It's been 5 years, and SO doesn't acknowledge me to his son
My SO and I have been in a relationship for 5 year now. He has 50/50 custody of his 6 yr old boy. SO and I live together in a completely different state from his child and BM, and SO commutes across the country to be with him every other week. The few times I am invited to spend time with them, SO still will not acknowledge our relationship to his son. No touching, No conversation that doesn't include the child or isn't directed to the boy or isn't about the boy in to child's presence. SO acts like we're barely acquainted or that I'm around just to be another playmate to his son. This, coupled with the fact that My SO and the Grandparents all show the kid undivided attention 24/7 has taken me to the limit. I feel the child is a bit confused as to why I'm around at all, and because I don't think every adult in the room needs to be on the kid every second ( I tell you, it's the weirdest things ever), I often feel out of place, excluded, and unrecognized. Most times, I'd rather not even bother being around them - can't take the dynamic. I' ve watched the coddled toddler turn into a dependent, manipulative, self-centered, wimpy, bossy and rude little boy who can't be alone for 5 seconds, doesn't do anything( can't put on his own clothes, absolutely no chores not even take his dish to the sink, never mind put toys away, or self calm -SO stay in his room for 2 hours every night waiting for him to fall asleep before leaving his room).
If I mention any concern, I'm the a-hole. 5 years, and still have to pretend I'm some random "buddy." Is this normal, because it sure doesn't feel right - but I have no other point of reference. Help.
Thanks for the responses. Of
Thanks for the responses. Of course it's not what I think is ideal, just wanted some objective feedback on whether or not it's unusual. I have tremendous love and respect for my SO (he bought an apt. in nyc when he got 50/50) and I think he's a wonderful father. I guess I just wanted to see other's perspectives in whether I'm being unreasonable or impatient. Open- minded and willing to learn...
Well, he might be an
Well, he might be an attentive and dedicated father, but if he is coddling his child, letting him get away with rude behavior and not teaching him to be independent, there is NO way he is a wonderful father. That is not parenting, it is assuaging one's own guilt and creating a monster.
You may respect your SO, but
You may respect your SO, but he does not respect you. People who respect you do not hide you and your realtionship from others.
I love in NYC. My gut tells
I love in NYC.
My gut tells me th us guy is still sleeping with BM (and the kid is aware of it) or another woman (and the kid is aware of it).
The only reason a man would keep his current relationship a secret for that long is if there is a another woman in the picture. He treats like an old friend around his son so that he doesn't confuse the kid and/or he doesn't have to worry about him spilling the bean.
There is no way in hell I
There is no way in hell I would have put up with this for 5 years. Something is way off.
I just reread the OP. This
I just reread the OP. This man travels cross country every other week. The guy is living two separate lives.
How can you respect a man who treats you like his dirty little secret????
Wow. Amazing feedback. Did
Wow. Amazing feedback. Did not expect so many responses so quickly.
I should be clearer about situation, though:
1) he had 3 year custody battle for 50/50 and is currently in support battle w/ narcissist BM - ver contentious so no worries of reconsilation or cheating.
2) Son is in NYC, businesses are here - and he can work remotely, thus thw back and forth. It is only to his son that our relationship is not revealed.
3) no plans for marriage - I know, I know
I love him. I have no other excuse for staying around so long. Just always hoped it would get better - and I would guess I'm not the i ly one who's been guilty if this. This has been an slow evolution. When I met him he was just starting the custody thing, only had his son every other wkend, and lived here full time. At first I wanted to be supportive of his process, and as time flew on, it's developed into the mess I'm in today.
I am listening, though, to all of your comments on respect and such. Reality vs. Fantasy - thinking hard about it.
Not here so much. Only during
Not here so much. Only during extended school breaks that he's not w/ his BM. He invites his folks down here on those occasions and rents them their own apt for the week.
Woukd I be correct in
Woukd I be correct in assuming kid stays with his grandparents during those visits instead of in your home?
During the day, when SO goes
During the day, when SO goes to work. At night, child stays in our little extra bedroom - ans SO sleeps in there with him.
No she does not, and I've had
No she does not, and I've had the understanding that it's because he doesn't want to involve me in that all the court mess ( and it IS a mess). I know what you mean tho, all my single girlfriends think my situation is great. Hence can't really talk to them about it. I guess part of my fantasy life was to be a part of a family. Part if the reason I've been sticking around so long was that I thought things would be different when all the court stuff was over and done with. No one anticipated that it would drag on so long. I've never been a fair weather girl - thus, still here.
Each post is crazier than the
Each post is crazier than the last one. I'm all for keeping the ex out if your business, but this is just over the top.
The only time a man will go to extremes keeping his kid and BM from knowing he's in a relationship,(yes,keeping this a secret for 5 years is extreme) is if he's cheating.
If it isn't BM, then it must
If it isn't BM, then it must be another woman. There's no other excuse for him keeping his kid in the dark about your relationship for this long. Then he has the nerve to get upset and call you names when you question the crazines. Nope, something is up with this guy.
Of course it's not what I
Of course it's not what I think is ideal, just wanted some objective feedback on whether or not it's unusual.
C'mon, you know that is not the norm. He has another apartment, another life that you are not a part of. You are not even a part of it when you are with him, if his son is there.
How many times do I have to say, "seriously" today? Seriously.
This kid is 6 which means he
This kid is 6 which means he is on school. The last day of school here was June 26. Why isn't dad flying the kid to his home EOW during summer break?
Because he goes on vacation
Because he goes on vacation when he has extended visitation w/ his son. He takes his folks along so the son has a sense of family. I do not go. I tried once, but i had to sleep on the pull- out couch in the livingroom while he and his son slept in one bedroom and his parents slept in the other bedroom. Awkward for me and not my idea of a "vacation" so I no longer go on vacations with them.
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Uncomfortable accomodations?
Uncomfortable accomodations? Money keeps me here? Where's that coming from? Look, just wanted to know if waiting so long to reveal relationship to child was normal and if 100% attention 100% of time was normal for 6 yr old. Didn't come on to be accused and attacked. Did not expect that here. Thanks anywat
Again, you know that being a
Again, you know that being a secret for 5 years is not normal. The way he treats you when his kid is around, is not normal. Are you sure his family even knows the true relationship? None of this is normal.
You know darn well being kept
You know darn well being kept a secret for 5 years isn't normal.
When you hear that a woman is allowing a man to disrespect her and their relationship, it's normal to wonder why she puts up with it.
Reading about the way this man is wasting money (buying an apartment in NYC, flying cross country EOW, renting apartments for his parents....),it's clear that he money to burn. It's only natural that people may think that money makes you put up with the disrespect.
I don't think that was
I don't think that was attacking you. The poster was asking questions to get a fuller picture. You may not have LIKED those questions but they weren't an attack.
First off, the kid is already a monster and will only get worse as he gets older. Secondly, the father co-sleeps with the child when he is at your place?? Sounds like you are a place holder and he is enmeshed with his son and possibly the ongoing drama with BM.
Also, the guy minimizes you and your concerns and feelings. So many red flags in this situation. None of it is right. You need to respect YOURSELF.
What would your SO do if you just announced yourself who you are? Maybe not so confrontational but what about in a store or something, "Oh, no. I am not his mom. I am his dad's long time girlfriend," making sure the kid heard what you said.
"No conversation that doesn't
"No conversation that doesn't include the child or isn't directed to the boy or isn't about the boy in to child's presence".
Wow. Just wow. This kid is going to grow up to be an entitled, self absorbed brat if he is being raised like this. Seriously, there can be no discussions that aren't centered around the kid? I'm sorry but that's just bizarre. Does SO allow his son to interrupt adults and talk over them too? I feel bad for this kid. He's going to get a real rude awakening when he goes out into the real world and realizes that he isn't the center of the universe because he is being raised to think that he is. I can't imagine having a kid in my presence and not being allowed to carry on a conversation with another person that wasn't centered around or directed to the child.
Thanks Amber. I don't have
Thanks Amber. I don't have kids, no girlfriends that have kids, and was an only child. Again, no point of reference. When I google about it, sounds like a lot of families are child-centric. If I google "children who get too much attention" all I seem to find are parents who say there's no such thing. I can't ask mom's I'm acquainted with, for fear they'll think I'm a heartless b**ch. i've even been thinking that of myself I suppose I came here for validation and commiseration for way I perceive things. I can no longer talk to SO about it, since it's gotten to the point where he's made it clear my input is inexperienced and unappreciated when it comes to what's better for his son. Thank you for saying out loud exactly what I've been thinking. Thanks to everyone.
You're welcome. I'm glad you
You're welcome. I'm glad you found my comment helpful. I felt a little harsh when I wrote it so I'm glad you weren't offended and that I didn't hurt your feelings. I was reading your post to my husband and he agreed with me. I do have 3 teenage boys and I didn't raise them in a child-centric environment. They wait to speak. They do not interrupt adults. They are treated with love and respect but they are not the center of the universe in my house this doesn't mean that they aren't important.
I really feel for you. I can see that you love your SO and if the relationship was new then I could see keeping things mellow in front of the kid. When I left my first husband, I dated a few guys before I started dating my now husband. My boys didn't meet any of those men. I kept them all a secret as I knew they were not going to be a permanent fixture in my life. I did introduce my husband when I knew that we would be in a serious relationship. My DH is the only man my kids think I have been with since their dad and that is appropriate and was a good decision on my part. Too many people parade around multiple partners in front of their kids and I think it's hard on the kids. My DH's ex wife did this and it made things hard on his kids.
After 5 years, one would think that you could at least be introduced as dads girlfriend. I don't think I could be in this type of relationship after 5 years. I hope you can think long and hard about what's best for you. You deserve to be important and not to be a "dirty little secret" as another poster said. I'm sorry but I think you deserve better.
Have you ever asked your SO how many years you guys have to be together before he can introduce you to his son? Do you fear that the answer will be "never"?
Good luck to you and take care.
Amber
Everything everyone else has
Everything everyone else has already said x 1,000.... but also this:
He most certainly ISN'T hiding you from the ex or the son because he wants to keep you out of "court stuff".
No court anywhere will care that he has a girlfriend. Sure, the em might try to bring it up, and if she wants to her attorney certainly WILL find out about you anyhow. They could have him followed to try to dig up any useful dirt. So, that excuse is pure, 100%, unadulterated BULLSHIT.
Even if the ex was stark raving mad screaming from the rooftops insane, nothing decided in court would change because Daddy has a girlfriend.
He's not telling her because HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
THIS And by keeping the kid
THIS
And by keeping the kid in the dark, he doesn't have worry about him telling mom about you.
And he sleeps with his son
And he sleeps with his son alone...in a separate bedroom while you sleep on a pull out?
Ummmm.. Sick! :jawdrop:
Hi Sueu2-- You also bring up
Hi Sueu2--
You also bring up some very good points and I do agree with you. I think I just got stuck at the point where I read about the expectations regarding oral communication; what is allowed and how it will be centered around the child. I found this so entirely disturbing that I didn't even touch base on the other important part of this that you have pointed out. I hope OP can see that she isn't being treated the way she deserves to be treated and plans accordingly.
Thank you, sueu2 - or should
Thank you, sueu2 - or should I say "Yoda."
You've given me something to really think about.
What would happen if you
What would happen if you stood up to this man and drew some boundaries of your own? You have respected his bizarre boundaries, will he respect any of your reasonable ones?
I suspect the answer is you fear he will simply dump you and replace you. And you are probably right.
So what we have here is that you are not in an actual relationship of grownups. He is the powerful man taking what he wants from you and providing, what, a nice home in return? He is not providing a real relationship to you.
In short, you are not wrong. The man's parenting is disastrous. He is raising up someone who will be an angry, failure to launch, failure as an adult. You are not being treated well and somehow he has convinced you this is all right and proper and you are "inexperienced" if you disagree. This is called gaslighting. Look that one up.
I'm sure he has some great qualities. You sound smart and "normal" so he obviously does something right or he wouldn't appeal to you at all. But his good qualities are not going to outweigh in the long run his deficits. You've already a taste of the long run and it's just gotten worse. As experienced stepparents we are all telling you this boy will be more and more of a nightmare as he gets older, guaranteed.
My own husband talks over parenting ideas with me all the time and often tries my suggestions and sometimes does something he doesn't agree with regarding his kids or ex simply because I told him I needed it
Can you see your boyfriend ever doing that?
Exactly. That's what it seems
Exactly. That's what it seems like. She is a bed warmer and placeholder until the Golden Child is available. He has no respect for her, her wishes, her feelings, etc. He acts like she is his mistress instead of his LTGF
Sounds like your DH
Sounds like your DH guilt-parents in an attempt to 'make up for lost time' because he's not with him every day. So when he does see him he's with him 24/7 in an attempt to prove he's a good dad and make himself feel better.
With all this guilt comes fears that the child will not take well to the news that dad has a new partner. Hence he hasn't been told. Problem is that over time it will become blatantly obvious to an older kid that you aren't there for no reason. Your SO should have told his son about you ages ago because this gives time for a child to adjust to it, and they do adjust and life goes on.
At the moment it sounds like your feelings are being totally disregarded and SO's situation is incredibly unhealthy and not normal. I think while him and his family continue to feel guilty you will be left in limbo.
You don't need me to tell you a marriage is an equal partnership. Do you really want to marry a man who makes you sleep on a fold out bed and puts his son in with him? What makes this man any kind of marriage material?
Personally I would run for the hills, you could find a much better partner who treats you with dignity and respect. Or you have it out with you SO about how all this is making you feel and what he's going to do about it. But SO has to accept he fact that SO will work it out by himself before too long.