What a tangled web we weave. I paid 1/3 of my partners divorce costs and 100% of SS living expenses in our home for the first 2 years. I paid SS school clothes, stationary etc which even went to exW house. I subsidized play therapy for a while too.

His exW's now H paid 100% of her divorce costs.

This decision is a very personal one to you as a couple and I would not let an inlaw influence it. If you feel you are more than generous and are not prepared to assist with legal fees then leave it. I can tell you it will become a bottomless pit if allowed to continue.

Your W should consider getting her exH marked as a litigious and vexatious litigator. It is a legal finding and he would no longer be able to take her to court every 12 months.

Good Luck.

Guess I'd say that it depends if you co-mingle funds. If you have joint funds, it's pretty danged hard to isolate the extraneous money.

Separate accounts = separate responsibilities.

You're good in my book. However, as a flawed human being, I too looked at my beloved SO during a time of stress --- marching BS-13 down to the local cop-shop --- and he said to me that he was pleased that I had previously spoken that I would parent my own child and he would be an interactive role model. Hoisted on my ass.

I'm probably not saying things correctly. This is not your child. This is your DW's issue with flame-out in your area.

While I completely understand your thoughts on this, and .... it is not your bill to pay ..... in our marriage my bride and I are a team. That included, for 16+ years, battling the Sperm Idiot and the deeper though mostly shallow pockets of the Sperm GrandParents.

When we met my bride was 18, a single teen mom college student going to school and raising her 15mo old son at an out of state university far from her home and far from the baby daddy and his toxic family. When the grapevine in my brides small town picked up that DW was dating someone SpermGrandHag took exception and mounted a full fledged custody campaign on her idiot but fertile son's behalf. Rather than surrendering my bride took out extra school loans and battled the custody effort. This went on for about 9 months with them playing schedule court date then canceling them games after my wife had purchased non refundable plane tickets to be in court with her attorney. We finally ended up in court about 2wks after we married. We married 9mos after we met.

Once I entered the mix the financial scales immediately balanced and shifted slightly but irrevocably in our direction. After that we beat the living shit out of the SpermClan in court any time they so much as twitched out of compliance with the CO. My bride and I are a team and our primary marital responsibility was to protect the best interests of the family including protecting the Skid from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool.

The first 9mos of my wife's legal bills defending her initially awarded full legal and physical custody amounted to about $10K. It took us several years to pay those off but WE paid it off while we navigated the early years of our 21+ year marriage, worked on grad school (me) and undergrad (her) and raised OUR son. Yep, when I married her he became my son. Though I struggled with bonding and finding where we all fit in our blended family life together the fact was that if I wanted a life with my amazing bride I would have to navigate the turbulent journey to being my son's dad and being the man that raised him. That included the intermittent but notable costs of battling his Sperm Clan. His mom and I are a team in life and that includes the financial responsibility of protecting our family and the Skid from the manipulative blended family opposition.

Your wife, your child, and your family are under consistent attack by a toxic asshole. Rather than be worried about the cost of protecting your family you should actually protect them. I actually agree with your ILs in this. Are you in? Or not? Quit sitting the fence. It sounds as if your ILs are willing to continue to help financially regarding the legal costs but also expect you and your DW to take the lead and some of the burden of defending your own family.

So, defend your family. Your son has you as an example of a loving husband, dad, and man. Keep it up. My SS is now 23 and after more than 21 years of being a family and battling the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool he asked me to adopt him. We made that happen in April of this year. Now we have papers that document what has always been fact. I am his dad. Now it says so on his birth certificate. You are doing the right things with your family IMHO. Quit sweating the bills that you are actually paying anyway. You support your family and this debt is on your wife which you very likely both pay anyway.

IMHO of course.

It is a personal choice and if this is one that you and your wife are fine with, the in-laws need to stay out of it. Of course they would like you to contribute, that would lighten their contributions. They may want to help her but it sounds like they'd rather YOU help her.

I completely get where you are coming from. I helped my DH with some legal fees BUT he paid back every penny, as he did not see it as my bill to pay and he does not like to "owe" people, even me.

We have been together 19 years but have always had separate finances. We pay household bills together, we pay each of our own bills (medical, legal, or whatever) on our own, individually. Not to say we don't help each other out if necessary but we like to have some independent financial responsibility. We never want to feel like we are taking advantage each the other.

It depends on what your comfort level is. If you feel like you won't resent it, then go for it, if you would, then don't. No one is under any obligation to pay for the debts of anyone else and I think it's a problem your in-laws think you should. I think money is a touchy issue.

I am a woman by the way, who did pay for half of my husband's court fees. And I will tell you, it's sometimes a struggle with your emotions and resentment when you're struggling to pay for your property taxes and you remember the 15-20k (your last in savings) you gave up so your husband wouldn't be in debt. You also remember (and this isn't an issue for you) that while you're here pinching pennies, your husband is giving 600 a month in CS to a woman who has done nothing but made you guys miserable. But it's the law, and you know you have to follow it. Doesn't make you less pissed off when your husband barely contributes half because he can't afford more of that to the household you are both in now and you're left to be the majority breadwinner of the house.

So just know that it would be great if you did, but it's not required, and if they get pissed you don't, you can tell them to go suck on an egg.

Me - I wouldn't provide a dime.

It's a very personal choice. I think the attitude you have already adopted is fine and correct and unassailable. You've done enough. It will never be your kid. But it will always be your inlaws grandkid. It is extremely risky putting your heart into a stepkid let alone your finances.

Many here have experienced the scorched earth policy of a once beloved skid who turns on you. The risk is real. Be careful risking your fortune on this child as well.