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Visitation? Not in my house!

TheLadyTremaine's picture

I'm finally at the place where I'm ready to tell my OH that he needs to have his visitation anywhere but my home and if this means we need to live apart, so be it.

Brief background: I am disengaged completely. Skids are supposed to be here EOW and then some but because of PAS and BM's inability to follow court orders, they show up when she needs a sitter. SD12 is a lying, manipulative, callous brat who's only skill is Pintrest. SS14 is an entitled, homophobic, bigoted idiot who can't sign his own name, pour a glass of juice or pair socks.

Here's how the lovely weekend went...
BM refused to confirm plans. This usually means skids are not coming. Hurray! We started to make plans to go to the beach, go food shopping, etc. Then the dreaded confirmation happens: 3 hours before of course. I ask OH "What time are you leaving to get the skids?" He says 4:15. Knowing he has a history of not telling me the whole story or misinforming me, I say "so you'll be back a little after 6". He says yes. Great, that gives me time to do laundry, shower, make phone calls, do a couple of little things around the house and I can food shop while he's gone. I have a very high needs baby and even showering 3 times/week is a challenge right now so I'm genuinely excited. As I'm stepping out of the shower, OH runs in to hand me the baby and says he needs to leave now. I look at the clock, its 2:45. I ask why he would need to go now since he told me 4:15. He says "Oh, I meant I have to be there at 4:15" Sounds like a reasonable miscommunication but this kind of thing happens almost every single time. It wasn't a big deal before the baby but now its a major upset to my day.

As OH was driving to pick up the skids an hour away, BM calls and says that actually, she'll have to meet him an hour and a half later than the time she herself picked. He calls me to be like "What should I do?" because it hard to know what to do with yourself once you've been castrated by your ex. He says he's thinking about driving up there and waiting for her. I'm like "Fuck no! Either tell her to meet you at the time she chose or just come home." The baby loves his dad but doesn't get to see enough of him and I'm with said baby alone a lot. We don't have any family whatsoever to help and I'm lucky if the boy sleeps an hour straight at night. So this extra hour and a half to make her life easier is ridiculous and enraging. He puts his foot down and she actually showed up at the agree upon time. Mazel tov!

At some point that night I get so hungry I must eat which means going downstairs and exposing myself to skids. As I'm eating, OH is holding the baby who is drooling profusely. The entire time the skids are going "Eewww! You're gross! You're disgusting! Nasty, biochild!" And the worst part is OH is going along with it. My poor baby doesn't need to hear that he's gross. He isn't but you know what is? SS14's inability to use the bathroom with leaving urine everywhere. SD12's nonstop lying for no reason. I nicely mentioned to OH when we were alone that I'm not ok with the baby being called nasty for 20 minutes straight. He barely responded with an exasperated "ok."

The night before they came was our one grown up night all week. OH falls asleep at 9. The night the skids are here he's up until almost midnight riding bikes, watching TV with them and building a bonfire. I'm alone in the nursery, folding laundry. He comes in at one point to say that he hates that I'm all alone. I told him "I'm fine." but what I was thinking was "If you had parented your brats, I would be able to stand sitting next to them."

OH kept asking me if I wanted to join them watching a movie, going to the beach, etc. I just kept saying "I'll pass".

Some other random gems...I walk out of the family room at one point and the hallway is filled with bubbles. SD has highjacked the baby's bubbles and apparently thinks inside is a good place to blow them. OH "cooked" them lunch: boil in bag rice and a packaged mix. SS goes on and on about how delicious it is. Like won't shut up. He does this to rub it in my face because I cooked them every meal they ate here for years. Made exactly what they wanted from scratch. His only responses were to inform me that he doesn't have to say thank you to me and that his mom makes everything better.

Every time the skids come they leave a nasty mess in the bathroom. Now thats the baby's bathroom too so its the one I'm using the most lately. Instead of telling his kids to clean up after themselves, his solution is to move their toothbrushes to the downstairs bathroom. The still use the upstairs bath at night so now I have 2 dirty bathrooms instead of one. After they left, I went in there and found pubes all over the toilet, floor, walls! I ask OH if he had shaved or something (knowing full well he would never leave a mess like that) then told him it must be his kids. Pubes are still there. I have to give my baby a bath in a room full of pubes today. :sick:

After the skids left, OH goes on and on about how tired he is. I wanted to smack him. I'm lucky to get 2-3 hours of sleep/night and then spent the day alone with my baby again while he did who knows what in the morning (skids slept until almost noon), rode bikes in the yard and ate the dinner I cooked. Then had 7 uninterrupted hours of sleep.

I'm debating wether to tell him tonight or wait until therapy on Thursday that however it has to happen, they are no longer welcome in my home. Any advice, ideas, thoughts? I'm terrible with words so any help there would be great.

Willow2010's picture

Does DH not clean up after them? I really don't see why you are so upset. (Unless DH will not clean up after them)

I mean...what are you going to tell him...that you don't want the kids over because they said your DS was slobbering and it was gross? Because they complemented their dads cooking? Because THEY got 7 hours of sleep?

Honestly, I feel like you are looking for things to be mad about. Ignore them and make DH clean up after them. They are only over a couple days a month. I know it is annoying but I am sure your DH is going to tell you to pound sand if you tell him he can not bring his kids to yalls house.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

No he doesn't clean up after them. And how do you suggestion I make him do it? I've tried everything I can think of: bartering, pleading, nagging, putting the mess physically in the skids rooms. It just doesn't happen. So now I'm left with they don't come here.

I don't want the skids here because they call my son names and OH won't stop it. I don't want them here because they leave my home a pigsty and OH won't clean it. I don't want them here because they spy on me and report back to BM and OH won't restrict their internet usage in the house. I don't want them here because they spout off crazy racist crap and I don't want my child growing up hearing it. I don't want them here because they steal and ruin my things on purpose and it never gets replaced. I don't want them here because in almost 7 years I've raised my voice once, immediately and profusely apologized and got called a child abuser.

There's plenty more. As you can imagine, living like this even for a couple of days per month is seriously stressing me out. I was actually ok with it until it started effecting my son. I can't be an excellent parent to him while worrying about and dealing with skid crap.

Disneyfan's picture

The man has no respect for you or your expectations. Telling him his kids can't come over will br ignored just like everything else.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

"Kids calling a baby gross for drooling (which is pretty gross) is normal but dad should NOT be playing along."

Agree 100%. What's not normal is it going on for 20 minutes straight. And dad joining in. He would never say negative things about the baby at him, unless its to impress the skids.

Some of these issues were evident before but right after I got pregnant (before I even knew I was) things got out of hand with the skids.

" Honesty is the best policy. Let him know how you feel but hold off on ultimatums until you're really sure it's what you want."

Great advice! Thank you very very much!

SugarSpice's picture

saying anything about an infant like this is rude and immature, especially about a sibling.

not only should the father have not gone along with it (bad on so many levels), he should have put a stop to it.

agree that your husband is a jerk for poking fun along with his older children at the expense of his infant.

inmisery2015's picture

:sick: I feel that way about my skid. It has been 3 years and my husband won't do anything to teach him how to behave. I am always the bad guy getting after the skid to pick up after himself or clean his arse. He is a nasty little creep that doesn't act his age calls his father "daddy" in a high pitched whiny sissified voice but he's 11. I can't stand sitting in the same room with him either. I hide out in the bedroom. He is here for the entire summer too. My advice would be to let him know that you have had it. I would tell him how you feel, he may not know.

Cocoa's picture

you're blaming the wrong people. your dh is the problem, and you need to find the strength you need to stand up to your dh and fix your marriage. I have no fear in speaking my mind to dh, but i'm not afraid of losing him, either. lose your fear.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

^ WORD

Calypso1977's picture

i would not allow my child anywhere near those kids, even if that means you have to do double time when they are around.

at their ages, they wont change, and your DH probably wont either.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

Yes, I have been trying to limit their time around him but now I see it will have to be no time at all.

This will probably sound very whiny and pitiful but I'm overwhelmed already and the thought of loosing my weekends is really rough and depressing. I love my son very very much and he's the most high needs, sensitive baby I've ever met. I'm exhausted and drained. I need more help, not less.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

He'll be home soon and he said we could talk. I'm taking imaSmom's and Cocoa's advice. I'm going to try to speak honestly, without fear. Thank you all for talking the time to read this and respond!

thinkthrice's picture

I could have written word for word what you just wrote six to ten years ago. And yes, the problem is your DH; his testicles are squarely in the BM and skids purse.

I can't ImAgInE what it would be like to have a BIOKID with a guy who clearly favours his skids and previously enjoyed family over his present one. Thank GOD I never had that problem to face. And a counselor did suggest that my "DH" have entitlement training sessions. . .errr I mean "visitation" outside my home.

Which wouldn't work because at the time I was the sole breadwinner--Chef not having a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of due to being sodomized sideways with a 12 foot CS broomstick.

I'd say get used to the single parent lifestyle and if possible, remove you and baby from the home when he is dealing with his brood. Let him cater to them until he drops from sheer exhaustion. Let him pick up after his slobs. If need be, dump their crap onto his fav chair/side of the bed etc.

Sorry you are going through this.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

If I were to do this, there's no way he would back me up. There would be no consequences. I would just look even more powerless.

Calypso1977's picture

yep, i tried house rules early on. big fail. my fiance doesnt make SD do ANYTHING. and these were SIMPLE rules. SIMPLE.

robin333's picture

You sound exhausted. Do you have a friend that can watch the baby for an afternoon so you can sleep/ do something for yourself alone? Mothers morning out 2x/week for 3 hours saved me. And your DH needs to help you more (and parent skids).

TheLadyTremaine's picture

I really only know one person who's somewhat capable and willing to watch him. She's never offered and the one time I asked, she said yes but I could tell she didn't want to. The only me time I get is when I'm in the shower. Its crazy.

StepDrama's picture

Everyone has already said what has needed to be said. I will add that while they are around you can take this time to take the baby with you to run errands, shop, pamper yourself, spend time with friends, Etc. just get out. For example, it's Monday, we just got the SD's back. I just got off work and now I'm getting my nails done. After this I will go pick up my prescriptions, go to the vape store, then I'll go home leaving dh to pick the girls up and spend most of the night. I'll miss dinner and most of the crap. I don't have to pick them up because my DS is at his dad's until Wednesday.

Just get out of the house. You also may consider sharing the bathroom with the baby while the skids are there for sanitary purposes and if dh won't make the skids clean it or aim correctly, then he needs to commit to cleaning it after they leave.

Etc, u get the point. Dh needs to grow up. Hell, my Dh needs to grow up too. Lmao.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

I did take the baby out when they were here but it for things like grocery shopping. Not sure how I would pamper myself with him. lol.

I would certainly use the baby's bathroom but the skids are now using 2 bathrooms instead of one. He literally won't clean up after them. A few visits ago they left gobs of toothpaste in the skin and it stayed there for almost 2 months before I gave in and cleaned it myself. Right now there are pubes everywhere. I've mentioned it to OH twice. I'll end up cleaning those too probably.

ChiefGrownup's picture

Proper answer from a parent to a grade school kid complaining about baby drool is "oh, you should have seen YOUR drool!" Then proceed to tell several embarrassing anecdotes about mean kid's bodily functions as a baby, the color and specific aroma of said kid's diapers on certain occasions should be used liberally. Older kid should soon learn to stfu.

I'm also a fan of "Never let me hear you say something like that again--in this house we speak kindly to each other and of each other."

TheLadyTremaine's picture

^Exactly

IslandGal's picture

This is completely and utterly 100% on your DH. He is the one who have taught his kids not to respect you or your bio and yep! BM still has a firm hold of his balls.

Telling him to stop skids coming over won't fix this 'cos his attitude won't change - I can actually see him start to resent you for this.

Bottom line - he starts to support you and act like your husband - or you seriously think about whether you want to stay in this. If you choose to stay then be prepared to have your bio treat you the same way as DH and skids. You are married to a man with no balls whose kids rule him..I'd find that such a turn off, I'd be tempted to boot him. He can go hang around BM and wait for orders while he continues to be a lap dog for his kids.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

You're 100% correct IslandGal. I wish I wasn't so afraid. More for my son than myself.

Calypso1977's picture

yeah, i like the idea of the hubs using the pubed out bathroom. you and your son take the master, he's on his own!

TheLadyTremaine's picture

So the talk went as expected...

He acted like he just didn't realize it was bad to say those nasty things to a baby and asked that next time I speak up. I said thank you but I know it will be a whole other issue when I do say something. It will be evidence that I hate his children and want him to be unhappy.

Then I brought up the whole schedule thing. Told him it feels like he prefers that family to this one and that he treats BM better than me. That made him angry and pouty. He lied, denied, said 'I just can't win". Get ready for a good laugh...He tells me that if he lets BM think she's getting her way, things are better for the kids. I asked what was the difference between letting her think she's getting her way and actually doing whatever say tells him to do and he couldn't answer. I told him I thought it would be better for skids to see their father as a person who deserves respect. He doesn't agree.

He told me his 2 choices are to do what BM wants or to never see his kids. He doesn't want to go to court. He insists they will say that teens need flexibility and that what BM is doing is just fine. Ridiculous of course. So ends by saying "Fine, I just won't have the kids here anymore." His suggestion, not mine. As predicted, he's pissed at me now.

LuckyGirl's picture

Your husband is an absolutely appalling excuse for a parent. Period.

However, there is a far more important issue here - why on God's Green earth do you feel that you have to put up with this? He is treating you appallingly badly, and you may be kicking and tamping but ultimately you are putting up with it and allowing it to happen.

Never mind the skids. Never mind your DH. Never mind if he whinges, whines, is pissed, pouts, etc etc etc. Frankly, he needs to grow up and grow a pair. However, this is not your problem and not your issue - you cannot, and should not, be responsable for fixing it.

The important people here are you and your son. For now, how much longer are you willing to put up with his disrespect and lack of consideration? And for the future - what exactly are you prepared for your son to experience as normality as he grows up?

As you are describing it, he will experience growing up as a second-rate child in a household where Daddy treats him and his mother like sh*t. He will carry all sorts of issues into later life that WILL affect his choices and how he lives as an adult. Would you want your son to treat a future daughter in law like your husband treats you? As though she were of no importance? I very much doubt it.

I had a high-needs baby (that is now a high-needs toddler). They are exhausting. My SO helped me, looked after her when I was too ill to do so, cared for me, explained to my SD's that I needed help and how to give it, was there when I needed him, told me he loved me every day and tried to give me time for me when he could. And that is why I love him, because he has my back. And I have his.

Give some serious thought to what you want out of your life and your marriage: your self-respect is precious.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

I agree with you all...

He is waiting for me to cave and I'm the one losing. I'm going to try my best not to care but I am nervous. He does little nasty things when he's pissed. Last night after our talk, he ignored the baby which was meant to punish me but terribly painful to watch.

We share finances and have been eating away at my savings to make ends meet lately so a cleaning service is out.

Everything LuckyGirl said has been on my mind. And it terrifies me. Hearing these thing "out loud" as opposed to just in my head has clarified a lot. Thank you.

I cower around them because one time I raised my voice to them and I was called a child abuser and blamed for every issue in their lives. This deeply effected me because I actually was severely abused as a child. Being a child abuser is the worst possible thing I can imagine.

Its an issue if he sets off early because 90% of the time he tells me the wrong schedule. Its starting to seem like a power play. And it also matters because I very literally get 3 hours/week max time to myself. This is total time, for showering, using the bathroom, sleeping without interruption, etc. There is no getting my hair cut or seeing friends at all. So taking away an hour of that at the last second is a problem.

I have been working on adjustments but it seems nothing ever actually changes. I was feeling desperate when I wrote this.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

We talked again and it went much better...

He said that he regrets being more flexible with the ex than with me and said thats in the past. Said that if the neighbor's kids had been name calling the baby like that he would have told them to get the f out and that he gets thats what its like for me. He says that because he was bullied by his 3 older siblings he has a hard time recognizing this as abnormal or bad in the moment. He feels desensitized too it. He agreed that it isn't ok and he's going to stop it. I believe him about that at least. I asked him to clean the bathroom. He says he will. Said that he told the skids not to use that bathroom at all. Surprise , surprise, they didn't listen.

Obviously I'll have to wait and see but at least he acted like he cared about me and spoke like a grown up. Baby steps.

Cocoa's picture

keep this in the back of your mind: you're doing it all anyway. life without the stress of him and his kids COULD be absolutely wonderful! you will be ok without him. maybe you would benefit from some counseling to find out why you're so afraid of being alone.

TheLadyTremaine's picture

I'm afraid of my son growing up with one parent instead of two. I'm afraid he will question why I didn't try harder so stay longer.

Cocoa's picture

there are things much worse than being raised by a single parent. as a single parent, at least you would have a chance to be a calm and happy mother. as it is, what are you showing him? that it's ok for his mother to be treated poorly? that this is how he should treat his wife? i'm not saying to leave, but you need to quit being afraid of leaving. This fear is what is keeping you prisoner. I've found in my life when I've made that first giant step, there have been people there to help. and not necessarily the ones you would expect (friends, family). the universe does indeed help those that help themselves. it's stunning actually. there is a book called "too bad to stay, too good to leave". it helped me tremendously.

MAHM-mami's picture

Just tell him that you have been having a hard period adjusting with the new baby. Life is different for you now, you have no help from family, less hours of sleep, etc etc etc and that you need less skid time in your home. Especially because they are making messes that add up on you and causing aggravation when you're already aggravated managing your new life which is rough being a mom. That's what I did and it worked. Just try to make it sound nice and "woe is me" so that he doesn't backfire and say youre just being mean.
Everyone else is saying its DH's fault and in a way it is. Doesn't seem like he can take control of his kids. But at the same time I don't blame you for not wanting them in your house. I think a new bio-mommy usually pictures their happy little bio-family without skids (especially considering the hormones they are going through.)