You are here

Marriage is on the rocks because of my ego and resentment towards my 16 year old stepson

Bman7511's picture

So here is my story in a nutshell. Wife and I have been married for close to 2 years now. Dated for 3 years before that. I have broken a bunch of social norms to marry my beautiful wife who truly is a 1 in a million type of woman in that she loves to cook phenomenal food, is incredibly domesticated, and loves to work out. The social norms that I broke was age-her 48 me 36, race me white her Asian, kids me none her SD 12 and SS 16. I never in a million years envisioned marrying a woman 12 years my senior with 2 kids who are a completely different race than me but she is a truly kind and giving woman who is incredibly dedicated to me and her kids and she is incredibly physically attractive (especially for her age) so we had pretty good chemistry - why not give it the old college try? Now our marriage is on the rocks all because of my ego and resentment towards my 16 year old stepson. Here's why and my thought process. All of my friends/acquaintances have biological children of their own. They keep on saying that their kids are the best thing that ever happened to them and how much pleasure it gives them to raise children. I love my stepkids because they are truly great kids but it is nowhere near the same type of love a biological parent has for their kids and I kind of feel like I am missing out on the joys of parenting. I also have a dislike towards my SS that I feel is 100% on the primal level. To describe further, I have an Alpha Male like disdain towards him because he is growing a lot more confident and he is living on my "turf" and he talks loudly in the house to the rest of the family members while I have retreated and become super passive to my wife and 2 kids because they are now the big personalities of the house and I am the quiet guy who is always chilling.. I used to be the outgoing/highly articulate guy and now that personality has disappeared! It bugs me that I am no longer that guy. However I would be more at peace with it if I had children of my own whom I loved and adored. So I have all these crazy internal feelings that "I am a failure as a man" because my wife and step kids basically run the show in a house that I bought by myself and I am no longer the alpha male that I used to be. So my SS came home from summer break and he grew a good bit and I had this crazy biological internal hatred that another man was invading my turf and that he does not belong! However, the kid is a great kid and I should have no resentment towards him whatsoever but I truly feel my disdain is primal and that humans were never really encoded to be step parents... Especially to kids who are somewhat close in age to the parents and who are a different race. Due to my primal urges, I ended up super freaking out on him verbally a couple nights ago (for no truly justifiable reason). Now my wife is in the process of moving out and getting a divorce because of my over the top freak out to her son. I can't blame her, but I felt like I was reestablishing myself as the king of the jungle.. Thoughts?

Rags's picture

I completely understand what you are going through. I believe it is in part a mamalian biological thing where one male cannot tolerate the presence of the spawn of another male in their pride (like pride of lions).

I suffered from a similar revulsion to my SS's presence when my bride and I were dating. He was a 1yo sweet kid and I still found myself having an irrational physical refulsion to his presence. So, I had a choice to make. So do you if your bride will give you another chance. I decided that if my priority was to try to make a life with my amazing bride I would have to gut through my internal struggles regarding my SS. So I engaged. I carried him on my shoulders, I chased him through play scapes, his mom and I would walk holding his hands between us and swinging him in the air, I acted as his dad. Eventually I was his dad.

Though your SS is obviously much older than mine was during my period of addressing similar feelings to what you are experiencing I think the solution tactic is the same. You have to engage and take the actions of caring and engaging. With the actions of care eventually the feelings you are having will change. Actions build emotion and feelings. The the difference is that unlike the lions who kill the progeny of their predecessor you have the ability to choose your behavior. So, choose the behavior. If it is too late to salvage your marriage then at least gain the benefit of learning from this experience. You can choose your actions so next time choose more wisely.

forever2's picture

Interesting. I have always known that my distain for SS was primal and I have always realized how completely unnatural it is to have someone else's kids on your turf, using your resources, taking time away from your partner. We are not so removed for the animal species that we don't follow the logical order of things and evolution. I just always assumed this was a strong female response. Happy and enlighted to know a man can feel this way, although I also know a whole lot more stepdads who couldn't care less about having his wife's kids around. Your feelings are valid and real, so don't feel bad about them or ignore them. You can see for yourself that the situation is getting worse. As hard as it is now, your wife is doing you a huge favor by moving out and initiating the divorce. My advice, try to enjoy this time without her. Don't sit at home in the house and wallow in pity waiting for her to call or come home. Pick a few of your favorite things and go do them. Get out of the house. Go somewhere new. Take a long drive and check out the 36 year old, childless, beautiful women on the beach. Get a dog. Buy a boat. Exercise. Lose weight. Whatever you need to do. Just step emotionally away so you can see what your life could be like. You obviously want your own kids. Good for you. You are so young still. Say you learned something from this mess, take time for yourself, meet the woman of your dreams (not some older woman with baggage) and start over. You have plenty of time. I just hope the ex doesn't bleed you dry financially, but either way, you will be so much happier to start fresh. Good luck.

P.S I suspect the your wife will try to come back at some point, but remember, you don't have to take her back. These are your choices so be strong.

Andie91801's picture

My 2 pennies

1. She's asian and Asian usually loud - Its a culture thing - American: quiet and polite

2. She's a mom and her children is her world. Don't put husband vs kids on the scale because you will lose. Children always come first. - It's a culture thing - Again. - American: divide time equally between kids n husband

3. Age different - Older one should have the last word (unless she was born and raised in American otherwise the age different will affect who will have the last word/authority/decision making in the house) - And usually woman runs inside the household and man just basically money maker - sorry - culture thing - Again. American: Age is not important - As long as you can prove you're right.

A.

I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much. Mother Teresa