Bm always at my home
I have had a large falling out with BM due to the amount she lies. She has a psychological compulsive lying problem and it has just gotten to be too much for me so I have distanced myself. She is constantly at my house cooking dinner for the kids which I have asked to stop and it has. She is always invited to every little fun thing we do as a third wheel which kills my time with the kids. I've addressed this with my SO (been together 3yrs) and he doesn't get it. So last week when she asked what we were doing for the fourth I told her I didn't know but that we would have the kids. Left it at that. Last night I get screamed at for not inviting her and this text message later :
(1/5) Accept that as who she is and move on.. It's a fukn psychological problem she doesn't know how to deal with so either confront her when she does it or he(2/5) lp her to get better. I'm sorry but she is part of me when it comes to the whole package. She has no one else right now and I don't have the heart to let (3/5) her fall and keep failing and turn my back. If she was competent that would be one thing. Single mother of 4 still trying to get a degree so she can adequ(4/5) ately support herself. She has alot to deal with and I'm telling you she lies to please and tries just to make everyone like her and accept her. She hates(5/5) disappointment and has little self esteem.
I've tried confrontation and she gets pissed and then I get in trouble because it makes it harder for him with the kids... What the hell do I do with this??? Suck it up? She is at our home 4-5 times a week while I'm on shift.
OK EVERYONE!! Yes I am really
OK EVERYONE!! Yes I am really the Step mom not BM but there was more to the story..... Here it goes:
I met my SO when he needed a free place to stay after learning his wife had been cheating with his bf and was pregnant. I often loan out a room in my house for people in need so a mutual friend introduced us. I knew who he was (because he's beautiful and everyone knows who he is) but we had not spoken much. So he moved in and way too soon later I became his rebound. Blah! There had been talk that his wife didn't know where he was or why he was gone (remember she IS a compulsive liar) so I made him go with me to talk to her. To a) stop the bs that she didn't know where he was and b). To make sure his story was legit. It was and then some. I got to find out all about her affair and how she has now bankrupted him, and was losing the house that she and the kids were in. Needless to say that first 1 yr was a fucking ridiculous mess. I had fallen in love and so had he..... It was a horrible situation as it looked like hell from the outside. But then it got worse..... Baby was born and........... It WAS my SO not the other guys. So know he has a new baby with his ex wife (that refused to talk to me because I stole her husband). The guilt began. He loves his kids and is a very involved dad. So he was at her house trying to form a bond with his infant all the time and trying to juggle time with us. Then BM had to move up by us after losing the house. She and I began being friendly because "I am so good to her kids" that went to she began watching our dogs for us when we went out of town with the kids, to she would come over and watch the kids so my so could spend time with them yet still get work done in the house. Then she began cooking dinner (always leaving me a plate for when I got home from work). She would hang out till I got home to see me (she just moved here and had no friends). Then she breaks BOTH her ankles falling down my steps one day......... Her home is nothing but stairs sooooooo..... She had to move in. Obviously it was miserable! I couldn't touch my so in front of her cause it was rude, our sex life was ridiculous bad. One day she accidentally heard us having sex and pitch such a fit she cancelled the kids bday party at my house. She finally moved out after two months.... Whew but then obviously the boundary was gone. She would come and go in our home all the time. She would even come over when neither of us were there. When an attempt was made by my so to stop her she pulled the kids from him all together and said we could take her to court!! So now here we are with his ex coming and going as she pleases because of fear to lose the kids. I finally had enough and tried to put my foot down. He said I was wrong and us all getting along was better for the kids...... Grrrrr
Then I find out she has been telling anyone with ears that thier divorce is not final and my so won't sign because he still loves her! Well bitch I have a copy of the papers so bullshit! But I did try to explain to my so that his behavior does fuel her beliefs that he still loves her and frankly makes me uncomfortable as well. He says there is no way anyone would think he still loves her.
So the above text was after I had blown up about her constant lies and badmouthing behind my back and I didn't want the backstabbing bitch in my home. I posted this as a way to show him that I was not off base.....
SO THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT THAT THE BITCH DOES NOT NEED TO BE IN MY HOME.
The update: she has been banned from even stepping foot on my property any more. she is to drop off kids and pick up only. No more than 10min and is to stay outside!
Oh yeah and my SO explained
Oh yeah and my SO explained in great detail that he would never love "her lying cheating ass again as she has ruined his life and continues to try her hardest to ruin it still." He appologized for how the part of me sounded and how he made me feel like he could love anyone but me. He explained one of his biggest fears is that her failure in life will effect his kids and so feels that he constantly has to save her despite herself.
Wow umm ok. Just like that?
Wow umm ok. Just like that? And no it's my house so it would be kicking him out.
So, kick him out.
So, kick him out. :?
Yes, it is just that simple.
Yes, it is just that simple. Your house, your rules. He complies or he and his spawn leave. End of problem either way.
It is amazing to me that you have allowed yourself to become a boarder in your own home rather than demanding that your SO, the man who is supposed to be your equity life partner, turn you into his sugar mama and back and call girl.
Grow some sack, put your rules in place and put your foot up SO's ass. He can keep this person out of YOUR home or he can leave. His past mistake baggage includes his children not his XW. That he actively invites her into YOUR home and YOUR life is most definitely puke worthy. :sick: It is more disgusting that you tolerate it.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
Ok no the kids are not brats
Ok no the kids are not brats and you need to never call them that again.
And who would make this up???
Who would put up with this
Who would put up with this craziness????
I'm sorry but she is part of
I'm sorry but she is part of me when it comes to the whole package.
That would be all I needed to be DONE. Seriously. This is one of the most ridiculous situations I have ever heard of a woman putting up with.
There's no way this is real.
There's no way this is real. No woman with an ounce of self-respect would put up with it.
Wow thanks! That's incredly
Wow thanks! That's incredly helpful! Nope it's real and it's called being a bigger person. I completely trust nothing physical to be going on but yes there is some emotional relationship there.... But she is the mother of his children and I hope he does always care for her as that! That shows a respectful man that knows exactly what he did by "knocking her up" he bought a life time of responsibility to that woman. The part I don't appreciate is him not seeing that it's the exception not the rule for her to be there.
IF this is real, it's not
IF this is real, it's not being the bigger person. You are diminishing yourself by putting up with it.
No, he did not buy a life
No, he did not buy a life time of responsibility to that woman, he bought a responsibility to his kids.
You can call it being the bigger person, but allowing the BM, the ex, to be this involved in your life, it's not being the bigger person, it's being... well, let's just leave it at that.
He is not ready to move on. He may not want to be romantically involved with her but he is certainly not ready to move on. Sorry, but that's the truth.
You can call it being the
You can call it being the bigger person but when your "partner" is choosing his ex over you, which he is by telling you to accept it and her and help her and just Deal with all the crap.... it's really more like being a doormat than a bigger person.
Him "caring" for her as the mother of his children can happen without him having to take care Of her. How does he become responsible for her well being because they procreated together? When you have a child, what you've "bought" is a responsibility to the child that's been created - you don't suddenly become responsible for the other adult until the day they die. And if that's really what you believe, then you should not be in a relationship with this man. If he has purchased a life of responsibility for her because they had kids together you need to move aside so that he can go back to her and take care of her properly. He needs to be committed to her and Their relationship, to being there for her, providing for her, offering her daily support. Not living with his mistress and giving her his left over time and attention and making her share him and his resources with you.
I can't take it. Lord knows
I can't take it.
Lord knows I am not anti BM here, but this too much. There's not a SM on the planet that would go along with the "he bought a life time of responsibility to that woman" line of thinking. That phrase has CRAZY ASS BM written all over it.
This can't be real.
Infidelity, whether physical,
Infidelity, whether physical, emotional, or both, is still infidelity. Yes, his XW will always be the mother of his first brood but .... that is all she should be particularly since she is invasive of his life now that they are no longer married. She has his past. You are his present and his future. That he allows her to interfere in his relationship with you tells me that he is not all in as a dedicated equity life partner to you.
One thing is for sure. An X should never be allowed to interfere in an SO relationship in any way ever no matter what. The interface between your SO and his X is regarding the children. That those kids are shredded constantly with the confusion of mommy and daddy not being married yet playing house and happy family in YOUR home is a very toxic condition for them to have to be raised in. IMHO of course.
I understand working with the blended family opposition/X when they can be reasonable. This woman insisting on invading your home when you have clearly addressed the issue is far from reasonable and your SO facilitating this crap while clearly prioritizing his X above you is a deal breaker in my mind.
So, you have a choice in my opinion. 1) Tolerate the current situation, suck it up, and live with it. 2) Take control, give your SO complete clarity and have the XW hauled off in handcuffs the next time she sets foot on your property. 3) Put SO and his baggage spawn and baggage XW to the curb and move on with your life.
So, whatcha gonna do?
Take care of yourself.
So he lives in Your house and
So he lives in Your house and plays happy family with his ex while you're at work.... And screams at you when you don't offer his crazy ex invitations then texts you absolute crap about how YOU should help her?! About how she is part of him?! WTF. YOU didn't knock her up, you have zero responsibility for this grown ass woman, psych problems or not. And if she's still part of him then yea honey, he's not with that relationship and shouldn't be pretending to be in one with you. Unless of course sister wives is your thing and then best of luck to you.
This whole dynamic is not normal and I guess you can suck it up if you want and you're really That interested in being with a guy that is still having a relationship with another woman but it sounds pretty incredibly unhealthy to me. It sounds like you're being used. It sounds like he's way more vested in his relationship with BM than he is with you. He defends her to you. Pretty sure he's not defending you at all. He's attacking you - not for being rude, not having done something nasty - simply for Not inviting her.
If I were you I'd tell the guy to move the hell out and back in with his real girlfriend. That I didn't knock her up, have no need of accepting or helping her since I'm not in a relationship with her. That I'm not going to be second class in my own frigging house to his psycho ex just because he's not over her.
I am in a relationship with
I am in a relationship with her.... She is the mother of my kids... I will never have my own biological. My SO kids are mine so that in turns makes her kids mine. I only want the best for them and I know having us all be friends is the best for them.
THOSE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS. If
THOSE ARE NOT YOUR KIDS.
If the you and your SO break up, your connection to those kids will end.
OMG, between you, the BM and dad, those kids are in got one hell of a ride.
I am there legal guardian and
I am there legal guardian and God mother and no that connection will not end. Much like a biological parent you don't get to go in and out of kids life's because it's convient. They are not in the relationship they will not suffer even if we chose not to be together
Legal guardian to 5 children?
Legal guardian to 5 children? Wow, kudos to you. Who relinquished their parental rights?
Seriously? Oh my God.
Seriously? Oh my God.
well... I personally don't
well... I personally don't think it's healthy for kids to see an adult accepting the "friendship" of a pathological liar. I don't think it's healthy for kids to play happy family with mom and dad and whoever when mom and dad are divorced, I think that's confusing for children and makes them hold out hope mom and dad will get back together. I don't think it's good for kids to see someone always be a victim and get rescued. I think it's much better for children to understand boundaries, to understand that adults should be responsibility for themselves and their actions. That a strong relationship where the partners protect each other is what they should be looking for as adults. That often times "saving" people is really enabling and a symptom of co-dependency which is unhealthy for all parties involved.
But if you believe that you are in a relationship with this woman and being friends with her is best for the kids, then yes, you should suck it up, apologize to your SO and to BM, lift the cooking ban and stop expecting her being in your home to the exception. You should embrace it as the normal and accept that she has mental health problems and over look the lies. Because any confrontation from you will upset SO, BM and thus the children. It would be far better for every one else for you to just keep quiet and let this family function within your home they way they wish to without any interference from you.
Though I recognize your
Though I recognize your desire to be a martyr to your Skid's happiness and I do agree that it is best for the Skids if all of the bio and Step parents can get along it is far from best for any child to grow up in a situation where manipulation, extorting resources from one another, and spineless weaseling from all adults in the picture is a constant in their lives.
My bride (of nearly 22 years) and I raised our son (my SS22) together. We met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. His Sperm Idiot is a useless POS and his Sperm Clan is what you would expect from a family that spawned the Sperm Idiot. My SS is the eldest of 4 out of wedlock children by three different baby mamas. We never badmouthed the Sperm Idiot or anyone else in the Sperm Clan but neither did we hide the facts and truth of his situation, his Sperm Clan, or the Custody/Visitation/Support order that we lived under until he was 18 from our son. Facts are not good or bad, they are just facts and the Skids need to be kept abreast of all facts regarding their blended family in an age appropriate manner.
I understand that you love your Skids. I completely understand that they are YOUR kids. My son is MY son regardless of his biology. In fact, just over two months ago he asked me to adopt him. He informed his mom and I that he is a Rags, always has been a Rags, and wanted to change his name. I told him he could change his name without being adopted but he wanted "the full meal Rags deal" and wanted me to adopt him. So we made that happen. He stays in contact with his Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs and his Sperm GrandHag and Sperm GrandPa but he is very clear that they are not nor have ever been his family. That is not my stance or his mom's stance it is his. One he has arrived at through his lifetime of dealing with them, their toxicity, and manipulative entitlement mentality.
So, in my opinion if you do not hold your SO accountable to demonstrating absolute commitment to you as equity life partners you are doing YOUR kids a disservice and are not giving them an effective example of parents and partners of commitment and of character with standards that the kids must meet and that the SOs much meet to each other.
You cannot fix your SO's X and neither can he. His focus and priority and yours can only be the relationship that you share. That relationship must be the only unequivocal priority. The kids are the top marital responsibility but the priority is the marriage and only the marriage. That is the example that will give YOUR kids the best chance of developing into viable adults of character.
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
That WAS the relationship we
That WAS the relationship we had until her constant lies got to me and I couldn't take it. I would like to go back to that as it's better for the kids but I can't handle her right now.... I need a break from her. She WOULD NEVER be a person I would choose to be friends with if she didn't give birth to my kids. I don't tolerate lying. I needed time to find a way to address it with her before I could hang out with her again. Her cooking at my house was a big part as she continually messed up stuff and then would lie about it....
Thank you this was actually
Thank you this was actually helpful and non-judge mental. I have suggested he go to her house and he seems ok with that.... She's not... Umm??? Wtf! Luckily he told her too bad.
She did not give birth to
She did not give birth to your kids. She gave birth to to her kids and to your SO's kids. They are the parents of the kids - not you.
Confront the lies each and
Confront the lies each and every time they arise. Keep the kids informed of the facts and do not allow that their mother is full of shit to be a secret to them. That gives them the best chance of being able to recognize their BM's bullshit and to protect themselves from it as they grow up.
BM has proven that she is not worthy of inclusion in YOUR home and in YOUR family. Yes, she is the BM of YOUR kids but that does not mean that she is included in YOUR home, YOUR life, and YOUR family.
Sure, if the opposition can be reasonable then work with them reasonably but there is a no tolerance, no do over standard that they must meet and that we as Sparents to OUR kids, and partners to our SOs must hold them to. If they violate those standards even once they become nothing more than a threat to our family that must be either controlled or destroyed.
The BM in your life is toxic, has violated acceptable standards, and your SO needs to man up and get her under control or he can STFU while you do it.
Period!
IMHO of course.
Take care of yourself.
Yes they are legally mine she
Yes they are legally mine she is not capable
They still live 50/50. But I
They still live 50/50. But I am legally responsible for them.
OP -- do you have trouble
OP -- do you have trouble with sending your children to a parent who was deemed "incapable?" Perhaps 50/50 was established before mental health or whatever issues flared and could be reevaluated. A court order would help clarify visitation and perhaps allow you to reclaim your home.
I know that I would have a flippin' fit if my child spent 1/2 of his time with someone who was incapable of parenting, supervising etc. Heck, I flip out at the prospect of having to move my BS-13 to a crappy school district !!!
Of they are legally yours
Of they are legally yours (not buying it), then take the kids and kick out the dad.
Exactly. This whole thing is
Exactly. This whole thing is very fixable.
This post = wow!
This post = wow!
These stories are becoming
These stories are becoming more crazy it seems. I can't beleive it's true, just for the sheer fact I would have left dh in the first few months if this happened to me.
Sounds to me he is just using you to meet his physical needs and to be a nanny. He has Bm for his emotional needs, so I guess if you're cool with that.
People on here will give you straight forward advice, no sugar coating. If you can't handle that, don't ask for advice.
Yep!
Yep!
^^^^^^Absolutely
^^^^^^Absolutely this!!!^^^^^^
Your SO has explained his
Your SO has explained his expectations (must help and support ex because she is and always will be apart of him). OK, you've listened. You're struggling with it, understandable.
Have you explained your expectations to your SO (how you envision your happy family and how much you are OK with ex is apart of it, birthday parties, Christmas, OK, other holidays, no thanks, you'd like ex not to be apart of those). Does he listen and try to understand your POV? You BOTH have the right to how you want to live, identify the parts that clash, talk through whether you can BOTH compromise and go from there.
But just to warn you, until your SO deals with his co-dependency and enmeshment issues with his ex, he is unlikely to give you that passionate unyielding respect and concern that current partners deserve.
Whether his ideals and beliefs (and your's) about his ex and the amount of support he believes he HAS to give her is 'right or wrong', the fact is, he IS NOT giving YOU and YOUR relationship the support and respect it deserves. The ex is not the problem here, something between your partner and you is missing and that's why you are frustrated (and perhaps unhappy).
Or, an extra bedroom, a
Or, an extra bedroom, a larger house and 3 parents co-parenting THEIR 5 children.
It would make good reality TV.
You know it is possible to have a 3 parent home. A few months ago we had the lesbian couple who moved the exDH/BD into their house for a bit. I think it would be much harder with an ex-DW, SO and his current GF. My ex-DH told his lover that I would raise her child for her as a sibling to BS, ... crazy things do happen IRL.
My friends sister lives with
My friends sister lives with her partner, his 2 kids, her 1 and his ex who is disabled and has other issues,but no other family who were willing to take care of her. The friends sister, there are parts of it she hates, BUT her and her partner are on the same page, I think if he ever yelled at her to accept this other woman as a part of him, she wouldn't be with him. So I know it's possible, BUT the current couple HAVE to both in agreement regarding how much the ex's are aprt of things.
So if you're the legal
So if you're the legal guardian then what the heck is the problem? You get in trouble??? Who gets you in trouble? That's just ridiculous. You're a grown woman and you allow yourself to get in trouble over someone your SO used to have sex with? Weird.
I just took a look at the
I just took a look at the OP's bio. She has the kids listed as her STEPkids. :? :?
I'm confused as well. The
I'm confused as well. The original post says the BM is a "Single mother of 4", and OP's bio has "SM to 5". So I wonder where the other skid came from? I mean don't get me wrong; this entire thing has been interesting and entertaining, but I do like the elements to be kept straight.
Yes BM only had four of my
Yes BM only had four of my five step kids. The 5th came from my SO first marriage at 16. He has full custody of him since he was a toddler and was trying to avoid the problems he had with first BM with the second by us all being friends. Yall are an amazingly judge mental lot.
His idea of avoiding the
His idea of avoiding the problems doesn't seem to be working. Too bad for him.
Certainly we may sound
Certainly we may sound judgmental and some of us even are. However, many of us have been doing this blended family adventure thing for a long, long time and many who are long time members of STalk have heard countless situations and scenarios that result in miserable Sparents, toxic Skids, and pathetic partners.
The one big happy family model works well but only for the extremetly rare situation where all adults in the picture are mature people of character. Your situation is not one of those. BM is tragically flawed and her presence in your relationship is toxic to the relationship and to the kids. By your own comments your SO is no man, has no balls, is not committed to you above his commitment to the womb that spawned his children.
So, rather than judgmental I would look at this community as pragmatic and realistic. If you will not confront the situation you have described to actually solve it then you are not only tolerating it, you are facilitating and enabling it. That is far from good for yourself and even farther from good for these unfortunate kids who are saddled with a characterless father and a psychotic mother. They do have the blessing of a SM who loves them, supports them, and cares for them. They would be better off if their SM would step up and be a be a viable adult and parent who protects them from the misfortune of losing the parent lottery both on the mother and the father ticket.
IMHO of course.
Good luck and take care of yourself.
Very sad that you had to come
Very sad that you had to come here to find any advice but good thing you did.
You are not this man's wife nor main squeeze. You are his concubine. Maybe even sugar mama.
Move out. Delete all his contact info. Have nothing to do with any of them ever again. Do this today. NOW.
She is at my house even when
She is at my house even when he is not there. That is the problem getting her to understand boundries
This is not your problem at
This is not your problem at all. Your problem is getting YOURSELF to understand boundaries. Not to mention self-worth, emotional health, mental health, adult relationships, and basic sanity.
As long as that woman has a key to your house, which apparently she does, she will use it. That's so basic it's almost actual physics.
Having cordial and gracious relations with the BM is proper, which is not at all the same as being besties and roomies. In fact, do you give your actual bestie a key to your house and does she wander in and cook dinner when she's feeling like it? Do you allow your bestie complete emotional access to your lover?
How to you go from being to
How to you go from being to Godmother,to legal guardian(yet both bios still have 50/50 :?)to the stepmom?
I just don't understand how to Godmother ends up doing daddy. :sick: :sick:
I was made godmother so if
I was made godmother so if both parents died I would get custody but then finally made legal guardian.... How do you not get that? Do you know what a godmother is?
Godmother = responsible for
Godmother = responsible for religious upbringing of minor child. Courts and wills are necessary to make it legal guardian in the case of death of BOTH parents.
Do you know how Godparents
Do you know how Godparents are chosen?
Both parents pick the Godparents. They pick people they love and trust to take care their children if they both die.
If BM picked you to be her children's Godmother, it means the two of you were pretty close and she trusted you.
Godparents and bio parents do not have a sexual relationship.
This is either a big lie or all of you just lack boundaries.
Clearly someone's bm
Clearly someone's bm trolling.
You only missed the bit where
You only missed the bit where they live in HER house and she provides sex it seems to me.
So she's the convenient landlord with benefits, while this man and his wife and THEIR children continue to live their dysfunctional life around her.
Lady, if you are for real - get some therapy, you have issues. Your self-esteem must be non-existent to put up with this shit for even a week. Where are YOUR boundaries????? Your issue is NOT that his ex is a pathological liar, mentally incompetent or that SHE has no boundaries. your issues are that YOU and YOUR partner have no boundaries, he does not respect you in the slightest or value you as a serious life partner.
Get help, and get these people out of your house, find a real man who will love you first.
Sweet Baby Jesus.... Face it
Sweet Baby Jesus....
Face it you're the girlfriend in an open marriage or as you naively put it: the on-call free nanny, maid and bootycall
Sounds like your SO wants to
Sounds like your SO wants to be like Cody Brown and for you and the ex to be sister wives.
I don't believe for a minute
I don't believe for a minute that you have any type of genuine legal guardianship over your stepchildren.
Unless the EX signed over her parental rights and you legally adopted them (which you have not said despite many requests that you clarify WHY you seem to think you have legal guardianship) then you are nothing more that a Stepparent. Period.
You might have custodial rights to drop off/pick up from school/take to Doctors, but you are not a legal guardian. If your DH leaves you, you would have no rights to ask to see these kids.
******
******
Holy crap on a cracker.
Holy crap on a cracker.
You, my dear, are a nut job. If this post/situation is real, you seriously need some help. You talk about boundaries?? That's a Hoot! There are clearly NO boundaries in your crazy life with you equally crazy DH. Sounds like you guys are setting up for your own reality TV show - you know the kind where the super creepy dude has multiple wives doting over him. I'm not sure what sort of warped views you all have under the guise of region or whatever other crazy crap you've got going on, but if any of you think you're doing these kids any good, well, then you're even crazier still.
This sounds like you're one step away from Honey Boo Boo and clan.
Wow. Just wow.
Firearms are an effective
Firearms are an effective solution for home invaders. }:)
Please, just to end this,
Please, just to end this, tell us once and for all - have you legally adopted or has a court ordered you legal permanent custody of these children? You personally, I mean. Not to your SO. As in, birth mom has been removed of her rights as their parent. She has no legal say in their lives anymore.
Let's hope. That was in
Let's hope. That was in competition with Jilly for the wtf award.
This is either one of our
This is either one of our lovely BMs, or this broad is a side ride in her own home. Either way, quite an entertaining post!
Oh Geez Louise!! Are you
Oh Geez Louise!! Are you seriously for real?? He must be laughing his ass off wit his wife (BM) about what a sucker you are. Good bloody grief, woman!! BFAER!!
Your SO has a pretty sweet
Your SO has a pretty sweet deal. You are the mistress who supports him, his wife and his kids.
Your description of BM could
Your description of BM could be my niece. Without the failed marriage, kids, etc...... Most young people go through a phase where they tell people what they think the people want to hear rather than the truth. I believe that generally they do this so not to disappoint. At some point it becomes a severe character and behavioral flaw.
My niece is far beyond the behavioral and character flaw point. Nothing that comes out of her mouth can be believed. If she is talking, she is lying. She is a beautiful, loving and caring person but beyond that not someone I have much use for. At least until she gets this crap resolved. It will take decades of absolute truth and fact coming from her mouth before anyone can believe her. At 21yo she may just have time to fix her shit and move on to a life of character but I am not holding my breath.
I barely tolerate the presence of my niece. I would not tolerate for one second the baggage of my SO particularly if that baggage should have been left on the curb with the garbage long ago.
You do realize that the problem is not BM right? The problem is that your DH facilitates, enables, and tolerates her crap. DH has no clue that it is far past time to take out the trash and leave it out. Give him clarity.
I would.