First Post ~ 16 year-old Stepdaughter Hell
I am trying to think where to begin. I have been married to DH for two years, with him for seven. SD just turned 16 in June of this year. I have no kids of my own. Did not want them. At the end of April of this year she started dating an 18-year-old boy, who has since graduated and turned 19 in August. At the beginning of their getting together my DH let her run wild when we had her, which was every other weekend. Meaning she would stay out from about 10am until her curfew at 11pm. We barely saw her. Not that I am complaining about that part 
Anyway, drama began when she always tried to stay out "night fishing" until 1am or 2am, and for about two weeks they were here every night for dinner, not offering to help clean up or make it. And mind you, I agreed with none of this, and made it known to DH, but it caused tension and arguments, so I thought, okay, I am just going to disengage, and it worked, for about two months.
On July 4 I lost it, and like insane screaming, shaking person. Because the drama and the debating just got all too much about why can't he come over at 6:30 instead of 8:00. And DH had actually forbid her to spend time with the BF when he was around a particular friend because this friend got fired from a job and was basically nowhere going no place. So, this friend wants to talk to my husband on the 4th of July to figure out why SD cannot be around him and it was just so stupid, and DH said I am not talking to this boy, it's so ridiculous, and SD starts screaming and whaling and I could not take it anymore. And when I say let loose, I tell you, I was so mad I was shaking.
Two more times screaming episodes happened like this, to one point where I walked out of our house because I could not listen to DH and SD scream at each other anymore and I just started walking. Mind you, SD has been given everything her whole life, and every opportunity, but she hates everyone and her life if she can't be with this boy. BM and DH co-parent well, everyone gets along. I just do not get it.
So, three weeks ago we find out she is six weeks pregnant. YES!!!!! BM takes her to get an abortion. We have a family meeting. And I say a lot, but I don't think any of it got through. Because SD is still with this boy. They break up every other day, and she goes crying back to him. He has lied to her, cheated on her, even dropped her off in front of our house on his birthday because he wanted to go out with his friends. Due to the pregnancy she was grounded for six weeks, and this week is the last week. So, I figure this is the calm before the storm.
I am so sick to death of talking about it with everyone, and it being the focus of my thoughts. I can hardly have a normal conversation with her. In my eyes she has shown no remorse for what has happened. Everything is all back to normal now that she had the procedure done. She is being put on birth control, thank God, but she still posts on Facebook about how he is her everything and she can't imagine her life without him. And I just don't get it, not at all. Why would you be with someone who is like that and who you know your family does not like?
So, it has caused much stress and heartache and discord between DH and I, as you can imagine. I figured if anyone understood, it was you guys on this board.
I am still in such disbelief over what has transpired the past three months. Oh, and when she gets her license in January she is supposed to get my car and I am buying a new car, and having a car payment. Are you kidding me? I swear I do not know how I am not on some type of drug at this point.
So, I have decided to disengage again as much as I can. I do not want my marriage to break up over this, but that has crossed my mind. You can only take so much.
It's just, boy, am I tired, tired of arguing and debating about every.little.thing. It's exhausting. It's exhausting to hear her have no respect and value for herself all for someone who treats her like dirt.
She is 16 and all 16 YO don't
She is 16 and all 16 YO don't know shit but have no idea that they don't know shit.
Is anyone giving you any money to give her your old car?
No money for the car. When
No money for the car. When we got together DH decided that's what would be done and I did not have a problem with it then. But she was also 10 at the time. I truly was delusional thinking it would get better as she got older. I am not sure what I was smoking to think that!!!
DH says if there is one more incident between now and Christmas she is not getting her license until she is 17. I would be surprised if there is not, given what has gone on. He knows that I feel she deserves no car. My car is only 6 years old. And I know for sure that she will never drive the new car. I WILL put my foot down about that. She will be responsible for her insurance, or at least that's the plan.
The problem? Kids these days, and her included, entitled, spoiled, don't appreciate anything. It just makes my blood boil, as I had a horrible childhood and paid for everything myself, including my own college education, went to college full-time and worked a full-time job at the same time.
DH is a good man. I try to put myself in his place regarding SD. It was literally like flipping a switch when she turned 16. I just think he has no idea how to deal with any of this because he never had to deal with it.
As far as the car, if she
As far as the car, if she appreciated what was being done to give her a car, I don't think I would have a problem with it. And I don't do any cooking or cleaning for her at all. I don't do anything for her. DH only asks me as a last resort if she needs a ride somewhere. Like last weekend we had her and her BF called and god forbid she puts down the phone to go rinse out her ice cream bowl. So, later I go in the kitchen to do something and I see her charger laying right on the floor in the middle of the kitchen. She obviously dropped it because god forbid she puts the phone down for one minute when he is on it, and she didn't realize she dropped it. I stepped over it and left it there and acted like I did not even see it.
I have disengaged about 75 percent. I do not ask DH anymore about her. He will tell me what I need to know. And when I see her, it's hi, how was school. That is literally it.
I'm with you. Why not let her
I'm with you. Why not let her go thru the pregnancy and learn her lesson of playing with fire when you're not ready. If the family can't keep the baby the put he/she up for adoption. 6 weeks grounded?
Disengage! Disengage! Disengage.
A
What is there to get? She's
What is there to get? She's 16. She's a young, naive girl that was allowed to run wild by her dad - the guy that was supposed to show her an example of what she should expect from men in her life. Except it sounds like he didn't take a huge interest or pay her much attention. Now she has male attention and doesn't want to let it go. She's probably part attention seeking from her parents, part addicted to the drama and part actually in true teenage love with this kid and teenage love is often not in the best interest of either party. Kids also confuse obsession with love. Hell, look at the freaking Twilight phenom. Going catatonic because you lose the absolute love of your life.... That's what kids are idealizing as love right now.
On the bright side, she may grow out of it. However, that could take until she's 22 or so.
If you don't want to take on a car payment and assuming that it would be solely you making said car payment, just don't do it. It's your car, you don't Have to give it to her. As for the screaming and the rest of it, if you think it's because DH is just clueless cause he's never been here before, maybe suggest the two of you find some parenting classes to add to the tools I your toolbox. I know it's not your problem, but he might be more open to seeking help if you offer to go with him.
6 wk "grounding" for an
6 wk "grounding" for an abortion? Parent sponsored. I'm sorry, I haven't gotten past that factoid.
I hope something is being
I hope something is being done about birth control for this child, because she isn't going to stop having sex...IUD? Grounding for a pregnancy is really just going to have built up even more resentment about this boyfriend. The more you keep them apart, the more they are going to want to be together. Teens are fun like that.
Don't give your car up unless it's something you really want to do. If you WANT a new car, then someone better be paying you what you'd lose in trade-in value if you're going to give that one up to SD. Personally, the pregnancy would be enough for me to say No way--no car for at least a year, and that's only if there is damn good behavior.
Anyway, you say you have said your piece and no one listens to your input. You are stressing yourself out over this situation. I know that it does affect your entire family, but I would remove myself as much as possible from it. Conflict starts? Walk out, leave the house, check out of the situation until that particular storm blows over. Don't allow yourself to get dragged into the middle of it. Make sure your DH knows where you stand on things that will affect you (no SD coming to live with you if she turns up prego again and want "help" raising the baby, etc).
Good luck!
Two words: birth control.
Two words: birth control.
If you really want to
If you really want to disengage then stay off her Facebook and don't just give her your car. This wild hellion needs to learn some responsibility, get a job and save up for her own car. My DD was just like your SD at 16, wild, hormonal, had boys coming in and out the window. She ran away with then bf got preggers, had an abortion after he left her. It was an awful, no way would I have just given her a car at that stage. She's gotten her life together at age 20, is working and is saving her OWN hard earned $$ for a car.
If your sd does not earn her own car she will never appreciate it. I would seriously consider keeping your car if it's in fair condition. Run it into the ground before just giving it to this entitled teen.
I had a hard time dealing with the situation as a mother. I often fantasized being the one who ran away from all the mess. There's no way in hell I could deal have with it as a stepparent. Disengage hard.
Tell both DH and his brat
Tell both DH and his brat that you will be trading your car in when you get your new one and you will not be contributing in anyway, shape or form in her getting a her license and car. After all why should you have extra costs just because he said his daughter could have a car 6 years ago.
Explain to them now that this is down to both his and her behaviour, that the both of them have treated you badly and that you have decided that you are doing what is best for you as they have done for the last 6 years.
If you husband still decides to pay for her learning to drive,license, a car and insurance it comes out of his money and not the household money or any savings you have as a couple. If he needs to get a 2nd job to fund then he better start looking now.
As for you SD and her boyfriend there is nothing you can do about that so don't get involved if your husband brings it up repeat that you have said your piece on this matter and you will not talk about again and change the subject.
She behaves this way and
She behaves this way and gloms on to this boy because A) she's empty inside and
she does not know how to do life.
A is actually a subset of B.
Her parents have never taught her how to be responsible, to care for others, to feel a sense of achievement, self-respect, be a team player, reach for something higher, look to the future, nurture herself rather than indulge herself. She's a trainwreck. How she is behaving now at 16 is a model for how she will live her entire life. Expect more unplanned pregnancies and abusive relationships till she hits menopause.
I cannot believe dad would even contemplate supplying a car to this kid who has already been given way too much random freedom and has proven she cannot handle the dangerous instrument that is her own body let alone a 2,000 pound hunk of speeding metal.
I don't know how you're going to get out of this mess. If giving up your car is some kind of deal you made years ago, only you know if there's wiggle room to stop this plan now that you see the lay of the land. You might try giving your dh your opinion that he would be endangering her if he proceeded. I believe it is 100% true that he would be endangering her if he handed her a car under the current situation.
If you feel you have enough grounds to cut and run now I can't see how that would be a bad thing. This girl is going to bring drama into your life until the day you die. She. Does. Not. Know. How. To. Do. Life. And when I say that I mean she is not even being a half-way decent kid for her own stage of development. She can't just go to school? Join a club or two? Have regular 2-3 hour dates on the weekend with a boyfriend her own age rotated out with hanging out with friends in between doing chores at home and enjoying her family? She has to be gone 12 and 18 hours at a time, surgically attached to an abusive boyfriend, make her parents solve her pregnancy crisis? Grounded for pg? Are you kidding me? It's as if the girl were 6 and didn't know what pg was. Parents gotta slap her hand for the cookie jar bust.
Many 16 year olds, first of all, don't get pg at all. In fact, most don't. Of those that do, many make their own decision about how to handle it. The law recognizes that parents cannot force her one way or the other. Consequences tend to be those that are naturally occurring as well as, say, having to get a job to contribute to the household, moving out altogether, paying parents back for expenses, getting their GED and entering trade school, etc. Instead, it sounds like the pg/ab was all a big game she played and her parents fixed it all up. AS IT WILL BE FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. Think about that as you decide to stay or go.