Hey Ya'll

I always appreciated it when stepmoms who left their DH's came back to write about it. So here goes...

I left DH one year ago. Initially I intended to stay with my friend for a couple weeks. But a couple weeks turned into eight weeks. After eight weeks, I needed a place of my own so I got an apartment.

For a long time I really hoped and believed that DH and I would get back together. A part of me still hopes that. In the first few months after I left probably September- January every time we hung out it was a disaster. It just didn't feel good. And he would say things to me that communicated clearly that he had not changed one bit. As time has gone on, there have been times that he would reach out to me and want to get back together, and times that I would do the same to him. Our desire to get back together, or to at least try again never seemed to match up (certainly for the best). At times I have missed him like crazy. I miss having sex with him. I miss laying on his chest and cuddling. I miss how well we understood eachtoher. I miss his smell. I miss our shared sense of humor. I miss living comfortably financially (things have been tight financially for me). I miss the energy we shared. Sometimes (even today) I checked my ring finger for my ring-- it still feels shocking and bare to me at times. I miss him in so many ways.

But there are many things that I don't miss.... I don't miss how lonely I was. I don't miss how isolated I was. I don't miss the chaos of living with skids (though I deeply, deeply miss skids--more about that later). I don't miss the feeling of always being suspicious of him. I don't miss our arguments. I don't miss how sad and unhappy I was. I don't miss how stressed out I was all the time. I don't miss how hurtful he became. I don't miss feeling like less than his partner. I don't miss how empty my life was-- how much I focused on skids and BM drama (more about that below).

I have been going to therapy weekly for the past year. I have been dating... a lot! Gotta love online dating, there are so many men in the world! I have not developed feelings for anyone, I've kept it very casual. I'm not ready to be in a relationship with someone right now. But all this dating has taught me a lot about people, what I want and don't want. And it's been a lot of fun. I have focused on my friendships. I started running. And I made a huge career change that will be taking place in the next couple months. It sounds cliché, but I have learned to love myself. I thought I knew how to do that before, but I didn't. I have laughed so much this year. Sometimes when I am home alone I hear myself laughing (watching tv, etc) and I am astounded to hear my own happiness. It feels really good to laugh. It hasn't always been easy. But it's been a good year.

DH is on his second girlfriend. I understand that this newest one (who I estimate he has been dating for apx 4 months) has/ or is in the process of moving in with he and the skids. He absolutely cannot be alone. He needs someone to take care of him and skids. I'm sure he's making her very happy right now, I know he made me very happy in the beginning too. I am waiting to hear news that she is pregnant... I just expect that to happen soon for some reason.

The HARDEST, most heart breaking part of all of it is that I have lost my skids in this break up. My heart physically hurts at times when I think about that. DH is an *sshole. I always knew this. He cannot behave in an honorable or respectable way. He has no problem taking out his feelings on skids. He wants to hurt me and doesn't want to be bothered with me-- so he withholds skids from me. He's allowed me to see them just a few times in this past year. I cannot reach them via phone. I try to email them and rarely hear back. It hurts very badly. I cared for skids as their primary parent(more than DH or BM in fact) For years. My youngest skid was only 2 when we met. I was not prepared to lose them and it breaks my heart. all those years he assured me that he would allow me to still have a relationship with them if we ever broke up-- all lies. Just a word of caution to anyone thinking about breaking up-- set up ways to have relationshops with skids first if you're interested n that...

Finally, my feelings about BM have changed a lot since I broke up with DH... and in the months prior to our break up. DH vilified BM a lot, and I believed him. I realized that in a warped way, DH and I connected and were like a team against BM. It was totally not healthy, but kept us feeling close... GAG. Watch out for that ladies! Finally, my hatred and fixation on BM served as a distraction for me from how miserable I was. I spent SOOO much time thinking about her, about skids in relationship to her, feeling resentful of her, etc. SO much time and energy wasted.... IF you're fixated on BM ask youself why, and what it would be like to let that go? No matter how good or bad she is, it's not worth it... Turns out DH has been treating me sorta like he treated her. I wish I saw it back then. I thought he loved me more than her so would treat me better than her. NOPE. It was never about her or me, it was about DH being a JERK.

Anyway, if you're thinking about leaving... don't be afraid to take the jump. I thought about it for sooo long. I waited until things go really bad before I could finally leave. Despite the challenges this past year and the heartache, I don't reget my decision, even if I miss skids, DH and my old life... at times.

My new life is better than I could have imagined.

xoxoxo