Horrible, Abusive SD - What to do about it?
Snowflake has absolutely crossed several lines and we're at a loss. We've tried counseling, but she takes the counselor's words and uses them against us - it goes something like this:
Counselor asks how SD feels about the changes since BM left and reports that it was a good session. SD reports she feels better and learned things to control her anger. then... something like this happens:
US: Why did you do that after we just told you not to?
SD: Because I don't like all the changes.
SD told DH on ONE subsequent incident: because I want to live with mommy, I want money to buy stuff, I don't like the changes, I want mommy to live here with us, and I don't know.
She laughs at my BD when she's under punishment and treats BD like sh*t, she destroys property (her own, BD's, everyone's), she's disrespectful, and she's manipulative.
Counseling isn't working, spanking doesn't work, writing assignments don't work, grounding doesn't work, removing all of her toys and possessions and making her earn them back hasn't worked. We honestly don't know what to do, but I am absolutely fed up! As far as "living with mommy" is concerned - BM doesn't want her and SD is only hurting DH.
BTW - SD is only 7 and
BTW - SD is only 7 and already acting like this.
I don't know what else to do.
I was thinking about you.
I was thinking about you. Glad to hear from you, sorry it's such an unhappy update.
When you figure this out, let me know. My sd has a similar personality. At 16 and having been through so much with her or should I say at her hands I feel little compunction in letting her have it when she forces it. Just a couple weeks ago she tried this line after being called out for aggressive, mean behavior: "It's just that -sniff- all of this overwhelms me." (sniff, tears, poor me) I didn't even think first I just blurted out, "Your behavior all the time overwhelms ME."
My mil informs me she was actually worse as a younger child. I don't know what you do with a 7 year old. All I can say is in my case an air of authority and no nonsense and "not buying it" have been the most effective for me.
Consequences should be instantaneous. Once she was fussing with her brother over a computer and I gave her 3 warnings that she could back off or lose the computer. The 4th time I just crawled underneath her feet and unplugged the thing without a word. She knows to be very careful before messing with me. But she is still not nice or pleasant or has not given up her aggressive ways in general. And the co-option of therapy-speak to excuse away all her bad behavior.
Strangely, I am the only
Strangely, I am the only person she has not messed with. I'm not sure what makes me different than DH or BD, but they seem to be fair game for her. Even though she doesn't test me (for now, I assume it's coming at some point), I can't sit quietly and watch while she attacks everyone else with her poisonous manipulation. Honestly, at the moment, it amazes me because I am not as sweet and forgiving as they are - I adhere to my expectations and I am considerably strict - you'd think she'd attack me at every chance, but she doesn't.
I don't fall for the "poor me" game and I call her on her crap as soon as she dishes it out. Almost every day, I find out when I've come home from work that she's had another incident, either directed at my daughter or her father. I swear - basic training for the Army was easier than being a step parent!
Thank you for thinking of me <3 I've been having trouble with this site lately in that none of my posts were showing up. I don't know what happened, but it seems to be fixed now. You're tough - I really don't know how you manage it with a 16 year old, I'm afraid of what my SD could turn into if I can't redirect her by then and I would probably lose my mind.
I'm seriously at a loss. Encouragement doesn't work because she treats it as validation. Discipline doesn't seem to work because she doesn't seem to respond to any of it. Maybe if I can figure out why she attacks them, but not me, I'll have some ground to work with.
Well, I think you've got your
Well, I think you've got your answer: "I don't fall for the "poor me" game and I call her on her crap as soon as she dishes it out."
She sees you're a horse of a different color. As the therapist I went to last year said to me, "children do what works." The guilt-o-rama stuff works on dad to one degree or another so she does it. Doesn't work on you so she holds back.
When sd was 12 and still liked me I took her on an outing just us 2 during which she behaved very obnoxiously trying to get her way. I just ignored her and kept heading to where I wanted us to go. She was exhausting herself with her ridiculous behavior (screaming "wah, wah, wah" relentlessly. I'm not kidding. 12 years old.). About 20 minutes in to the drive she took a breath and said, "Man, you're not gullible like dad."
Badda boom badda bing. Right there, Mr. Spock, right there.
I intend to remain
I intend to remain consistent, I'm just worried about the effect all of this is having on BD and DH. Plus, BM is stirring all of this up and there's nothing I can do to stop BM or to teach SD not to listen to the lies and deceit. BM is all too willing to use emotional triggers to plant thoughts and behaviors in SD's mind and then, once SD is all wound up, BM aims her at my house and lets go. Atty says there's nothing we can do to stop what happens at BM's house and, because BM and her new SO haven't physically harmed the children, there's no evidence of any kind of misdealings. So, essentially, we have to suck it up after every visitation. It's amazing the amount of damage that is caused in a mere 4 days a month that it takes us the rest of the month to recover from.
Ironically, I was just
Ironically, I was just thinking about that this morning. At 7, she's already more manipulative than some of the nastiest adults I've ever known (and I work at a law firm, I come across some shady people) and she can drop those very convincing "poor me" puppy dog eyes in a heartbeat. I was thinking about what could be done to either prevent that, or to CMA in the chance she tries to pull that. I never expected that from such a young child, so I don't know what to do or whether or not I'll see it coming (she's sneaky).
You have the 7 year old
You have the 7 year old version of my stepson, ASS. He refuses to do what he's told, he refuses to apologize for assaulting me, he refuses to do anything that he doesn't think is important.
He is just, well, a ass. Hence his name.
I probably shouldn't have
I probably shouldn't have laughed at that, but I appreciate the nickname and it is SO appropriate here. I needed that.
Don't thank me, thank Tuff
Don't thank me, thank Tuff Noogies. She's the one who gave it to him. His first name starts with an A, and he is a SS, and he certainly is an ASS.
Hence, the name.
We don't know all of what
We don't know all of what happens during the one-on-one sessions, but it doesn't seem to be improving anything. To the 7 year old, her feelings outweigh the merits of what's right or wrong. I spoke to a counselor who recommends that we just remain consistent and not let SD win the power struggle. She said that the child will eventually see the stability and that she won't get away with the manipulation. I hope she's right, because it's getting pretty hairy over here. BD already told SD not to bother talking to her - SD responded by "misplacing" one of BD's necklaces. I'm not sure how much further that could escalate, but I am not going to allow SD to mistreat BD.
Definitely your SO and you
Definitely your SO and you (because the child lives with you so at the moment you are in the Mom role) should be meeting regularly with the therapist to discuss progress and address any issues. The child is 7 years old, parental input is a must.
You need to be firm, calm, and consistent. Your SO also needs to parent from a place of "strong fair-mindedness", thinking of what is best for the child (and the family as a whole) in the long-term, as opposed to the short-term distraction of an angry child who is acting out due to not getting her own way.
As for shit from the BM, nip it in the bud as soon as your SD starts. Make it clear that her mother has nothing to do with your household and no say in how you run your home - therefore you have no interest in what she says/does and no wish to hear it. The rules in your house are XYZ, end of story.
ETA - And I agree with Tog. You don't ask a 7-year-old, you tell them. Asking implies that they have a say and a choice, which at that age and on certain issues, they don't. You are the adults, therefore you have the authority.