Hi everyone
Hi everyone, I thought it was time I stopped lurking and introduced myself. I'm a SM to 3 s/kids (SS8, SS6 and SD5) and DD2 (ours). The skids live with us fulltime. When I came into this relationship 4 years ago it was 50/50 every 7 days but BM screwed that up. I really wish she'd stop being crazy and selfish so she could be a proper mother to her kids.
I feel exhausted, tense and irritable all the time. My left shoulder blade twitches every time I sit still and I think it's from stress. The skids noise is unbelievable. Whinging, asking for stuff, fighting, pretend gun sounds, raspberries (to disguise spitting-yuk), squealing, screaming, teasing and dobbing on each other.
And with all these kids there is always someone going through a horrible "phase" and it can be really hard to find the culprit. I'm so sick of hearing "I didn't do it". I'm dreading the day DD2 copies that crap 
I could go on and on for ages but I won't because I'm too tired. Goodnight all.
Do you have any other friends
Do you have any other friends withs 2-3 or even 4 of their own kids? Sometimes I find that a sounding board with people with mom, dad ,kids all living together, hearing their stories and annoyances helps me to put my own stuff into perspective. Meaning, when I feel like my Skids behavior is just horrific, it helps in talking to other parents who are not steps in hearing that they get annoyed by some of the very same things. Example-I feel like it is totally disgusting that we have to remind the kids as old as they are to brush their teeth. I was at an end of year swim party and LITERALLY heard two moms talking about how they feel like they cannot believe 9 months have passed and they were having the same hassles with their kids at the end of the year that they were at the beginning (waking up on time, brushing teeth without reminding). I think it helps to hear that in-tact families maybe have the same struggles with behaviors being annoying, but when they are your own kids easier to tune out/easier to not be grossed out by/easier to deal with.
Perspective helps.
Hire a sitter if you need to to get out. Or see about play dates out of the house for 1 or more of them so you have a break or less chaos?
Thanks Sally, notasm and
Thanks Sally, notasm and jssdallas for your good advice.
I do daydream about dh completely taking over his kids lol. But in real life it hasn't worked out that way. He does parent his kids. I do spend more time being around them, especially during school holidays. (It's school holidays now)
I don't really have much in the way of friends here because I moved a long way to be with dh. I also feel uncomfortable talking about my skid problems because it's sounds like I'm a raging bitch. The advice I've received from friends back home is "you're the only mother they'll ever know so you have to step up". Ugh.
Thankfully my dh is supportive and doesn't expect me to be a "real mother" to his kids.
"but when they are your own kids easier to tune out/easier to not be grossed out by/easier to deal with."
I love this, it's exactly how I feel.
I've sent the skids outside to play and I have a doctors appt to see about this shoulder. I'd love to type out all my skid woes (there's plenty that I've been holding in for a long time) but this twitching is distracting me like crazy. I'm so grateful I found this site. I feel like I've finally found a peer group to talk to.
Thanks Sally. The recording
Thanks Sally. The recording is a good idea, at the moment SS8 has finally learned to say "Yes Zookeeper" when I talk to him (instead of whining or arguing with me). But I'll remember that trick for the future.
Such a hard situation. Just
Such a hard situation. Just last night had a HUGE fight with my DH over the fact that I was originally supposed to get his daughter today at 4 (granted he is going somewhere overnight with his son and I opted to have his daughter so she could spend some calm time with her new sister), but then his ex asked if I wanted her at 2:30. I didn't. I said I am good with 4. He blew up. Could not believe that I would not want additional time with his daughter, didn't understand how I could be fine with 4 and TRULY did not understand that I"m a planner and am not subject to he and his ex just making changes related to my time without my consent.
Showed that he really thought that I loved his kids as much as a parent. I don't. i like them. But I would never opt for more time. I just wanted to go with the plan and even though I didn't have conflict I was still ok with 4.
Anyways. Just tough b/c I do think that these guys weren't really looking for someone who would just disengage. I am taking the approach of not worrying so much about the small stuff (too much TV, teeth brushing) as I used to and creating some emotional disengagement. I also think I"m entitled to my time plain and simple and next time instead of having a blow up I'll either just say fine (and again not worry that we sit home while baby naps and she again watches TV) or come up with a conflict.
Sigh. Sorry to hijack this post. BUT my point is that I think the reality is that with little ones you will have to step in. I have vented to friends and I probably sounded terrible so am trying to stop that.
If you can afford it just hire babysitters when you need some time away.
I don't mind the hijack, I
I don't mind the hijack, I like this sharing of skid stories.
Oh boy I totally understand about not wanting extra time especially with a newborn. I had our 3 skids to care for along with our new DD (DH was seriously sick) and I feel your pain. It was really good of you to have your SD over at all. New mothers need all the rest they can get. The skids BM used to do early drop off/late pick ups and we just let her otherwise she'd accuse DH of not wanting them at all. That's not a problem anymore now that they live here full time though.
I thought in the beginning I could stay out of raising the skids until I found out that SS8 (who was 4 at the time) had no respect or manners and threw screaming tantrums all damn day. So I started putting in my 2 cents worth to DH (for example: the skids are too old to throw all their bread crusts under the table, they can take plates to the sink). And I also had to teach "Can I please have...." instead of "I want, I want, I WANT IT NOW!" And SS8 has finally stopped the whining and arguing and says "Yes Zookeeper" when I tell him what to do. (for now anyway). DH was on board with all this once I pointed it out, but when I was on my own with the skids I had to demand that they respect me. Sorry for the rambling but the point is that yes you're right that I had to step in.
Also your "emotional disengagement" has struck a chord with me. I do that too. For example: I look after DD2's special toy collection carefully but as long as the skids toys are put away I don't care so much.
Just the little things. I
Just the little things. I have gone in 3x to wake up SD for camp. her mom is picking her up. i have a bagel and OJ ready for her. I'm going to proceed with getting myself dressed while the baby is napping. Her mom will be here to pick her up. I said if you aren't ready it is on you. I have been in 3 times.
Just letting go about caring so much (also caring so much if BM things I have a handle on it over here). BM also asked today if she could come later. Honestly I broke my own new policy and was flexible with the time, but I did in a passive aggressive way say-oh no that will be fine we were planning to be home at X time as originally scheduled.
It just shows me that she does not respect my time - her last minute meeting more important. But then again, I'm like if we are flexible she will be too so isn't hat ok. Very circular and a lot of guilt. I have decided TODAY THAT I AM GOING TO BE EMOTIONALLY STRONGER about my boundaries. I'm too nice. I feel bad too much and it is exhausting b/c no one seems to feel bad for me. Including DH.
Sorry. Again I hijack. tough situation. and all we can do is our best. But i think some emotional disconnection is ok. But I also get that they need to have manners and I do feel that when we are all in public they are a reflection of me b/c I am helping raise them. I think it is finding the balance.
Sigh.
Oh yes yes yes I totally get
Oh yes yes yes I totally get it!!! The constant stream of "little things" are what drive me nuts. I had an outrageously bad morning today.... First sound I hear is SS6 squealing.... I'm trying to drink my coffee in peace and SS8 is up early yapping at me about his pocket money (chores were supposed to be finished yesterday) and wanting to know how much money is in my bank account (he's been told it's rude to ask about finances. SS6 takes 15min to brush his teeth..... which puts both him and SD5 15min behind getting dressed. Then SS6 is trying to spin in circles and get dressed at the same time..... SS8 starts yelling because he finds the one jacket that BM has sent him on the floor, throws it at the couch, narrowly missing my DD2, who is quietly watching tv. (This is the kid who sees no problem throwing clothes I buy on the floor). Then SD5 and SS6 decide to get dressed in slow motion while staring at tv, while SS8 is ranting in his room about people touching his stuff (SS8 is a hypocrite) I go and take panadol for the headache that's starting.... SD5 has food in her hair again (I wonder why DD2 rarely gets food in her hair?) Then SS6 bumps his head (icepack time). SS8 is still yelling because he can't find his hat. They were late for school. All they have to do in the morning is eat the breakfast I make for them, brush their teeth, put on the clothes I lay out for them. I fix SD's hair. They have a whole hour to get ready. All little things crammed into two hours. I still feel shaky 2 hours later.
Sorry this has turned into a crazy rant.
It's a good idea deciding to be stronger about your boundaries. I put my foot down with psychotic BM by refusing to supervise her calls to the skids after she abused me for missing one of her calls. (She's so bad everything has to be supervised). I was dropping everything for her calls (whenever she felt like it), encouraging SS8 to be polite and respectful (he's only interested in presents from her), teaching the skids to take turns talking and be quiet when it's not their turn, no walking away and forgetting she's on the phone and making a huge effort to keep DD2 quiet. Now it's DH's job and he's not always available and he doesn't work hard for her calls like I did. So long as DD2 doesn't get on the phone I don't care.
""I feel bad too much and it is exhausting b/c no one seems to feel bad for me. Including DH"" I feel that way too. ***big hugs***
Camps are always good. The
Camps are always good. The gymnastics place here always has camps over holidays. Kids love it. I would just start planning (and saving $$) for some things like that. So sorry. So hard. and summer is LONGGGG....
UPDATE: My MIL (she's a
UPDATE: My MIL (she's a lovely lady) is having SS8 and SS6 at her house for two nights! Yaaaaaaay!!!!!