Help.
I was hoping I might be able to get some advice from you guys. My step son is 10 and during the school year, he lives in another state with his mom. He spends the summers here with us. He has a lot of issues that I think are not normal for a 10 year old...he doesn't flush the toilet after going to the bathroom, refuses to wash his hands, doesn't know how to shower (his mom watches him and tells him what to do while showering) he refuses to properly brush his teeth...he is terrified to sleep alone b/c he doesn't at home...and he's having panic attacks on a regular basis. Yet his mom claims there is nothing wrong with him and refuses to get him any type of help. She says these things are normal and the only thing that's wrong with him is that his dad left when he was 6. I managed to get him to flush the toilet in roughly 5 weeks of having to tell him every single time...so I know it's possible for his mother to teach him these things, she just chooses not to. And I know that as soon as he goes back home and isn't forced to do it, he will go back to not doing it. I just don't know what to do. He has no friends and the other kids tease him. Not knowing basic hygiene is just going to make the teasing get even worse. I'm terrified he's never going to have friends or even just have a normal life when he's older b/c he's not getting the proper parenting now as a child. I can't talk to his mom at all b/c whenever I try, she flips out and says I'm insane and that I'm some how dangerous to be around her son and that he can't spend the summers with us anymore. I really don't know what to do. I feel like I'm the only person that truly cares about the child. 
His dad doesn't want to upset his ex and risk losing visitation (he refuses to take it to court.) What can I do? I'm not insane, right? Most 10 year olds can do these things without an issue, right?
You're not insane. However,
You're not insane. However, you will make yourself crazy if you don't quickly come to understand that there is nothing you can do. This isn't your child, you have no recourse, no authority, no power. If your husband is unwilling to push it, you yourself and the kid are SOL. His lack of hygiene, friends, ability to socialize and succeed are not on you. All that is on his crazy BM and his passive father. If it is really important to you, you can force the kid to do stuff while he's at your house if dad backs you but there is not a darn single thing you can do about what happens at his mother's.
The only thing you can do is make it clear to your husband that if the kid is a failure to launch when he graduates that he's not moving in with you. His guilt and fear will not be allowed to rear their ugly heads when BM no longer wants the kid around when CS ends if he refuses to take steps to Parent his kid now.
This is not a problem you created and thus is not a problem you can fix. You can not care more than the parents - it will get you no where except a sad, awful place of resentment and anger inside yourself.
Nope, not insane at all.
Nope, not insane at all. Time to force the issues to conclusion through a campaign of zero tolerance. Do not tolerate any of it. He flushes the toilet of he marched back to the toilet by his ear and forced to flush it. He washes his hands after using the toilet or he is marched by the ear back to the bathroom to wash his hands. He sleeps in his own bed in his own room or he is marched back to bed each and every time he gets out of bed during the night. He can scream and cry but he can do it in his own bed.
He is 10 not 2 and BM or anyone else tolerating this crap is not doing this kid or anyone else any favors.
That your DH will not enforce his rights through the courts indicates to me that he really does not give a shit. He needs to man up and be the dad that this young man will need him to be to set the example of what a man of character is.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
You are right, most of that
You are right, most of that is NOT normal behavior for a 10 year old.
If your husband is more concerned about upsetting his ex than he is about the welfare of his son (I doubt he would lose his visitation), I don't know what you can do. No parent should want to raise their child this way.
What kind of a life is he going to have? How can your husband sit back and watch his son not progress normally?
BM is the one who sounds a little insane. Even two year olds can and do flush toilets. It's not even dangerous.
Some people really should not procreate.
Sounds just like my SS. He's
Sounds just like my SS. He's 24, and still doesn't really know how to take a show or shave. He dresses like a hobo, is morbidly obese, and has zero ambition to do anything with his life. He has had one friend for the last 10 years. He exists solely to exist, which I imagine is a pretty horrible life.
As others noted, you can't do anything. As a step-parent, you have ****zero**** authority. The easy answer is to simply disengage and leave the kid to his dysfunctional bio-parents. However, this is not always feasible when they live with your, or spend significant periods of time with you. The reality of them disrupting your physical space can be overwhelming at times. You can talk to your spouse about setting minimum standards and limits, but don't count on them supporting you. I would recommend creating "safe zones" where the skid is not allowed, where you can go for refuge when you need it.
I've been in the step-game for over 15 years, and it never gets any easier. A lot of time there are simply no answers. The best you can hope for is the kid getting out on his own eventually, because his continued presence will ultimately drive you insane. Mercifully, my SS lives with his grandparents, and we are downsizing to a house that is so small that there will not be a place for him to sleep. I hope something similar works out for you.
I really don't want him to
I really don't want him to "fade away" though. I love the kid.
It's stressful and difficult trying to get him to do the things that should be habit at his age but I still care about him and I really just wish I could help him more. His dad refuses to go to court b/c the lawyer he spoke with said that since he hasn't been paying child support through the state, he will have to re-pay the past 4 years, which is over $25,000. He actually pays more than what the state would enforce and his ex lives completely off it. I think that's the entire reason she doesn't want the boy to spend summers here b/c the child support stops while he is here even though she begged him for money the entire summer and he did send her some.
Sounds just like my 10 y.o.
Sounds just like my 10 y.o. sd. She will not flush the toilet , still has accidents, does not brush her teeth or hair and will ask if she should shower. I try to teach her proper hygiene and my husband thinks I am hard on her. Well these things are NOT normal for 10! Buts is not on our failure it's on the bio mom and dad. As step parents we can try but in the end it's up to bio mom to step it up. My husband and I have a 2 year old together and I would not out up with any of these things my SD does at 10. My son knows at 2 how to flush the toilet brush his teeth and that he gets a bath every night.