Mixed family parenting issue. Bio undermines.
I am having a reoccurring issue with my mixed family. I am (m45), my wife (f40), her kids (15f) and (12f), and my kid (13 m).
A little background, when the (12f) was 4 she was molested by a grandparent. This was why my wife was still married to her first husband.
She has been diagnosed with PTSD since the molestation occurred and been through a few years of therapy. Now she is also pretty hyper and probably has ADHD. She has a lot of attention seeking behavior: interrupting, talking non-stop, singing, yelling, and making noise why others are talking or trying to do something, throwing tantrums, hitting herself, refusing to do things. She has also, hit her sister on occasion, been demanding and entitled, ignored directions and tasks. My background, I was abused physically and verbally/emotionally by my military father.
We got married earlier this year but we have been together for 4 years.
The issue mostly involves the (12f) but has also been a factor with the (15f) on occasion. This morning for example: My wife and I were talking during breakfast and the (12f), who is sitting right next to us, starts talking really loudly, louder than our convo, at the cats. I said, “Please don’t talk over us, we are talking.” My wife immediately said, “She was just talking to the cats,” right in front of the child. Now I feel like my wife undermined me. She is mad at me for nit-picking everything the kids do. My opinion is that we are supposed to help the kids become socially appropriate. My wife thinks I don’t want her to act like a kid. Either way I really think she was wrong for undermining me. I don’t yell or physically discipline the kids.
How long have you been
How long have you been married for? I would have a talk with DW and ask what she believes your role should be. Step parents are often times expected to be in two sandboxes: you love my child unconditionally with all the extras, but you're not allowed to discipline. She can't have it both ways. Either you're allowed to be an adult authority in the house, or you disengage from the child(ren).
Also, if she is comfortable with you disciplining (or she says she's willing) ask that in the future if she has a problem with something you said to the kids, to bring the issue up behind closed doors. A united front is invaluable!
Thank you. We have been
Thank you. We have been married only 6 months. I think the issue is also that she is too permissive, and I am too authoritarian.
Regardless of past
Regardless of past experiences or traumas, it's every parent's job to teach their offspring how to successfully navigate life, with the goal of launching promptly. A young woman displaying this attention-seeking behavior and lack of impulse control will not do well in the workplace or in relationships. No one IRL is going to put up with that, period.
You should probably have a sit down with your wife and draw up some ground rules for ALL the kids. Identify the goal - successfully launching - and how to get each kid there. Also, set her straight about undermining your authority as an adult and her partner.
I cannot begin to imagine how awful it must have been for your SD and wife to have had such a thing happen, however is does not excuse future bad behaviors or the enabling of them. I'm curious, has your wife had any therapy to help deal with the past trauma? How does she treat her older daughter? Does she discipline both girls consistently?
No doubt is was awful. On top
No doubt is was awful. On top of the molestation the asshole got away with it in court. She was too young and the defense took advantage of her not being able to testify. She has never wavered or changed her story.
She is very lenient with both kids, but much more with SD12.
I agree. The only issue is
I agree. The only issue is my DW feels like she has to "pick her battles" since times have been tough with the SD12. I will gladly step back if we can get some better parenting.
Exactly Echo... Totally
Exactly Echo... Totally agree! I'm living this myself first hand but with SS16. Our therapist is trying to teach us to work as a United front and to agree together on expectations regarding SS16 ( who lives with us FT 24/7 as his mother put a restraining order on her own son exonerating her from having to legitamately deal with any challenging teenager behavior... Thanks
So far we have only agreed on one expectations... That SS16 attend school! No shit Sherlock!! DH continues to swoop in and protect his son and any legitamate gripe I may have about SS16 ( and trust me.... I totally hold back 99.9% of them too) Dh thinks I'm critizizng him!!! I have no rights in my own home and things I've asked SS16 to or not do, DH lets him still.
Last night I had a dream about being free from all this stress! It was a good dream! Every time DH chips away at disrespecting me ( and teaching SS16 is also ok to do the same) is a step closer to me wanting out for good. .
I don't buy it. You already
I don't buy it. You already admit to being authoritarian and she is accusing you of nitpicking her kids. I don't think it's anywhere near DW being the problem. My guess is that you have gone to such extreme trying to fix them quick, that she feels she has to defend them half the time because otherwise her kids are getting bullied. My guess is that their behavior has more to do with the recent marriage than it does the girl's past. I notice you don't mention your near-perfect son.
Disagree. If this was a SM
Disagree. If this was a SM with the same issue then everyone would be agreeing. And trying to correct obnoxious behaviour in children is not bullying. It's that mindset that leads people to believe they're special snowflakes who are above reproach. And he doesn't mention his son, but you seem more than willing to assume that he believes his son is a snowflake.
He also hasn't shown anything for anyone to assume that he's gone to "extremes" to try to "fix" them.
I was a teacher. I know how
I was a teacher. I know how to correct kids with out bullying them. My son isn't perfect, but he is very easy to parent from a behavior perspective. He has his own issues with depression and anxiety, they just manefest in a quiet, agreeable way. The SD12 has behaved this way before the marriage and before I was even in the picture, so not my fault. I serously wonder how asking a child to stop talking over a conversation is "extreme." Also we have been together a while, I am not new to this situation.