It's NONE of her business what the two of you do. You owe her NO explanation.

This is very timely for me too. FDH and I are planning to marry in November. In my opinion, your BM does not have to be told. Nor should you have to be concerned over her mental status. I don't know the situation, but in my experience this mental instability thing can be a manipulation to get things their own way. She did not inform you when she got engaged I am sure. Nor will she, if she is getting married. In our case, our skids told us about BM's marriage and that's how we are leaving it when we marry. No doubt our skids have told BM. Frankly it is no-one's business but your own. Don't spend time worrying about her mental health, that is not your monkey nor your circus. Even if the woman is truly unstable and suffering from depression, telling her or not telling her will make no difference.

You are not obligated to tell her anything about your relationship. We did not inform the Sperm Idiot when we married and interestingly he did not inform us that he had married when he married his 16yo GF a week before my bride and I married. He was 25 when he married his child bride. He married her to avoid statutory rape charges when we went to court in response to the Sperm Clan attempt to gain custody of my Skid. Sperm Idiot was 22 and my bride was 16 when SS was born so he had a history of statutory rapist behaviors. He had his marriage to his 16yo bride anulled 3mos after we kicked his ass in court ... the first time.

Get married, enjoy your celebration, tell BM nothing. If she goes postal on herself when she finds out ... so be it ... and good riddance.

I can't think of one good reason to tell her, it's none of her business. She knows you live together and that you are around the child on a regular basis.

Unless she's footing the bill, she doesn't need to know.

*****

You're not obligated to tell her, but she will probably find out somehow if your social circles overlap or she spies on social media or your fiance lets it slip accidentally. When she does expect her to try to cause some sort of drama. She will either try to break you up, draw attention to herself or just ruin your wedding day. Oh, and she will get a whole lot more possessive of her child.

My SD's BM knew about our wedding and did all of the above. Basically she acted like a scorned 14 year old. Ranting and raving, grasping for power and control where she could get it. She did affect things, and life was a nightmare for a good 6 months to a year, but in the end I think it all worked out in our favor. SD didn't come to our wedding = less stress and things to worry about for us. BM telling me lies about her and my husband = us reinforcing our trust in each other. BM inserting my name into the court order that I couldn't look after SD for the first few months of our marriage = me getting eased into being a step parent. BM accusing my husband and any other male around of assaulting SD when she got a urine infection = my husband seeing that BM is totally insane. BM turning up at our house ranting and raving in front of SD = me calling the cops on her, and my husband inserting firm boundaries so that BM no longer came to our home and I no longer had to deal with her.

Just ignore whatever she says. Stay strong, stick to the court order and when needed don't be afraid to call the cops or hold her in contempt of court. Get through the first year, put in some clear boundaries, do not get involved with BM yourself, leave that to your fiance and hope that she calms down after a while.

Heck, when DH and I got married, we didn't tell ANYONE..not our bios and not the skids, not even our parents. We wanted it 100% private. So, really you don't need to tell anyone you're getting married. Let alone BM. But congrats on your marriage

DH and I didn't tell Medusa, or the skids, before we got married. We just went on down to the courthouse and got married. My kids knew, and I even chose the date based on the fact that they would be at their dad's that week

Like Disney said, if she's not footing the bill, there is zero reason for her to be informed.

I wouldn't send her an engraved invitation to the wedding, or give out any details, but I'd give her a casual heads up at least after you get married. What is she going to do about it? Get mad? Tell him not to marry you? How long have you lived together? If you have been together for a bit, I'd assume she'd see it coming.

Nope. DH didn't tell BM about us getting married. He did tell SD who was then 16, so she clearly knew, but he made no attempt to tell her himself.

Oddly, MIL and FIL did ask DH to tell his ex-gf that we were getting married. (The woman he lived with after BM and before we met). She kept visiting my in-laws. I think she still had feelings for DH. She also emailed DH saying his parents wouldn't leave her alone, but according to them it was the other way around. Ugh.

I would expect OP's BM will suddenly marry her boyfriend after she finds out they marry.

I think she'll suddenly marry her bf, too. If you tell her beforehand, she'll race to marry him before your wedding.

My dh told his ex-wife in person. We wanted her to know so when the skids heard she'd be prepared. Ours were 13 and 10 at the time. He told his children about a week after telling bm.

She was fine. She even wanted to help! She got us sd's measurements so we could order the dress for her and she insisted on buying ss's outfit which curled my toes but he wasn't my kid, what was I going to do about it? She also showed me her own wedding photos. Of my fiancee and her. :sick:

She is not at all like your bm, though. She's medium conflict but not that much on the drama side. We did have a nice wedding and the children were well old enough to talk about it and have feelings about it.

That's how it went down for us. Good luck.

ETA: I'm sure she had feelings about it but she didn't unload them on us. I think she said some things to my dh when they talked but I didn't care. That was between them. Only understandable she'd have some feelings that would come spilling out.

DH told his XW that we were getting married....I think. Not too sure about that now that I think about it. She knew about it anyway. Could have found out on facebook for all I care. She came and picked the kids up at the reception so we could have the night to ourselves after the wedding. She did also send him a message saying she hoped him happiness. Of course when she got married, she never told us. STILL hasn't told us. Kids weren't at the wedding and I found out by a friend who saw it on social media. BM hasn't even changed her last name yet so she still has DH's last name... That burns my ass a bit but what can I do about it. The SS's have never said a word about the marriage either so they must have been told not to say anything. Sad

We agreed we werent going to be telling BM when we were getting married, although she did decide to call two days after we got engaged to congratulate us. Kind of strange but whatever.
Our wedding plans are all booked and sorted, we dont anticipate telling BM any of our plans. But we will be informing her as and when we are having an ours baby, purely because SD is still young

The only way that a judge would see your soon-to-be as not communicating with her has 100% to do with communications concerning the children. Although someone who is mentally unstable will try to spin it that it IS about the children, in reality, it is just between you and your stb. None of her business!!

In fact, we purposely excluded all children from our wedding (mine and 2 skids) just so BM wouldn't find out about it ahead of time. Nine years later, she make the skids swear to secrecy that SHE was finally getting married. I don't know what SHE was worried about. When we found out, we literally jumped for joy and did a little dance!

You don't have to tell her anything. We also had a small wedding and She had no clue until she saw someone post a congrats to us on their FB.

To the court.. For the judge I had over my BS anyways, it looked better that I got married instead of the long engagement I wanted. He said just living together romantically didn't show the kids stability.. I don't get that but I went ahead and made it official with my now XH.

it may depend on what you agreement says relative to things like insurance.

when we get married, we have to tell BM - she loses her health insurance once we marry.

you only have to tell her if she is getting invited....

"I know you are sitting there thinking "well shes obviously over it and is moving on and getting married...""

If there was ever a crowd to understand that exes move on with their lives but don't actually move on, it's here. So, no, plenty of crazy exes are in LTRs or marriages, and still holding on to a feeling of possessiveness over their ex.

"She is medicated and has been suicidal in the past 6 months so I don't want to push her further."

Her mental health isn't your responsibility. It is hers. Live your life, and don't make choices based on her and how she'll feel.

As for your main issue, if you are already living together and there is nothing in the CO about notification, I see no reason to tell her. The only relationship that BM and your fiance have is the child. Moving in together, especially into a different home, means a change in circumstances for the child. I can see notifying an ex about the change for that reason. If you are already living together and simply formalizing a greater commitment, with no change to the living conditions for the child, there are zero reasons to tell her. Your relationship status is not her business.

This one sounds manipulative, and trust me that she will try to attract attention to herself or sabotage you guys on your special day in some way. Don't tell her. If you have to, don't even tell the kids the wedding date. If they don't know, they can't pass it along to their mom, which means she can't try to sabotage it for you.