Im new...sort of. its been a while.
Hello! I am really excited to be back on here and able to voice my excitement and frustrations and hopefully find people going through similiar or the same things as me. I really honestly want a kindered spirit. I have friends who will tell me when I am wrong or going too far and have those who totally agree with me though they may not completely understand. I am hoping to connect with people who get it and lived it and maybe in receive advice on how to deal with it. So, I got married abobut four years ago. My hubby's daughter was 8 when he and i met, she is 13 now. she is super smart and sweet if u were to ever meet her. the only ones who would ever know her beyond that would be those who know her best and lived with her. Her mother is incredibly neurotic and if i am being honest, so am I. so apparently DH has a type whether he knows it or not. There is so much i want to explain but i will just ask what position or view do most of u have on asking or making your spouse give up custody of their child? I can make him per se, but i feel i can influence him but i dont want to be the evil bitch who tried to make him do that. Has anyone gave up custody bc of a spouse and later resented them for it?
Do you want him to give up
Do you want him to give up all his custody, as in never see her or do you want to have him go to visitation only. Two very different scenarios.
In scenario 1 I think he will end up with resentment. In scenario 2 I think it may work to go to visitation only that way she gets him to herself for a little bit of time on some weekends and you get peace in your house.
I will warn you to take some comments with a grain of salt, as there are some pro-skid commenters who make it very clear that they think skids come first. I am not one of those. I think every situation is unique.
If parents truly thought that
If parents truly thought that their kid should come first, and there is no abuse, then they would stay In a marriage for the kids. Or they would stay single. When another person is brought into the situation then their lives are just as relevant.
I personally am not a person to put up with toxic crap. I personally would not put up with half the crap of some of these guys. We all have different standards.
Tommar I wish you could've
Tommar I wish you could've made my SO understand this. I tried to make him understand it for months. I got "My daughter is my number one priority and she has no friends, so I can't leave her for 2 hrs to have alone time with you. She comes first." I replied, my son will always be my number one priority as well, but it's a balancing act! Yoiu have to put some effort in the relationship or there will not be a relationship!" It can't always ONLY be about ONE person!
"Kids come first..." This was
"Kids come first..." This was not always the latest parenting mantra. It used to be the marriage came first and kids had a place in the family but did not rule the roost as little emperor or mini wife princess. This attitude of kids coming first is extremely damaging to a marriage and the kids, especially when kids grow up and they are still helicoptered over and coming first.
And we wonder why there are so many divorces in 2nd marriages with kids. What's the stat, like 70% or something?
Over 80 percent of divorced
Over 80 percent of divorced kids live with their single moms. Of that contact with dad in over half of those households will cease after three years. it is an epidemic and it apparently is in the nature of most men to give up contact with their kids. What you see on these boards is the exception and not the rule.
I was quoting statistics for
I was quoting statistics for the U.S.
Some more statistics for the entire USA
"About 40 percent of children in father-absent homes have not seen their father at all during the past year; 26 percent of absent fathers live in a different state than their children; and 50 percent of children living absent their father have never set foot in their father’s home."
It would seem that most fathers in the U.S. At least walk away when not partnered with the mom. In my personal experience I married men who turned out to be great fathers to my children. Again the exception and not the rule.
It is sad but perhaps most
It is sad but perhaps most men get the shit kicked out of them by the BM and give up trying to see their kids.
In most cases judges and courts don't treat men as equals, they are good enough to support the children but not good enough to have custody. BM's pas the kids out and men throw in the towel.
It is a bull rap excuse to
It is a bull rap excuse to say that it is anyone's fault. When a father walks away it is on him. It is not the stepmother or the bm. So if the father walks away from his kid, that is on him and chances are he will. It seems to be in the nature of men.
She is smart and sweet, but
She is smart and sweet, but only sweet with everyone else. I did mention that in my post, but I think you missed it. And actually the BM is the one alienating her bc she says "negative things" about her dad to her. Its what my SD told us but she refused to elaborate passed that. Just that she didnt like him bc of what her mom said.
I encourage him to spend alone time with her and insist that if he is going to have joint custody, that he make sure he is connected in every way. I separate myself as much as I can, but its very difficult when we live together half the week. I am one of her primary caretakers and I dont just abondon that post, but I cant (or rather I dont want to) do it half the week, its too much drama.
That is 50 percent kids from
That is 50 percent kids from divorce. As stated above that is 40 percent of all children in the USA haven't seen their father in a year. I would guess that it is learned. How can a boy turn into a caring man with no example.
If the dad is MIA, they will
If the dad is MIA, they will learn from their grandfathers, stepdads,uncles, cousins, teachers,clergy,coaches....
Nope, they're no longer men
Nope, they're no longer men but rather a wallet for the BM. I know several men who pay court ordered child support regularly and want to see their children but cannot due to PASing on the part of the BM. There are men being forced to pay for children that they never see and don't even know where they are. Many men live in different states than their children due to work, military duty or the woman running off. No man bashing please. It takes two to make a kid.
I NEVER said my step daughter
I NEVER said my step daughter was disposable nor do I think she is. If you cant put yourself in my shoes,fine but dont pretend to know something about me when you dont. My husband is NOT a little bitch and quite frankly when did people start having such little respect for men that they would be so frank and thinkits okto call them one?? My family lives 6 maybe 7 hours away, I am not asking the man to move to Egypt or the freaking moon so some of you should calm down. Iwant him to very much be a part of her life but Idont thinkshe needs to live with us bc it causes WAY too much drama. I just want some peace.
Definitely more info
Definitely more info needed!
As previously stated there is an epidemic of absentee fathers that in my opinion probably correlates with an unfair advantage of women during the separation/divorce process.
OP, my exH got married and
OP, my exH got married and his new wife asked him to give up the 50/50 custody that he had with our kids. Did he resent her? Must've because they got divorced shortly after.
Did he give up the 50/50
Did he give up the 50/50 before he started resenting SM and divorced her? I'm just being nosey.
I can't imagine ever signing away a minor child just because a new partner asked me to. Nor could I ever imagine wanting to have any additional children with someone who told me to pitch my first kids.
OK so let me apologize for
OK so let me apologize for the super late response. School started back up for me my hubby and my SD around the time I made the post and I never got a chance to respond.
First, no I do not want him to give up his child and abandon her. so everyone thinking that should calm down. Second, she has been very vocal that she wants to live with her mother. Her mom has kept us tied up in a custody battle for two years starting when I was in my third trimester with our child. She nags over silly stuff and starts arguments for nothing. She has gotten better this year, but we have had some dark days. My SD gets all the rage from her mom channeled in to her and started to become her mouth piece. She tells my husband he does not deserve respect bc he wont adhere to her mothers wishes and she tells him she does not love him. She writes on her clothes "i hate it here and want to live with mom". and so many other countless issues, I would be writing a book if I mentioned all the times she has more than made it obvious that she hates living with us. We are not mean. her only rules are to respect others, obedience and clean up after herself. From the talks I have had with her, she is only angry (according to her) bc her dad is not fair bc he wont argue with her. She wants to be heard, I get that, but when the issue is closed then thats it, its closed.
So all the people who want whats best for the child, how am I to know that its best for her to stay some where she is not happy? My husband is convinced that she is just acting out to please her mother but I have seen this similar situation play out with my sister and her step son and he is a grown man now and RESENTS his parents for fighting in a custody battle when he was younger and wont even speak to his father. To be clear, I want my DH to move 6 hours away and have her stay with us for holidays and summer. I want her mom to have sole custody. His daughter is very disrespectfull to us and I dont want it to rub off on my child. I think she is continuing a cycle that my husbands former step children (her sisters) started. They hated him and made it known and still bad mouth him in to her.
Honestly when the enviroment is hostile or very negative, I dont feel its best to do joint custody. She is happy with her mom and I have read (yes, I know its just one study) that 50/50 is not always best for the child. Especially if the parents seem to despise each other and have trouble communicating.