New to Site.
Greetings Gentlemen,
I'm new here and wanted to say hello.I’ve been reading a few posts and even though most of your stories sound like you've been having a rough time with your skids, it has made me feel a little better to know I'm not the only one. My story isn't near as bad as some of yours...YET! But I fear for what the future might bring with my SD.
I'm married with a SD8 and a DD of 15 months of my own. The thing is, my SD has never really accepted me IMO, she has had it stuck in her head that her father is some kind of superhero up until 4 months ago but truth be told, he's more like a super villain! It's easier to put it into billets.
1.Dad always picked kid up late and dropped off early but blamed us. Still superhero!
2.Dad stops paying child support. Still superhero!
3.Dad runs away to another state when court system goes after his paycheck.Lie was sold to kid to maintain hero status... Still superhero!
4.Dad gets arrested for beating up a woman.Lie was sold to kid to maintain hero status... Still superhero!
5.Dad can't leave that state till court hearing. Lie was sold to kid to maintain hero status that dad was working in another state so he can make money to see her. When kid gets upset, he buys her gifts and mails them to our house but sill no child support. Still superhero!
6.Meanwhile, step-dad is doing all the real work. He's feeding, clothing,helping with homework, paying half of everything for this child and I get no smile, no real interest, I always get the friend hug( distant body and a pat on the back) at bedtime. Which was fine in the beginning but its been over 3 yrs.I clean up his mess when she's crying over him not being here and when she feels better, he's the superhero again and I'm just Frank the step-dad.
7.Dad's calls don't work after being gone over 1 1/2 yrs. She thinks he doesn't love her anymore and he won't tell her when he's coming home. So I made my wife tell her a kid glove version of him getting into trouble and that's why he can't come home. Some may judge the decision of telling her but I grew up without a father and was sold lies to protect me and it made it worse when I found out he left us and remarried and had more kids. Believe it or not, she felt better after we told her the truth, it created trust. Somehow he was back in superdad status though.
8.Dad gets in even more trouble, attempted murder! Flees the state, no one knows where this guy went. Get's caught trying to leave the country and extradited back to fled state. Now she hasn't spoke to him for months and starts asking a lot of questions and we told her that he got in more trouble.
Now this kid is finally pissed at her dad and he's no longer a superdad. I feel bad, I wanted this guy to be knocked off of his pedestal so bad but not like this. Like I said in the beginning, I worry about the future. A future when she googles his name and finds out the real story.
I've always had a little bit of a problem with her though, she doesn't listen very well. I bought her a nice bedroom set when she moved into my house and the rule was to keep her room clean. That's been a uphill battle for three yrs. but I finally got my wife on board about taking it all away and I'll sell the bedroom set to someone who will respect and appreciate it if she doesn't follow the rules again. The kid is bossy and acts like she is an adult. Tried telling me to keep it down in my room the other night because she was trying to sleep. Lol, that didn't work out so well for her. I raged a little and told her to never tell the man of the house to keep it quite, when he does everything for her and to show some respect.
Clearly has no boundary's, comes into my room to talk to her mom when I'm trying to get into the shower or change. She's jealous of her little sister, does the look at me I need validation thing constantly, anytime you say something about the baby's cuteness, she has to chime in "am I cute"? If I try to play with my baby she's up my butt now that her dad is gone. She has tried telling me how to do things for or with my baby like I'm doing it wrong, what the hell does she know. I dread coming home at times, I hear her talking before I get there because she never stops talking. When you're not talking to her, she's talking to herself. I have to tell her to go in the other room or stop talking when I can't take it anymore. My wife says I should do more one on one with her but I don't want too, she drives me crazy!
Now don't think we haven't tried. We shower her with attention but it's never enough. I swear her drug is attention, give her a drop and she's fining for another fix. When you stop, she's begging for more, you feel bad and give her more thinking your a bad parent or something if you don't but then she wants more, it's never enough. Thing is, I know where that kind of attention seeking leads to...Underage sex with men and lots of them. I am a man and I've met my fair share of girls exactly like her. She's a textbook case... girl with daddy issues.
I need to figure out a way to save this girl before it's too late, I can't have her BS spillover into my daughter's life. I refuse to fail these kids.
Thanks for letting me vent, if you guys have any positive advice, I'm all ears.
Thanks Again!
Right on, thanks! It just
Right on, thanks! It just upsets me when she's feeling down about him and I'm trying so hard for to see the great life we're trying to create for her. Yeah as I read several pages from the forums here, I'm starting learn things and except them for what they are.
I'd say this all sounds
I'd say this all sounds pretty normal (even you), but maybe you can go to a behavioral therapist to get a handle on some of the behaviors that are bugging you. They can give you some good strategies and tactics that maybe you haven't thought of yet - and it's best to get this under control NOW before she's a teenager!
Well that is a relief to
Well that is a relief to hear, and yea I'd like for us to see a therapist in the near future. I also agree about getting a handle on it now and it's what brought me to Google to search for a stepparent forum. I kinda like it here, I felt so unsure about even writing anything and to some degree I still am but I'll get used to it. Thanks for sending a positive message.
Thank you for the kind words
Thank you for the kind words and even more for seeing how hard I'm trying to be the best as a stepdad can be. I know the world is a tough place, I've seen some nasty shit when I was in the Infantry on deployment while in the Army and I vowed to live a good life and start a family if I made it home. Well here I am and doing my best lol. I wasn't always a good guy, I had demons in my head from my own father abandoning me when I was 3 and left my mother to raise two boys on her own. We desperately needed a father and it's another reason I take parenting so seriously. It just makes me hate SD's dad even more and all the other deadbeat dads out there. When I look at my DD and the love I have for her, there is no way I'd risk ever putting myself in a situation that was unbecoming. It just baffles me the mess people leave behind in their wake.
Wow, yes you have put some time into your SD and it's unfortunate that you are not getting the recognition you rightfully deserve. I hope one day when she's all grown up, living a life as a mother, takes a step back and calls you to ask "How the hell did you juggle it all?" lol And says thank you!
Thanks Jasper, I'll keep
Thanks Jasper,
I'll keep coming back, I like to hear other peoples stories, it comforts me to know that everyone is going through rough times and that we all say it's not an easy job to raise someone else's kid.
I always say that if my kids
I always say that if my kids don't say they hate me at least once, I am not doing a good job!
Facts. This kid needs them,
Facts. This kid needs them, all of them starting now. In an age appropriate manner of course. Keeping the truth from her is the absolutely wrong thing to do IMHO. You have already started to introduce her to the facts of her toxic BioDad. Keep it up.
Though my Skid's Sperm Idiot is not as disgusting as your Skid's Sperm Donor the Sperm Idiot is a dirtbag none the less. Extensive arrest record, 4 out of wedlock children by 3 different baby mamas (my SS is the eldest of his and our only), etc.... We decided early to arm our son (my SS) with the facts regarding the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. Though we would counter any toxic Sperm Clan manipulations with fact when he was younger than 8, 8 was when we started presenting the more complete picture to him. Still in an age appropriate manner but we shared the facts. Eventually he started doing his own research and fact verification regarding his Sperm Idiot and the broader Sperm Clan.
My wife and I met when SS was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. SS is now 23 and fully armed and capable of protecting himself from his Sperm Clan with the facts of the entire history of the Custody/Visitation/Support CO, the financial records, criminal records, and employment termination facts of not only his Sperm Idiot but also the SpermGrandParents. His mom and I always considered it as part of our responsibility as his parents to prepare him to deal with his Sperm Clan. My son (SS) asked me to adopt him in April of this year. We made that happen including a name change and a birth certificate change. I have been his dad since he was 2yo not I am his dad legally, on his birth certificate, and the other guy is nothing but the POS he has always been.
As for your SD accepting you. Be her dad. She will accept you eventually. Start priming her with the facts of her BioDad's criminal and toxic crap and lies. Keep presenting her with the facts any time there is a manipulation or she gets upset about his disappearance. She is at the age where she can begin to digest the facts and over the next 10-12ish years as you and your DW give her the complete and clear picture she will very likely come to clarity regarding who her REAL dad is.
Good luck and take care of yourself and your family.
Hello Rags, Thank you for
Hello Rags,
Thank you for sharing your story and giving solid advice. We've actually been telling kiddo the truth (kid friendly version)when she asks about her dad. She's taken it pretty well considering but ended up feeling fatherless. I had to sit her down and have her write out a list of what she though a dad should be. The wife and I also added some of our own. Then we asked her to put a check by everything that I do for her. Turns out that I'm fulfilling that role 100%. I then explained to her that just because I'm not her bio-dad, doesn't mean I can't be her dad if my intentions are true. It has made her feel better to some degree but I think we're going to send her to counseling so she can get a better grip on this. Time will tell.