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How i make it work

MeFirst_CatSecond's picture

Hi a few words from me that might help somebody else.. i hope... I have no bio kids, and i have SD8 and SS11. They have been living with me about 50 % of the time for almost 4 years now. For the first year after they moved in, i was determined to be super step mom. I was going to straighten them all out, we were only going to eat healthy foods, the house was to be spotless at all times, including their rooms, i was going to help them with homework, drive them wherever they need to be and i bought them lots of " stuff " because i thought they would 'like ' me for it. I was micromanaging their every move and totally involved in all they did.

It was a disaster. The kids resented me and DH and myself argued almost nightly , kids crying in their bedrooms hearing us fight, coming from a horrible marriage where DH and BM fought like cats and dogs as well. After about a year of this I was totally exhausted and my relationship with DH who i am crazy about on the brink. I really did some soul searching and realized, i loved their dad, but i didnt love the skids. I resented them for intruding into my space, my privacy, my beautiful spotless house. I went away on vacation by myself, read some books about the subject and realized its ok not to love them. Its ok if they dont love me. I overstepped my role and got involved into matters that really didnt concern me. They are not orphans. They have a mother ( I will not describe her since she matters little in my life ) and a capable father. Those 2 are responsible for every single aspect of skids life. Not me. I disengaged.

I dont like the word " disengage " because i DO care. But i let the parents do the parenting. I consider myself as the " back up in absolut emergency " only. I stopped critizing, and get involved in what they wore, what they ate, what they did. As long as they did not destroy my property and respected my privacy, we were ok. I no longer got involved in their homework, projects etc. DH and i made a pact to put our relationship first. We go on vacations without skids, without guilt. I made DH explain to them that me and DH are the sun, and skids are the little stars circeling the sun. They are not the priority . They are taken care off and i will be there for them if absolutely needed, but all other issues need to be dealt with by their parents.

And then, around the second year, i realized - the more i disengaged, the better my relationship with skids has become. My relationship with SS11 is very good, SD 8 is mini BM and a work in progress but has gotten a lot better as well. Be selfish - make your life easy, do things that make you happy and leave the parenting to the parents. Be there if they need you, but be in the background. Put yourself and your relationship first. Work on it. Its worth it.

The other day it asked SS11 how he would describe me to a person who never met me, he seemed a bit embarrased and then said " i would say shes kinda cool ". Cool is enough for me.

Stepped in what momma's picture

I want to be cool too.

Your story is very similar to mine. I have no bios, never wanted any and ended up falling for a man with two. I am still SMH over it.

It was very hard for me to give up my space, my beautiful home to two rag a muffin looking children who don't eat vegetables or bath as often as I would like BUT I look the other way now because I love him, he made them, they aren’t going anywhere and if I want him then I need to make it work with the skids.

I love that you shared your story.

Stormyweather's picture

How did you get your DH to agree that you guys were the sun and the kids the stars that orbited the sun? This is such an issue for me as I feel like my DH tends to me and our relationship separately to his kids BUT the minute the kids are challenged by me in a minute way ( eg I sent a question to my SD21 last month asking her nicely when she was going to pay me for selling my horse for me...and Dh went off his chops at me and said I was harassing her!!!!!) He didn't want to hear my side of the story or even see my innocuous text... But his protective shield was up and I was to be put back in my place.

Then DH turns around and encouRges me to speak my truth with SS16 ( who lives ft with us) I can't win!!!

Ps: they claim they find me intimidating! Poor SD21!! She hides behind her father and says I'm the mean baddie! Spew!! I might me intimidating because I make them accountable for their behaviour as they've been raised to make excuses or hide behind others. It's always someone else's fault.

TakemySKIDS's picture

^^^^ Love this!

Well done to original poster. A lot of us can't get there and my never get there.

epiphany's picture

I can empathise with pretty much everything you said. I agree it's better to take on more of a "background" role and just be cool. Don't give them the chance to hold your position in the family against you.

The way I see it, any involvement with the kids is to help out SO. But it's win-win because the kids also benefit from my help, and let's be honest, who doesn't want to be a positive influence on children? Over the years I've learned to set boundaries in terms of what I get involved with. I have disciplined them in the past, not because of an intention to assert my authority, rather a sense of the fact that I have to live with them and it's in my interest to make sure they are respectful and peaceful human beings.

I like to think I set an example through how I behave around them - calm, rational, objective and fair minded. I allow them to do a lot more than their mum does, and I've had to challenge mum on her strictness and over-protectiveness sometimes. But she does ultimately have the final say - they're her kids. She's the benevolent dictator, I'm the liberator. Some might call it good cop bad cop. Haha! It seems to work.

notarealmomma's picture

I think you just defined my life too! Tried to play super mom; got burnt out; now, I have essentially taken a backseat to nearly everything BUT the aspects that affect my life. I think DH feels hurt SOMETIMES because I refuse to play mommy now while they're here. I've told him that I run a daycare all day, I am not babysitting his kids after hours. Yes, I help him and cook dinner and clean our home, but he is to be the parent while they're here. And things have gotten so much better because I disengaged. I still struggle with helping DH to understand that I don't love his kids like he wishes, that to me, I somewhat resent them because of what they represent -- a tie between my husband and his ex that I wish I could put out of my head. I treat them as respectfully as possible, but I'm not full of unconditional love for them as I am for him alone. I love the part of them that is him, but I detest the part that is BM. So I do my best to focus on what I love and leave it alone. Of course, I am villainized because I am strict and a disciplinarian -- I will not allow them to run my husband and I, our home, nor any situation. I am "mean"; but honestly, I just check out when it comes to that. Thank God I have an amazing man who ultimately understands and agrees with everything about this thread, finally!!

Emily1984's picture

I disengaged after realizing the more I tried to be the 'perfect' SM, the less I was actually achieving.

I kept trying to fulfill some type of role and it led to me being rejected by the kids and losing my confidence.

Now I give the kids and their dad alone time, as they are here to see him not me, and I do more of the things that I enjoy like seeing friends.

Things are much less tense.

The hardest thing is getting over the 'guilt' of not stepping into the step mom role which I was trying to do to please my DH. I share my home with DH and he brings the kids here and we share our living space. I am kind and respectful. I don't need to feel guilty about anything.