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Help Me please i want to save this Family

Bad_StepDad's picture

Hello,
I am in a marriage with a woman that had two children a boy 8 and a girl 6 when I met her. Their dad died and I came into their lives two years later. We have been together for 7 1/2 years now and have a child together now 6.I unfortunately came into the situation with a lot of baggage. I lost my license for a D.U.I., I did not have a job. I owed the IRS $25,000. I did not have a career. I had just got out of prison for a five-year bid. I was an alcoholic and I took too many pills along with smoking pot. I was out of control, with no life direction. I wanted to change and we discussed that my wife would be the person to help me get my life together. I am in my second year of college for my Bachelor’s degree. I will have my license back in a year so I can get a job. Right now, I am collecting Disability. The situation is this everyone says I am too strict. I do not know what to do anymore. The stepchildren and I fight then my wife and I fight over that. The kids do not listen to me, never have. Their mother tries to over compensate for the fact that their father is dead. She babies them. They do not like what I tell them to do so they run to her and she yells at me for asking them to follow the rules of the house. This is what I see as issues, they sleep with the TV, lights on, sometimes PlayStation, and computers. One time the boy slept with the laptop, knocked it off the bed, and broke the screen. We have a 15 minute time limit for showers( I don’t know why it should take that long I take a 5 minute shower) but they have to be told every day for over a year to get out after 20 minutes Then when they are done the floor is soaking wet. They sit at the table with elbows on the table, feet on the chairs (crisscross applesauce or something). They cannot get food in their mouths and then do not clean up the mess after they are done. They are 14 and 16 now so their Mother told them they could swear like 3 years ago so they talk like truck drivers. I am not one to be saying anything about the way they talk but I think at their age it is inappropriate. They walk out of the room and leave lights on, T.V.’s, PlayStation, Computers, and fans whatever. They cannot close a bag of chips or any type of food container for that matter. Walk around the house with their shoes on. Now the rules in the house are all from my wife. All I do is tell them when they do something she does not like them to do. The boy is going into his third year of High School, which he has failed at least, six classes maybe more. They talk back and are disrespectful to both of us. They each have one chore the boy is expected to take out the trash the girl is expected to take care of recycling and my youngest takes care of the bathroom trashes. I cannot ask the 16-year-old boy to help me with anything (yardwork, repairing anything, shoveling nothing or there is a big scene). They did not start chores until they were 9 and 11. Oh, they also do their own laundry because, I do the laundry, and I tried to get them to turn their clothes out the right way before they gave it to me to do and they could not so now they do their own. I have tried to punish them and she has always told them she is their mother and she has the last word then gives them back whatever I took away. I have let it be for a while only interjecting when their behavior causes me to do have to do something after them like clean up after they are done eating. I try to explain to my wife that they have to listen to me when I tell them things and she needs to back me 100%. She says no their father died and you will never love them as he did. I say ok I want to but we cannot have or start a relationship or even fix what has happened until they start following the house rules and when I tell them something, they have to listen to me. I believe once that is established we can build a healthy relationship together. I want to teach my son a different way of life than what they have gone through and I cannot with the dysfunction that is all around him. They do not follow any rules. They have bad manners the oldest boy has flunked school for the past two years and she just let him start vaping at 16. Please tell me what I should do.

Bad_StepDad's picture

I also forgot something the two oldest don't eat what we cook have fought us about every type of food for years finally their Mother told them they can make their own dinners. fine but they don't eat regular food just snack all day. Ok that is everything I think do I expect too much?

Polly Esther's picture

This is your wife doing wrong and until she becomes a good parent this will continue, it will get worse, you'll continue to be treated like an unwelcome visitor in your own home and your marriage will end. But if she's unwilling to actually parent these kids, there is little to no hope for your marriage if you feel things are this bad. You're right to not want to raise your child in this mess. He's going to start wondering why he has to follow house rules and the others don't.

What should you do? I think that you already know what you have to do but because of your current circumstances, you're afraid to admit it to yourself

Bad_StepDad's picture

I also just read that I shouldn't have come into this relationship with a bunch of expectations or enforce rules. The only problem is she works(at home all day) yet doesn't enforce rules because she is busy at work and cant see what is going on. Are my expectations too much?

luvmykidsmore's picture

Oh, man. I can relate 100%. My wife has been too busy and tired to be a parent. I don't care, but being a parent should be your #1 priority and not use your crappy job as an excuse for not knowing what is going on with your and your step children's lives on a daily basis. Worse, not believing your husband, who see the kids and interacts with them far more often as to the problems that exist.

It's b/c my wife didn't enforce rules, discipline enough that I had to do the bulk of it and that created a resentful relationship with her children and a less than ideal one with my own children. Ideally, the parent should discipline their own children to avoid such resentment, but it didn't happen. Not a good year. No, your expectations are not too much. When lack of discipline affects the entire family, you have to step in. Your wife is not doing her part.

Bad_StepDad's picture

this is what my wife posted to this post in another area:My husband, who posted this,
new
Submitted by K-M-T on Tue, 07/07/2015 - 11:14pm.

My husband, who posted this, feels that I should give my side of the story. Although most of the responses above have already judged my character, called me a bad mom and my children monsters, I wasn't going to respond and entertain the criticism, but I realized, if you were all so "perfect" you wouldn't have joined this site to begin with. So here is how it is...
I was widowed at 32, left with 2 small children age 4 and 6 after a 12 year marriage. I had no interest in dating and wanted to focus on my children and myself when I met my current husband. He had told me about most of his baggage, and I loved the honesty and was willing to give it a try and see if it could work.
After 2 visits to my house, he moved in. He had no children of his own, along with the other details he included above.
He was nice to my children for about 2 weeks, never truly bonded with them and started laying down rules within the first month of living in my home. During this time, apparently we were not serious because although I believed living together meant commitment...he was webcaming and masturbating with strangers online, as a matter of fact, after I became pregnant with his child, I found chats from 3 months after he moved into my home planning to meet someone while I was at work. So by no means at that time did I feel he was "serious" about neither me or my children. Within months after living with us, he started to criticize my 8 year old son for not being "boy" enough because he didn't play sports, he called him a faggot, a pansy and probably other things I chose to forget. My daughter who was 6, was deaf until she was 8. He would make remarks about her intelligence, even told me that his mother called my kids "cunts". He would drink until he would get belligerent....yell and kick walls and doors, bang on my daughters door while she slept, and so on. After I gave birth to his son, he would keep him away from my other children...didn't want them near him at all, as though the baby was "favored" and too good for them. as they got older, and didn't bother with the youngest, he was upset that they kept away from him and felt they excluded him. Either way, they are wrong.Do I defend my children? YES...I would defend them with my life...all three of them EQUALLY, because in my eyes, they are equally important, but my husband has made it clear to my 2 oldest that they are MY kids, not his. See children know when they are loved, they know how it feels when they are loved and they also know how it feels when they are disliked. My children aren't perfect, they don't listen to everything I say, they talk back sometimes, they are slobs and need constant reminders to clean up, they leave lights on, TVs on, Playstations on, my oldest fails his classes, he's lazy and an unmotivated 16 year old...they are not perfect children. The thing is, sometimes in life, you can learn that LIFE is not perfect, that not EVERY battle is worth a fight. If I were to spend my days looking for fault in others, I'd have no time to do anything else. So, i'm a horrible mother, who has created MONSTERS, judge me if you will...because my kids are NOT PERFECT, but before you do, please tell me, how many of you responding are perfect?

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Turkey, but I want spicy mustard! And swiss cheese. If no mustard, how about some garlic hummus?

AVR1962's picture

Some of what you are dealing with is typical teenage stuff but others not. I think your wife not only has some guilt issues because bio dad passed but I wonder too if she is keeping them near here (don't leave me) and therefore babies and coddles. She is making the children dependent and is not expecting them to be responsible. If the two of you are fighting because she thinks you are too strict she also might feel she is protecting them and in that case will more than likely not listen to you but she needs to. My suggestion is that you seek a counselor to help you both move forward together on how to place rules in the home and support each other.

Every home indifferent like you said so if you both agree to shoes in the house then that should be upheld by all. The leaving lights on and electronics going to typical for the age. I raised 5 and I cannot tell you ow many thousands of times I asked the kids to turn off lights, etc. Some kids nowadays are allowed to fall asleep to movies playing and the like, I am not supportive of that and we did not allow it in our home, I think that is one thing the two of you need to discuss and decide together. 15 minute showers? If you guys are struggling to pay the water bill, fine but really this one I think needs to come off the list.

MainelyaMess's picture

If you are still following this thread, let me say this much and message me for much more.

Disengage. Listen to Tog, it will drive you nuts watching them running wild and making stupid mistakes but they are not yours and the responsibility is not yours.

I understand how guys feel like the kids behavior is somehow representative of how we are a the family "role-model", but let's face it nothing is going to change at this point.

It is clear they have no respect for you and your wife is equally frustrated at the situation. Give her a break and let it go. Avoid the confrontations wherever possible and as the adage goes..."If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all."

Meditation is a great excuse to "step-away" and literally close your eyes to the situation. You should consider it.

Get a hobby that keeps you too occupied to notice what they are doing.

Don't split up if you want to have an on-going relationship with BK, there is too much poison there to not expect it to infect him.

Once you disengage, life will improve but won't be great. Once your BK is grown you can get back to the happiness you deserve.

MainelyaMess's picture

BTW showing her this message's was a poor decision. Nobody likes to have their "dirty laundry" aired in public and considering the viciousness of some responders, it could not have ended well no matter what your intent was.