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BM basically wants to pawn son off on SO and I...stressed! (sorry, it's kind of a novel)

PrincessCupcake's picture

My apologies in advance for this post being so long, this is such a complicated situation.

SO and I have stable, committed relationship. Neither one of us want to get married again, as we don't feel it is necessary. However we are in the midst of planning a pregnancy within a year, and are tied together financially. We just don't feel we need a piece of paper from a courthouse to prove we love each other.

For reasons I'm not going in to here, SO has been unable to physically see his son in four years, however has kept up communication with him via skype, phone and facebook. As soon as it was possible, his son (13 yo) was flown here for a two-week visit, which has now turned into a month long visit, because he wanted to visit his Dad longer. He's still here visiting.

Son's home life is...weird. BM is involved with a married man. She lives in a two-room shed behind said man's trailer with SO's son and her older son (different father). They have to go into the trailer to use the kitchen and the bathroom. Child services checked everything out and said it was okay because they had electricity, heat, a microwave, access to a bathroom, computers, tv, etc.

BM's relationship with the married man is highly volatile. Older son has a girlfriend and often kicks SO's son out of their bedroom in order to have sex with her. BM doesn't work, except to clean up at married man's auto shop a couple of days a week and makes $60 a week.

So, that's the background...

Friday, BM messages me on facebook and asks me what I thought about son living with SO and I for the school year, at the same time asking me to keep it between us and not talk to him about it. That wasn't something I could do. I may have violated her trust in me, but when it comes to his son, I feel he needs to know these things.

SO and I had already talked to his son about the possibility of him moving in with us, but said that it would be his choice only. I told BM this, and she said that if he's going to stay, it needs to be now, so he doesn't get uprooted from school in the middle of the year.

BM said she doesn't feel like she's giving him what he deserves, and feels he should be with his Dad right now. That she needs to get out of the relationship she's in. Could go to her sister's (where there wouldn't be room for her son) or go to a women's shelter (which won't allow him with her because he's 13). Said the women's shelter can help her get a job and into a place of her own.

Then today she says that she can't stay with her sister because her sister will be moving soon. I asked her if she'd be okay with him not flying back down to NC (we're in PA) to be able to see her and his brother before moving up here, because right now we cannot afford another plane ticket. She said she'd have to deal with it. Mine and SO's first thought was "aren't you more worried about how your son is going to feel about that?"

So we asked about if he didn't want to move here. She said that he would have to adapt to what ever happens, and she just thought he'd like to spend more time with his Dad and this would be a perfect time for that, especially with all her issues right now.

BM also said that there would be no need for him to return to collect any personal items, because he has everything he owns with him. Which floored me. He brought a suitcase that was three quarters full of clothes, a pillow, blanket, laptop, and backpack with him. That's all he owns?!! She even sent him up here with his social security card, some medical records and everything (he already had to have his birth certificate to get on the plane.

She has talked to him on skype and facebook about this, but hasn't told him anywhere near what she has told his father and I. Myself and my SO are at a loss about what to do. We feel it's fair for him to know the full story of what she is saying, but we also don't want to bad mouth her in any way. We don't want to make him feel as if we're attempting to sway him in the direction of moving in with us (even though ultimately that is what we, his grandmother, and evidently his BM want), by constantly bringing the topic up. But we'd need to know as soon as possible. Because if he does stay, school starts on the 3st and he needs to be registered and clothes bought, and we need to find a new house, because while this one is fine for visiting, it's not big enough for all three of us to live in, and we'd need to get him new furniture for his bedroom.

I'm so stressed over this. My SO is so stressed over this. And having never been a parent in any shape or form ever, I have no idea of what to do.

Sorry for the novel!

Indigo's picture

Don't stop your birth control yet.

Welcome to STeptalk. SS-13 will now most likely be living with you for the next few years. Plan on it. Make room in a one bedroom apt or whatever, school starts next week so there is no time to move yet. Good luck.

PrincessCupcake's picture

Indigo - School actually starts on the 31st. The one key on my laptop doesn't like to work properly half the time, and I didn't catch that it wasn't there before I posted.

Tog - Other than being rather quiet and really in to his video games, he's a good kid. He needs a little help to do better in school, but he has no behavior problems. He's got friends back home that he hangs out with, though sadly mostly inside, due to the rules of the trailer park that kids under 14 must be supervised by a parent when outside.

Part of why SO hasn't seen him is her, part is work, part is money.

Indigo's picture

Thanks for the clarification. Last night all I could think was "fasten your seatbelt." Hope it works out well for SS. This age is hard, especially with the silliness at BM's place and he will need his father.

ChiefGrownup's picture

No way would I let it be the boy's decision. We have been very clear with sd16 that it is not her choice whether she comes for visitation. It's up to the grownups.

I would jump at the chance to take this boy in. I would immediately memorialize the agreement in court. The way the kid is living at BM's is dreadful. This is dad's chance to save the boy.

Even if were a lot less bad at BM's, a 13 year old boy really does need more of his dad than ever before.

The kid thinks if he picks one parent over the other he'll be hurting someone's feelings. This is why he hasn't decided yet. I would not tell him all of BM's troubles and plans. I would simply say, "kiddo, we're so happy to start this new year! Your mom and I agreed it's best for you to stay here from now on and we're all so very excited about it!"

PrincessCupcake's picture

Yes it stresses us out, thank you very much. Please don't try and tell me that whatever your situation is is all unicorns and rainbows, because I'm pretty sure it's not. Pawned off may have not been the correct wording, however that is the way it feels considering she waited until her son decided to stay an extra two weeks to bring this up, when it was known for over three months that he was going to be coming up here, and her situation has been bad for quite some time. And she sent him up here with EVERYTHING necessary for him to move here without returning. So yes, we do feel as if she's pawning him off without any regard as to how HE feels. Would we be delighted to have him in our home? More than ecstatic.

Yes, I chose to align myself with a man who has a child. I have no problem with that. However calling him a name, when you only know the information you have read online is rude, at best. Do you honestly think he's been happy about this situation these past four years?

Yes, his son most likely gets that his mother isn't exactly the most stable person in the world. That doesn't mean that we need to say anything of the sort to him.

I'm stressing out because I'm 33 years old, I have no kids of my own, and I'm facing bringing a teenager in to my house. A 13 year old boy who obviously hasn't had much in the way of parenting in the past four years. Not only that, but his father and I did not know the full extent of the home situation until just now, and both our hearts are breaking. Learning to navigate new waters can be quite stressful, and we are allowed to be stressed at this situation without being harshly criticized. Both of us only want what is best for him. Which is why I came here to ask advice.

PrincessCupcake's picture

What's best for him also includes his mental health.

As for going back and reading, you should as well. I didn't say that we JUST found out about the living situation, I said we just found out about the full extent of the situation. SO is the one who called CPS. The BM loves to avoid confrontation by ignoring people and burying her head in the sand and hiding things from people.

No, he was not in prison. But other than that, I owe no explanation to you as to why he did not see his son in four years, other than to say that he did everything he possibly could to be there for his son, even though he couldn't be there physically.

But by all means, please, judge the both of us. Just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life.

Snowflake's picture

I usually keep my mouth shut when it comes to your harsh replies, but wow. (Echo)

This woman is coming here to vent as a woman who is just starting to get to know her stepkid. She didn't say that she wouldn't take in the stepkid, but that she is stressed with all of the new things on her plate, such as having a teenager come to live with you with absolutely no advanced notice.

But you call the dad a loser and rail her for having human feelings of being stressed. Wow, such a pleasant person you are.

Snowflake's picture

Sounds like a hard situation to be in. This is basically the first time that you are spending time with this kid, and now you are going to be a full time step mother. Going from zero to 100.

It sounds like this boy actually needs to be out of the situation that he is in, and it takes a lot for his mom to recognize that she needs to get her crap together. Just take it one step at a time. The kid can sleep on the couch until you are able to get a bigger place. Get the kid enough clothes to start school with.

Also, you may want to check on the start date of school. Where I live school starts in only 2 weeks.

PrincessCupcake's picture

Oh yes on that zero to 100 thing. It's not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just in a state of shock because it's all happening at the spur of the moment and decisions must be made right now and I'm the sort of person who likes to plan.

School starts on the 31st of August. My one key messes up, and didn't make it in to my original post. I've already looked in to everything I would need to do to have him registered for school.

He actually has a bed here. A friend of ours gave us a king size bed, and we kept our old one for whatever reason. Guess that was a good thing.

NoWireCoatHangarsEVER's picture

It sounds like your getting him whether you like it or not. Best start planning on it now. And it sounds like this was her plan all along. That's why she sent his social security card up with him.

PrincessCupcake's picture

If this person wants to run around the site looking like a jerk while harshly criticizing people, that's their prerogative.

I feel that dissenting opinions can be very relevant in a conversation, and often use them myself. They can make people think. However, I also feel they should be brought up in a constructive manner, not in a confrontational one. As people, we're not always going to agree with someone else, but we don't have to disagree in a manner that fuels the fires of discord.

twoviewpoints's picture

If this young teens mother had suddenly somehow passed away, it is the father the child would be sent to. For different reasons, but valid reasons nonetheless, this mother is unable to continue having the child with her. Yes, sudden and unexpected but it's always been a possibility.

You say because you've never had children nor had to deal with one it causes you stress. It may be helpful to keep in mind that you've never been a mother before either, but you're actively in process of you and your SO trying to have a baby together. Yeah, there is big difference between a young teen and an infant. But in the same manner both are life changing events. While you personally have a choice whether you'll take this teen on, your SO does not. He can't send his son back to a shed or worse, homeless.

Changes and adjustments moving from NC and Mom to PA and Dad will be just as stressful and, well, scary, for the child as it will be for you and SO. But at 13 he is a child and not old enough to make life altering decisions for himself. No, it's time Dad stand up and take on the true role of parenting his son. At least a commitment of the school year.

PrincessCupcake's picture

Thank you for your candid comments. We had spoken to each other about his son coming to live with us before (when we first started planing his trip up here), but talking to him about a teenager I've never met and being thrust into the situation are two different things. Weird things stress me out, it's odd. Like I said before, I'm a planning type person, I like to be able to have the time to get things in order.

Having a baby with my SO isn't as stressful to me because it has to be carefully planned. I can't just say "hey, let's get pregnant", and then quit my birth control. It took me two years of medication changes to get my epilepsy under control again, and I have to have several preconception consultations with a high-risk pregnancy specialist and my epilepsy specialist, which I haven't even started yet. I'm now considering putting those off for several more months.

I'm a child of divorce myself. My parents divorced when I was 14, though it was easy for me to decide who to live with. I had so much anger and resentment that I bottled up inside, and I'm so afraid of that happening to SO's son, toward SO and BM. I know in the long run, that can be dealt with through therapy, both individual and as a family unit. I'm still just so scared, and frustrated, and stressed.

notsobad's picture

Sounds like BM realizes that she's not doing what's best for this kid and is trying to give him a better chance at life with you and his Dad.

Yes, it's stressful walking into the unknown but you need to do this.
Do get the courts behind you so that if she changes her mind in 6 months his life won't be uprooted again.

PrincessCupcake's picture

Thank you, everyone, for your comments and advice. After a loooooong day of speaking with the boy's grandmother, BM, my mother, having an emergency appointment with my therapist, showing this thread (and other very informative ones on these forums) to my SO, talking with him for two hours, talking together with him and the BM, SO and BM have decided that their son will be living here. They agreed that he is not old enough to make this decision on his own.

Due to his father working third shift, we won't be sitting down with him to tell him until Friday. SO wants to be able to be home all night in order to be there for his son, which I completely understand. BM will be on skype and the initial one to tell him what is going on, but we will all be there for him.

I know it will be devastating to him to not be able to return home to see his mother, brother, and friends to say goodbye, so we will be explaining to him that I will be flying down to NC with him as soon as possible so that he is able to do so.

Here's to the oh so lovely beginning of the adjustment period. And the disdain for me. And all that other wonderful stuff that's going to come along with this. Thank goodness I live in wine country where local wine is inexpensive and so tasty. I'm going to need it.

Again, thank you everyone for your advice, and the push in the right direction. I think we knew what had to be done all along, but were allowing the stress of the situation to override our ability to think clearly.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Good luck in your new situation. Contrary to many other opinions, I feel a 13 year old can be a delightful person. They are just transitioning out of the babyish part of childhood and beginning to think much more complex thoughts. Their capacity for intellectual growth and curiosity takes off in leaps and bounds. They suddenly have new interests. When well parented, I find them to be a joy.

This will be a great time for the boy. He will be scared to start a new school but he will soon find a fresh start is a gift. He will no longer be known as the boy who lives in the shed and who is afraid to have friends over. He has no idea yet how much better life is going to be. It will be wonderful for him when that lightbulb goes on.

Sounds like you and dh have a good working partnership. You're going to be fine.