Co-sleeping woes

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My partner co-sleeps with his son (3 1/2) leaving me in the relationship bed alone and it's driving me crazy. He stays with us for two nights a week. The child is coddled and completely incapable of self-soothing as he has never had to. My partner puts him to bed around 8pm and frequently doesn't come back as he has to lie there until his son falls asleep, meanwhile he often falls asleep too. He has previously told me to come get him if he doesn't come back as he has probably fallen asleep, but if I go into the room to do this I risk waking the child and the whole thing starts all over again! I don't even know if he genuinely wants me to come get him or if it is just to keep the peace with me. I think he would prefer to sleep with his son, and he always ends up in bed with him anyway as the child has only once slept through the whole night. Every other night he wakes in the early hours and starts calling for his daddy. My partner puts him back to bed and doesn't come back to me anyway. We both work shifts and I feel that our evenings and sleeping beside each other are precious. When he chooses to sleep beside his son rather than me I feel so rejected. Is it unreasonable for me to think like this when it's only two nights a week? I have tried appreciating the times I have the bed to myself by sprawling out in he middle but really I want my partner beside me. Co-sleeping did not happen in my family home when I was growing up and I am totally against it. I seems to be a very difficult habit to break once started. The fact that I don't know when this will end is really affecting me. Any input would be helpful, thank you

My baby is 11 months and I

My baby is 11 months and I can't get her out of my bed. She was sleeping in the crib great until 7 months and then the teething started and I allowed it and now i'm stuck. My pediatrician told me if I don't get a handle on it now, I will be facing the same situation as your partner and that co-sleeping is no sleeping. I mean its so bad, that If i hire a sitter.. the sitter can't lay her in the crib at 8 at night. She has to lay in the bed with her in my bed. It's bad.

My pediatrician said I have to take some vacation or a long weekend and suffer through three or four nights of crying and no sleep. Sleep training. I'm waiting for some vacation in August .

I went through the same exact

I went through the same exact thing when SD was younger. Every detail you explain, I dealt with. In my situation a few years went by and eventually she started sleepig on her own because BM had her sleeping on her own at her home (where she has more custody.) it was all annoying to me. But now it's funny because when I get mad at DH I kick his butt out of our relationship room and he has nowhere else to sleep except with his daughter. We have only two bedrooms. He hates sleeping with her now cause she takes up the bed. So now it's his punishment.

Have you told him all of

Have you told him all of those things? He needs to know! And if he can't figure out a way to put you first, then you need to think about if this is the way you want to spend the next who knows how many years. SO needs to know this is a priority to you, not just an irritation.

I also am totally against co-sleeping. I will say at least he isn't bringing the child into the relationship bed. There are a ton of resources on the internet about how to break the co-sleeping habit, but if your SO isn't buying into it, researching isn't going to help. At 3.5 and being in a less familiar place, I do think there should be a plan in place to help him get to sleep, but not one that requires another human to be present all night. Tire his little butt out during the day. No naps. No caffeine within 6 hours of bedtime. Read a story, then let him go to sleep. Have some music or a sound machine on to block out household noises that might wake him. Heck, get a dog to sleep with him. (also...Benadryl? miracle med for those stuffy noses and itchy eyes that sometimes kick up at bedtime. }:) )

We struggled through this problem as well--except with a then 6 year old. Ridiculous. I absolutely hated it. It happens almost never now (SD is now 9). There is still the occasional night when she wants DH to "come lay with me" and like your SO, often he falls asleep in there, and I end up alone and angry. If it was still going on every time SD was here for the night, I'm not sure DH would have obtained DH status...it's that important to me.

Your last sentence made me

Your last sentence made me laugh! SO will rapidly become insignificant other if this isn't nipped in the bud - I could not take this until his son is six, or even older! Yes we have talked about it, and personally I would think he should be pleased his girlfriend wants him in bed with her each night but he is a typical guilty dad who has difficulty setting boundaries so what DS wants DS gets - including daddy sleeping beside him. He is definitely improving with boundary setting and rules, with my support, but I see this being a big problem which will run and run. We will have to have this talk again. I don't want this for one more night let alone years and years.

SO went through this with his

SO went through this with his daughter. She's 5 now, can manage to be in her own bed, but it's still a mission to get her to sleep and stay in bed ALL night.

I found this link and gave it to SO. It has helped quite a bit http://www.ogradywellbeing.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/12/HelpYourChildS...

Thank you, I will have a read

Thank you, I will have a read and hopefully get SO to do the same! The one and only time SS stayed in his own bed I jumped for joy in the morning time ... It was a very premature celebration as it never happened again. I don't think fear is the issue as such but I'm sure I will find some useful information in there, thanks

I would impress upon your

I would impress upon your partner how it makes you feel and ask him at what age he would expect his son to be able to sleep through the night on his own and when he will be able to put himself to sleep. Point out that many children do it from a much younger age than his son and that although the process to get his son to fall asleep on his own may seem stressful to the boy it will not take too long if implemented correctly and ultimately be a lot healthier for him and cause a lot less friction in your own relationship. Also, point out the really obvious and that he will get to have more sex if he is in bed with you more and interacting with you in the evenings.

My husband used to sleep in the same bed as my SD before I moved in, it was a result of only having one bedroom available. He realized that obviously that wasn't going to work when I moved in so he worked on moving SD into the other room (his roommate moved out). First he made up a bed for SD at the end of his bed, then he slowly moved the bed further away from his, until it was out in the hallway with the door open, then he got her to sleep in her own room eventually. I'm not sure if that was the best process, it seemed to take a long time, but as I say it was before I moved in so it didn't really affect me. A slow progression away from your husband lying down with his son could help ease them both into it. Perhaps he could sit in a chair next to the bed, then next to the door, then in the hallway and finally let your SS sleep without him there. When I moved in there would be some nights that he fell asleep in her bed, or nights that she crept into ours and I would go and sleep in her bed because I didn't want to share with her (and frankly there wasn't room). We had words about it and my husband got stricter on not allowing SD into bed with us. Now she never comes into bed with us rarely wakes in the night (though it is 2 years later and she is 2 years older).

This topic always cracks me

This topic always cracks me up. A grown woman thinks that her need to sleep next to a man is more important than a 3 year old's need to sleep next to the same man. Does this make sense to anyone?! And now we have a "relationship bed"? What planet are you people from? Stop shacking up and stop thinking your fornicating is more important than a child's needs twice a week. THIS is why skids have so many issues. For crying out loud, he sees his father twice a week? Get over yourself and freaking starfish in the bed when he's not there. In a normal family situation, co-sleeping is a positive experience for both parents and child. Most countries actually utilize the family bed, WE are weirdos in the minority. Kids of split families don't want to stop co-sleeping because sometimes that's the only time they see that parent.

Somebody already said it. If HE doesn't want to stop, let it go. If you are the only one it bothers, you will never win this fight.

This, I never hear why the

This, I never hear why the children started co-sleeping. Neither of my daughters started as co-sleepers. Both had their own beds/ cots. There were reasons it happened. While I get I lived alone, so I didn't affect anyone but me, PPP managed to sleep in her own bed from the day SO and I moved in together.

It is 2 nights a week. Not every single day. Were this your and SO's child would the same apply?

Hi, yes I would have the same

Hi, yes I would have the same feelings if he was our child together. I do not feel co-sleeping is healthy in the long run and produces a coddled, dependent child incapable of self-soothing. Does this habit not become harder and harder to break the longer it goes on? Obviously in the case of a child being unwell or having a nightmare or in any other way genuinely needing cuddles and reassurance that is a different case altogether! We have spoken a lot about having children once we marry (which would of course require some evil "fornicating" as mentioned above haha) but this is certainly not the parenting style I would adopt - it is at the detriment of the marriage / relationship.

I hear where you are coming

I hear where you are coming from. I co-slept with my eldest until she was almost 5. I had no problems moving her to her own room and bed. She is not clingy and is an incredibly independent child.

My SO often had to lie by his son to get him to sleep in the first year. He too fell asleep in the room. I never minded. I would go in quietly, touch him on his shoulder and he would come out again.

Each parent or person has very strong views on co-sleeping and not co-sleeping. If you knew this about your partner before you moved in, you are going to have an argument on your hands. Try some of the advice given here. Gently talk to your partner, but try not to come across as close minded.

Not every single parent alive has made perfect decisions all of the way. Mine may well be the co-sleeping, the flipside is I have a well mannered, disciplined, non whiny daughter who excels in school. My SO never co-slept but has a whiny sissy, who has no manners and refuses to behave. He hurts other kids. Was my co-sleeping really that bad? My case is extreme though

No I did not know this would

No I did not know this would be happening before we moved in, and has not been a nice surprise!

I really appreciate your advice, thank you!

Then that is an unfair ask.

Then that is an unfair ask. My SO and I were very open about the kids sleeping habits. Often you will see here though, a lot of us didn't know details of what we were walking in to. Wean off the sleep thing, it doesn't last that long, promise. Approach this with care but a clear expected outcome with a time frame. And don't make it about you not being able to sleep with your partner.

Good Luck!

Just know sometimes those

Just know sometimes those expectations and beliefs do change. The action of cosleeping itself is not what creates a coddled and dependent child, as I have come to learn, BUT it is true that it correlates because often (not all) parents in the west who WOULD co-sleep are ALSO the ones who coddle--especially since they are going against social norms (in the west), so it's not that co-sleeping coddles the child but that parents who do co-sleep tend to coddle the child in other areas too.

I didn't mention anything

I didn't mention anything about "fornicating" and that has absolutely nothing to do with it.

^^^ This is what I mean. In

^^^

This is what I mean. In our western society and culture, often those who co-sleep are going against the grain, which means they will be going against the grain in other ways too and most likely coddle their child. In "other" countries, having a separate room for a child was a economic status symbol--few people had it, and it just became built into the culture. Even if they do have the room, often they won't use it for the child--not when it could be used as something else and co-sleeping isn't really that big of an issue.

Also, I feel people get really, really confused when we talk about co-sleeping in say, Asian cultures, because it doesn't mean we share a bed if we can help it (obviously we do if there are no other beds available), but that there is a room designated for sleeping and everyone has their own roll or cot or bed in that room, not that we necessarily share the same bed. The bedroom wasn't really for anything except sleep--not like the way we are now where we spend time in the bedroom like its living space. We never went into the bedroom unless it was to take a nap or go to bed at night--so it's not like it's for "bonding" time, but we have turned the bedroom into a bonding time thing for us in the west.

My opinion is co sleeping is

My opinion is co sleeping is for the benefit of the adult not the child. I never allowed it in my house. Yes there was times i helped get them to sleep by lying next to them but it was never a regular thing. I see it as lazy parenting co sleeping. And actually causes no end of problems for partners/relationships down the line.
The child doesnt need this. Put them to bed and your DH sit on the bed over few nights gradually move towards end of bed then out of room.
Yes its hard - thats parenting!!!!
Took mine 3 weeks but im glad i did it. And if they got up in night they were taken right back to their bed without a word. Yes there are exceptions ie: nightmare or ill.
But it works

I highly doubt that he is

I highly doubt that he is co-sleeping with BM five nights a week as she has very recently re-married (to a man she has SS calling Daddy as if my partner doesn't even exist in his sons life but that is another issue) and they are openly trying for another baby.

I didn't know from day one about the co-sleeping - if I had, and known that even months later no steps would be taken to break the habit, we most likely would not be living together right now. This issue has only become apparent since we moved in together as I only once stayed over at his house on the nights when he had his son although we spent a lot of time together during the day doing activities, but at night time I would have done my own thing and gone to my own house. At the beginning my partner said it was just to get his son settled into the new living arrangements however it has continued. As some of the comments above have stated, if my partner doesn't want this to change I'm fighting a losing battle.

Thanks for your comments

I used to be one of those

I used to be one of those people who were very, very against co-sleeping. So was DH. When we had BD, she had her own room (except for the first month when she was in a bassinet next to our bed so we could hear what's going on) and did great in it. Gated montessori style so by the time she was able to crawl, she would get up and down from her mattress pad by herself, pull out all her own toys, etc. It made her bed NOT a punishment cage, so we slept much longer too. if she woke up before us, she'd just pull out and play with all of her toys, so we had a great sleeping experience. She napped next to me in bed sometimes, but had no problem with her room.

Then, when she was a little over a year old, we wanted to save some money on oil, so kept every room cooler except our bedroom, and had a space heater. We didn't trust a space heater in her room so we pulled her into bed with us for a week. That was the end of it. After that, when we attempted to put her back in her room, she would cry so hard she would throw up and went into hysterical short of breath. So we shrugged, and changed out parenting style. She now sleeps on a mattress pad next to our bed, which was a change from her being fully in our bed--we made the switch maybe when she was a year and a half because we couldn't take it any more. She doesn't have a problem with self-soothing, as I could put her into our bed and leave her there and she'll fall asleep by herself while DH and I are doing other things, but I can understand that sometimes you just want to be close to the people you love, and they don't love anyone as much as their parents.

As a disclaimer, I'm Chinese, DH is caucasian, he grew up always in his own room and in a crib. Culturally my sister and I grew up co-sleeping with our parents until we were about 3 and 4, and onto a bed next to our parents bed, and then at 6 we were given our own room. It might be why I hate co-sleeping (or even sleeping in the same bed as DH because I never had my own space until I was much older.) We both grew up fine and it was never a battle, but co-sleeping in our Asian community also wasn't one of those things people argued about or got really heated.

Hey, if you were rich enough to have another room available for just your child, kudos to you. It was more of a economic status thing than a social issue, at least in Taiwan/China (we lived there for a few years). (Which is why I often feel like this debate over co-sleeping and breastfeeding and stuff are such first world issues and don't understand when people freak out over what they think everyone else should do in terms of that.)

Before I had kids I was

Before I had kids I was vehemently against co-sleeping. Then I had a child. He slept in his crib for the first 9 months, and then we went on vacation (where he slept in a pak'n'play in our room). That was the END of him sleeping on his own. Oh sure, I tried Cry It Out. He screamed until he puked, EVERY TIME. (Meaning I was changing sheets AND giving him a bath at 0'dark thrity.) So. We did cosleeping. It was fine. Somewhere between the age of 4 and 5 he decided on his own that he wanted to sleep in his own bed. *shrug* As for the whole "it creates clingy needy children" nonsense, that's crap. There may possibly be more independent children than my (now) 6 year old, but if there are I haven't met them. (Which has it's own set of issues. There are times he actually DOES need me, but refuses to let me help, which is frustrating.)

Anyway.

I tell you all that just so you know where I'm coming from. Chances are that your SS will grow out of it within the next year or so. And honestly, try not to take such a hard-line "when I'M a parent I will NEVER / ALWAYS..." stance. You don't know. You don't. You haven't even met the little person yet, you have NO IDEA what you will and will not do, and being completely rigid (and judgmental) like that will leave you in a very bad place as a parent.

Now, as to what to do NOW. First I'd ask you is why you believe what YOU want (no co-sleeping) is so much more important than what your SO wants (co-sleeping). Do his wants not matter to you? Is he not allowed to want (or have) anything that you don't want? Assuming though that you're going to force your wants on him, I'd say it's all on you. If YOU are the one with the problem, then it's on YOU to fix it, not him. That means you handle bedtime, you handle all wakeups, you handle every single consequence of ending co-sleeping. (My philosophy with most things, honestly. If you have a problem, YOU FIX IT. Don't try to make anyone fix it for you.) For myself, I don't want that level of "parenting" responsibility in step life. They have two parents and I don't want their job with their kids. However, I also understand that since *I* don't want the job, that means I have to let them parent their way. Sure, maybe I'd do things differently. So what? If I feel strongly enough about it, then it's my job to take action. If I'm not willing to do the job myself though, then I've got no right to demand they do things my way.

I get that some people will argue that if it affects you then you do have the right to demand your way. *shrug* I'd argue that your "rights" end when they infringe on someone else's. So if it affects you, you can say "no", sure. But in this case, saying "no" might look like sleeping elsewhere or ending the relationship, not necessarily demanding that Dad parent your way.

While they were married, BM

While they were married, BM took ss into their bed every night. DH did not approve of this and he knew it was not being done for the child but for BM. DH left her when ss was 6. When dh got his own place, he had ss sleeping on his own in one week. But bm kept ss in her bed where he was still sleeping when I arrived on the scene and he was 10. I pretty much heaved when I found out. She finally moved him out to his own bed when he was 12. He'd been sleeping on his own at dad's for half the week for 6 years by then, half his life.

To OP, I can understand how you feel. I would say what you feel is exactly developmentally appropriate. It is this urge in adults that ensures the survival of the species so it's a very important thing.

Something else you can try in addition to some of the good ideas above, stand there in your prettiest nightie and say softly, "I never had to beg a man to get in bed with me. I don't like it. No, I won't be able to get used to this." Just say it to yourself, thoughtfully, as if you don't care that he's hearing you. Then turn around and pad down the hall to your own bed. Let him wonder what plans you are making. If that doesn't work, follow through on the plans.

This child is only 3 1/2

This child is only 3 1/2 years old! He's in a strange house (2 nights a week isn't enough time for it to feel like home at that tender age), in a bed that doesn't feel like his, in a room that doesn't feel like his, away from his mummy...he needs daddy to help him feel secure.

I can't believe anyone would have an issue with this. You seriously need to get over it and drop this issue, and if your boyfriend caves to your demands shame on him.

Let me apologize immediately

Let me apologize immediately for not reading the replies, just the op.
I had this same problem with my wife and her daughter (7)... It only now has started to solve itself. I felt exactly as you did, rejected/alone/second... I didn't grow up being coddled and still can't understand how people think this is good for a child.
My wife still doesn't agree with me but she eventually seen how much it meant to me and worked on it. Simply repeating, "I'm sleeping with " tater" tonight in my own bed" until the fussing about it stopped. The child still will whine a bit with "I can't sleep unless you cuddle" but thankfully my wife is sticking to her guns (so far).
I hope you get it worked out. It's a relationship killer for sure.

Let me apologize immediately

Sorry for double post

Sorry for double post :?

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