with OTHER than DH. Seriously.... wtf- She tries to be my "best friend". I can handle getting along with her to "co parent" but she has crossed the line in thinking we are "best friends" so I have put some much needed distance between the two of us. She only wants to know what we are doing and what goes on in our house. BLAH-
She used to call DH's mom DAILY when they first split up. She put up with it because she knew that BM was hurting over the divorce and she is still her Grandson's mother. My mother in law finally put her foot down and told her that she was not longer a part of that family, so stop trying because all she ever did was ask questions about DH and I.. this was WELL after DH and I started dating. She is strange. GIVE IT UP ALREADY.
After DH's grandmother passed away last year... several years after their divorce has been final... we were cleaning out her apartment and noticed she had 2 copies of some of the pictures we had sent her of SS... turned out BM was sending them to her- Like DH has no common sense to send his OWN grandma pictures of her ONLY Great Grandbaby.... ummmmmm, I think BM is the only one that lacks common sense here.

Arrrrahhghghgh. F the lot of you!!!!!

But yet we will smile sweetly and entertain our DH's family for the better good of all. . . . *sigh*

True that. Oh, remember, WE are the insecure ones when WE get upset about people BUTTING INTO OUR LIVES and we get annoyed about it...

Well I say this: I married HIM, NOT his family

Fearless

Between trying to tune out the ex interference with the family and forgiving them their ignorance and just keeping the hell out!

I think I swing between the 2 all the time. At the moment I'm pissed that they cooked dinner for the bitch only last week!! Should have POISONED it I say LOL

Don't spose anyone has actually found a solution for this situation?? (That doesn't involve disposing permanently of the ex!!!)

How can they show loyalty to her (who they claim to dislike) and not to their own flesh and blood? I do NOT get it! Please explain I must be dense. . . .

I'm secure in the fact I can count on her constant BS! LOL!

His only family are his brother and sister who both live on the other side of the country. As I mentioned before, the BM does not like his family. Although that didn't stop her from trying to insert herself into his family again by sending her picture. Luckily my bil is also in the middle of a nasty divorce and has no good feelings for his ex-sil. He just put up the picture so my SD's would see it when we visited and feel a part of things I guess.
Last week BM's sister lost her mil. BM was all about how sad, we have to pull together for BM's bil who lost his mom. waaaah waaah - phony crap really.
My DH reminded me how when his mother died (BM's very own mil at the time) - BM could not be bothered to attend the funeral with her husband. Instead she let him fly there on his own to mourn with his family. She did not send condolences to his brother and sister. In fact, while her husband at the time (my DH) was at the funeral, she had a party at the house (with her young children asleep in bed) and ended up having several male "friends" sleep over.
Yet she thinks somehow he was the bad husband and she is the perfect example of a well-mannered lady. Whatever!

But

basically told his ex "you'll always have my family," matter of fact SHE clung to them after the divorce I guess because she didn't HAVE anyone else...and she has more contact with his family than we do!

Well gee, I would feel more comfortable around his family if the ex wasn't up their asses. It's a quandry. I don't want to take away the woman's family, but that don't mean I want to spend holidays and family functions with her!

Sheesh what happened to the days when DIVORCE meant you politely and amicably GO YOUR SEPARATE WAYS. It don't (to me) everybody is jus' one big happy family!!) I am an ex too. I am good friends with my ex husband. I don't call him, though, out of respect for his new fiance. If something happens that's really major, I might send him an email and I preface it with and how is your fiance doing, becuase that's how things in my opinion are done.

Yet when we bitch and moan about even the "nice" ex's(and I really can't complain too much about my DH's ex, she seems to leave us alone for the most part) it just takes ONE phone call about something trivial to get my dander up. It's not that I'm insecure. I know if he still wanted her, he'd be MARRIED to her. It's principles and How Things Are Done In My Opinion.

When OUR feelings get hurt we're told, suck it up, get over it, let it go, and that's hard ESPECIALLY when deep down we feel we have not been validated by the ones we want to be the most, OUR HUSBANDS. Every time he picks up that phone and talks to her, every time I hear "but she's a good person," reinforces the feeling of being invalidated, just a little bit. And sometimes, a little bit is all it takes.

Thoughts?

Fearless

DH's DAD, who claims to have HATED BM the entire time DH and she were married... recently asked DH via EMAIL and this is his Dad talking "Have you talked to the bitch lately (BM's name inserted here)?"
Being that we had a bit of a frustration with her just that day, DH took the opportunity to have verbal diarrea to his OWN FATHER via email regarding her recent antics and how much he dispised her...
Several days later DH emailed his Dad pictures of the kids much his our surprise, he replies with- "Oh I already got these pictures (we share them with BM) from BM, but thanks anyways"
WTF??? DH replies with, "I didn't realize you two emailed each other"... Dad said not ONE MORE WORD, instead, he forwarded the email from DH, yeah the one where he had verbal diarrea about what an idiot BM is... forwarded it TO BM... next thing I know MY cell phone is ringing (on my birthday nonetheless) to hear HER screaming at me about the things DH had to say to HIS OWN FATHER...

I think it is a matter of respect on OUR familes parts- We should have the freedom to vent, scream, yell SAY whatever (good bad or indifferent, even if WE are wrong, that is why it is called venting) we want to OUR families (so long as the kids are not in earshot of the conversation) WITHOUT the fear that it will get back to BM- Needless to say DH's relationship with his FATHER has been nothing short of stressed since then. I think this man just has some serious mental issues though. An exceptional asshole in my opinion!

So what about this board game???? Who killed BM in the Parlor with a SPOON???? (Long and painful)

I totally related to when you said your DH says, ...but she's a good person." and the feeling of being invalidated. I learned early on that if I did or said anything even slightly that could be taken negative about my DH's ex - he totally defended her even though according to him "SHe is a mean, wicked, manipulative, nasty woman I would never speak to again if not for my son." I am not the type of person who talks bad about anyone...I'm not saying I am an angel, I just refrain - so early on if I said something like, "It seems like she is making you responsible for every trouble in her life" he would immediately defend her and start on about how they met in their teens, how actually, her life is hard..." HARD MY BUTT. The worst one was when he said to me, "You don't know her" basically letting me know he thinks all her crazy meanness is justified in some way but it's their little secret I guess. She works basically when she wants to, she lives in a HUGE house (paid for by my DH years before he and I met) and gets to intrude herself into our marriage at every chance because "he's the father of my child." She feels this gives her the right to call him anytime for anything AND unfortunately, he goes running. I know he doesn't want her as far as getting back together ever - but the attachment is insane AND the antics have worked. If she finds out we've done anything together she starts on him "you never took me so and so place" "you never bought me such and such" SO GUESS WHAT - after a comment like that from her - WE NEVER GO AGAIN. A comment from her is all that is needed to stunt whatever path we were going down or whatever action we were going to take. He claims it really doesn't effect him. I know different. I live different. My question to fearless, what do you think men get out of allowing these ex's to rule their world. In my opinion, it's ego, it's guilt, and it's more ego. It also in my case allows him to keep distant from me - the woman he says he loves completely never felt this way about anyone in his life. Just wondering what you thought.

I believe guilt plays a big part in it. I wrote something in another blog about men feeling like they've "abandoned" these women. *sigh*
As for "what they are getting" out of it...I got NO clue. I would ask him, I would say, why is it that I am the woman you love completely this, that and this happens and have examples you can cite.

I'll have to think more about this-hugs to you!

Fearless

along with ego. Guilt because their kids do not have 'the' traditonal family;fear because men are still struggling to be recongnized as capable single parents and society still assumes it is the women and are afraid they will lose time with the kids; Ego.. they do not like to be told what they are doing wrong.. letting the lesser qualified parent run their lives, use the kids as leverage to get what they want. Or let kids run the house in fear of being the bad guy and the kids won't want to come over anymore. So then we are stuck with two parents that are competing to be the kids best friend in order to outshine and be the favored parent.

It beats me how a lot of parents, brothers, sisters etc. can blatantly LIE to their own flesh a blood to maintain contact with people that they know FULL WELL mean their own flesh and blood harm.

Personally, I couldn't do that because I have too much integrity.

I would understand if the exes in these situtions weren't just using these muppets to play their own game. They don't seem to realise when they are being played and it is being dressed up as actual friendship by the evil ex. I had to point out to our delightful ex only last week that DH's sister (who she thinks is her friend) was 2 faced enough to slag off the ex to us. Personally I think a family member like that is no loss to me or the DH! They're welcome to each other.

What is beyond me is that his parents will choose to associate with someone who has done all those things to their son. What does that say about them?

It is all sick. Poor DH has a family of liars who lack integrity As if he hasn't lost enough already. Funny how his parents don't get THAT!

As in they've done it this way for so long, why change now? It's just easier to keep things the same. Changing would be too much work. And so on and so forth. I think men are more likely to rock the boat with us because they feel secure and safe. They feel less likely to rock the boat with her because she holds the strings to the kids.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

There is a lot of fear on the part of the DH where he is held in a powerful grip by the BM because her wrath could rob HIM of HIS kids.

It's a sick game, which DH's tend to believe, but we are wise enough to know that the BM's love the DH's to see the kids so they get a break! As if the majority of BM's would REALLY withhold the kids from their fathers. The BM's would miss all those weekends away, shopping trips etc!