I was just reading another thread in this forum about retirement and finances. Just today I had a really heavy, awful argument with DH about this situation. (We raised his kids here with zero help from BM. Now they're in their 20s. SS23 hasn't spoken to me in years and is away at school. SS25 lives with us and there is no sign he'll ever move out--constantly repeats that it's too financially hard to ever move out.) I told DH impatiently I just don't see how I can go on like this, I'm worried about what the heck is going to happen to me in retirement, and it erupted into a vicious fight.

I'm in my mid-40s. He's in his mid-50s. When we met (in my late 20s), he was going through a nasty divorce and ended up in debt. He always made more money than I did (being 10 years older, and a privileged male), and he moved his kids in without consulting me, didn't want me to have kids, so yeah, he always paid a higher percentage of bills than I did. He keeps throwing it in my face that he pays a higher ratio of bills, like he got ripped off! Fuh, it's just turning my stomach. He mentioned it again today when I said I'm freaked out about our financial future and worried what expenses he'll secretly incur for his kids for the rest of time.

He takes them out for dinner at nice restaurants every two weeks. Here's how often he takes me out to dinner per year: ONCE, on my birthday. I honestly don't think he'd be so eager to please them if he was still married to their Mom--in fact I think he would have given them the boot by now. I think this pathetic dynamic is fueled by a desire to "offset" my presence, to counterbalance the fact I exist, to make everyone feel better. Do you know what this does to a person's soul, day in day out, year after year? My entire life seems like it's a deteriorating reflection of their displeasure with me, and if getting DH to spend money makes them feel good for a fleeting moment and compromises me, then all the better.

But this isn't unique. I'm sure we're all in the pretty much same boat.

It sounds like my DH is the similar to every other biological father referred to here--he's clearly got some gonzo misplaced "guilt" for not still being married to his sons' lunatic BM, and he seems fixated on impressing them. All they give a crap about is how he can help them (no interest in ever doing something kind for him). In the past he had covered up (or outright lied about) expenses he incurred for them, since the beginning--bikes, video games, computers, and God knows else--and I just don't trust him. He is capable of doing extremely stupid things. I can easily picture being told by a lawyer someday that I'm financially screwed because of some secrets he has kept. (I've asked to see his banking info and share mine--not a chance he'll do it, ever. He starts to get offensive and abusive and I can't take it.)

Why in the world any woman would readily sign up to be a stepmother, I will never understand. Including my own stupid decision, which will forever mystify me. And the worst of it isn't just the compromised finances, the awkward dynamics in your own home, the tensions with your spouse--the worst of it is the feeling of being the eternal outsider, unloved, judged, and not likely to ever reap the benefits of the resources you're funneling at these people. It's not like they'll give a crap if you live or die, or visit if you get sick or old, or speak lovingly of you to anyone. It's just constant hate and resentment in your space, day in and day out. It's flipping exhausting and soul-draining. I told my husband I think it's time we talk about a divorce. It will be drawn out for months and even years and I hardly even have the energy to really initiate it.