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Should I be happy that SD28 is getting engaged?

tigerlily74's picture

So when DH proposed to me six months into our courtship, SS32 and SD28 went berserk and lectured him on jumping into a new relationship without getting to know me first. SS32 went on about how it takes a few years before you really get to know somebody, asked what's the rush, etc.

Last Friday, without even as much as one month into a proper relationship, SS28's new man asks DH for SD28's hand in marriage. They would like to get married by the end of the year, apparently. (DH and I waited a whole year between the proposal and the actual wedding, btw. Not six months like SD28 is now hoping for.)

I just can't get over the hypocrisy and double standards of DH's children.

Me: Sorry, I just can't be happy for your daughter.
DH: How about being happy for me?
Me: Nope. I don't feel anything. She's chosen to engage you alone and hasn't tried to connect with me at all. So why would I share your happiness when it's about her?

[The only probably reason why I'd be happy is that maybe she'll finally have another man to mooch off and leave DH alone.]

Am I being selfish?

AVR1962's picture

Sad! When family members come into the picture with warnings and we hear about them it makes us feel like the person giving the warnings does not like us. I have been there. My husband's sister and a friend were all concerned about his welfare when we met and asked questions and gave warnings which my husband told me about, it's crushing. These things though build tension and hurt in the relationship and when we feel this pain it is hard for us to feel happy for the person that caused us such pain.

tigerlily74's picture

It's crushing. Exactly! Especially when the families of all my previous boyfriends used to love me. An ex-fiance's mom still messages me "happy birthday" on my birthday every year... and we broke up almost 20 years ago!

DH doesn't understand that the reason I don't feel anything for his two older kids is not just because they actively tried to sabotage our relationship, but because they have chosen to engage him on the proviso that I'm not involved. This active exclusion has given rise to hurt and pain, so why should it be so surprising that I have disengaged and don't feel anything for them?

Indigo's picture

Nah. You're not being selfish. You are more mature than SD/SS. Depends upon your definition of "proper relationship" whether it's too soon, but ...

Aren't you in Singapore or such with a DH who is a bit older? (I remembered since my SO is also significantly older which is much less of an issue at my age. )

Back then, SD/SS were worried about the money and the new hussy who didn't actually love their dad, etc, etc ... I swear the double standard has nothing to do with the quality or depth of a relationship but about their fear of being shut out of their inheritance. (Hope your DH spends most of it.)

Nope. Not over-reacting, not selfish, you're just in a dysfunctional family relationship. Sorry, not much help. I would be frustrated as well.

tigerlily74's picture

Yes, I'm in SG and DH is 19 years older. I took my location out of my profile coz I don't want to be tracked down!

Their behaviour arises from their insecurity - of that, I am absolutely certain. Doesn't matter who the hussy is.

Thanks for empathising!

tigerlily74's picture

Oh, I'm most certain they'll never divorce. She's super religious and marrying the son of a church elder. A union of two people who can't function outside church - at least one of them can't anyway.

Then again...

The irony is that the Ex used to accuse DH of wasting his life in the church and not earning as much as their peers. (You married him when he was a missionary. What did you expect him to be? A CEO?) And towards the end of their marriage, she said she was too young at the time and didn't know what she was getting herself in for. And now, her daughter is doing the exact same thing, at the exact same age.

It's almost hilarious.

still learning's picture

Uber religious marriages have the same rate of divorce and in some instances an even higher rate than the rest of us heathens. Patriarchy, imbalance of power between the genders often leads to spousal abuse. Then there's the expectation of perfection that no one can live up to. I've seen men slapped on the hand for indiscretions while women are excommunicated.

I belonged to a popular religion for over 10 years and watched several young couples hastily marry so they can have sex and then abruptly divorce. My ex and I stuck it out for over 11 years and then divorced with several young kids in tow. I talked to a guy the other day who is part of that religion and is now in the dating pool with 5 young kids. Sometimes "forever" lasts only until someone more shiny and holy comes along. Sad but true.

SugarSpice's picture

sd was dating a very religious young man. this sd was openly and atheist saying just how much she hated religion and how she was just in life to get ahead. then she started dating a very nice young man who quoted the bible. now she attends church with the family like she has been religious all along. i wonder if its all just an act to get the man to marry her and when her mask will come off.

thats when she will come running back to her first real true love - her father.

tigerlily74's picture

I couldn't agree more. The hypocrisy is that SS32 and SD28 thought DH and I were getting married too hastily. SS32 even accused me of seducing DH. And now, SS28 is doing the same if not wayyy more hastily.

I may not share DH's joy that she's engaged. But I hope for her sake that her marriage works out.

still learning's picture

This is how I finally got ss30 off the phone bill. He was talking marriage with his latest gf so I told DH "ss30 needs to be a responsible independent man before he gets married. Let him pay his OWN bills now or we may be paying for both of them later." I saw a flash of fear in DH's eyes and he knew I was right. By the next billing cycle ss30 was off our plan YAY. So yes, marriage of a skid is a good thing as long as your DH makes is clear that they are now responsible and financially on their own.

SugarSpice's picture

sd is still getting money from dh even though she is engaged. the guilt drives dh to constantly open his wallet while looking to pinch pennies to spend on me.

tigerlily74's picture

Eugh. I'm glad she's getting married. Maybe she"ll learn that it"s difficult enough being in a marriage with all that Life throws your way. Having Hellspawn for stepkids is manifold times worse.

Andie91801's picture

I would be happy for DH because some idiot will carry the headache for your DH for few years...until he can't take it anymore and bail Sad

Be there to support DH. Who cares about the SD. She can go to wherever and be whatever she wants to be. Support your DH but watch out for the money. You know what SD always want from their father.

Best of luck

A.

tigerlily74's picture

Oh, I made him keep his word to me and he told SD and her man that if they want DH to be at the wedding, they'd have to invite me, his wife. I'll be there by his side - no way am I going to relinquish that position - and support him that way. I just don't have it in me to pretend to be happy for her when I'm ambivalent!

ChiefGrownup's picture

I would find it hard to be all confetti and roses for this one, too. I have tremendous resentment against both my dh and my sd for how sd has treated me and how dh let her ruin so many of our romantic milestones. Now she has a bf and we're supposed to embrace him and worship him like the god she thinks he is. Makes the bile rise. I've also feared how I would handle any wedding of hers. There's that four letter word again, b.i.l.e.

Good luck with this. Keep us posted. I hope the new bridegroom treats your stepdaughter as wretchedly as she deserves and she is trapped in her righteousness with him forever. Ahhhhh...that felt good.

tigerlily74's picture

Hahaha. I hope he treats her well and she realises what a blessing a good man is - and how stupid her mother was when she divorced DH. Maybe this will teach her about love too and she'll learn to be happy for her father now that DH has finally found happiness with me.

But yes, I know exactly what you mean about bile. Sad

ldvilen's picture

Re: How to handle the wedding, make sure you bring your own separate car, and don’t bring anyone along for the ride (that you’d be responsible for taking back after the wedding). That way, if crapola goes down, you can just hop in your car and go any time you like. Or, I strongly feel SMs do not have to go to these events, if they don’t want to, and the decision should be 100% SM’s decision, regardless of what hubby may think. He is not the one who is going to run the risk of being treated like a piece of gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. I was really looking forward to my SD’s wedding, but after the way I was treated there, I will not be going to my SS’s wedding. Fortunately, his wedding is a destination wedding, so it kind’a gives me an easy out (can’t afford all that $$, someone has to take care of the dog, etc.), although regardless of where it was, I would not be going. After informing hubby of this several times, he still had the audacity to say I had to go because he was afraid of flying and hadn’t flown in years and wouldn’t know what to do! Note: He did not say he wanted me to go because he couldn’t think of being there without me. Needless to say, that did not change my mind. I just told him the decision is 100% up to me, just like whether or not he attends is 100% up to him. I suggested maybe he could go with his daughter. That made him feel a little better. And, I truly don’t care what goes on at SS’s wedding. Hubby, BM and the rest of the gang can fly back with matching kimonos for all I care.

HappyHome's picture

Unfortunately, a developmentally stunted SD getting married does not change the dynamic between Daddy and Daughter. It only makes you more shocked when they are leaning on their Daddy and you're wondering "Where is her husband?"

tigerlily74's picture

There's no way I'm not going to the wedding. DH has already laid down the law and said he won't attend if I'm not invited. And I'm not about to abdicate my position by his side to his Ex. I want to make the point clear to his family that I am his wife now and they'd better get used to it. If I don't attend, they'll think it's okay to continue not inviting me to stuff. and it's NOT OKAY.

IslandGal's picture

Oh, hell yeh! You go to that wedding..and you do it in style!! Glamour it up.. make sure DH's suit matches what you're wearing (same color tie as your outfit for e.g.). Smile and act like you're the President's wife. Be gracious and friendly even if it kills you.

Make sure DH remains by your side and most of all....enjoy yourself!

tigerlily74's picture

That's exactly what I plan to do!

And now I have six months to lose the weight that I've put on since my wedding. Talk about a motivating factor. LOL