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I Don't Know How to Be a StepWhatever to Two Terrbile Skids

stepchef's picture

I need help. I hate my SO’s kids. They are here again for a week, which means I am spending more time at work and sequestering myself to my bedroom to avoid having to deal with them.

I have to be clear. I’m not posting this lightly or just to whine. Nor is this a case of me not liking them because they aren’t mine. I have no kids of my own to favor. And yes, I was aware my SO had kids when we got together and yes, while I had no desire to have kids of my own, I fully embraced the role of step-whatever and in the beginning, I actually got excited about it. I read books about being a step parent, articles about blending families, I bought gifts, spent time, and did things I never thought I would get to do (because I have no biological children). I did all of this because I am so deeply in love with this man and was really excited about being in these kids’ lives. Nor am I a child hater. I’m Auntie and Godparent to a handful of wonderful kids AND I volunteer as a mentor for high school kids. I guess that is why this is so devastating. At this point, I see no way out but to break up with him.
We’ve been living together for 2 years now. Before that, when we were dating I did spend time with the kids and had plenty of interaction. All of it reasonably okay and I thought I had a grasp on what I was in for. When we moved in together and they started visiting or weekends, holidays, etc., I got a very rude awakening. Apparently, the pre-move-in kids were on their best behavior. Once we lived together, all decorum went out the window and I got a real view of what life would be like.
The 8 year old girl - The rudest, most disgusting child on the planet. When her hands aren’t down her pants digging or scratching, her fingers are in her nose, doing more digging. She refuses to bathe, comb her hair or wear clean clothes. She is behind in school and I’ve now learned her parents have been called in to talk with teachers and administrators about her bullying other children, which is of no surprise to me because she bullies kids and adults alike and if that doesn’t work, she throws DEFCON level 1 tantrums. She is rude in public, to service people, doesn’t say please or thank you and has the eating skills of a toddler. I had to watch her eat spaghetti with her hands last night while her father just sat on his phone, likely looking at Facebook while she dropped food all over the carpet. When I asked her to make sure she ate over the table, I got glared at. By kid and dad. Her eating habits are atrocious (she has to take medication for constipation because she will only eat about three things). If she is told to eat what she has on her plate, more tantrums. Nothing green, nothing real, nothing nutritious. Oh, except maybe condiments. Her father will put a jar of pickles in front of her and she will polish off the whole thing. I haven’t been able to get a pickle for a burger in my house for 2 years because she goes to the fridge, grabs them and eats them all pretty much in the first 4 hours of her arrival at my house.
She talks back to her father. Mainly thinks everything is a negotiation. She doesn’t like what we’re having for dinner? Okay, she’ll just hammer her dad with various scenarios until he breaks down and makes her a bowl of cereal and lets her off the hook for eating a real meal, “I'll have two bites of my dinner. Then I want Mike and Ikes.” If she isn’t successful, she makes disgusted noises at the table, let’s me know how awful she thinks the food is, makes faces, stamps her feet and whines.
She is abusive to animals and I fear for my cats when I’m not around. I have one cat who completely hides now when the kids come over. I know it’s because she’s been mistreated by this child. My other cat is less skittish, but she does cringe, run and HISS (she’s never hissed at anyone before) if the kids try to approach her. I raised these animals to be very social and comfortable with people. The fact that they run from her disturbs me. OH! A few weeks ago during our summer b real visit, she and her father had some discussion about getting a pet for her birthday. Either a kitten or a snake. She informed me she wants a “squeezing snake” because she knows they eat live mice and she wants to see “how a mouse looks when he is afraid he is going to die.” What. The. EFF. After this interaction, I told the SO this terror would get a pet at our place over my dead body, which, based on her comments and tendencies, doesn’t seem as implausible as one might think...
The 12 year old boy - Not that much better than his sister. He’s only marginally cleaner (I think because of peer pressure), isn’t so much a bully but like his sister, is so flipping spoiled he seems genuinely shocked and gets very upset if her’s asked to do so much as take his dinner plate into the kitchen when he is finished eating or if I DARE to change the TV channel in his presence. Doesn’t matter if he’s watching what’s on. He spends hours on his computer or IPad and pretty much figures he’s owed whatever new toy or gadget is on the market. Same thing with food and tantrums and rudeness in public.
Both of these kids push around their father and by proxy, me. If they don’t get what they want, they whine, fight, and scream. They fight constantly and the girl likes to scream. So, there is no peace in my house when they’re here.
The SO imposes no rules, no chores, no nothing. During our last visit (which was a five week stint during which I almost moved out), my house was a pig stye the entire time. They are allowed to run rampant in the house, use, destroy and take whatever they want. No boundaries, period. I reckon I’ve lost about $2,000 in consumer goods just from the kids destroying or getting into things they have no business being in. Like my cosmetics, artwork, kitchen tools, etc. In addition, they’re allowed to stay up until 1:00-2:00 AM, often fighting and screaming late into the night, which meant I spent five very unproductive weeks at work. I was finally able to impose a bedtime by changing the wifi password so no one had internet access for a day. However, I was reprimanded for not consulting the SO before making a decision to “punish his kids.” Because they won’t eat wholesome food, my food bill quadrupled.
So here they are again for a week before school begins. Their arrival was heralded by screaming and yelling, waking me from sleep (big surprise) and within an hour, the 8 year old had destroyed 20 bucks worth of disposable barware I had left over from an event and had forgotten to get out of her reach before they arrived. The boy managed to empty his luggage all over the living room and scatter his crap everywhere and Dad just stood by and watched it all with a big grin on his face. I woke up this morning to find my favorite juice consumed and the empty bottle on the living room floor. Spaghetti was ground into the carpet I just purchased for our living room. Toys and dirty clothes are already everywhere, as if I live in a blankety-blank frat house. Do I expect it to be better when I get home? HA!
The SO has made it clear to me that I am not to discipline his kids. In fact, I feel quite certain that my only role here is seen as maid, cook and ATM machine for the whole lot of them. I’ve managed to deal thus far by working late, spending time with friends and hiding in my bedroom but I’m pretty over it all now and I need a solution beyond hiding.
I’ve tried the usual conversations and they haven’t worked. The SO has a huge blind spot about his kids and doesn’t see any problem but me. Huh. Maybe that is my answer right there.
I love my SO something powerful and I do want to find a way to make this work but I see no way to improve my situation outside of just leaving, mending my broken heart and moving on.
Anyone have any thoughts?

Stepped in what momma's picture

I think sometimes we know the answer to the question we ask. I think you know the answer.

Yes you should move on. The kids aren't the issue here, the man you are in love with is the issue and the two kids the the bi product of your SO.

Run like hell. You can find another man.

Willow2010's picture

Have you thought of living separately til the kids are much older? It can work. It worked for me.

But if that is not an option, then you need to set SO down and lay out some ground rules.

1) You do not discipline his kids. They still have rules but discipline is left up to daddy.
2) The common areas of the house MUST stay clean. If they leave crap out, tell DH to please get it up.
3) You do not cook or buy food when they are there. You also do not say a thing about what they eat.
4) If they break anything, SO buys another.
5) Do not try to open your SOs eyes to the way his kids are or the way he parents.

There are many scenarios but the main thing is to disengage. Make SO clean or replace anything the skids mess up.

Example...skid got a stain in the carpet...you go to SO and say...One of the kids made a stain in the carpet, please go clean it up babe.

notasm3's picture

That man sounds like yet another loser/user and he's raising two more of them.

hereiam's picture

My thought is, "Holy cow, there is just no way I could live like that. And I wouldn't."

Get your own place or give them the boot, whichever fits your situation.

cera17's picture

I agree with the others, you need to leave. I have a horrible situation with my husband's ex (I posted on here this morning for the first time). But my husband tries to make it better and he does let me have authority inside our home and I discipline the kids if I have to. It's YOUR house too and you should have some say in how it's run. I know you love him but there are better men out there. This situation doesn't sound healthy- mentally, emotionally, or physically. I hope you have the courage and leave.

stepchef's picture

Thank you all. I think many of you are right. There is no answer but to leave the situation. Appreciate your thoughts very much.

oneoffour's picture

How can you love someone who does not respect you, does not care for your health, care for your personal possessions and allows his own children to be on an equal footing with you. What is to love?

If your sister or your mother was living like with what would you tell her?

Move out. Find your own quiet calm CLEAN place to situate you and your cats and leave him to his vermin offspring. What a pity there isn't a way to take out a Govt Health warning on him and his offspring.