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Can someone explain the "but I love him" mentality?

Redredwine's picture

Submitted by Redredwine on Mon, 07/06/2015 - 9:45pm

I guess I don't think that way and it makes no sense to me.

To me love is a feeling but also comprised of respect, friendship, tolerance, and acceptance...and some lust.

I loved my ExH but he did things so that I lost all respect for him as a spouse, we were no longer friends, I could not tolerate his behaviors, and those things combined to kill any lust for him. Do I still respect him? Yes in some areas. Are we friends? Most people would classify it as friendship. We tolerate each other but don't have to tolerate everything. And no, there is no lust.

I love my DH. My love waxes and wanes as the other things change: respect, friendship, tolerance, and acceptance...and some lust. Maybe I make finer or more absolute categories than others.

I just don't get it when people are in a relationship with zero respect, friendship, tolerance, acceptance, or lust...but they love the other person. If I wasn't getting enough of the other things (especially respect), love would be a hard word to use for how I'd feel about the other person.

Am I too analytically minded? Too cold?

Comments

luvmykidsmore's picture

Submitted by luvmykidsmore on Mon, 07/06/2015 - 11:15pm

I agree with Echo. Desperate need. My wife is such a person, I think. As terrible as our relationship has been this past year, she continues to cling on, unwilling to divorce, insisting that we will be okay after some separation. I have been insisting that too much damage has been done. We need to go our separate ways, but she insists and tells everyone that she loves me and holds on. Typical response to her past relationships. Darn wish I hadn't ignored her past. I wouldn't be so miserable today.

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 07/06/2015 - 10:12pm

I think there are many possible explanations.

They either love who they thought the person was when they first fell in love with them, or they love the person they wish that person would be. Either way, they are hanging onto something false and can't let go of it.

It's possible they love something about the person, and think that's enough to overlook all of the other issues. They are not strong enough to walk away even when they are continually being treated like crap. They think that little bit of love is enough. Maybe they don't really know what love is.

When I was younger, I didn't understand how someone could love someone and walk away. Then I met HIM and I got it. I loved him but there were things about him and a certain dynamic between us that I knew would never work. It was never going to be enough and it was never going to be worth it. I'm glad I was strong enough to walk away because then I met DH and he IS worth it.

But, I've been told I can be too analytical and too cold and that I have a wall of steel around my heart, so.....

BethAnne's picture

Submitted by BethAnne on Mon, 07/06/2015 - 10:20pm

I think a lot of it is that as outsiders we often only hear about the state of someone's relationship when there is something going wrong a crisis or a drama. We don't go around praising our partners enough to others so they just remember that one day when we'd had an argument and off loaded on our friend. Also, you see it a lot here. We come here to vent and complain, not to sing praises most of the time.

The other parts where they are truly miserable in the relationship is fear of the unknown and the future without that person. Whether that is from lack of self confidence, or money worries or worrying how the kids will cope with separation or how everyone else will think of them having failed at their relationship.

I have been guilty of staying too long in all my major relationships before my husband, eventually my boyfriends each ended it. I think I did it partly for fear of showing others that I had failed at the relationship and because for the most part there were enough good times between the awful times to justify it to myself.

positivelyfourthstreet's picture

Submitted by positivelyfourt... on Tue, 07/07/2015 - 12:09am

I think people hold on to the hope that the person they fell in love with will " come back"

After enough time when that person doesn't come back and they are too dowtrodden or old to start over again it becomes more practical to stay-vested in the financial end and whatnot also

It might be a matter of digging one's heels in and not letting "them" win-them being BM or skids.

Maybe they don't want the stigma of a failed marriage

I don't believe in that fairy tale shit

Love is above all.... a choice

We choose to love one person and we must continue choosing correctly-doing the right thing by them to the best of our ability

My situation kind of sucks, but I'm dealing

The love I feel now is different as a result

I try and do the right thing for him and the kids but if he was gone tomorrow I probably wouldn't miss him too much

It's down to just common courtesy anymore

After everything that's happened there's no passion

He has some kind of personality disorder I believe

My daughter and I have been in therapy now for about nine months

Him?

I think he's beyond fixing, but we're getting better and he seems to be keeping a lid on his major bullshit since we started therapy

There's all kinds of reasons people hang on

My daughter needs to be with me, not him

If I walk he'll probably do all kinds of ugly stuff and right now if I have to deal with that kind of ugly I know I will be completely broken and no good for anyone

Pinki3663's picture

Submitted by Pinki3663 on Tue, 07/07/2015 - 5:26am

My two sisters fit into this category.

Sis#1 attracts narcissists like flies on shit. We were best friends all of our lives until one certain narcissists came into the picture. I have had to limit our relationship severely because of how dysfunctional it had gotten. A year later she had to get a restraining order but he had already cleaned her house out..it was a mess. To me she seems desperate and afraid of being alone.

Sis#2 was kind of blind sided. He current SO was on probation for the first 8 years they were together. They had a home, a child, he was good to her other two boys..and then the weekend his probation ended he went on a binger and now he does nothing but drink all day and takes a week out of every month to go do drugs at a motel..just says I'll be back in a while and leaves for a week or so. They lost their house. Her two boys have decided to live with their dad. She is still hanging on to what it was for those 8 years. Even though it has been two years that he has been pulling this shit, she still thinks she can bring back what was.