Shielding from / Preparing for ... resources to help kids with unstable Bio parents
So after my last post in another forum I have come to realize that I am not responsible for BMs mental health. I am working on letting go of the stress and guilt I have and I am no longer going over and above to try to share every little thing (especially when we get nothing when she has skid). My priority is my family and for us to be happy and healthy and consistent. She has proven time and time again she will not be capable of being stable and my only concern in terms of her moving forward is how she will effect skid.
Have any of you found any good resources or books or are any of you farther down this road and could provide some insight?
I do not want to lie for her, but there are age appropriate explanations for when she flakes out, for when she lays in bed all day crying, for when she lives with new partners frequently.
She has said when she has skid he is the only thing keeping her alive and I am worried that he will feel that emotional pressure and weight on him as he gets older. Right now he is preschool age and I already notice a change in him depending on how her mood is. I'm not talking about just different style parenting I mean complete emotional dependance on a toddler. He is already aware that he shouldn't pay attention to me in front of her, shouldn't be too happy to see his dad when we switch back. As he gets older how do we kindly but openly allow him to know that he doesn't need to be her crutch?
Sorry, just really hoping our influence will balance out her guilt trips and fits.....
how old are the children?
how old are the children?
3 years old. I am hoping to
3 years old. I am hoping to get ahead of this before school age and questions start.
I would start by helping him
I would start by helping him understand his own emotions and then as time moves on he will be able to help relate his emotions to that of his mother and how just because someone feels a certain way dosen't mean they will stay that way and it isn't his job to try to fix it. Unfortunately kids are very intuative and pick up on emotions of those around them easily, however they are also very adaptable and frequent changes in their living situation they can take in thier stride with much less anguish than we would imainge they should feel.
I got my SD7 some books about emotions when she was acting out a bit and her mother's life was a bit chaotic. I'm not sure how much they helped but she does like reading them. I have even sent the books over to her mothers house at times when I felt like it might be a good idea for her mom to read them too (though it has to be done subtly so it doesn't look like you are trying to dictate to BM but are simply trying to help the child.)
I got a few books from this series:
http://www.amazon.com/When-Feel-Angry-Way-Books/dp/0807588970/ref=sr_1_2...
I found them to be good ways to cover the various topics and you can bring them out at appropriate times or your son can select the book he wants to read. Though I have generally found that the books selected seem to be random and don't seem to have a link to how SD is feeling that day. They also contain some advice for parents in helping kids deal with the different emotions.
I also got this book which is a beautiful dr seuss book that my SD likes. It helps children to see that emotions are not permanent and that it is ok to feel different emotions. You can also start a conversation about what color they feel that day and what color you feel too so they start to think about others feelings too. It might be mores suited to a 3 year old than the other books as it is more of a picture book style.
http://www.amazon.com/Many-Colored-Days-Dr-Seuss/dp/067989344X/ref=sr_1_...
There are plenty more books out there to choose from. These are just the ones I got. I like dealing with issues with SD using books, kids love to re-read books so it sinks in over time and having words on a page and pictures to look at help make it sink in and stay in her head better than any conversation we could have with her that she would forget the next day.
Unfortunately we can't protect them from their mothers and we can't stop them caring about them too. The best we can do is offer stability with dad and help guide them through their emotions.
Thank you, I am going to pick
Thank you, I am going to pick up a few books for him and just concentrate on keeping things consistent and stable here.
Sometimes I just have those days when I think about the heartbreak she may cause in his future. Fingers crossed she gets on track and I have worried for nothing but I'm not going into it without prep so I feel a bit better and who doesn't love Dr Suess!? I love book shopping so hurray!
Thanks again for your response