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I Know I Shouldn't Let this Twit latest get under my skin --- But...... What would you do?

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Twit has been laying low for some time, but I know that while she is not raising cain at me she is not being nice in any way.

This morning I went with friends for coffee. One of them took me aside and told me that Twit was telling any one who would listen that I was keeping her from seeing her Father and wasn't that terrible, etc., etc. There was more as well. My friend told me that she informed the person who passed on this choice bit of gossip to her that it was not true. She said that she did not say anything else because it was none of that persons business. This friend is a nice person...she is no means a gossip or a person that stirs the pot. She had heard a few things and thought I should be made aware of what was being said about me.

Being normal I am pizzed at this. Twit did something very similar to my DD many years back. Told people DD was a tramp and sleeping around on her husband! AND, the people Twit was spreading this to didn't even know my daughter, but they knew me. Needless to say, I set Twit straight on that but it did cause problems with DH because Twit cried to DH about how terrible I was not even telling him what she had done!

In two weeks DD and I are going house hunting, as planned, but I am livid. I do so want to tell DH what his lovely is up to, but at the same time don't want any more trouble started.

Guess this lie telling by Twit goes right in her narcissistic+ personality. I am smoking to grab the phone and tell that cretin off royally because she deserves it. At the same time I tell myself to disengage, rise above it. But how does one disengage from a smear campaign that Twit is passing around? I also want to let DH know what a cretin his daughter is and what she is doing, yet at the same time I don't know if I should.

Friends, generally I can figure these things out, but I have been stressed for so long I feel I have a hair trigger that will go off on this and all I want is peace until we get the h*ll out of here.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Yeah - don't have any. Maybe its time for some nice Merlot at lunch. Not a drinker, but a glass could be relaxing.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I agree. But it is so easy to disengage when Twit is just coming at me with her nonsense (at least most of the time }:) ). But when she is on a slanderous campaign to others - that is a different story.

Of course, my good friends will know that I don't do things like she claims. And why should I care about what the others think.

But it is so hard because I have been under so much stress with this cretin.

still learning's picture

Totally agree with moving on. Yes your friends know who you are and I can bet that twit's friends (if she has any) know exactly how she is too. I mean a grown woman going around and crying about daddeee. Please, that is so pathetic. They may empathize with her but when someone is purposefully slandering and trying to tear down another person they won't trust her and certainly won't confide in her. One thing you can say is, "That's interesting, I wonder why she would say that."

Keep your head up. Stay above the drama.

dadswife's picture

I agree, Acknowledging the behavior makes them all warm and fuzzy inside because they know their plan is working. Best to ignore. I know it's hard to do.

zerostepdrama's picture

This used to (still does sometimes) bothers me. The skids would make me look bad to the in laws. And of course I wanted the in laws to like me so I felt really hurt and torn. I didnt want to go running to them to defend myself but I also didnt want to not say anything and have them think it's true.

For me what helps is that *I* know the truth. That is all that really matters. I know what I am doing/not doing. It doesnt matter what anyone else says or thinks because I can't control that.

Also I try to remember "You never look good trying to make someone else look bad."

dadswife's picture

I keep telling myself that when my steps talk about me to their aunts...my husbands sisters. I KNOW THE TRUTH. I recently told one of DH's sisters who said something to me about step kids, that his kids know what I have and have not done, and I don't have to explain myself to HER.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

"I didnt want to go running to them to defend myself but I also didnt want to not say anything and have them think it's true."

Ain't that the truth. But I am thinking of something I read, learned way back....that any time you start to defend yourself against something, someone, you are already in difficulty behind the 8 ball.

hatesteplife's picture

My DH tried to take the high road when his ex went on a smear campaign against him. It cost him a lot of relationships. People are finally starting to see who the crazy liar was, but it took a while. Truth is, the people who outright believed her lies without even asking his side of the story probably weren't worth having around anyway.

Twit never gives up, does she? I'd set the record straight with your friends, but not even bother calling or dealing with Twit herself.

hereiam's picture

Don't give her the attention that she craves. Telling her off will just give her more crap to say about you, whether true or not.

I would only tell your DH in passing if you knew he would not say anything to her (again, giving her attention).

Defending yourself will not do any good, she will just keep on. Anybody that believes (and repeats) her, either doesn't know you or her very well or just loves to gossip. Nothing you can really do about that.

Unfortunately, sometimes when we defend ourselves with the truth, we are the ones who end up looking crazy. Hopefully, the people who do know the truth will defend for you, as your friend did.

Very maddening, though, I know!

AVR1962's picture

Gossip! Don't ya just love it?? My whole life has been he said/she said....well, let me be mad at you thing. Very sad and unfortunate.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

The sad thing in life is that so many folks do love to gossip, many thrive on it. Those would be the kind that Twit wants to find and speal to.

Rags's picture

Make the call. Tell DH word for word what Twit has been spouting. Shred her idiot ass.

And have fun doing it.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Boy Rags, I really want to. I know something of the pattern with Twit and this is one way she will start and then continue to escalate because she can.

I am really considering just telling DH about it, so that he knows what is going on when the next Twit attack comes. Of course, if DH would confront her about it, or even me, she would start crying and claiming she doesn't know what we are talking about.

This kind of thing is what make living here so difficult. She is like a bomb waiting to go off and one never knows when or where or over what.

Until we get the heck out of here we are in a lose/lose situation that is stressful.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Agree, Cat, my friend. Those that have had any extensive dealings with Twit know what she is. Sadly, many haven't and we both know that there are some people that just LOVE gossip, true or not.

HappyHome's picture

My SD actually did keep my husband from me when he was visiting her out of state and had a hissy fit when I needed him to come home earlier than planned. Maybe I should go around telling everyone, SD kept my DH from me, now isn't that horrible!! But no, I am a grown woman unlike your SD. I wouldn't even go around saying that and it is true in my case. I agree your SD has NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) given that she can lie so easily, and tries to get other people on her side against you.

Maybe you should say something to your husband, completely neutral without a hint of malice -- "SD says I am keeping you from her, is that true?" Look sad and dejected.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hi there HappyHome - You don't know half of it with Twit. She is, IMHO NUTZ and has more than just NPD. She is flat out scarey in some of the things she says and does.

I am teed off at this latest from her and really trying to keep my cool about it. One part of me says ignore her, she's trash, etc. The other part wants to tear her to pieces. It is difficult because, as crazy as she is, if she sees no resistance she takes it further and further.

She is starting up again.

sandye21's picture

Sorry, but I have a different suggestion. The next time you hear any rumors Twit is spreading about you put on the most innocent face you possibly can and tell them that this is just part if Twit's mental illness, that she gets these crazy ideas and stalks people, that you had to call the police and that they supported you (they can check if they want to), that you are having to move to feel safe, that your family is concerned for your safety. Then add that you are very concerned about Twit because she has threatened to take her life if she doesn't get her way. The very, very odd thing is - you will be telling the total truth. Please do not sit back and allow this to go on.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye, that is a GREAT idea. Hopefully someone will say something to me but gossips, being what they are, tend to talk behind one's back. BUT, perhaps at our next get together for coffee I can say something to the effect about how Twit is scary in a lot of things she says and does and about the time I called the police on her...that it is on file and also in the newspaper police reports (should they care to check it out). Those that do love a good gossip will be sure to eat it up. I won't be lying or fabricating, just telling the truth...Twit does scare me.

You know, not all the gory details, but just a remark about how Twit scares the begesus out of me.

You can bet the rumor machine will get it back to her.

I think, when I calm down a tad, I am going to mention it to DH. I think, since I see this as a sign of Twit escalation, he needs to know. I do so hope she comes running up here when I am gone and runs in to my Stepson. He is a no nonsense guy and Twit means nothing to him but he knows she is crazy as he has seen her in action at previous Christmases etc.

Powerfamily's picture

I agree with Sandy21, and give your friends permission to let others know what Twit has said before. Even if it as simple as 'Oh does she need her dog/drunkie sitting again'. So people know it's her that has the issue.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sally, I love the way you handled your BM gossip. Great.

Many years back, when I was still working, I went to lunch with a male co-worker. Seems the office gossips saw us leave together - hey, it was for lunch nothing else. Anyway, it got back to me. Knowing that most office gossip got passed in the mail room, I went down there to pick up my mail (though generally my assistant would do that), and while doing so I commented nonchalantly and loudly so those hanging around there - many of the gossips - could hear me: "I hear I am having an affair with XXXXXX, if I'm having a good time, let me know." You could have heard a pin drop and an audible gasp from the main rumor spreader and they scattered out, heads down, too embarrassed to look at me. That put the end to that nonsense.

I told my boss about what was said and what I did and he got a laugh out of it, talking about vicious tongues wagging. As he said, I wouldn't be having problems with them again because I am not afraid to confront them and the receivers of their tales also knew it wasn't true. One thing that was interesting....the lead gossip, who was the supervisor of accounts payable and one of the head gossips, never could look me in the eyes after that.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Well, I did tell DH about it. I did it very calmly and told him I just wanted him to know what was being said about his wife by his daughter. I told him that her stories distressed me. He was very sweet. Told me he didn't like that at all and that he would take care of it, not to worry about it or Twit. DH says he understands how I would feel about it because it isn't so.

I told him that I felt if he went to her about how I heard her slander that would give her what she wants and egg her on. I just want peace.

DH said he is going to call and tell her that HE was told by a friend that she is complaining that I am keeping him away from her, among the other things. He is going to set her straight that he doesn't like it and it is things like this that have him having nothing to do with her. I told him to think about what he does because I don't want it to have any consequences on me.

Exjuliemccoy's picture

How nice that he listened to your concern and wants to set his daughter straight. Your DH has come so far, hasn't he?

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Morning Exjuliemccoy - Yes he has come far since I threw him out. He does have relapses at times, which are frustrating.

I didn't get all huffy about what I told him, just matter of factly what was brought to my attention.

He is the one that got concerned about it. Seems he knows this is how she operates and apparently she has been successful in ruining reputations before. DH said he is not going to stand for that nonsense out of her.

dadswife's picture

Good for your DH. I wish mine, just ONE TIME, would pull his head out of his butt, SEE what SD30 has been doing and tell her to KNOCK IT OFF. But he as a parent, doesn't want to know his child is capable of such poor behavior. And he doesn't want her to cry, or hurt her feelngs. She is "fragile" and has anxiety. Well guess what? I have anxiety also. I also have a stepmother. My dad died 2 years ago, but not once did I ever hate my Stepmother or disrespect her. We were't close, but she and my dad got married after my mom died and they were in their 70's. She has a house full of grown kids and grandkids as did my dad. I was GLAD my dad found someone and didn't have to spend his last years alone and she took care of him and I didn't have to worry about him.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Morning Dadswife - Oh I do so know what you mean by the excuses that are made for bad behavior. Have heard them all from both DH in the past, and Twit when she tries to cover up her bad behavior....her hormones, she is stressed, problems with her drunkie son, medical issues (for which she never seems to see the doctor for), had to take off before Thanksgiving dinner was finished because she wanted to get a cheaper price on some flash drives, and the list goes on. Many of her excuses are down right irrational and make no sense....except to her.

And her accusations that people, like DH and I, do things for selfish reasons are absurd. But then since that is the way she lives life, only doing things which get her something, what can one expect.

My feeling is that when people like the Twit are irrational about things, I just leave them alone.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Hurrah!!! DH called the Twit and, being upfront, he asked me to sit and hear what he said to her, even though I could not hear what she responded to him, which was probably just as well.

He told her that he had it from someone he knows that she is running around proclaiming to all who will listen that SDM is keeping her from her Father among other things. Right off the bat he told her he wants her to stop it right away. I guess she must have said it was me, but he said it wasn't me I heard her crying that it wasn't true, she had done and said no such thing, but DH then told her that this was not the first time she had spread rumors about others and he wants it stopped, that he has put up enough with her (his word folks, not mine) shit and was all done.

Told her that I had had nothing but good feelings and intentions towards her until we moved down here and she started her (once again his word not mine) shit and enough was enough. He told her that I had treated her like a daughter and did not deserve all she was doing to me. That he was sorry we ever moved here.

Could hear her wailing trying to explain - oh its her hormones, but he cut her short and told her that her mean actions towards me are not because of her hormones, lack of meds, etc., she does them to me because that is just how she is and he has had enough.

With that he just hung up. WOW!!! Never in 100 years did I expect that from DH.

With that being done, DH said he wanted to take me out to lunch and to see that movie "Mr. Holmes".

DH says he is on board with my wanting to move from the area. But I noticed one thing....DH did not tell the Twit he wanted no more to do with her.

sandye21's picture

SDM, He told her he has had enough. I know that's not exactly having no more to do with her but it does sounds like he is serious about not accepting any of her bad behavior toward you anymore - and it DOES sound like he has delivered the message that he has your back. Have you looked at any houses yet? Moving away from her will make the biggest difference!

Since I disengaged / banned SD 4 1/2 years ago from our home, things have changed between DH and I drastically. I don't bring her up and he doesn't talk about her. He knows I don't want to hear it. Next time Twit calls or DH calls Twit tell him to make or take the call in another room where you don't have to hear it at all - or hear about it afterward - because you don't want to have anything more to do with her.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Ran into Twit this weekend at an auction. Oh, she walked up to DH and I, almost stuck her fat head in my face and said sweetly: Hell SDM, how are you. Then walked off quickly because I am certain that she lacks the courage to stick around longer. You see, knowing what I do about her, that was done solely for DH's benefit. And by the look on DH's face after she did this, I think he might be thinking Twit is not as bad as she has been....that too is how she operates and that too is how easily DH falls back into her carp. It was as though he was a pleased as punch. Sigh, DH is such a sucker for Twit carp because he doesn't see the forest for the trees at times. And also because hope, I guess, springs eternal.

Me, I said nothing at all, but I was surprised and caught off guard....didn't see her coming but then I was looking at something. Never mentioned a word about Twit pro or con, just as though she doesn't exist.

You see, nothing changes when nothing changes. Twit will always be the narcissist+ that she is. Leopards don't change their spots and one is taking one's life at risk if one ever thinks so.

DD and I are leaving to go house hunting next week. Have some nice places lined up, and an agent sending more for me to peruse.

DH wanted so much, when we moved down here, to be closer to Twit because she would help him out as he gets older. Since we have been down here she has done absolutely nadda for him. But, she did put the arm on us about watching her dogs, chasing her drunkie, etc. until I put a stop to it. She is a user. Her excuse? She is tooo busy. But that is one of her standard excuses. Funny, she is so quick to defend herself and her actions with that excuse and a few others she loves to use she doesn't realize how often she uses them. The fact is that being too busy all the time translates to: You don't matter, and I don't care about you.

Or the one time DH told her that certain things were important to me and Twit told him she didn't care. That in my opinion was pretty direct, but DH didn't see it that way back then. He does now.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

I know this may sound strange, but when the Twit came by me at the auction, I realized when I looked at her how she was trying to project an image of confidence, yet by the way she quickly scooted off, what I saw was someone who had very little confidence or self esteem.

As I learn more and more what she is it is like the whole picture builds as it goes along.

I can look back and see how insecure, and abnormal, she acts at times and how she, oh what am I trying to say, watches what I and other people doe and mimics...err, that is not the right word, what I am trying to say is that she looks at how others act in order to figure out how she should act.

I know it is not my place, or even my desire to try to fix anything, let alone Twit. But it is interesting to know how she operates and have an idea of why. Knowledge is power, knowing more about her and the way she acts and why has really helped me. Though having/using that power is draining on me.

Just as I am certain she feels pleased with herself because she shows Daddy how nice she is to SDM, she has no real backbone.

Do note, friends, at that auction DH didn't go near her except when she came up to him. They ran two auction rings and generally DH does one and I do the other. Rather than be where she was, DH stayed by me which is a BIG signal to the cretin about where she stands.

sandye21's picture

SDM, Glad you did not respond when Twit Came up to you. She DID succeed on catching you and DH off guard, appearing to reach out to fake DH into thinking she's trying to be nice to you. It was a lose-lose situation for you. If you said, "Hi Twit" it would have opened doors which are better left closed. By not responding at all it might at first appear you are not trying to mend fences after Twit reached out to you. But - if this was not Twit, and you had gone through all of the garbage with someone else who lied about you, stalked you, yelled at you, said totally inappropriate and scary things to you, how would you respond to them? You did the right thing.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye says: "if this was not Twit, and you had gone through all of the garbage with someone else who lied about you, stalked you, yelled at you, said totally inappropriate and scary things to you, how would you respond to them?"

One would stay as far away from them as possible. People that care about one show it, they remember special occasions, if something is important to you they, whether they agree with you or not, respect that, they spend quality time with one and do things with you.

They do not only call when they want something, or breeze by on Father's Day to pick up a bottle of wine they are having you store for them because of their drunkie and BTW, Happy Father's Day, sorry, we're too busy. Yet the next day call up and want us to dog sit for the next weekend because they just have to get away. Priorities speak volumes. And when they are refused get all huffy and puffy as though YOU wronged them. People that care, care about you not their need for a few minutes of "family time" so they can tell their "friends" how they go out of their way for her Father and is so put upon.

BTW, Sandy, with the booze we stored for a many months in our garage so drunkie would not get at it. Twit was pizzed because garages are hot in the summer. Actually told DH that the heat had destroyed the taste of her wine and --- get ready --- wanted us to put the wine in our refrig for her! We only have one refrig and naturally keep our food in it. She wanted us to cut back on what we had in our frig so her wine could go in it!!! I said NO and, of course she cried and pouted to DH about it, how it would be ruined and I was being terrible. With that I told her to come and get it all that WE needed the room in our garage and I was tired of walking around it....(I do have walking problems and use a cane). She got huffier BUT she did come and get it, never said thank you for all the time we were inconvenienced, nadda. A small issue, but that shows how totally ME, ME, ME orientated she is and doesn't give a ratz arse about other people.

BTW, drunkie hasn't gone to court yet--happens in Sept. Guess she keeps dragging it out. But a check into our state's drunk driving laws says that even if one is not driving the car, just sitting behind the wheel drunk, it's a DUI. Drunkie ran off the road, was blitzed, sitting in the car drinking with the car running...Game over....$10,000 fine plus. So the stupid Twit is trying to avoid the inevitable fine and spending thousands in lawyer fees. A smart person would have cut their loses, taken the plea (which still included the $10,000 mandatory fine) and gotten on with life while saving a bundle on legal fees, but then Twit believes she can control everything. She is in for a rude awakening.

sandye21's picture

What you describe demonstrates just how unstable Twit is. You and I both would never allow a person who acts like that into our lives for very long. I had a friend who uses people, knows it all, bulldozes over everyone, has to have control over everything at all times, has no compassion or remorse for what she does. After a few years of trying to see the best in this person I gave up and let her move on to another victim. One of the best things I've done. When you look at Twit's history with you, her 'greeting' at the auction WASN'T meant to mend fences at all. It was meant to soften up DH so you would be back to where you were. ALL of her actions have had an ulterior motive. It's STILL all about Twit. Stand firm, SDM.

shes driving me crazy in my retirement's picture

Sandye says: " her 'greeting' at the auction WASN'T meant to mend fences at all."

Right on there and also that she was showing DH she was being BIG about it. You know, the look at me, see how GREAT I am thing. Like I could care. The thing that spoke volumes, although Twit doesn't realize it, is that her bogus hello only showed how little confidence and class she really does have, that is why she scampered off very quickly before one could absorb what had just happened. Had she meant something, to be nice, which we know she is incapable of, she would have stopped for a moment or two and spent some time. That is what the people we know at the auction do, they come by, say hi, pass a few pleasantries. That what being civilized is.

The sad thing is that I, even holding my own, feel that I have to keep looking over my shoulder waiting for the next Twit attack never knowing if it is going to come directly at me, or she is going to try to play DH. One should not have to live like this.

Oh, Sandye, regarding Twit's work history. The reason she sells pots and pans is that she can't hold a full time job. The one good job she had she believed she could do the bosses job and I bet started to sabotage him, take over. And I told you what happened there....they had her train someone else - she was thinking she was getting promoted -- and then let her go. Didn't last 6 months there. I don't believe she has ever been at any job, except Wal-Mart, for longer than a year and she left there because they kept giving her lousy hours...which is what they do when they want to get rid of you. Even the temp agency she went to stopped sending her out. How do I know this? She actually talks about it blaming the company etc., all the bosses had Friends they wanted in those jobs, etc. But it doesn't take long to see the pattern and that there is a problem....with HER. Selling pots and pans is the best she can do. No long term relationships...just in, push your product, get your bucks and you are gone. Oh, you keep them on the mailing list for future suckers.