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Adult SD #2 can't speak for herself. Mommy steps in again.

stepmomdavis's picture

My SD28 was complaining to her mom about the fact that my DH went for a walk with her sister a couple weeks ago and not her. You may remember my post on the "park date" between the BM and my DH where they discussed me and a bunch of other bs. DH has asked SD out repeatedly to hang out but she is always too busy.

She told her mom that maybe Dad hasn't walked with her because she is scary. What the f? I think there is some real emotional instability in this family.

So BM whips into action and starts texting DH. She wanted him to know because this is so important. Hey nosy, how about you encourage your adult child to have her own relationship with her father? So I lost it. I told my ex enough is enough and we had a huge fight. He told me that BM's actions are his idea of good parenting. He started denigrating my relationship with my sons, which is great by the way but one always has issues with kids that can be used as a weapon if one is an asshole.

Then he put the last nail in the coffin when I tried to discuss what might be bothering his daughter, he told me to stop talking. That this is none of my business! None of my business but his ex is an angel for tattling on her adult child! I can't remember ever being this disgusted with DH or BM before.

I backed off after the walk in the park but I am done backing off with either the BM or my DH. I am done. There will be no more cooked meals or marital anything until he agrees to go for counseling. As for his ex, I am done being silent.

stepmomdavis's picture

When BM IS inserting herself in our lives At 11 o'clock at night with multiple text messages and the phone is dinging all over the place, then it is certainly Affects me and my business. When my DH goes for a walk in the park and hugs his ex And talks about me and his relationship with me it is certainly my business.

tigerlily74's picture

Why on earth is he walking in the park and hugging his Ex??? And talking to her about your relationship??? GOODNESS!

stepmomdavis's picture

What I have been told by BM is that they were married for 26 years and she left him. She apparently lived in the downstairs bedroom for the last year of their marriage. DH apparently had an Internet addiction for a long time like a lot of men when they just got home computers, this is not a problem now. He is hardly ever on the computer.

He also stupidly told her he had a crush on her sister. She obviously was upset by this. To this day I am not sure why he told her this. Clueless I guess. Anyway she told her daughters after the divorce that they should make sure to marry their best friend. She told me that she knew that she had probably made a mistake the morning after they got married yet she stayed married to him for 26 years and had three children with him.

he also overbooked himself with outside activities while she stayed home and home schooled their children. He played basketball and softball and was in plays and in choir and a barbershop quartet. You get the idea. He has a lot more reasonably planned activities now by the way. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who was gone constantly. It has been 10 years since she left him.

sandye21's picture

SD is 28 years old and should be adult enough to handle her issues on her own without BM. Please do not discuss SD with your DH anymore. BUT tell him if there are problems with SD they must discuss them between themselves, and BM must be out of his life. If he can't do this, insist on going to counseling. I agree with Sally - if he cannot take BM out of his life maybe it is time to move on. This is a deal breaker.

stepmomdavis's picture

This is totally a deal breaker, I agree. He must go to counseling with me and get BM out of his life. It would be one thing if these were actual emergencies with the kids, but they're not. And all three of his children are adults now and perfectly capable of having conversations with their father.

stepmomdavis's picture

Of course I speak up. I said we had a fight about it. That was me not looking the other way,

stepmomdavis's picture

Annith, thank you. I could not agree more. Marriage is a partnership. If we have no influence with our spouse than why be married.

IslandGal's picture

Sounds like your DH is more into making sure his ex and SD are happy, rather than focusing on making YOU happy.

As for his telling you to "stop talking"?? Lordy me..I would've been so tempted to slap him into sunset for that..!

I'd be making exit plans..it sounds as though he's not really into you.

AVR1962's picture

The point that you are right now where you feel tired of being understanding, holding your tongue and letting things go is a real common place to get when you have endured so much nonsense. Your husband doesn't get it, this is what he's lived his whole marital life bringing up his daughters. he thinks the bio mom jumping in is healthy mom stuff but what he can't see is that SD is an adult and mommy needs to let her daughter speak for herself. Your husband no longer has to have this tied involvement with his ex.

I got to the point where you are now, was just DONE, could not take it any longer and boy did I stop holding my tongue. No one liked it and I can tell you I am not well liked by my inlaws or my steps but I wasn't before either. Stand your ground but be careful not to do things in retaliation. We might not want to cook, so don't cook but don't not cook because you are mad at husband. Talk that part of it thru. Be firm on what you expect and what you want, how you see things and how much you can and cannot be a part of issues. he ultimately has to make his own choices and those you may not be able to influence. He has to live with his choices like you have to live with yours.

still learning's picture

Let me see if I got this right; BM is a great parent, your relationship with your kids suck and you should stop talking. Your DH is a fool to treat you like this.

still learning's picture

co-dependent on mommy to do all the talking/intervention for her. I wonder if BM holds her hands at job interviews and talks to her boss for her too. Let me count thee ways that we cripple our kids...

stepmomdavis's picture

Kids today are crippled by this helicopter parenting. Whenever my sons would have an issue with their father I would hear them out and I would commiserate, then I would tell them to talk to their father honestly about how they felt.

Thing that bothers me the most about all of this, & a lot of things about this bother me, is the fact that he chose to criticize and put me down for my relationship with my children which is way better than his relationship with his children. He used my Vulnerability against me. For instance, I have been missing my 28 year old son a lot recently because he is in a serious relationship and he is doing what adults do working hard. I haven't seen much of him lately so DH tried to say that I have a bad relationship with my son because He doesn't have much time for me. I mean what sort of jerk says that after hearing my fears about and my feelings about my son?

I am reevaluating my life. I am reevaluating my relationship. I have decided to seek out a therapist who specializes in blended families. my DH is acting like this never happened. Like we didn't fight, like she didn't text him, like his relationship with her isn't inappropriate. but I cannot ignore it.